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Music In Me - Chapter 1
Music In Me - Chapter 1

by Meep(: in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 8, 2008
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Secrets of Desperation ;1
Secrets of Desperation ;2
Secrets of Desperation ;3
Secrets of Desperation ;5

Secrets of Desperation ;4

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day tripper   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 10:12 pm    Post subject: Secrets of Desperation ;4 Reply with quote

I really need help on these chapters. Please, any help I could get would be great! Thanks!

Know Your Place ;

It was Saturday morning and I walked into work to help look for my article. I didn’t dress as “formal” as I usually do: pin stripe shorts and a black lace halter top. My heels could be heard miles away from the loud clicks that echoed off the marble floor. Walking into the elevator, I sighed and pressed the seventeenth floor of the large building. I needed to find this article.

“Hey, come here.” Bianca motioned me in to the editors room. I stepped out of the opened elevator and walked down the narrow hallway, entering the dark room. I went past the printed paper that was to be published tomorrow pouting - they made it without my article. Crap. I walked up to where Bianca stood with Candice and Fred around the lit up table where papers lay.

“What is it?” My eyebrows burrowed, looking down at the news paper. It was the one that was going to be published tomorrow.

“She’s a witch.” I shot my head up at Candice who held another copy of the post.

“Excuse me?” I asked, taken back by the random comment.

“Alicia. Read the second page head line.” Bianca stated flatly. I took the newspaper that smelled like a brand new book and opened the stiff, just printed page. I felt my mouth gape and a rage inside of me burn and twist. I blinked a few times and shut my mouth, trying to make this out correctly. ‘Louis Vuitton? Or Lies of the Futon?’, the name of my article about the cheating clothing line who used bribery in bed to get their imports was printed across the second page. The only problem was that my name wasn’t under the article - Alicia’s was.

“Can’t we take it into the editors and tell them?” I stuttered, my mind still processing the event.

“They think it’s hers - they wont change it, and Sir won’t believe you since you made it a surprise by never telling him.” Candice reasoned, dropping her copy of the Post on the table. I pushed back my straightened hair, my eyes darting across from left to right, reading over the words - my words.

“She’s not getting away with this.” I huffed and dropped the issue on the table. I started to make my way to the door that let light in when I heard Bianca call out to me.

“How? The paper is being sent in soon, we can’t just reprint over a thousand copies for one name.” I thought about that, but my mind was so fumed that I ignored it and pushed out of the editors room. I was on a walk down to Sir’s office, my eyes narrowed. That little twit thought she could take my article to get her one step ahead of my career - well, that was a bad choice. I thought of all the possible ways I could break her tiny body when walking into his office, but stopped dead in my tracks. Alicia was sitting with some of the staff and Sir, champagne in flute glasses and a congratulations banner on the wall.

“Jenkins! You just made it! Have you read Stuart’s surprise article for me? It got her a bump into reviewer in your office.” Sir winked, nudging Alicia. I turned my gaze to her and when I reached her face I smiled - she was frightened. I could tell it from those blue eyes of hers. She was trembling with the glass in her right hand, her left hand fidgeting with the lose string on her sweater.

“Sorry Sir, I have to go, but yes, I heard. I was wondering if I could speak to Ali- I mean, Stuart for a second.” Alicia’s head shot up and her eyes were wide.

“Yes, you don’t have to ask me.” Sir laughed and turned to talk with fellow coworkers.

“Stuart?” I indicated Alicia into the hallway. Alicia set down her drink and walked past me, her head hung low. Once the door was closed behind me I waited for an automatic explanation.

“Alright… I found your article and it didn’t have a name on it, the editors got it mixed up and printed it before I could stop them.” She sighed.

“If that’s so - why don’t you tell Sir?” I asked, pointing to his office.

“I-I,” She stopped and sighed, “Avril, I needed this promotion.” She looked at me with pleading eyes. Behind them were lies. Have you ever looked at someone and could automatically know what they’re saying just by their words? This was one of those times.

“You sicken me. My work, you took my work that was supposed to help me and you turned it into a lie. You sicken me, Stuart.” I spat and turned to walk away.

“Well, at least you have your other articles.” I stopped, shocked that she would even say anything on that line of confidence and turned. Alicia smiled and walked back into the office to celebrate.

“Wow. I’m lucky that I like my job or else she’d be out.” Candice smiled as I handed her the drink she wanted from the vending machine. We were at a sushi diner in the city, taking advantage of our night off.

“Well, at least now I have someone to gawk at.” Bianca winked. I laughed and scooted in my chair up to the table, my stomach growling for food.

“I know, man! But at least your not in the same room with her all day.” Candice piled on to the conversation. Right now, I didn’t want to think about it. I was over it, really. I got my warning out to her and what was done was done. Bianca laughed and started to talk about Alicia again. I was getting annoyed with the talk of her and just wanted to forget it.

“Can we stop talking about her?” I asked out of the blue. I caught my words and almost went cross-eyed to try to stare at myself. Bianca started to laugh and Candice got her chopsticks ready for the platter of sushi that was headed for our table. I snapped out of my attempt and realized how stupid I looked as I laughed at myself.

“Yeah - sorry. We’ll stop. Anyways, what’s your next story going to be on?” Bianca asked, picking up a dynamite roll and dipping the tip in soy sauce, rubbed some wasabi on it and placed it in her mouth.

“I’m not sure. I really want something that will spring, you know - stomp over Alicia’s without really trying.” I winked. I picked up a tuna roll and dunked it in my mouth plane.

“Well, get your ass on the streets!” Candice goofed, taking a sip of her meso soup. I laughed and shook my head, spreading some wasabi on my salmon roll before taking a bite.

“I’m thinking about doing a piece on Lucifer D’alle. Or, at least attempting it again.” I thought to myself. Candice stopped midway eating her sushi and Bianca dropped her tuna roll.

“How?” They both asked. I smirked to myself and looked up.

“He came into the crab house yesterday. But that doesn’t mean anything, all I’m saying is that I want to try to reach him again.” I talked, swaying my chopsticks as I talked with my hands.

“Wow, D’alle came into public? I’m shocked.” Candice set her food down and Bianca sat back.

“Same here.” Bianca added. I nodded and took a sip of my coke, thinking of Lucifer made me feel like a little girl crushing on a celebrity.

I decided that staying at home on Sunday just to be smothered by Alicia’s article in the now-published paper bothered me. So, I took up working at the crab house today. The crab house was like my family - I never knew mine. I was a foster child in Manhattan but that’s a past I like to keep to myself.

I got up and took a shower, getting out to get dressed for work. I chose the yellow crab house shirt today and khaki pants. I placed my stringy, wet hair into a messy bun that held snug, applied a thin coat of makeup and walked out the door.

“Thanks for coming in today, Avril!” Ellen chimed, excited that she had an extra hand. I nodded and walked around to the back where I would pick up my waist apron. Ellen came in and instantly started on dishes that needed to be washed while the crab house was running slow this morning. Usually, we started getting busier after church ceremonies would die out. As I started to think about church, I wondered why Ellen and Charlie weren’t at church this morning.

“Ellen?” I called out, grabbing my pen and pad out from the drawer.

“Yes?” She answered from behind me.

“Isn’t today Sunday?” I turned around, walking up to her.

“Why indeed it is.” She smiled big up at me. I could tell Ellen was getting older - her smile now had crease lines, her green eyes had crows feet and wrinkles were appearing under them on her fair skin. Her Dark brown hair that was always braided and placed around her shoulder was starting to gray at the roots. I remember being a little girl and being held in Ellen’s arms. Back then, Ellen had long, wavy chocolate brown hair. Her skin was always a fair tan and her eyes always shined. I felt a sadness over come me when I think of how long it’s been and that soon she will be gone.

“Don’t you and Charlie go to church?” I picked up a slice of cucumber from the extra pieces and plopped it in my mouth.

“Charlie’s sick today, dear. He’s staying home with aid.” Ellen explained, stress creasing in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I gasped, instantly worried.

“Nothing, he’s just been very pale lately. He feels drained, I think it’s old age creeping up on him.” Ellen always had a way of making sense out of things with a positive attitude. I imagined the dark skinned Charlie I’ve always known to being sickly pale, lying in bed with his curly brown hair sweated from a fever.

“Will he be alright?” I asked, concern deep within me. I cared for Charlie, him and Ellen helped me get stable without parents when I was younger. Charlie taught me how to write in the first place. He always got me into writing little articles about what went on around the foster home so he had a head on things, then he’d pin them up on the kitchen wall for everyone to read.

“I’m pretty sure it’s just old age, Avril. He’ll most likely be back in this kitchen steaming crabs by tomorrow.” Ellen’s sweet voice soothed me. I smiled big and said goodbye, going to check my tables today since they’d be different from my everyday shift.


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Ice, Ice, Melt your heart.
Baby Girl, let down your guard,
Rush, Rush for that touch,
Just one taste can't get enough.
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lucyy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 4:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have read this daytripper - it's another great chapter, but I only skimmed as I'm on a bit of a flying visit, but I promise on Saturday I'll be back to do a full-blown review as there were a few things that I picked up on.
By the way, in case you didn't know, I have reviewed your chapter three, I just checked Wink
Anywho, I'll be back to review this on Saturday - promise!! Very Happy
Lucyy xx

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Squishy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
It was Saturday morning and I walked into work to help look for my article. I didn’t dress as “formal” as I usually do: pin stripe shorts and a black lace halter top. My heels could be heard miles away from the loud clicks that echoed off the marble floor. Walking into the elevator, I sighed and pressed the seventeenth floor of the large building. I needed to find this article.


oky. in this paragraph, you use the phrase "find/look for my article" twice which is relatively choppy in my opinion. I know you were trying to add emphasis with the second, but in reality, you just need to strengthen the first on, ramble on about the article for some time to help meaning, and drop the second

Quote:
‘Louis Vuitton? Or Lies of the Futon?’


NICE!

Quote:
“You sicken me. My work, you took my work that was supposed to help me and you turned it into a lie. You sicken me, Stuart.” I spat and turned to walk away.


Again with the unneeded ending emphasis. We know she's pissed. If someone stole my article, I'd want to kill her!


Quote:
I’m thinking about doing a piece on Lucifer D’alle. Or, at least attempting it again.” I thought to myself. Candice stopped midway eating her sushi and Bianca dropped her tuna roll.


Sorry, who is this Lucifer dude?

And that's about all I noticed. Keep chugging along!

(oh, and are there previous installments to this piece before this one? It might help some of my questions....)

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lucyy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 1:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I nearly forgot, but I here I am for the promised review. I haven't read the above review, so I apologise in advance if some of what I say is the same (:

Quote:
My heels

Colour? Type?

By the first paragraph I'm questioning what exactly's going on in her head? She's just lost an article (from what I presume, a very important one) and her thoughts seem very calm and collect. Try have her suggesting what's happened, getting hysterical in her thoughts .. I don't know, but something, because at the moment I have no idea what she's feeling or even just what she thinks about this whole situation.

Quote:
where the papers lay


Quote:
at the news paper

newspaper

Quote:
“She’s a witch.” I shot my head up at Candice who held another copy of the post.

Facial expression?

Quote:
The only problem was that my name wasn’t under the article - Alicia’s was.

Ooh, what a little sneak, I did kinda suspect her from the previous chapter ... i smell a bit of conflict. Quick, lucy, read on ... Very Happy

Quote:
they wont

An apostrophe should be used on the word: won't

Quote:
“She’s not getting away with this.” I huffed and dropped the issue on the table.

Your MC's obviously very peeved off with Alicia at this point, but I can't really tell this. What she's said here shows me that she's over the shock and ready to gear into action - get her thoughts and feelings into action also!! They can't still be frozen, I want to know what she's plotting, or even telling me that a shock of hate for this new girl has creeped up on her ... you tell me.

Quote:
but my mind was so fumed that I ignored it

Now I have a taster of what she's feeling, yayy d:

Quote:
That little twit

Haha, very funny, love it!!

Quote:
well, that was a bad choice. I thought of all the possible ways I could break her tiny body when walking into his office

Awesome!! I can now see exactly what she's feeling towards this 'little twit' as you put it d: I especially love the highlighted bit - brilliant! (:

Quote:
Alicia’s head shot up and her eyes were wide.

Brilliant imagery - I can just see this exactly

Quote:
“Alright… I found your article and it didn’t have a name on it, the editors got it mixed up and printed it before I could stop them.” She sighed.

Ooh, she's really making my blood boil, which is brilliant!! You have me reacting to your charcters and I'm so involved in the story I wan't to shout at her myself! Great job Wink

Quote:
Have you ever looked at someone and could automatically know what they’re saying just by their words?

I know exactly what you mean.

Now the break between the confrontation between your MC and Alicia and your MC out with her friends, I think you need to make it more defined, because at first it confused me. Try using stars or a line or something. I just got a little confused that all, you don't have to if you don't want to, its just a little suggestion Wink

Quote:
at least your not

you're

Quote:
I caught my words and almost went cross-eyed to try to stare at myself

Haha, I love this!

Quote:
coke, thinking of

I would either put a dash or full stop between coke and thinking, a comma doesn't quite fit.

Quote:
Lucifer made me feel like a little girl crushing on a celebrity.

Ooh, is this going to be the romance bit of the story?? Ahh, can't wait to find out!! :O

Quote:
I was a foster child in Manhattan but that’s a past I like to keep to myself

I like finding out more about her past, I love the way you've put this in very casually (:

Quote:
“Charlie’s sick today, dear. He’s staying home with aid.” Ellen explained, stress creasing in her eyes.

Oh, no!! I hope he's okay ...
I love how you've explained the stress in Ellen's eyes

Quote:
I imagined the dark skinned Charlie I’ve always known to being sickly pale, lying in bed with his curly brown hair sweated from a fever.

Great description and imagery

Quote:
be alright

All right

Quote:
I cared for Charlie, him and Ellen

Rethink comma, try a dash or a semi-colon


Overall
Okay, now this a long review - oops, I do get a bit carried away d:
Anywho, this was another great chapter and the only major thing I picked up was your MC's lack of emotion and thoughts running through her head for us to know about - the rest of the story was great. Your descriptions and imagery are awesome and I can't wait for the next installment!! (:
I hope this review helped you, and I wasn't too harsh,
Lucyy xx

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