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Can you Tell Who it is? What Can I Do to make him Better?
Can you Tell Who it is? What Can I Do to make him Better?
by Raimunda in Art & Photography
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on October 8, 2008
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Vampires are not scary!

Topic ID: 36988
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Moonlight   View This User's Portfolio
Novice


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Oct 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 0

300 Points
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:09 pm    Post subject: Vampires are not scary! Reply with quote

"Yuki, sweetie open your present from us," she spoke smooth as always.

"Okay," I yawned and saw something dark, like a shadow with no one to claim it. I slowly put my arms down as my father handed me a present. It was cubed wrapped in a Gothic wrapping. The black bats danced upon the wrapping.

---------------------------------

That's what I remember from it I'll write more once my teacher gives me back my notebook.



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Venom   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

26
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 07 Oct 2008
Posts: 68
Reviews: 26

412 Points
PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Well...I can't really give you any feedback on this because it is only 5 sentences. Maybe you should have waited for your teacher to give you your notebook back before you posted it, but that is just my opinion.

If you'd like, I will critique the rest when you post it. PM me when the rest is posted.

-Venom

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lordgluzman   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

28
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 121
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
435 Points
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 3:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
You should make it longer. Edit it. You are 15 years old you shouldn't be that lazy. I mean, I am 13 and I am writeing more then 10 page story. This is only a little introduction.

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In_the_Moonlight   View This User's Portfolio
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52
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 85
Reviews: 52
Country: Nartimarick- yes it does exist.....
487 Points
PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 2:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Oh that was a burn.......geeze thats gotta hurt the ego. Anyway I thought the five lines you gave were fine. I'm gonna have to go with the first person that commented, though. I really can't go on anything to review with. Oh well, it sounds like it might be something nice.....

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jules4848   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 99
Reviews: 43
Country: A Medival Times Scot-Irish
332 Points
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 2:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
make sure you do reviews before you post!!!

2 Reviews per story/pic post

Enjoy YWS

Hey In_the_Moonlight we seem to be following each other

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Cobra   View This User's Portfolio
Earth's husk burns beneath my feet
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25
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Posts: 422
Reviews: 25
Country: Land of the Dead
394 Points
PostPosted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Dude, this is a VERY short piece of work and doesn't exactly give me much to review or critique at all. It is, as the others before me have all pointed out, only five lines long and shows nothing of the plot. You're wasting your points here. I mean, it takes 150 points to make a post of any length (usually) so you might as well make it longer!

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200397   View This User's Portfolio
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41
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Nov 2007
Posts: 79
Reviews: 41
Country: land of the free, home of the brave . . .
788 Points
PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 3:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
There's not much to say. I will be looking for this when you've re-written it. Tell your teacher to zip up the man-pants and hurry up!
I would CHANGE THE TITLE. "Vampires Are Not Scary" is really weak, cause they are, hate to bust your bubble. So I would change it to fit your storyline. Very Happy

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This thread was created on October 8, 2008

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