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Lord Anzius
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 Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 11:42 am Post subject: Well this shouldn't be! Prologue |
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Prologue
Look, Wait, look even deeper.
Into the deepest depths of hell, there lies the home of demons.
See the doors, the great red doors, made out of the forsaken and unholy matter of the underworld. As they open and you step in, you see the gruesome view of a bloody red room, made of rock and clay. There are creatures unmentioned by name, creeping up from cracked pillars and skulls older than time and blackened by magic and animals. The ground is dead and the skulls look upon nothingness from their empty sockets.
There is also a group of vile green demon mages. Wearing grey robes that cover everything except their hands, feet, and face.
They spew wicked, dark words from their mouths.... hear as they speak.
"MY bugger is the vilest of all." One of them squeaked
"No it's not. Mine is." another one said
"Dudes, dudes. Don't argue you know that mine is the best and that is the main thing... now if we would get on with the project."
The other demons grunted hesitantly but soon turned to their desks.
"Gurly, could you pass me the spanner?"
Gurly the smallest of the green demons, a goblin with a large and pointy nose, and face full of... zits? looked up "Why'd ya need a spanner?"
The bigger demon looked up from his desk and said "Non of ur business."
Gurly looked hurt, he wore a devastated look upon his face. He took the spanner from his side and said "Well then you won't get the spanner, Lemp."
The demon called Lemp, vile and ugly, also had a large nose, but pointy? Oh no! His nose was round and about. His eyes were red as fire and his hands had long claws coming out of them. Lemp looked angrily upon Gurly "Gurly give me the spanner or I will break ur neck." he snapped
Gurly pondered upon this and then tossed the spanner upon Lemp's desk. Lemp took it with his smelly green hands. He started working on his odd contraption.
They worked in silence until Lemp soon cried out "Guys... we have a problem."
The two other demon both worried looked upon what was happening.
"I think the dimension modifier is gonna blow." The three demons looked at a square shaped box, about fifty inches tall and wide.
The biggest of the mages looked at him in horror "But how?"
"I think i used the spanner a bit too much."
The big demon was horrified "But if it blows up. Generations... millions of years of work, would simply be... will blown up. Not to talk about how it would affect the dimensions..."
The machine gave a low rumbling sound.
Lemp looked at the other two.
"I think we should run."
The three demons sat up fast and ran. When at long last the vile creatures got out of their blood red room, and the horrid skulls, they closed the great red doors looked around them too see if there were any hiding places.. but no! They ran even further. It took them a while.
When they were miles away, they finally heard a loud bang. They fell down on the dead ground, as the dimensions themselves struck down and went into a pot of hot dimensional lava and screwed the whole world up.
The vile creatures looked upon Gurly who was the first to speak "Were so dead aren't we?" |
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Last edited by Lord Anzius on Mon Nov 24, 2008 5:54 am; edited 6 times in total |
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Fellow
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:10 pm Post subject: Review |
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:O - please tell me that you didn't wrote that! If you did then I ... oups... you got a lot of work to do.
I don't know the plot nor the idea that you had in mind so I`ll review it just as the writing goes.
The author-reader verbs don't mark your (or the main`s character) action, state of mind and so. The author tells the reader what to see in a brute way. If you want to keep it its fine but you got a lot to work and to describe if you chose to do so.
- "Look, mortal!" - Gives a little ... whats the word... style to your writing as you become one of them or just a "thing" that guides the reader.
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| See the doors, the great red doors. As they open you see a gruesome view of a bloody red room, made of rock and blood red clay. There are creatures unmentioned creeping up from ruined pillars and skulls. |
Vague idea. "See those doors? Those great red door... red because of the blood of those who felled in the traps of Hell. As they (maybe you should write "as you") enter the room, the bloody color of the rocks fills your sight and the smell of flesh makes your heart beat faster. There are creatures unmentioned, without name, creeping up from ruined pillars and old skulls.
- Please describe more.
| Quote: |
Gurly the smallest of the green demons looked up "Why'd ya need a spanner?"
The other a bit bigger demon looked up and said "Non of ur business."
Gurly looked hurt. He took the spanner from his side "Well then you won't get the spanner, Lemp." |
- For the love of God! They are demons not kids in kindergarten.
Gurly, the smallest demon that had the look of a big mutant frog, the same color as a frog and with two black, sharp horns sticking out of his forehead, looked up and started with a thick voice "Why`d ya need a spanner?"
The other demon that was a bit bigger took his eyes off [ thing that he was working, eating or doing something ] and gazed upon him "Non of ur business!"
Gurly restrained his displeasure and took the spanner from his side " Well then you won't get the spanner, Lemp."
- The following dialogue lacks the descriptions...
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| The three demons sat up fast and ran. When at long last the vile creatures got out of their blood red room, and the horrid skulls, they closed the great red doors and ran. |
- You take it way to fast. You got a multitude of things that can happen, that can be heard, seen and so on... Take your time and make them up. You already have your story, but we don't 
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| The three demons sat up fast and ran. When at long last the vile creatures got out of their blood red room, and the horrid skulls, they closed the great red doors and ran. |
- As you continue writing that thing of author-reader fades. Its hard for me to explain or to rewrite it cause i never used that in my life...
Sorry if i seem to harsh here but really it needs a lot of work. Hope it helps! Luck!
-Akayl
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lordgluzman
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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| This got to be awsome! I cant wait to read. But I hope you wonet give up on this story like you did on the grim reaper. Good Luck
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tnme22
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 10:21 pm Post subject: Re: Well this shouldn't be! Prologue |
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| Lord Anzius wrote: |
See the doors, the great red doors. As they open you see a gruesome view of a bloody red room, made of rock and blood red clay. There are creatures unmentioned creeping up from ruined pillars and skulls. |
Don't use 'bloody red' twice. Try to think of something else to describe one of them.
| Lord Anzius wrote: |
The other a bit bigger demon looked up and said "Non of ur business." |
Oh no! Texting talk! "None of your business"
| Lord Anzius wrote: |
| The demon called lemp, vile and ugly, looked angrily upon Gurly "Gurly give me the spanner or I will break ur neck." |
Oh no! Again with the texting talk! "your"
| Lord Anzius wrote: |
When they were miles away, they finally heard a loud bang. They fell down as the dimensions themselves struck down and went into a circle of hot dimensional lava and screwed the whole world up. |
This doesn't make much sense to me.
It was kind of confusing. At first it sounded almost poetic the way it flowed and then it just stopped doing that. I didn't really know what was going on at all so I would recommend using a lot more description in what is happening here.
You use description in describing things like the room though. 
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Aet Lindling
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 3:12 am Post subject: |
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"break ur neck"
"Non of ur business"
Um. Cute. Devils are toootally going to be talking like that.
This needs a large amount of proofreading and grammar/spelling fixing.
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Reuben A
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 4:06 pm Post subject: |
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| The demon called lemp, vile and ugly, |
Capital L
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| Lemp took it with it's smelly green hands. |
The whole piece you use pronouns like he, but here you use it.
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| The machine gave a low rumbling sound. |
How does the machine look?
But other than those few things, I can't find anything wrong with this...It's quite good actually, I don't know what everybody is going on about. It's evil this piece... 
I really liked it...write more!!
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 2:58 am Post subject: |
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Yea i agree with everyone elses Ideas and changes
And i like the feel of the short story it has that....Darren shan feel (hes a author of cirque du freak and the demonata series) but if u put some more time into this story you could make it alot better
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Reuben A
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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Just read the edited piece...
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| As they open and you step in, do you see the gruesome view of a bloody red room, made of rock and blood red clay? |
I would say you shouldn't have a question mark at the end.
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| Generations... millions of years of work, would simply be... will blown up |
either will be blown up, or will blow up.
The edited one is much better, and I like it even more! It's also even more evil   
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| Posted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 8:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
| Look, no, look deeper. |
It would sound better like this, "Look, okay, now look deeper."
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| Into the deepest holes of hell, there lies the home of demons. |
"In the deepest depths of hell,lies the home to the most vile of demons."
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| See the doors, the great red doors, made out of the evil matter of the underworld |
What? Evil matter? try,"Do you see the doors, you know, the red ones?
As they open and you step in, do --- get rid of do you see the most gruesome view of a bloody, red room, made of rock and blood red clay -- we know the room is red  .
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| There are creatures unmentioned |
-- then why do you mention them? creeping up from
-- better word, maybe,"Cracked pillars and skulls older than time and blackened by magic and animals-- magic and animals?. The ground is dead and the skulls look upon nothingness from their empty sockets.
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| You also see a group of vile green demon mages |
.
"There is also a bunch of green demons, who happen to be mages."
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Wearing grey robes that cover their body and head but not face, hands nor feet. |
"Wearing grey robes that cover everthing except their hands, feet, and face."
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| They are speaking of dark matters of serious things.... hear as they speak. |
No No No!!! "They spew wicked, dark words from their mouths and, well, you listen:"
"MY bugger is the vilest of all." One of them squeaked
"No it's not. Mine is." another one said
"Dudes, dudes. Don't argue, you know that mine is the best and that is the main thing
an elipsis is only ... dots
now if we would get on with the project."
The other demons grunted hesitating -- hesitantly but soon turned to their desks.
"Gurly, could you pass me the spanner?"
Gurly the smallest of the green demons, a goblin with a large and pointy nose, and face full of... zits? -- if you don't know, how are we? looked up "Why'd ya need a spanner?"
The other a bit bigger demon looked up from his desk and said "Non of ur your business."
Gurly looked hurt, he wore a devastated look upon his face. He took the spanner from his side and said "Well then you won't get the spanner, Lemp."
The demon called Lemp, vile and ugly, also had a large nose, but pointy? Oh no! His nose was round and about. His eyes were red as fire and his hands had long claws coming out of them. Lemp looked angrily upon Gurly "Gurly give me the spanner or I will break ur --your neck." he snapped
Gurly pondered upon this and then tossed the spanner upon Lemp's desk. Lemp took it with it's -- his smelly green hands. He started working on his odd contraption.
They worked in silence until Lemp soon cried out "Guys... we have a problem."
The two other demons both worried, looked upon what was happening.
"I think the dimension modifier is gonna blow!" The three demons looked at a square shaped box, about fifty inches tall and wide.
The biggest of the mages looked at him in horror "But how?" if one says its going to blow up i don't think why would ask why, they would run!
"I think i used the spanner a bit too much."
The big demon was horrified "But if it blows up. Generations... millions of years of work, would simply be... will blown up. Not to talk about how it would affect the dimensions..."
The machine gave a low rumbling sound.
Lemp looked at the other two.
"I think we should run."
The three demons sat up fast and ran. When at long last the vile creatures got out of their blood red room, and the horrid skulls, they closed the great red doors looked around them too see if there were any hiding places.. but no! They ran even further.
When they were miles away, they finally heard a loud bang. They fell down on the dead ground, as the dimensions themselves struck down and went into a pot of hot dimensional lava and screwed the whole world up. This whole paragraph make no sense, They run miles away in under a minute? hot dimensonal lava? *head/desk*
The vile creatures looked upon Gurly who was the first to speak "Were so dead, aren't we?"
Your plot is very shaky, So they are in a class room in hell and a machine blows up and ruins the whole dimension? You need some work on your word choices and your decrptions of things. I'm sorry if i was harsh but this could be something if you just choose you words more carefully and plan out what you want to say. You need somemore experience and don't worry, you get there in time! Just keep trying and don't give up, you get it. Work hard.
all the best,
---Jon---
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Lost_in_dreamland
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| Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 12:53 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, thanks for replying to my post thing asking for stuff to review. Here goes 
Look, Wait, look even deeper. I like that sentence, it's a good way to start.
Into the deepest depths of hell, there lies the home of demons.
See the doors, the great red doors, made out of the forsaken and unholy matter of the underworld. As they open and you step in, you see the gruesome view of a bloody red room, made of rock and clay. There are creatures unmentioned by name, creeping up from cracked pillars and skulls older than time and Don't use and again just a comma'll work here blackened by magic and animals. The ground is dead and the skulls look upon nothingness from their empty sockets. Ok, this paragraph has really good imagery and great description. Work a little on your grammar and it'll be great. You need to break it up a bit, it's too long.
There is also a group of vile green demon mages. Wearing grey robes that cover everything except their hands, feet, and face.
They spew wicked, dark words from their mouths.... hear as they speak.
"MY bugger is the vilest of all." One of them squeaked
"No it's not. Mine is." another one said full stop/period if you're American here.
"Dudes, dudes. Don't argue you know that mine is the best and that is the main thing... now if we would get on with the project."
The other demons grunted hesitantly but soon turned to their desks.
"Gurly, could you pass me the spanner?"
Gurly the smallest of the green demons, a goblin with a large and pointy nose, and face full of... zits? looked up "Why'd ya need a spanner?"
The bigger demon looked up from his desk and said "Non of ur business."
Gurly looked hurt, he wore a devastated look upon his face. He took the spanner from his side and said "Well then you won't get the spanner, Lemp."
The demon called Lemp, vile and ugly, also had a large nose, but pointy? Oh no! His nose was round and about. His eyes were red as fire and his hands had long claws coming out of them. Lemp looked angrily upon Gurly "Gurly give me the spanner or I will breakIs this the way your characters speak? Do they pronounce the word your like ur? ur neck." he snapped
Gurly pondered upon this and then tossed the spanner upon Lemp's desk. Lemp took it with his smelly green hands. You don't really describe hands as smelly. He started working on his odd contraption.
They worked in silence until Lemp soon cried out "Guys... we have a problem."
The two other demon both worriedcomma here looked upon what was happening.
"I think the dimension modifier is gonna blow." The three demons looked at a square shaped box, about fifty inches tall and wide.
The biggest of the mages looked at him in horror "But how?"
"I think i used the spanner a bit too much."
The big demon was horrified "But if it blows up. Generations... millions of years of work, would simply be... will you either meant will be be blown up here or well, right? blown up. Not to talk about how it would affect the dimensions..."
The machine gave a low rumbling sound.
Lemp looked at the other two.
"I think we should run."
The three demons sat up fast and ran. When at long last the vile creatures got out of their blood red As another person said, don't repeat blood red. room, and the horrid skulls, they closed the great red doors looked around them too see if there were any hiding places.. but no! They ran even further. It took them a while.
When they were miles away, they finally heard a loud bang. They fell down on the dead ground, as the dimensions themselves struck down and went into a pot of hot dimensional lava and screwed the whole world up.
The vile creatures looked upon Gurly who was the first to speak "WereWe're here, not were so dead aren't we?"
Ok, some of your description is amazing. Sure, you might need to work on some of your grammar here and there but overall it is good. I loved the description in the first paragraph. Work on it and it should be great.
-Kirsten x
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Adnamarine
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| Posted: Mon Dec 01, 2008 4:36 am Post subject: |
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Hey Anzius.
I thought this was quirky and cute. The plot needs a little work, but I suppose this is a prologue. It does grab the attention. I was reading thing beginning and starting to think, "Really? This should be a lovely dark... gloomy... bloody... dark... did I say that already? er, maybe even gory, story. Joy."
When I got to the first line of dialogue I burst out laughing. They're queer little goblin devils, aren't they? I suppose they do sort of act a little like kindergarteners, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I think that characterizes... whatever exactly they are.
You're definitely going to need to expand the plot quite a bit. Depending on what you're going to do when you get into the main storyline after the prologue, this could be fine. Obviously we'll need to find out a lot about these machines and dimensions and things, what exactly they were doing, who they'll be in trouble with, etc. As long as that's in your story pretty quick the prologue should be good.
I made notes on stylistic and grammer things in the attachment. I hope they're helpful.
Good luck!
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Prologue - Lord Anzius.doc |
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Nutty
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| Posted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:15 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
| Look, Wait, look even deeper. |
Replace the first comma with a fullstop.
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| Into the deepest depths of hell, there lies the home of demons. |
Because of the full stop an you have started a new paragraph, the 'into' doesn't fit like it would if joined onto the last sentence. Replace with 'in'.
| Quote: |
There is also a group of vile green demon mages. Wearing grey robes that cover everything except their hands, feet, and face.
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The 'there is also' makes this seem to be tacked onto the end of the last description. Because these seem to be important, give them their own description.
| Quote: |
and face full of... zits?
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Okay I get you're going for an informal, casual voice here, but this is pushing it a little too far. This just makes it seem like you don't know what you're talking about, find another way to put it.
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| "Non of ur business." |
Hold up, hold up. Why are the demons talking in text speak? Not cool. You can have slang, but 'ur' is a written thing, and gives no vocal influence. So while 'yer' and 'ya' actually make a different sound, 'ur' is purely a written thing. Makes you look lazy.
Not a good thing.
| Quote: |
Gurly looked hurt, he wore a devastated look upon his face. |
You're repeating yourself. Leave it at "Gurly wore a devastated expression."
| Quote: |
The demon called Lemp, vile and ugly, also had a large nose, but pointy? Oh no! His nose was round and about.
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Okay, first off, we know they are demons, we don't have to be reminded. 'Lemp' will do.
And what's with the 'pointy? Oh no!' thing? Again, I know you're being quirky and casual, but this is a little over the top.
And lastly, 'round and about' usually is used to describe where something or someone is or is going. It doesn't work for a nose.
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His eyes were red as fire and his hands had long claws coming out of them.
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Omit 'coming out of them'. It's not needed and subtracts from the description.
[quote]
| Quote: |
| The vile creatures looked upon Gurly who was the first to speak "Were so dead aren't we?" |
The vile creatures looked upon Gurly, who was the first to speak. "We're so dead, aren't we?"
Okay, overall, I haven't got much to go on plot wise. Your voice is casual and quirky, but don't overdo it, or it may become plain cheesy.
It was kinda cute, but I would need to read more to decide what I truly think of this story.
-Nutty
P.S Never, ever use textspeak again. Or I shall have to beat you with a rubber chicken.
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