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Elias Novak, prologue
Elias Novak, prologue

by winie603 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 7, 2008
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Midnight Blue; Preface
Midnight Blue; One
Midnight Blue; Two
Midnight Blue; Four
Midnight Blue; Five

Midnight Blue; Three

Topic ID: 36964
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 11:31 pm    Post subject: Midnight Blue; Three Reply with quote

This is kind of short so if anyone has any comments about my length, I apologize ahead of time. If you have any suggestions to how I can make it longer, or any at all, just post 'em and I'll fix it up!

Happy Reading Very Happy

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Part Three

Veronica

I was curled up on Mike’s chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart and the slight rise and fall of his chest. His arm was throw across my back as his fingers strummed lazily along my forearm. My eyes gazed up into the trees, the sunlight trickling magically through the leaves like an intricate maze, striving to reach the earth. The air was musty, still stale from Autumn. No snow was in sight for the leaves were so tightly packed that there was no way it could reach the ground. My legs stretched, my bare feet scratching against the wool blanket underneath us. Pulling in closer again, I shivered.

“Cold?” Mike asked, immediately aware of my trembling body.

“Kinda,” I admitted, sitting up.

“Me too.” He grinned like a fool, sitting up. His shirt was off, his muscles those of a body-builder. He was ripped, as my friends would call it. I usually didn’t go for that but on Mike, it was hot.

“Here.” He threw me his sweatshirt before tugging on his shirt.

“Thanks.” Slipping my head through the hole, I caught a whiff of his expensive cologne, the stuff I had bought him years ago. A wave of emotion hit me square in the chest, and I froze. Monica just didn’t get it. Mike and I had history together. Yeah, he could be a jerk sometimes but that wasn’t all the time. They didn’t see the other side of him. The sweet and sensitive side. Like him throwing me a sweatshirt when I was cold. Swallowing hard, I stuck my arms through the sleeves, coming back reality.

Mike returned to my side, pulling me back into his arms. “We should have gone someplace else.”

“Yeah, we’re idiots,” I intoned, and he laughed, his chest rumbling beneath my cheek. He leaned over and kissed my forehead, an action that sent my eyelids fluttering. My eyes met his and our lips came together. I didn’t want to leave. This is exactly where I wanted to be. In Mike’s arms.

Forever.

William

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! I struggled with the thought, my muscles contracting and bending, craving the wolf form. But I prevented the transformation, too in shock to change at the moment. Yeah, I have seen them kiss, even make-out. But this….this was different…

Mike’s hands were under her sweatshirt while hers were removing his shirt again. Swallowing hard, I quickly turned in the opposite direction. I didn’t want to see anymore. Running fast, I left the thick trees for the open pastures. As I leapt from the forest, I changed in mid-air, my wolf form ripping away my human appearances. Letting loose a wild howl, I hit the earth running, my claws digging up dirt. Plowing through a snow pile, I let loose another howl, picking up the speed until I was a mere blur.

I wanted to run. I wanted to forget what I just saw. I wanted to remember Veronica as she was earlier, even if she had been mad at me. It was better than thinking of her as the girl curled up in the woods half-dressed, making-out with a complete moron who was more interested in getting his hands down her pants than about the person she was.

Just then, with the impact of a freight train hitting a moving van, I was thrown to the ground. In reflex, I spun and closed my jaws around a mouthful of thick fur. A yelp was heard and I jumped back. Standing before me was a wolf, about the size of myself with wild blue eyes like my own and a pelt of silver.

It was Adam.

What are you doing here? I asked in my mind.

He cocked his head. It’s late. You should be at home already.

I snarled. I’m not a pup anymore, Adam!

Tell that to Chris.

Snorting, I continued on down through the cow pastures and into another forest. Adam fell into step with me. It was nice having a member of the pack with me. It helped calm my nerves. I knew Adam sensed the turmoil within me. In our wolf forms, when one was close to another pack member, it was like we could feel each other’s emotions. I concentrated on Adam’s then. His was that of complete relaxation. That was always Adam’s feelings. He was so laid-back I sometimes wondered if he could feel anything else.

What’cha thinking about?

Food, I lied swiftly without a second thought, picking up the pace. Adam matched it easily, his tongue lolling out of his mouth like a fool.

We made short work of the countryside and reached the farm in less than ten minutes. Chris was waiting for me outside, his large form leaning casually against the barn’s wall. Rolling my eyes, I changed swiftly, Adam following suit. Chris threw us each a pair of pants, and we dressed quickly.

“Where were you?” he asked once we were clothed properly. He was taller than I was with a chiseled hard-looking face. His body was nothing but muscles and bones, his frame huge. His eyes were the same electric blue that all of my brothers’ had.

“None of your business,” I growled, shoving past him into the house. The screen door whacked loudly against the trim.

“None of my business?” Chris challenged, ensuing behind. Adam hung back, sneaking quietly up the stairs. Sensing the fight coming on, I turned to face him.

“Chris, I’m full-grown now. You don’t have to watch over me anymore.”

“You know the promise I gave to mum before she passed. You, Adam, Luke, Travis, and Vince are all my responsibility. It just happens that you are the youngest.” He laughs softly.

Luke and Travis bounded down the stairs then. Identical twins, they pounced without mercy, wrestling me to the ground. Growling playfully, I threw punches, hitting rock-hard arms and legs. It was still a wonder to me how indestructible we really were.

“Hey, little bro!” Travis snarled, taking a handful of my hair.

“Little bro!” Luke echoed, aiming a sharp kick to my ribs that felt like a soft hit by a pillow.

“All right, all right!” Chris’ voice sounded from somewhere above and Luke and Travis rolled away from me. “Enough,” Chris scolded, receiving a few hateful glares from the twins. Brushing myself off, I stood. Luke and Chris both had mum’s ashy-blonde hair and same blue eyes. Their forms were like mine, lean and toned. They both were nineteen but acted closer to four.

“The twins acting like fools again?” Vince called from down the hall, slipping into the room followed by Adam. Vince mirrored Chris in almost every way except for his blonde hair. Only Chris and I had the inky-hued hair like our father. Adam was the smallest of the bunch, though he was the third oldest, his body scrawny. However, he was the fastest pack runner when in the wolf form. “Hey, I’m starving. What’s for grub, Chris?” Adam whined, rubbing his abdomen.

Chris laughed. Even if Adam was the smallest, he seemed to eat twice as much as the rest of us. “I’m not sure. Let’s see what we can scavenge from the fridge.”


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 11:55 pm    Post subject: Re: Midnight Blue; Three Reply with quote

Another great chapter by Ashley. Now we know who and what the mysterious William is and what this story will be about. I could tell that you like the William parts more because the only typos I found were all in veronica.

elephant hunting.



His arm was throw across my back as his fingers strummed lazily along my forearm.



I stuck my arms through the sleeves, coming back reality.



“Yeah, we’re idiots,” I intoned

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 12:06 am    Post subject: Re: Midnight Blue; Three Reply with quote

YAY NEW CHAPTER!!!
~~~~~~~

Quote:
I was curled up on Mike’s chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart and the slight rise and fall of his chest. His arm was throw thrown across my back as his fingers strummed lazily along my forearm. My eyes gazed up into the trees, the sunlight trickling magically through the leaves like an intricate maze, striving to reach the earth. The air was musty, still stale from Autumn. No snow was in sight for the leaves were so tightly packed that there was no way it could reach the ground. My legs stretched, my bare feet scratching against the wool blanket underneath us. Pulling in closer again, I shivered.

Awh. I love this! Very well written
~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
They didn’t see the other side of him.

'They' wouldnt make sense here. Since you only talked about Monica before.
~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
But this….this was different…

I think this would flow better like But this-this was different.
~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
I left the thick trees for the open pastures.

Maybe you could throw in why he was there in the first place. Like make him think it to himself like a slap in the face or something
~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
It was Adam.

I know you probably only put this in there short like this but i think should go into detail about who adam is. I know you want to jump right into the story but in order to connect with these characters we need some back round info on them. Get it?
~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
his tongue lolling out of his mouth like a fool.

This made me giggle.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
You, Adam, Luke, Travis, and Vince are all my responsibility.

It's like you know all the names i think are hot...amazing haha.
~~~~~~~~


Okay, again, you are just jumping to story here. To make it a little longer i would throw in some non-action passages. With the pack for instance, go with why are they alone? Where are their parents? are they all bothers? Even blood related? That type of thing was kind of left open here.
With Veronica's part, i think i would have her thinking a bit more, probably about her maybe being more diplomatic about mike. Have her somewhat consider Moncia's opinon, maybe hint at some feelings for William. that kind of thing.

The length wasnt to bad. William's part is a little longer than Veronica's. I think you should Have them even.

I like William's pack, but they remind me of Jacob's pack a little. I would say throw in a sister..but that might not work either. Maybe throw some twist in there somewhere.

I really don't like Veronica. She doesnt seem like a good MC. She has a low self esteem and is to down on herself. I hope she gets over that.

Other than that i do like your story. It's relatable. Very well written. Can't wait to read more.

Pm me when you get the next part up.

And yea, Jazz is fine. XD

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yey!!!!!!!!!!!!
XD
So will's a werewolf is he?
haha
well that was one of my first guesses on what he was
awesome chapter

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

playerj09:

Thanks! Very Happy

You are right with the William part. I really enjoy writing his better Wink

Thanks again!

jasmine12:

Wow, you are such a big help! Very Happy I can't thank you enough for all your comments and suggestion. I will fix all that you have mentioned.

Thanks so much, jazz! Wink

AllyyyAlwayyys:

Yes, he is a werewolf. Very Happy

Thanks so much for reading!

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another great chapter ash *round of applause for the awesome writer* Wink However, I picked up on a few things that I think you could do to improve ...

Length
I know you said at the start that it was short, but it wasn't so much the length of it, it was more the main focus of this chapter. It was like you were throwing us right into the storyline, eager to let us know what William really is (a werewolf - awesome!!). So try adding a few meaningless things into it, especially in Veronica's part to make it not seem as though you're eager to get onto William's POV.

Playing favourites ...
The only other thing I picked up on was that it was obvious in the tone of your writing of the two MC's that you prefer writing from William's POV - try and avoid this. I know it's hard to not play favourites with your characters, but try working on Veronica's character a bit more, as she doesn't seem as developed of a character as William. Do you get what I mean?

William
A werewolf - totally awesome!! This is a great storyline, when I started reading this I didn't think there was going to be any kind of mythical creatures involved. I love it!! Very Happy
I loved the bit when he was changing into a werewolf - totally amazing imagery there ash!! (:

Overall, I loved this story and those things I picked up on were only minor things and I hope I wasn't being too harsh as it was another great chapter!! (:
I hope this review helps, ashley. I can't wait for more!!
Lucyy xx

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 6:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ash,

I read this earlier but I didn't get a chance to review so here I am.

I think this was a perfect next installment. I already knew that Will was a werewolf so just coming out and saying it was great because usually people want to try to stretch the mystery until it loses its elasticity. I'm loving Will more and more because he is so sweet and his emotions are so human but yet you incorporate what he is very well. I like the bond he has with his brothers. It was enjoyable to read that part. Veronica's POV was great too. The descriptions were amazing and that whole scene was fantastic both in Veronica and Will's POV. You're doing an excellent job and I look forward to future installments.
Favorite part:

Quote:
My eyes gazed up into the trees, the sunlight trickling magically through the leaves like an intricate maze, striving to reach the earth. The air was musty, still stale from Autumn.

Beautifully written!

Thanks for the read,
~Angel

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:02 pm    Post subject: Re: Midnight Blue; Three Reply with quote

Quote:
Swallowing hard, I stuck my arms through the sleeves, coming back reality.


there should be a to between back and reality.

Okay, I really liked this and i was righr about William being a werewolf! Sweet, haha!

Anyway, I am so mad at Veronica! Poor Will, he really deserves a sweet,nice,loving girl. He needs Veronica but, she is so foolish to not notice how much he cares about her! She needs to break up with Mike! I really like this! Please PM when u post the next chapter or you need any reviews or just plain anything!

Krisy
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 4:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lucyy:

Thanks, bunches! You pointed out so much for me to change and fix. I won't be posting this for awhile cause I'm going to go through this weekend and fix all four chapters.

So thanks for reading this and fixing them Very Happy

Angel of Death:

Wow, you are too kind! Very Happy

I'm glad you like this so much.

pshhxhoney:

Thanks for pointing that out Wink

Don't worry I'll PM you when I post. Promise Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another chapter! *jumps up and down* This is SO good! Very Happy

Okay, first off I didn't have a problem with the length. I love this story so I wish it could have gone up but I didn't think it was too short either.

Lets do crits first shall we?
You need just a little more description in there(sorry, I know you've heard this from everyone) but it really is all action, this can be good but not for a whole chapter.
I don't know what you should do about POV, right now I think Veronica's point should just be cut out because it is obvious that you enjoy writing William more and that William is the better MC. Sorry, for being harsh! Confused
Really sorry, try to work on that though, adding superlatives will help.

On to warm and fuzzy complements!
You described everything beautifully, as your usual.
Werewolf! Yay! I love werewolves!
Addicting storyline, that seems to be a specialty of yours. Surprised

It rocked! I can't wait for more, although I hope you don't forget your other story! Wink Fantastic job again and the positives way out number the bad. Good luck! Smile

-Your Devoted Reader

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

omsvmars22:

Hey, you're not being harsh at all. Don't worry. I would rather you point out and pick apart every sentence rather than saying "It was good" and leave it at that. I'm not an author yet Wink hehe

But thanks for all the pointers, mars. I should be working on rewrites this weekend.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 5:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sweet! a shifter story. i kind of figure thats what this was, since you are writing(or typing) a vampire one.

Willian seems like a relatable character.

i like the story line so far, but i can tel that this has a classic story line in it.

I am off to read Four now. see ya around

-Bri

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