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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 14 Feb 2005 Posts: 4832 Reviews: 698 Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything. 318 Points
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Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:43 pm Post subject: Paul and Suzanne |
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For lit class, thought I would share. Inspired by Renoir's Dance at Bougival and W.H. Auden's poems In Praise of Limestone and The Shield of Achilles. The painting is attached.
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She couldn’t remember how they met
Or how they had lived together for so long,
But he had every moment etched into his memory—permanent, like it was chiseled—and
His brain was the only record of their love’s genesis.
The tangible proof shared hair ribbons and a bedroom,
Huddling together beneath holy, well-worn quilts, wondering where their mother had gone.
He told them not to fret, stroked their hair and hummed soothing, nervous little nothings:
“Don’t cry, ma petit, mon cheri, Mama will only be gone for a little while.”
The girls snacked on the sugar-coated lies—he wanted to believe them too—but falsehoods left them hungry;
They needed their mother’s milk and Hail Mary’s and bedtime songs, not the halfhearted reassurances of the rejected husband, a faithful lover scorned.
She was too young and too fair to stay, for he was dark-bearded, solid, and serious,
And even the heady nights of whirling, whooshing, wonderful dances at Bougival were not enough to hold her.
“Au revoir, Paul,” she called over her shoulder one morning, gay and filled with light,
And suddenly he was a widower,
And the little girls—poor, abandoned darlings—fought for possession of the red bonnet their pretty young mother had left behind.
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Last edited by Areida on Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:43 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Angel of Death
I love you. I swear I do. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 04 Nov 2007 Posts: 872 Reviews: 409 Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave 1533 Points
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Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:56 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Ari,
Wow, I haven't read anything of yours in a while. How are you? Well anyways, I loved this. I'm not good at critiquing grammatical things but I will review the content. I thought this was great the way you told the story was wonderful. Though I can't help but feel sorry for the children who lost their mother. The bit about fighting over the red bonnet was a nice touch to the end. Sorry I couldn't have been of more help or anything.
Great Job,
~Angel
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_________________ "Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
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adriangarcia
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 104 Reviews: 70 Country: United States of America 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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Well-written and executed. I applaud the side note notifying readers of your inspiration and including a visual. I thought the two paralleled quite beautifully. The French blended nicely and it wasn't awkward. I have very little to critique except that I felt the message is slightly blurred. There are instances where I'd be on track and then a sentence or wording would blur things. Try editing it some more and making sure that you are conveying everything.
Adrian
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Sapphire
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 23 May 2008 Posts: 233 Reviews: 140
350 Points
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Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject: |
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What I liked about this was how much you managed to convey in so few lines. You tell us a love story and the story of a family, and the information was never forced or squashed in or too sparse.
| Areida wrote: |
| But he had every incident etched into his memory—permanent, like it was chiseled—and |
The word 'incident' doesn't quite work here.
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| The tangible proof shared hair ribbons and a bedroom, |
I liked that line.
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Huddling together beneath holey, well-worn quilts, wondering where their mother had gone.
He told them not to fret, stroked their hair and hummed soothing, nervous little nothings:
“Don’t cry, ma petit, mon cheri, Mama will only be gone for a little while.” |
I'm not certain, but should the French not be 'ma petite, ma cherie'?
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| The girls snacked on the sugar-coated lies—he wanted to believe them too—but falsehoods left them hungry; |
I liked that too.
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| And the little girls—poor, abandoned darlings—fought for possession of the red bonnet their pretty young mother had left behind. |
Loved the end.
So not many suggestions at all!
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_________________ Click for critiques
Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 14 Feb 2005 Posts: 4832 Reviews: 698 Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything. 318 Points
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Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:43 am Post subject: |
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Hi y'all! Thank you all very much for your comments.
Angel of Death - Thanks! I tried to draw some visuals from the painting. It made it seem more vivid to me.
adriangarcia - High praise! Thanks. Are there any specific examples of the blurred message that you can think of?
Sapphire - Hi! Thanks for pointing out those specifics. I've changed 'incident'... That hadn't stood to me before, but reading over it now, I agree with you; it sounds icky. As for the French, I'll just be honest: I have absolutely no idea. I don't speak French. At all. So you're probably right.
Again, thanks for reading; I appreciate your time.
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"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
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