Topic ID: 36919
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 24 Jun 2008 Posts: 473 Reviews: 81 Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out. 369 Points
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Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 10:22 pm Post subject: When The Cheese Attacked. |
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This is just something I wrote for kicks when I was bored and made the mistake of asking my friend, "What should I write about?" Guess what he said. Yeah, "When the cheese attacked."
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The sky was dark and grey,
The clouds buried the sun;
Just an ordinary day.
Then it went for the people--
It flew into town.
And began its quest,
To bring the planet down.
You should have ran.
You should have fled.
You should have escaped,
The day the world bled.
But instead you stayed,
And you tried to save.
And in the end,
It's your life you gave.
You should have heard me out--
You should have packed,
You should have been gone and spared,
The day the cheese attacked. |
_________________ "The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
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AnAbstractHeart
Novice

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 06 Oct 2008 Posts: 13 Reviews: 5
300 Points
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Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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Haha, well there's an interesting way of getting yourself to write! I need to get my friends to spit out something random for me O_O
I liked it, It sounds so serious until the end.
Blood.
Gore.
Pain.
And CHEESE.
Epic. |
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playerj09
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 02 Oct 2008 Posts: 71 Reviews: 26 Country: United States 200 Points
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Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, for such a silly topic I'm surprised you were able to make an actual poem from it.
I liked this poem because it made sense and wasn't just words that rhymed but made no sense like I thought it would be. I think it would be better if you didn't say you and replaced it with they I think it would just flow better but this is up to you.
The funny thing is that you could change cheese to Russians or zombies and it would still make sense!
elephant hunting |
_________________ The Killers are the pie and I guess [my] looks are the cherry.” - Brandon Flowers |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 24 Jun 2008 Posts: 473 Reviews: 81 Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out. 369 Points
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Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:04 am Post subject: |
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| Oh. I never even thought about changing it from second person... |
_________________ "The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
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vox nihili
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 18 Sep 2008 Posts: 118 Reviews: 46 Country: There's no frigate like a book... 556 Points
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Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 3:14 am Post subject: |
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Cool! I loved the whole thing, and until the last line, I wondered: where is the cheese?
Exactly how does cheese attack, though? It's a really good poem. What would be cool is if you could elaborate on what happened. Somehow fatal cheese sounds like a good topic for a comic poem. Shouldn't
'You should have ran"
have been 'run'? I'm not an english major or anything, but it sounded kind of off there.
Other than that, it's perfect.  |
_________________ If you can't write the music's notes, ride them and enjoy the flow, like the flow of a mountain stream, and hang on to the melody, because like breath in the winter air, it's there, and then gone. |
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Passion
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 02 Oct 2008 Posts: 111 Reviews: 11 Country: Hell 1104 Points
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Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject: I wish i was there |
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| that is so cool. you're very creative. and imaginative. |
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Venom
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 07 Oct 2008 Posts: 68 Reviews: 26
412 Points
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Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:30 pm Post subject: |
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Ha. I really enjoyed this. I didn't see anything wrong with it, but then again, I'm not great at critiquing poetry. Your friend couldn't have given you a more creative or funny writing idea.
-Venom |
_________________ A friend will take you to CVS to buy a pregnancy test...
A best friend will stand outside the bathroom screaming, "NAME IT AFTER ME!" |
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BlondeTwiggy
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 20 May 2008 Posts: 25 Reviews: 13 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 2:33 am Post subject: |
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This is too funny. Hmm, I wonder if you will ask that friend for writing ideas again It sounds so serious and somber until the last line, like a surprise ending or something! |
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Bookmarker
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 26 Jun 2008 Posts: 364 Reviews: 24 Country: USA 917 Points
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Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 9:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Tee Hee! I know who the friend is. He he. |
_________________ Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
-Dr. Anonymous |
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gamechanger10
Excuse me while I kiss the sky. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 24 Jun 2008 Posts: 473 Reviews: 81 Country: I'll let you know as soon as I find out. 369 Points
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Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 8:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, I guess that's good, Joey, 'cause I don't. |
_________________ "The difference between the right word and almost the right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." -Mark Twain |
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Kaylyn
Southern Girl Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 15 Aug 2008 Posts: 756 Reviews: 165 Country: Forests of Raiyne 536 Points
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Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 11:06 pm Post subject: |
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| lol. that was a great poem. when the cheese attacked. so original. you can garuntee that there will never be another poem like it. i need your friend to sputter out something for me. lol. that would be awesome. youre truely talenyed to turn the subject into a great flowing poem. fabtastic job, good luck, and keep writing. I hope to see more of your works in the future. |
_________________ The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece.
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
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