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This thread was created on October 6, 2008
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Pray
Topic ID: 36903
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lordgluzman
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 121
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
435 Points
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 Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 2:57 pm Post subject: Pray |
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I shall stay
I shall pray
That the devil wouldn’t come for you
May all the sins
Fade away
The devil will be shocked by the ray
I shall stay
I shall pray
For my enemies in the final frontier
May all the poor
Have the food store
Thy will go in the heavens above
God but there is still a question
That is bringing me frustration
What do I do for you?
Can’t let you do this for nothing
I shall stay
I shall pray
For peace and love for the world
I shall stay
I shall pray
The world would full of richness
What do God and his Son get from their carriers?
I can’t hear you with my ears
I am tired of asking things from you
I wait for you call tonight until my phone rings
But you don’t call
I walk lonely down the hall
What does the devil get?
When our prayers are not answered
Does he laugh or cry
Is this his attack mechanism?
Did he start racism to prayers?
This question is full of hard layers
I shall stay
I shall pray
For all the insanity
What does God get for his job?
Does his life get rob?
I shall stay
I shall pray
For my family and friends
I shall stay
I shall pray
For the heavens up above
The Angel and the devil wakes up
They won’t pause if you will say stop
It is time to go to their jobs
To see their Lords
They walk in huge hordes
Time to catch
Make the prayers hatch
There are good
There are bad
But what is the finance when you answer them
What payment gets the grim?
Are we the wasted ones?
What are his fauns?
What do they get?
When we stay and pray (extended vocals)
Does the devil laugh or cry? (extended vocals) |
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Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
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Shine
My life=Randomness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 26 Dec 2005
Posts: 978
Reviews: 362
Country: India
319 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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First of all you need to add more puntuations to your work dear.Even if its a lyrical one you need to add the stops and the commas.
I would say this to be a good attempt.I felt its a bit random at times.But if you could just work on it,it wil be good.
Keep writing and posting! |
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"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh. |
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Lord Anzius
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Aug 2008
Posts: 623
Reviews: 80
Country: Finland I think?
482 Points
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 5:03 am Post subject: |
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OKAY dude.......
SOME PUNCTUATION.... like periods and comas: . and ,
You like onlu put ! and ?
But the song is good.... It rhymes enough although it could be a bit better.
I don't acctually how but I come up with something... LOL
Continue the good work.
LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE  |
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Boredom is a death sentence.
That is why I try to be crazy.
Crazy people aren't bored.
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thevoiceinside
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 39
Reviews: 20
Country: Land of the free; Home of the brave
201 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: |
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Hello Lordgluzman,
I understood your poem, at least I'm pretty sure I did. Although, everyone understands things differently. It speaks with such an uncertainty though. What I mean by that is that your words mean to me that the character in this, whether it be you or someone else, is expressing feelings of confusion and wanting answers as to why they feel that God doesn't answer prayers and doesn't really seem to be there. Maybe it's a lack of faith, or a lack of understanding, or maybe the character is just simply lost...I don't know but I do know that I really enjoyed the feeling that it captivated. Nice job 
-thevoiceinside
P.S. I wrote a really long song that I think you may enjoy. It's called "What Would You Do?" if you want to read it, go ahead. |
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| This thread was created on October 6, 2008 |
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