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The Masquerade- Pt. 1
The Masquerade- Pt. 1

by Conrad Rice in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 6, 2008
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The Quest
The Quest
The Quest Part 2

The Quest Part 3

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VampireBloodrace   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 4:04 am    Post subject: The Quest Part 3 Reply with quote

Ok, so I need a little help. I'll be honest and say that I really am not satisfied with the name of my story. If anyone would like to help me think of a title, that would be great! I understand that I haven't revealed a lot yet, and I'm just bombarding you with unanswered questions, so I don't expect to get titles immediately. (It's just my style of writing. I like to keep things in the dark and answer unanswered questions one by one and slowly. Lol. It grabs the reader's attention and it makes the reader want to read more!) Whenever you can think of a title (now or in the future) please tell me it!

I woke up with the sun at its brightest and the bush full of bugs.

"AAAAAAAH!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I scrambled out of from the bush and jumped crazily up and down, trying to desperately make all the bugs fall off my body. While embarrassing myself by probably looking like some sort of drunken monkey, I heard someone giggle behind me. Spinning around, I saw a beautiful girl, about sixteen years old, which was one year younger than me. She had short blonde hair and a pair of friendly black eyes with a black outfit and black hat on. She smiled innocently at me, making me notice her two very sharp canine teeth.

"I'm Animy," she said, politely introducing herself and holding out her hand.

I smiled nervously at her as I took her hand. While shaking it, I noticed her nails were medium long and sharp. *Why would anyone wear such nails?*

"You witnessed what happened last night, right?" she asked.

My eyes widened. Did she know the three boys from last night? I started to panic, not knowing what to say to her.

"You know? About the five guys who were murdered?" Animy continued, seeing I was uncomfortable.

I sighed heavily. "Oh, yes. That. How do you know about it?"

Animy smiled. "I was the one who called the police."

I smiled nervously. "Oh. So that was you?"

"Yes. I saw you on the street with two other girls. My father is a policeman and I was supposed to come find you so I could take you to my house and be asked some questions. Will you come? Please?"

"No, I can't," I said, remembering Oroshii and Demeter. "I've got to look for my friends."

"Oh, you mean the two girls that were with you? If they're lost I'm sure you could ask my father for help," she suggested.

I shook my head no, but Animy wasn't giving up. She grabbed my wrist and started dragging me out of the park.

"Hey!" I protested. "What are you doing?"

"Look, my daddy really needs help. He's in charge of this case and if he doesn't find those teenage boy's murderers, he's going to lose his job. Your the only witness we've found so far, so please help him and tell him what you know."

"I'm really sorry! I can't! Plus, it's not like I really want to be interrogated as a murder suspect!"

Animy looked at me confused. "You're only a witness. You're not a suspect."

"Still. I don't want to talk about last night anyway."

She sighed and looked at her feet. "Ok, but will you at least come with me to my house? I can't stand seeing you like that. You're all dirty and you have dead bugs all over you're clothes and hair! I promise my dad won't interrogate you!"

Somehow, I knew she wasn't lying. I decided it'd be a good thing to get cleaned off, then I would to figure out how I was going to find Demeter and Oroshii.

~~~~~~~~~~

After about fifteen minutes of walking in awkward silence, we reached the rich part of town.

"Wow. You live here?" I asked in complete awe at the gigantic mansions that sat on each side of a the street.

Someone like me could only dream of walking next to such wealth. I couldn't help but stare at each house we passed by as if I had just come from a mental institute. Like all rich neighborhoods, it was gated and only had two entrances. Of course, we entered one entrance, and exited the other.

"Wait, you don't live there?" I asked Animy.

"No. I live in Damire," she smiled sweetly.

"Where's Damire? I've never heard of it."

"Oh, don't worry, most people don't know it......it practically doesn't exist."

I stopped dead in my tracks. *She's one of them* She looked at me confused.

"Are you okay?"

I smiled. "Of course I am."

As I finished the last word, I slapped her. In the second it took her to regain her senses, I had already given her a hard punch in the stomach and dashed for safety. *Where am I going to go?!* I jumped into the gated neighborhood and started running for the other entrance. I looked over my shoulder and saw that Animy had just rounded the corner, dashing after me. I exited the neighborhood and kept running for the houses. As I ran down the street, I chose one of the yards, jumped in, and hid in their trash can.

I waited for God only knows how long, then peeked out from the lid. It didn't seem like Animy was around or any people to whom I'd looked retarded coming out of a trash can. I tried to climb out, but I lost my balance and the trash can fell over, making a loud clank noise. I heard the house owners yelling at each other to go outside and see what it was, so I quickly left. I walked back towards the park, the whole way being given dirty looks by pedestrians who weren't pleased by the odor I gave off. If they were being stalked by inhuman creatures, they'd hide in trash can if they had to, too.

After a while I finally made it to the park and I plopped myself on one of the benches. I took in a deep breathe and started thinking. *Where could they be? What are these things that are trying to kill and or kidnap us? What did we do to make them want to kill us?* My train of thought was interrupted by a soft meowing noise. I looked down to the empty side of the bench, to find that it was now occupied.

"Hey, where did you come from?" I asked the black cat while stroking her neck and gazing into her friendly black eyes. I smiled at her as she laid on her side, allowing me to pet her stomach. I moved my hand gently over her belly, only to find that she didn't like it one bit. She pinned her ears down and started meowing deeply. I removed my hand from her and continued thinking.

Again, I didn't get very far before something struck me. *Animy had a black outfit on.....she had black eyes......black friendly eyes.......and........I punched her stomach.........* My eyes grew wide as I noticed that a blonde haired girl with a black outfit and a black hat was sitting next to me.

"Hi Carzyl," she smiled. "Why did you run away?"



Last edited by VampireBloodrace on Mon Oct 27, 2008 10:47 pm; edited 3 times in total
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artistpersona   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 3:58 pm    Post subject: Re: The Quest Part 3 Reply with quote

Ah, the more I read the more interesting your story becomes!

VampireBloodrace wrote:

I spun around and saw a beautiful girl, about one year younger than me with short blonde hair and a pair of friendly black eyes.

About a year younger than me. Sound better?

VampireBloodrace wrote:
I sighed heavily. "Oh, yes. That. How do you know about that?"

Instead of using 'that' twice in the sentence perhaps replace the last one with 'it'. Here's how I would rephrase it: "Oh, yeah...that. How do you know about it?"

VampireBloodrace wrote:
"Yes. I saw you on the street with two other girls. My father is a policeman and I was supposed to come find you so I could take you to my house and be asked some questions. Will you come? Please?"

"No, I can't," I said, remembering Oroshii and Demeter. "I've got to look for my friends."

"Oh, you mean the two girls that were with you? If they're lost I'm sure you could ask my father for help," she suggested.

I shook my head no, but Animy wasn't giving up. She grabbed my wrist and started dragging me out of the park.

"Hey!" I protested. "What are you doing?"

"Look, my daddy really needs help. He's in charge of this case and if he doesn't find those teenage boy's murderers, he's going to lose his job. Your the only witness we've found so far, so please help him and tell him what you know."

I felt sorry for her and decided to go with her to her father, then I would try to figure out how I was going to find Demeter and Oroshii. After about fifteen minutes of walking in awkward silence, we reached the rich part of town.

Animy hasn't got a very good strategy there. Why would anyone respond 'Yea, sure, let's go, I can't wait to be interrogated as a murder suspect!'? It might be a bit more realistic if she was sneaky about it, saying something like, "Yep, I saw you on the street with two other girls. Why don't you come back to my house and get cleaned up? You look like a mess from sleeping under that bush."

VampireBloodrace wrote:
Of course, we entered on one entrance, and exited the other.


VampireBloodrace wrote:
If they were being stalked by inhuman creatures, they'd hide in trash can if they had to, too.

My favorite part. Wink


A title, hmm... Something gothic, dark? I can't really think of anything at the moment, but shall keep your request in mind.
I really liked the black cat part, by the way. ^^
Keep writing!

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Searria H.   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OOO.


Quote:
I jumped out of the bush and jumped crazily up and down, trying to desperately make all the bugs fall off my body. While jumping, I heard someone giggle behind me.

Use any word beside jumping.

Quote:
I took in a deep breathe and started thinking.


Quote:
asked the black cat while stroking her neck and gazing into her friendly black eyes. I smiled at her as she laid on her side, allowing me to pet her stomach.

I knew it was going to be Animy! I think I got a chill when I read that part! Very good.

Other than that, I didn't find any typing mistakes. It's really getting interesting!

As for a title, don't worry about it. I'm terrible at titles. The latest story I've posted on here, I have given the name "Kidnapping Freedom." Yes, I know. Dumb.

It would help to know a little more about the story before I can start giving title suggestions. Most likely, you'll be somewhere in the middle of the book and a title will just appear out of nowhere.

Anyway. Great writing. Can't wait to read more!

-Sea-

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Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I spun around and saw a beautiful girl, about one year younger than me with short blonde hair and a pair of friendly black eyes. She had a black outfit on with a black hat.


You haven't told us how old you are yet.

I still don't know the main characters name, but this is the best part of all!

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh...Now I remember reading this part! I think you e-mailed it to me. Either that, or I read it off your computer. Anyway, for the first time, I have a real critique! Yay! Lol.

*Animy had a black outfit on.....she had black eyes......black friendly eyes.......and........I punched her stomach.........*

Maybe you could italicize friendly, since you already mentioned the black eyes, it would put an emphasis on the word and maybe remind the reader that Animy had friendly black eyes too. And maybe switch the order of black and friendly. I think friendly black eyes sounds better than black friendly eyes, but, hey, whatever you want to do! As for names? Well, you know that I've already read some of this - hell, I'm a character in the story (I <3 Demeter, BTW)- but even I don't know where this is going. A title may come to me sooner or later, or to you even, but as of now, I've got nothing. Good luck with that! And keep 'em coming!

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VampireBloodrace   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 2:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I edited!!!! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Hopefully it's better! Tell me if there a re any more mistakes!

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I am Carzyl.
Fear me and hate me, for I am a bloodthirsty vampire craving for human blood. My deep crimson eyes will burn away everything you hold dear to your heart. My black hair will chew away your empty soul.

My fangs will steal your life.
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