Topic ID: 36871
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AllyyyAlwayyys
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 05 Oct 2008
Posts: 23
Reviews: 5
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:06 am Post subject: Broken and Forgotten |
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Broken
Small fragments are left over
From a whirlwind of pain
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Forgotten
No one can remember
Who I am
Or that I exist at all
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Broken
Just that one
The one I though
Would be mine forever
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Forgotten
Left alone
To die alone
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Broken
Hearted
No more tears left
For I've cried them all out
In your absence
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Forgotten
Sits alone
To be friendless and
Empty
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Broken
Small fragments left over
From a whirl wind of pain
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Forgotten
No one can remember
Who I am
Or that I exist at all |
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"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting. Could it be that we have been this way before"
-Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade
Last edited by AllyyyAlwayyys on Sun Oct 12, 2008 1:18 am; edited 1 time in total |
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xGraceex
Senior Writer
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Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:05 pm Post subject: :P |
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I liked this poem, it was full of real emotion and pain, and i think that was what you were trying to do when you wrote it so well done!
I think it needs some work though, i liked how you made certain words in bold to make the stand out to the reader
I think it needs more though, more feeling in the voice i guess. it ddint shout out for my attenion so i think you need to improve that
i loved it anyway - keep up the good work! 
gracey |
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
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grimy89098
Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 05 Jul 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 15
Country: Australia
356 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 12:47 am Post subject: |
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nice!
high five!
no?
ok then (:
liked this one, very nice. A+ 4 u!
perhaps more feeling in the voice (last minute edit: sry, just saw the review above me, sry for repeating that)
-grimy |
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AllyyyAlwayyys
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 05 Oct 2008
Posts: 23
Reviews: 5
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:10 am Post subject: |
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gracey;
Thanks so much :]
On my next poem I'll try and have more feeling my the voice
grimy:
Yes! i got an A+ :]
Haha Its okay for repeating that,
thanks for reading |
_________________
"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting. Could it be that we have been this way before"
-Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade |
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vox nihili
Senior Writer
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Posts: 118
Reviews: 46
Country: There's no frigate like a book...
556 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 3:08 am Post subject: |
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Good job! Very nice poem. I love the way you established the stanzas. But some spelling errors:
"From a whirl wind of pain"
Whirlwind is one word.
"Or that I exsist at all"
Exist has one s.
"The one I though"
Did you mean 'thought'?
"In your absense"
Unless there's an alternative spelling, absence is spelled with a c and an s.
Other than that, I was awed by your poem. Really good work!  |
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If you can't write the music's notes, ride them and enjoy the flow, like the flow of a mountain stream, and hang on to the melody, because like breath in the winter air, it's there, and then gone. |
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janey
Junior Writer
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Country: Canada
184 Points
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 1:39 pm Post subject: |
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Other than the spelling/grammer issues that someone else already pointed out, I like it in general.
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No one can remember
Who I am
Or that I exsist at all
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This seems a little simplistic, somehow, and doesn't conjure the same emotions and imagery that the rest of the poem did.
| Quote: |
Just that one
The one I though
Would be mine forever
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I'd take out the "Just that one" and leave it as the last two lines... feels a little repetitive and if you wanted emphasize something, I'd suggest emphasizing the "Forever" part instead. |
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Ashton
Junior Writer
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Joined: 07 Oct 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 6
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:36 am Post subject: good job |
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Your poem was stunning. I could almost feel the pain with you. It shows what really goes on inside a girls head. Keep writing and fix the spelling errors that the person above me suggested. But overall. Loved the repetion of broken by the way!
*Ash* |
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Writing for love is a pas
Novelist
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Posts: 254
Reviews: 79
Country: none ya (US)
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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| I love it, because, well, I can relate to it. |
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