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Playing The Field - Chapter 9
Playing The Field - Chapter 9

by Meep(: in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on October 5, 2008
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Winter of 2040 chapter two

Winter of 2040

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playerj09   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:16 pm    Post subject: Winter of 2040 Reply with quote

This is the prologue of the new novel Ive been writing for around a month. It is also the first chapter and the second chapter is were the actual story starts. The real story is nothing like this so if you don't like this don't be turned off.

"My God, James what are you thinking?", the commander in chief of the United States almost screamed into the speaker phone in his office."You are really going to go through with this? Think of what you are actually doing!" said the President.

"I know exactly what we are doing and how we will be doing it Mr. President". James Stanley, the Eco terrorist, said calmly. "As we speak my comrades are infiltrating the last of the nuclear facilities we need to destroy the parasitic species we are", James said.

"Think of all the nature you will be destroying", said the president.

"Nature will slowly heal itself and return to its natural state. Humans fortunately will not".

With that Stanley hung up the phone. The president sat at his desk listening to the dial tone and staring at the concrete wall in his bunker, where he and his family had been staying for two days. Six hours later a total of 14,000 missiles carrying nuclear warheads lifted off from their silos and slammed into the world.

The terrorists that let these missiles off were called Red Cell. They were just an obscure group of extreme environmentalists that were based in the U.S. and the U.K. who had gained they gained celebrity status as environmental advocates.James Stanley worked his way to the top of the organization and in a hostile takeover took control of it. He took advantage of the huge following that numbered in the tens of millions around the world. Military officers to state senators to teachers were openly part of Red Cell. He started his plan to save the earth by destroying it and wiping out all of humanity. They used their noble cause to gain the influence to control people high up the chain of command in many countries. When the missiles started flying the only countries that weren't targeted were ones with extremely small populations. Red Cell wanted to keep as much nature alive as possible. Small pockets of people stayed in countries that weren't effected but never came back to the way things were. Governments that were hidden away underground had to come up eventually and when they did they found barren land that still had enough radiation to kill them.

It wasn't until around 2030 that radiation in North America dissipated enough for wildlife to start making a come back. Deer, rabbits, squirrels, and wild dogs started building up they're numbers.Mid-size trees grew and the world slowly started re building. The northern-most parts of Canada were untouched by radiation. People who lived there were safe for awhile but without resources from the rest of the world most didn't last long. By 2040 people had made they're way south to the north of America.

The people who inhabited this area were tough loners that went for months without seeing anyone else.

They hunted with guns and ammunition they had. There was no gasoline or vehicles. Almost everything that was of use in buildings or houses were taken long ago.Packs of wild dogs that roamed the land hunted animals and humans alike. They traveled in packs of 20 or more when the food was scarce and went off alone when it was plentiful.

Steven Hood was born nine years after the explosions, in the north of Canada. His father and mother lived there when the when the disaster happened. Stevens mother died of pneumonia when he was only three. When he was three he and his father made they're way down to the north of America. This is when Steven learned to survive in the wilderness. They made it to Montana and stayed there. Stevens father died a week after his 13Th birthday. He cut his leg chopping wood and it grew infected. Steven had to face the world and all its dangers by himself.


_________________
The Killers are the pie and I guess [my] looks are the cherry.” - Brandon Flowers


Last edited by playerj09 on Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:43 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Anijumper   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"My God James, What are you thinking?", the commander and chief of the United States almost screamed into the speaker phone in his office."You are really going to go through with this? Think of what you are actually doing!"said the President.

“What” shouldn't be capitalized. It's actually commander in chief, not “and.” You need to put spaces in between quotes and words after them, such as at the very end of this paragraph.

Quote:
Six hours later a total of 14,000 missiles carrying nuclear warheads lifted off from their silos and either hit their own country or hit a country which hadn't seen the need for a missile defense system.

This sentence doesn't exactly make sense...

Quote:
until they gained celebrity status as environmental

Instead of “until” try “who had gained”

Quote:
From military officers to state senators to teachers were openly part of Red Cell.

This would probably sound better without the “From”

Quote:
country's that weren't effected

countries that weren't affected

Quote:
came back to the way things were.

Try “went back to the way things were”

Quote:
building up they're numbers.

building up their numbers

Quote:
Mid-size trees

Quote:
northern-most

These words/phrases need hyphens.

Quote:
started rebuilding.

Rebuilding is one word.

Quote:
they're way south to the north of America.

Should be “their.” This is also a little awkward. The next sentence after this can be included in this paragraph.

As for the last paragraph, that's something you should introduce in the first chapter. This works best if you give the general situation in the prologue and start off the first chapter about the main character. You never really want to say “This story is about...”

This world of yours sounds interesting. I'm looking forward to more!
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, playerj09! Very Happy

Here I am, ready to review!

Comments in bold, corrections in red


"My God comma James What are you thinking?", the commander and chief of the United States almost screamed into the speaker phone in his office."You are really going to go through with this? Think of what you are actually doing!"said the President.



"I know exactly what we are doing and how we will be doing it Mr. President". James Stanley, the Eco terrorist, said calmly. "As we speak my comrades are infiltrating the last of the nuclear facilities we need to destroy the parasitic species we are", James said. Whoa, okay. This is a lot of information for one sentence. Try to explain more of what you mean. "parasitic species" do you mean us? Also, that last sentence is worded funny. Try to read it again and you'll see what I mean Wink



"Think of all the nature you will be destroying", said the president.



"Nature will slowly heal itself and return to its natural state. Humans fortunately will not".


With that Stanley hung up the phone. The president sat at his desk listening to the dial tone and staring at the concrete wall in his bunker, where he and his family had been staying for two days. Six hours later a total of 14,000 missiles carrying nuclear warheads lifted off from their silos and either hit their own country or hit a country which hadn't seen the need for a missile defense system.



The terrorists that let these missiles off were called Red Cell. They were just an obscure group of extreme environmentalists that were based in the U.S. and the U.K. until they gained celebrity status as environmental advocates. James Stanley worked his way to the top of the organization and in a hostile takeover took control of it. He took advantage of the huge following that numbered in the tens of millions around the world. From military officers to state senators to teachers were openly part of Red Cell. He started his plan to save the earth by destroying it and wiping out all of humanity. They used their noble cause to gain the influence to control people high up the chain of command in many countries. When the missiles started flying the only countries that weren't targeted were ones with extremely small populations. Red Cell wanted to keep as much nature alive as possible. Small pockets of people stayed in country's that weren't effected but never came back to the way things were. Governments that were hidden away underground had to come up eventually and when they did they found barren land that still had enough radiation to kill them. That's crazy!? So this Stanely or James is apart of the Red Cell...? Try to make that clearer because you introduced a lot of people in this prologue. Try to space out this information throughout the story. You don't have to give us all this info now Wink



It wasn't until around 2030 that radiation in North America dissipated enough for wildlife to start making a come back. Deer, rabbits, squirrels, and wild dogs started building up they're numbers. Mid size trees grew and the world slowly started re building. The northern most parts of Canada were untouched by radiation. People who lived there were safe for awhile but without resources from the rest of the world most didn't last long. By 2040 people had made they're way south to the north of America.



The people who inhabited this area were tough loners that went for months without seeing anyone else. Wow, what a crazy thought....seeing no one for months, the earth a barren wasteland....*shivers* what a scary thought! You really a creating a good scene, player!

They hunted with guns and ammunition they had. There was no gasoline or vehicles. Almost everything that was of use in buildings or houses were taken long ago.Packs of wild dogs that roamed the land hunted animals and humans alike. They traveled in packs of 20 or more when the food was scarce and went off alone when it was plentiful.


This storie story is about Steven Hood Who was born nine years after the explosions, in the north of Canada. You don't have to say this. I mean, you can, but try instead of introduce Steven in a diffrent way. Unless your narrator is somehow important to this...I guess it's up to you. His father and mother lived there when the when the disaster happened. Stevens mother died of pneumonia when he was only three. When he was three he and his father made they're way down to the north of America. This is when Steven learned to survive in the wilderness. They made it to Montana and stayed there. Stevens father died a week after his 13th birthday. He cut his leg chopping wood and it grew infected. Steven had to face the world and all its dangers by himself.

This is some intense stuff, player09! I like the direction this is going. Future stuff is always cool, trying to predict what the world will be like. My only suggestions is with the amount of info you hit your reader with. Maybe try to find a more creative way to express that.

Otherwise, PM me when you post more!

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth


Last edited by ashleylee on Tue Oct 07, 2008 11:43 pm; edited 1 time in total
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playerj09   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks you guys I am going to try to re word this whole thing to not make it so... um.. factual? I guess and when I type the rest up I will tell you.

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The Killers are the pie and I guess [my] looks are the cherry.” - Brandon Flowers
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