Topic ID: 36849
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
1993vlad@gmail.com
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 11
Country: U.S.A
84 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:54 pm Post subject: Deep Love |
 |
|
Broken arms and broken bones is
Nothing compared to a broken heart
I’ve been trapped inside of my mind
Till I saw a signnnnnn
I’ve been hiding from everyone
Can’t go out in the sun
There is no simple way out
But to take down this wall
That’s made out of stone
There’s no simple way out
About that theirs is no doubt
I want too go insane
Inside of my brain
The city sleep’s in flamesss
-----go crazy-----
Feel the adrenaline rushing through your veins
Have to break out of these chains
So much blood, it’s like a flood
The gothic city is burning with crime
There is not much time
For me to come up with another rhyme
Do u want to fight? Or do u want to cry so
Stop, stop, stop don’t want to go pop, pop, pop- ah
Top, top, top don’t want to go drop, drop, drop
------finish----
(Stretch) I have individuality
(Stretch) the personality, immortality
(Stretch) Breaking my heart is like breaking my soul
Stretch) why to fight and break hearts
(Stretch) why to separate the parts
(Stretch) when you can find what you seek- on charts |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
lordgluzman
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 121
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
435 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I actually really liked it, but why is it called Deep love?
I liked the ryhme but I didny really get what was it about love or crime.
I understand that the song is lonely but what is it actually about? |
_________________
Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
And take you |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kiss of life
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Posts: 42
Reviews: 15
Country: in your shoe!p.s. it stinks in here!
0 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 11:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I liked it! It was good, but it should be in the poetry section because it doesn't really have a chorus or bridge. It just has verses! But I do like it. Also why is it called deep love? From the way I read it I would think that it would be called Deep Pain. Also the rhyme is very good. One thing you forgot was the ( in front of one of the stretches. It is good and you are talented, but you need to add more to it if you actually plan for it to be a song. Also you need to include the title in the chorus. Every song that I have ever listened to always has the title somewhere in the song and it is usually in the chorus. So keep working at it  ! You will get it. I promise. |
_________________
"Darth Vader is my kind of man...he is tall, dark, and handsom"
*room falls silent then everyone turns to look at me*
"What?"
~This happend in art class to me. |
|
| Back to top |
|
KissKiss08
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 12 Sep 2008
Posts: 140
Reviews: 13
344 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:36 am Post subject: |
|
|
Wow, this is really. really, great!
I believe I reviewed a poem of yours before.
Please remember that we have a 2:1 polocy here! you need atleat 2 reviews for every poem or story.
This is a great poem, but please make sure you try to respect our rules here.
I hope to see some reviews form you soon. |
_________________
Yeah, Teachers are great.
Can I have an A? |
|
| Back to top |
|
lshryock2
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 09 Oct 2008
Posts: 45
Reviews: 22
270 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 4:52 pm Post subject: Re: Deep Love |
|
|
wow.
great job first of all.
i really liked...
| Quote: |
Broken arms and broken bones is
Nothing compared to a broken heart
I’ve been trapped inside of my mind
Till I saw a signnnnnn
I’ve been hiding from everyone
Can’t go out in the sun
There is no simple way out
But to take down this wall
That’s made out of stone
There’s no simple way out
About that theirs is no doubt |
but the rest i didn't care that much for that much.
why did you name it deep love?
its interesting... keep writing |
_________________
"isn't it supposed to be like this? the glory of first love, and all that. it's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"---twilight |
|
| Back to top |
|
Someguy
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 09 Sep 2007
Posts: 257
Reviews: 218
Country: Somewhere in the South...
829 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 5:52 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Cool, cool.
I liked it.
Very deep. hehe.
Till I saw a signnnnnn
It is weird. signnnnnn. Well I'm a sucker, so please explain to me what you meant by the sighnnnnnn.
I really enjoyed it. Keep up the good work  |
_________________
IM BACK!!! for now |
|
| Back to top |
|
alwaysawriter
is back to writing and critiquing.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 May 2008
Posts: 898
Reviews: 126
Country: Hiding where , somehow, everyone can find me.
324 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 9:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hi 1993vglad. I'm not much an expert on this sort of thing but here's my best try:
| Quote: |
Broken arms and broken bones is
|
This should be: Broken arms and broken bones are because Is is used for one thing and Are is used for more than one.
| Quote: |
| That’s made out of stone |
I feel like this line should be taken out. Walls like that are hard to break down anyway and it just doesn't seem to fit into the rest of the lines.
| Quote: |
| About that theirs is no doubt |
Take out Is. There's is a combination of There and Is so there's no point for it. Theirs should be There's because it doesn't belong to them and for the reason I stated above.
| Quote: |
I want too go insane
|
To
| Quote: |
| Do u want to fight? Or do u want to cry so |
I'm not sure why you switched into chatspeak but for our benefit, please don't. It should be: Do you want to fight or do you want to cry?
| Quote: |
Stretch) why to fight and break hearts
(Stretch) why to separate the parts
|
I think these two lines would look better if you took out To and put a question mark at the end of both of the lines.
| Quote: |
| (Stretch) when you can find what you seek- on charts |
What charts?
I can see why it's called Deep Love, as I've read that love sometimes makes a person go insane, but maybe it should just be Love instead?
I thought it was okay. Your grammar was my big issue and as Kiss of Life said, find some way to put the title in the song. I think, however, this would be better suited as poetry.
Anyway, I hope I helped, keep writing, and PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter |
_________________
Need help? PM me or e-mail me! A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong. -Orson Welles. [JabberHut] 4:41 pm: I love how you say you're late when you're not late, Always XD -on me zoning out |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
