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Morning Memoirs, or The Unhappy Epilogue
Morning Memoirs, or The Unhappy Epilogue

by Clo in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 5, 2008
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Down the Drain - Chapter 7

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Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:09 pm    Post subject: Down the Drain - Chapter 7 Reply with quote

This is the last part, so don't read it 'til you've read chapter1-6.

“This is a spor plant.” Paspio said pointing towards a big silverish berry, easily twice the size of Will’s head. “It is very poisonous, and can kill at the mere touch. And this is a sunberryplant.”

Will had been led through the wall’s tunnel again, and was now standing inside a greenhouse.

“It is harder than a rock. Very delicious though.” He said picking one for himself, and popping it into his mouth. All of the sudden, Will heard an ear piercing shout. Will clasped his hands around his ears. The sound was coming from Paspio’s closed mouth! The sound stopped. What ever it had been, it had been in pain.

“P-P-P-Paspio,” Will started, still stunned. “What made such a noise?”

“What noise? I didn’t hear a thing.” Paspio said, spat out the sunberry, and was about to continue with his lesson when Will heard the sound again, louder then ever. It was coming from the sunberry!

“Shut up!” Will screeched above the noise. Will couldn't believe that Paspio was doing nothing about it. All of the sudden the noise stopped.

“What did you say to me you…human?” The same squeaky voice asked.

“I asked you, very please, to be quiet.” Will answered. His mind was telling him that this was impossible, and it was probably, but the sunberry was talking!

* * *

Molly felt around the walls. She was looking for a jutting rock, or anything that stood out. She was going to lose her mind. She knew it as a fact. All she did, was remind herself how to use magic and that it was the amethyst sucking it away. Finally, she found what she was looking for. It was round, and felt like a smooth rock just lying on the ground. Molly raised her amethyst shackles high up into the air, and brought it down with a thundering crash. They broke. She was free again.

The first thing Molly did was to light a fire by thinking of the sun. Once she did that, she started looking around in her cell. The room was massive. There was no smooth round stones. Only sculls. At first, she was horrified at the finding that She had broken her shackles on a scull. What she didn’t know was that Gelda’s spell has just been unleashed. The runemark she drew started to glow.

* * *

Will stared at the Sunberry.

“You’re a berry…why can you talk?” Will asked.

“You are a human, how can you talk?” The berry replied.

“Well…technically I’m not a human in this world. I’m a god.”

“What do you mean ‘this world?” So then, piece by piece, Will told the Sunberry his story.

“An amazing story.” The sunberry replied as Will felt five bony fingers whack his head.

“Listen!” Paspio shouted out. “I don’t want you opening and closing your mouth, I want you listening!”

“Sir…I was talking to…well, the sunberry.” Will said and pointed towards the berry.

“Oh…That’s impossible” Paspio said.

“No it’s not.” Will said before Paspio could start yelling again. “You said yourself that I am god of nature…so, I talk to nature.” Will said.

“It makes sense…” Paspio said. “Go back to your room…I need some time to think.” Paspio walked away, and with out telling the walls a thing, they opened up for him. Will picked up the Sunberry, and thought of his room. He wanted to be there. He blinked. He was in his room.

“Don’t mind that old coot.” The sunberry was saying. “Imagine how we feel! Every day he takes one of us, yesterday he took Pot, and puts us in the boiling water of his ‘mouth’, and then sends us flying out!”

“So…what's your name?” Will asked

“Erry.” Erry said. “And yours?”

“Will.”

“Umm…Erry, can you walk?”

“Of course…not. I roll if someone pushes me but that’s all.” Erry replied.

“But if my mouth is like boiling water to you…what is my hand or pocket going to be like?”

“Like a really hot day on a tropical island…” Erry said in a dreamy voice. “…Oh, and don’t forget the girls! Many pretty girls in bikinis...Mmmm”

“Yes. That’s how its going to be. Imagine that.”

Will and Erry sat around for hours without anything to do, till Will finally made a decision.

“I love reading.” Will told Erry.

“Whoopee! What do you think am I going to with that piece of valuable information?” Erry asked sarcasm heavy in his voice.

“We’re going to the library.” Will said as he carried Erry in his Island getaway. When he reached the wall, he asked:

“Is there a library in this place?” To his great amazement, the wall flagstones shifted to form two lips. They parted, and spoke in a deep rumbling voice.

“Yes…there is…Do you want to go…I can take you there…” The wall said slowly.

“Yes please.” Will said, still uncertain. Like usually, a pathway opened between the wall stones. Will walked through. This tunnel seemed much darker and scarier than all the others.

“Will…” Erry started to say. “I have a small hunch that-” He was broken off when a loud rumbling noise was heard from behind. The tunnel was closing. Will raced. He closed his eyes, and imagined Paspio’s study. Then, clutching the screaming Erry, transported. Will opened his eyes. He was in Paspio's study. Paspio looked up bewildered.

“Sir…The walls tried to kill me” Paspio jumped up.

“Impossible!” Paspio shouted.

“Sir…First they talked to me, then they let me into a tunnel to the library then-”

“There is no library here!” Paspio shouted out. From one of the shelves there fell a book. An eerie silence followed. A painting fell from the wall, followed by three more books. The walls were coming closer.

“Will the walls to stop Will!” Paspio shouted.

“What?” Will asked above the clatter of falling objects.

“Magic! You can control your magic with your will! Your true will!” Paspio shouted out. Will understood. He was about to concentrate, when Erry interrupted.

“If I may ask, what's happening?” He asked from within his pocket. Will lifted Erry out. He screamed.

“Shut up!” Will shouted, dropping Erry, causing him to scream even more.

“Shut up!” Will shouted again, but Erry wouldn’t listen.

* * *

Molly, not knowing what the glowing runemark was, stepped closer. All of the sudden it exploded. Each and every wall was knocked away, far away. Even the ceiling lifted. But amazingly, Gelda had included into her spell protection for whoever was inside the cell at the moment, so Molly was fine. She stared at the carnage around her. Then, the unexpected happened.

* * *

Will couldn’t concentrate. He just couldn’t. That was what Paspio had noticed. That was why he was taking desperate measures. You see, Paspio himself was a powerful wizard, and he too knew about every runemark there was to know, so now, he cast Úr, rune mark of strength on

the ground.

“Hold on!!” He screeched to Will as a massive hole was shot right through the floor,

against the ground, forcing their floor to propel upwards.

Wel, who was standing outside the palace at the time, was watching with amusement. He was of course the one in control of the walls. He was finding it strange that an old man such as this one, could use so much magic. Now, the entire room had been pushed meters up into the sky. Wel got an idea. You might call it a game. He stared hard at the sand below him. Then, he willed it to transform into a miniature model of the room, able to fit into his palm. A voodoo dol. He picked the model up, then, threw it as hard as he could.

The room in which Will was, Will knew but didn’t quite admit to himself, was flying through the air. Imagine I’m home, with mum. He told himself. All this is, is one big fun park, and all this is, is one very scary and exhilarating ride. Will still believed that his mum and dad were alive of course. Then, the ride crashed.

* * *

Molly saw a strange thing. A room flying through the sky. Now that you don’t see everyday. She thought. But stranger still, was that the room landed only a few meters away from her. She couldn’t even imagine how all this must look from the outside. Firstly, an entire building exploding, then, a ornately decorated room crashing through the sky. Molly smiled to herself. She was still wearing her white stained black cashmere jacket. Nothing was impossible in this world. Molly thought to herself. She then found herself trotting merrily towards the crash site. But when she opened the door, she saw unexpectedly, Will.

“You!” Will heard someone scream. Will looked at the speaker. It was Molly!

“Oh, hi Molly.” He said.

“You…you…you!” She muttered. Will could see a strange blue sparkling going on between her fingers. She lifted her hand.

Molly had a mind to kill. This was the person who had brought her into this place. And now, however helpless this boy was, he was going to pay. She threw a lightning bolt at him. Then, less than millimetres away from his face, it stopped.

“Oh come on…Can’t you see that I’ve just been practically killed during this…flight?” He asked.

“Well, yes I can see that. It’s just a pity that it didn’t!” She said and threw another bolt. Again it stopped.

“What didn’t do what?” Will asked Molly not catching his sarcasm, shouted out

“The flight didn’t kill you it’s a bloody pity that the flight didn’t kill you.” She shouted out, and began to cry. Will jumped up, waved the bolts away, and ran to her.

“It’s Ok.” He said.

“Do you even know what I’ve been through in this…place?” Molly asked as Will hugged her.

It was not common for Will to hug crying witches who had just tried to electrocute him, but there’s a first time for every thing. Next time, try fireballs. He was dying to say, but kept still. Then, through the tears, Molly told Will her story. From the moment she had climbed into the carriage till where she tried to kill Will. And Will listened dutifully. Then, when she was done, Will told her his story. And then, he ended it off with:

“And, although you lived in two different cells, I lived in two different homes, which was just as much torture. Imagine, all you’ve ever wanted, only a step away, yet, you can’t reach it.”

“What do mean?” Molly, who’s temper had gone down a lot once she heard Will’s situation, asked.

“I mean…I know neither of my parents are alive, yet, I keep holding on to hope that they are. And this is al I want. Just a small house, isolated from all civilization with my parents. Then, at that moment, someone landed behind them.

“Sorry, interrupting a moment am I?” Wel asked.

Will jumped and spun to meet Wel. When Will saw him, he gulped. It was an involuntary action.

“Oh…hello brother.” Wel snarled.

“Yes, Hello bastard.” Will replied.

“Mmm. I’m impressed Will. We haven’t even spoken yet, and yet you know my nature. How canny.” Wel replied.

“Pity you want to kill me. I thought we could be friends.” Will said.

“I agree. But then again, I did see you first. And I have a right you see Will…A right to kill you.”

“Oh. Your nickname should be 007. License to kill.” Will replied.

“Stop beating around the bush Will. I am here to kill you. So what do you chose? The easy way, or the hard way?” Wel asked.

“You watch way too much movies.” Will said. He didn’t know what exactly he could do, but he was pretty sure that he just lifted a tree out of the ground. Now, it was hovering directly above Wel. Will dropped it.

Will’s tree never really touched Wel. It just disappeared just above him. Wel, then started tapping his foot against the floor with impatience.

“Will…Is that the best you can do?” Wel asked.

“My very own brother, not able to conjure up any rune spells, or any spell for that matter?” He asked. Will didn’t know what to do. Despite his cheek, he was terrified. Wel looked at Will. Hadn’t he noticed what Wel was doing? Already there was a small crack spreading from where Wel was tapping his foot. Now, Will tried something else. He closed his eyes, and imagined himself standing behind Wel. He opened his eyes, and slammed his fist into the back of Wel’s head. Will heard a small crunching sound. He hoped that it was Wel’s head and not his knuckles, but a growing pain in his knuckles soon gave him the answer. Wel spun around, pure anger in his face.

“You do not lift your hand to The Almighty Wel, and survive!” Wel cried out, and grabbed Will’s broken knuckles. Wel, the only person alive with the power to crush a ten-ton block of solid steel, started crushing poor Will’s knuckles.

What both the gods had forgotten, was that there was still a witch in this business. Will was now screaming with pain, but Wel was merciless. Molly stood up. She gathered all the worst images that she could, some imaginary and some real. Like the cruel way that those men had burned witches, or shot babies. At her fingertips, the biggest and most electrocuting bold of lighting played its way around Molly’s fingers. Will screamed out. Molly threw the bolt, and disappeared.

Will saw Wel slowly but surely disintegrate. All of the suddenly, through his knuckles there sped a bolt of pure lightning. Then, his knuckles stopped hurting. He couldn’t feel anything. All he knew was that Molly had saved him. But soon enough, he noticed that he too was disintegrating. He closed his eyes. When he opened them, he was standing on air. He was flying up and up. Towards his parents. Towards his dream. And it was fulfilled.

* * *

Molly was back in her carriage. She knew that every thing had happened only by the fact that her jacket was white. Her hands were still burnt, and she was still cut and bruised. But it wasn’t just her outside that had changed, she had changed as a person as well. Now, she wasn’t Molly the rich spoilt brat, now she was just Molly. The plain normal Molly.

Quote:
Yes...I know there's a lot of unexplained things like Wil's parents muder etc. etc., but I'm working on the follow up.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 3:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mmkay, I'm going to make some major critiques here, because you asked for it. I just want to know that I'm not preaching to a wall, so if you want to respond with some of what your thoughts are on the work, I would greatly appreciate it.

1. character development
Main problem: Overall lack. Attempted characterization is present further into the work, but falls rather flat. Lack of Emotional description.

Example:
Quote:
“The flight didn’t kill you it’s a bloody pity that the flight didn’t kill you.” She shouted out, and began to cry. Will jumped up, waved the bolts away, and ran to her.

“It’s Ok.” He said.

“Do you even know what I’ve been through in this…place?” Molly asked as Will hugged her.

It was not common for Will to hug crying witches who had just tried to electrocute him, but there’s a first time for every thing. Next time, try fireballs. He was dying to say, but kept still.


Here's a good example from this last chapter of a characterization attempt. It's one of your better ones: you have a lot of emotions going on here. We've got crying, shouting, hugging, attempted murder, comforting, and quips. However, while the prose tells us all these things, we don't get any impact from the situation. The characters' reactions get nothing more than a passing glance. This should be a very emotional scene, and in truth, it's better than some of your earlier scenes, in the fact that you don't tell us "she was sad" or "he was angry". However, because you don't get into the characters' heads, because you don't show us how they feel (instead of simply what they feel), the emotional impact of the scene is lost. You only give us the outside appearances of anger, rage, hurt, and comfort, and not the feelings themselves.

Suggested remedy:
Get into your characters' heads more. Show us exactly how they're feeling - how the tears feel on their face, the burning rage, the longing. This is going to take some time. You can't just scribble something off. You have to think, long and hard, about what your characters are going to be like, how they're going to emotionally react to any given situation. A good way to improve on this is to keep a diary, especially when you're feeling strong emotions. When you're feeling sad, write a diary entry - free write, just keep your thoughts flowing. Angry - the same. Compare entries over time: see how anger differs from sadness, not only in feeling, but also in form. What words do you tend to use when you're angry? How 'bout happy? What does your writing look like? Keep asking yourself and your characters questions.

2. plotting and pacing
Major Problem: Lack of character motivation and plot direction. Some broken threads. Overall lack of explanations for all events. Unsatisfying and somewhat contrived conclusion. Characters do not "earn" their events.

It's harder to give a concrete example for this one, so I'm just going to reference the things I remember. One thing that sticks out to me is the talking berry. This served no purpose at all in the story, and simply added weirdness to an already surreal situation. As well, the talking berry example leads into another point - Will's powers over nature. They are inconsistent through the work, explained of being of nature, but being able to: control a person's hand from it's pov, teleport, stop a person's hand, stop Witch magic, and talk to berries. Now, of all these, only talking to berries and possibly stopping witch magic seem to fit with the theme. And in the end, it's irrelevent anyways, because Will's powers do not play into the climax.

But these details are not much compared to the overall problem with motivation and plot direction. Every event, from ending up in another world, to becoming the savior of it, happens without any input from the characters. Your MCs are nothing more than dragged along, never affecting things outside themselves, never changing anything, and not even necessarily changing things inside themselves. Your characters need GOALS. They need DESIRES. They need reasons for doing what they're doing, and most of all, they need the power to pursue their GOALS and DESIRES and make an impact on their world.

This factors into the problem of pacing. Because the characters are never earning anything, because they're never really doing anything, the plot moves in fits and starts. The main antagonist of Wel isn't even introduced until almost halfway into the story. Molly learns and masters her powers within the course of an hour. Things are squished together, happening because you want them to happen, not out of any intrinsic motivation or causation.

In the ideal plot, everything happens precisely because it must happen due to the things that came before it. for instance, a famous example:

Quote:
The queen died. Then the King died.


In the above, there's no plot. There's no causation for events. Things just Happen, they don't happen because of something. Now, consider:

Quote:
The Queen died. Then the King died of grief.


Voila! Plot. Event two happens BECAUSE of event One, not despite it. Of course, this is a simplistic example, as there is not much character, nor many events. Once you bring character into the picture, your plot options increase exponentially, which is why motivation is so important, it narrows your options and brings your plot into focus.

Finally, an unspoken rule of first stories is that they must stand on their own ground. Their plot must be complete. Even if certain things are left unexplained, anything that is an intrinsic part of the main plot must be stated, either implicitly or explicitly. So Will's parents? Not an intrinsic part of the main plot. Okay to leave it hanging. On the other hand, the runemarks and the Witch? Intrinsic. Must be explained.

3. Things well done
You obviously have the dedication to see a story through to the end. As well, I must commend your imagination - you have a wonderful vision, and I hope you'll take the time to develop it. This story has potential to be a beautiful work, perhaps even novel length, if you'll only devote yourself to making it better.

And that's all! I hope I could be helpful, and if you have any questions or comments at all, feel free to contact me.

~Annie
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 4:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You are horrible... you left me on the edge. WHy? You need tocomewith the follow up. Other than the factthat you left me hanging, the story was a nice happily ever after aighough the ending felt rushed and confusing. You should put in more detail. how would will or wel know that molly is witch. all will knowsis that she was a spoiled brat thathe he had brought with him. Please excuse the typos, the space bar issn't working alll that well. well pmme when the next chapters out. good luck and keep writing!

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 1:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WOW:....

The witch could kill a god........

How is that even possible.

Well anywayz.

Wel truly was evil, and Will seemed quite happy to be dead also Molly didn't seem to be very conserned of the fact that she had just killed Will.

And what happened to.... what was the name of the other girl... that native?

Well anywayz. It was good and I'm waiting for the follow up.


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