Topic ID: 36836
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happybear
Junior Writer
Age: 14
Joined: 21 Apr 2008
Posts: 41
Reviews: 18
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:22 am Post subject: I cant answer. |
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Don’t call me.
I won’t answer.
No! Hang up!
Walk away!
We’re through!
You’ve destroyed my heart completely!
I slink away defeated.
Don’t call me!
I won’t answer!
My love will not be given,
To any other man!
You’ve ruined me entirely!
I hide away so none can see
The bitterness that overpowers me!
Don’t call me!
I won’t answer!
This is what you’ve done to me!
You made me what I am today!
Here my body lies.
Do you see it on the news?
Yes, that mangled face was mine!
The one that you called beautiful!
Don’t call me
I can’t answer
None can call me now!
I expire in the pure snow
That white now stained with red
Like my heart,
Now stained with lust!
Don’t call me!
I can’t answer
That heart no longer beats.
And I no long breathe.
My hands you touched are cold.
My mind you that you had ravaged
Well it’s truly nothing now!
Don’t call me!
I can’t answer!
Yes, I gave my heart to you,
And this how it ends!
My broken hear is done!
My ravaged body through!
We tarried in the things
That we should’ve left alone.
Don’t call me
I can’t answer
If only you could see
What your lies did to me!
My body was a shell,
Harboring the hurt.
When I could not release it
It dispatched of me so quickly! |
Last edited by happybear on Mon Oct 06, 2008 3:33 am; edited 3 times in total |
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thevoiceinside
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 39
Reviews: 20
Country: Land of the free; Home of the brave
201 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:05 am Post subject: |
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Hey,
I found this interesting. But first of all, it was quite sad. There's a lot of emotion in this though. The meaning and descriptions go deeper than words and for that I congratulate you. Not many can describe something so deep that it means more than what the words can portray. I wish, so badly, that I had that attribute. You should be really proud.
Although, I have to say, you don't need to make it so gory.
"R" rated work usually attracts a much smaller audience. I would take out some blood and change it to "PG13". More people would be willing to read it then. Just a thought 
Nice job!
-thevoiceinside |
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adriangarcia
Senior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2007
Posts: 104
Reviews: 70
Country: United States of America
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:31 am Post subject: |
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I think, maybe, I don't like it. I can't make up my mind. It is emotionally driven' and, therefore, as a reader, I can't fully understand what's going on. Make it more of a narrative. Or, rather, include some more details.
Edit. Edit. Edit.
It's solid though. |
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fun4eva
Senior Writer
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Age: 13
Joined: 12 Jul 2008
Posts: 162
Reviews: 29
Country: India
195 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:21 am Post subject: |
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Hey, this was quite interesting..
It was expressive and sad.....
I can't help you much on the poem, but I can tell you one thing..
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Don’t call me
I can’t answer |
You use this line after every paragraph and it looks repetitive. Maybe it is meant to be that way, but when I was reading it, it seemed a bit annoying. Of course, thats just my thought on it. Its your poetry...so you decide how to write it..
I don't have anything much to say except good work..
Sorry I haven't been of much help...
xxx |
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Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 445
Reviews: 179
Country: Fantasy... DUH
597 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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| adriangarcia wrote: |
I think, maybe, I don't like it. I can't make up my mind. It is emotionally driven' and, therefore, as a reader, I can't fully understand what's going on. Make it more of a narrative. Or, rather, include some more details.
Edit. Edit. Edit.
It's solid though. |
I'm going to have to agree with him on that. Except the part where he says he doesn't fully understand it. I understand it; I just don't care.
Really, I don't care. Why don't I care?
I get it's emotionally driven. Yeah, I can see that... but I'm really feeling it. It's a little like bad acting; the actor puts on a show but they're just not making it believe-able and/or relate-able.
That's what I get when read this poem. Bad acting. Therefore, I don't really care because I'm not really believing you. How can you fix that? Well, I don't know, that's up to you. But I do have some suggestions.
SUGESSTIONS
1. Your Lack of Elaboration is one thing that attributes to that bad acting I was talking about.
| Quote: |
| You’ve destroyed my heart completely |
| Quote: |
| You’ve ruined me entirely |
| Quote: |
This is what you’ve done to me!
You made me what I am today! |
Yes, he's done all these horrible things to you... how? I need a reason. Elaborate.
2. Punctuation. Have you read this aloud to yourself? If not, you should. Then mark all the places where you pause and then later on, put the correct punctuation so it works effectively. It may not seem like such a big deal, but to get a sense of how every word is being spoken in real life can add to this. I like all the exclamation towards the beginning though, don't change those.
FAVORITES
And then, there were things I liked:
1. The Exclamations at the beginning are really good. It kinda gives me the feeling she's going hysterical and just wants to be left alone.
2. Switching From "Won't" to "Can't" is also very good. It adds to the thing where at the beginning, she's hysterical, but towards the end, she's done.
3. The Ending was gorgeous. Especially those last two lines. Remember to add punctuation though!
So, I like it... a little. It needs some polishing, though. PM me if you have any questions!  |
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xGraceex
Senior Writer
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Posts: 238
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Country: rainy old england
320 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: . |
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Im really offended that you said "dont read if you have depression" yea the poem was good but that is so insulting, my mother had serios depression and you saying that makes it sound as if it will be too much for her to bear if she ever read this - that is just the most stupidist thing i have ever heard - its almost as if you think people with depression cant cope if they read something sad. the world is full of sad things and its not a silly poem that makes someone sad it is their situation, a silly poem will not make you even more depressed, i am so insulted that you said that to my mother and myself and everyone else who suffers with depression, you saying it is almost boasting, saying "ooh my poem is so good that it will make anyone cry even if they just read it, so people with depression should never read it,"
Depression is a serios problem and i have had it myself, ive had it and ive written poems about it but i would never say "dont read it if you have depression" because that is so vile and horrible and insulting. I would never advise saying it ever, and you should be ashamed with yourself |
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Kiss of life
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Joined: 27 Sep 2008
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Country: in your shoe!p.s. it stinks in here!
0 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 11:53 pm Post subject: |
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| You had a lot of typos. You need to read over it and correct them. Also, as said by the user above me, You really should take out in the description the part that says "don't read if you have depression" because it really isn't that defending. It was good, but the fact that you still had it in first person even after the part that basically said that you had died. If you were going to do that you should have told it in third person. Also this shouldn't be in poetry. I think that it should be in the lyrics section. Don't get put down though. Just keep working on it. |
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leftnoa
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Joined: 06 Oct 2008
Posts: 9
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278 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:44 am Post subject: |
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| This is quite trite |
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lordgluzman
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Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 121
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
435 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 1:46 pm Post subject: |
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I am sorry but I didn't really like it. Your song was not unusual. Things what you wrote I usually hear everyday on the radio or read it on this website.
why does it have to be so sad?
I liked the point of the song it was good.
But you could have at least in the end write that you have finally defeated your weakness.
Good Luck |
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Princess
Novelist
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Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 267
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Country: Candyland
593 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 12:01 am Post subject: |
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Wow that was one of the best love/suicide poem i have ever read! there isnt really anything i can critique.. how about instead of I cant call you, make it I wont call you, and after the poem says shes dead, then make it i cant call you.
Its a great poem!!!! keep it up! |
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Snoink
Snuggly
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2148 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 6:45 am Post subject: |
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I critiqued your poem on youtube revver! That is, I read it out loud so you could see how it sounded like in my head. Hopefully, it'll help.
http://revver.com/video/1279048/affiliate/281273/critique-of-i-cant-answer/
And I think I make sense, but I was exhausted when I made the video, so bug me if you need any clarification. ^^ |
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Last edited by Snoink on Fri Oct 31, 2008 7:27 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Mrs Elizabeth Darcy
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Posts: 35
Reviews: 15
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 2:53 am Post subject: |
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Wow.
Wow.
Wow!!
I don't know what happened...but wow. I was really surprised. I didn't expect it to be so good. It's like... wow. I am going to make sure he sees this!! (just kidding) I love the repetition...it's just like a speech or a true dramatic poem. I'm really sorry whatever happened happened... :'(
Wow.
Wow.
Wow!! |
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vox nihili
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Country: There's no frigate like a book...
556 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 8:00 am Post subject: |
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I loved it. idk a/b the r-rated thingy. I didn't find it disturbing inthe least, save for the whole scenario. like, thats r-rated? if so, then i don't have barely one story that's family friendly...
i thought it was what i'd call wrought with emotion..my way of saying 'really deep stuff' just in more sophisticated terminology. love the whole scenario. but the spacing got annoying...the whole having to scroll down so much thing. what exactly happened though? it was beautiful, absolutely beatiful-but i don't understand if the woman commited suicide or if he killed her or-what?? consider expanding it-just don't incrase the spacing. that got annoying. beautiful poem, very simple language but very eloquent at once. keep writing |
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