Topic ID: 36830
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lordgluzman
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 Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 12:53 am Post subject: My Romance with the Sky |
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When I was just a boy
I had a vague dream
To fly and touch the white cream sky
Go even higher and high
When I was just a teen
I still had that vague dream
To fly in the air
I had nothing else about to care
When I was just a man
My brain wasn't empty like a hollow tin can
I knew I could fly
My goal was to feel the sky
I had to make a plan
I started constructing a machine
People around me thought I was mad
Deep in my heart I was glad
One day I flew through the air
This dream I had was really rare
Come on my flying horse
We need to go higher higher and higher |
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But Heaven is blue
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Last edited by lordgluzman on Fri Nov 21, 2008 2:00 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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adriangarcia
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:22 am Post subject: |
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I kind of like this poem. However, I also kind of didn't.
At first, I didn't like it. It was too generic. And, I couldn't read it without getting bored.
But, I read it a second time ... Bottom to Top. And, I liked it.
Having that kind of effect is nice.
Try editing this more. Could be something kind of big. |
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Kiss of life
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:23 am Post subject: |
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I like it! I think it was very good!
I didn't see anything wrong with it at all!
| Quote: |
When I was just a boy
I had a vague dream
To fly and touch the white cream sky
Go even higher and high
When I was just a teen
I still had that vague dream
To fly in the air
I had nothing else about to care
When I was just a man
My brain wasn't empty like a can
I knew I could fly
My goal was to feel the sky
I had to make a plan
I started constructing a machine
People around me thought I was mad
Deep in my heart I was glad
One day I flew in the air
This dream I had was really rare
Come on my flying horse
We need to go high high and high |
Nope nothin  |
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~This happend in art class to me. |
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1993vlad@gmail.com
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:36 am Post subject: |
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| relaxing would be the best word to describe for this- i mean if i was goign to bed or was chilling somewhere on a lil green hill looking at the sky- this poem would definatly be the one that would chil everything |
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1993vlad@gmail.com
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:38 am Post subject: |
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| relaxing would be the best word to describe this one - i mean if i was goign to bed or was chilling somewhere on a little green hill looking at the sky- this poem would definatly be the one that would describe the mood, even if there is little poetry in this - i still liked it |
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chichi
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:27 am Post subject: |
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This is a cute little poem, I like the way it is written. However some of the rhymes are forced. This is my best example:
| Quote: |
When I was just a man
My brain wasn't empty like a can |
First, cans aren't always empty. Why did you need to compare it? Especially in simile. Similes with strange rhymes are a dead giveaway that you struggled with it. Why not use a metaphor? And maybe a more poetic word than "brain". "My mind wasn't a hollow tin can"...? Not a very good suggestion, but off the top of my head.
I've noticed trouble with finding rhymes in heaps of poems. Here, in my life, even I struggle with rhymes in poetry. But you have to put a lot of thought into making rhymes as flowing as can be.
I wouldn't really read this to relax, but it appears to be a very peaceful poem, which I think was the message you were aiming for. |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 8:42 am Post subject: |
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I liked this poem. A lot. But I think you are living in the pre-historic age. People wouldn't think you are crazy if you were building something to fly. It would be great. Maybe you were thinking of time before the Wright brothers invented the flying machine. Well, apart from that it was great. And also, you slanted the poem, and it was unique. But you haven't used any punctuations, and that's an important fact for a poem. Try to work out where to put the commas and fullstops.
When I was just a boy
I had a vague dream
To fly and touch the white cream sky
Go even higher and high (I think it should be 'higher')
When I was just a teen
I still had that vague dream
To fly in the air
I had nothing else about to care
When I was just a man
My brain wasn't empty like a can (Maybe you can put 'empty like space')
I knew I could fly
My goal was to feel the sky
I had to make a plan
I started constructing a machine
People around me thought I was mad
Deep in my heart I was glad
One day I flew in the air (Should be 'flew through the air')
This dream I had was really rare
Come on my flying horse
We need to go high high and high (This should be 'We need to go higher and higher and higher')
Well, I liked this and it was good.
Good luck. |
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lordgluzman
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:59 pm Post subject: |
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| chichi wrote: |
This is a cute little poem, I like the way it is written. However some of the rhymes are forced. This is my best example:
| Quote: |
When I was just a man
My brain wasn't empty like a can |
First, cans aren't always empty. Why did you need to compare it? Especially in simile. Similes with strange rhymes are a dead giveaway that you struggled with it. Why not use a metaphor? And maybe a more poetic word than "brain". "My mind wasn't a hollow tin can"...? Not a very good suggestion, but off the top of my head.
I've noticed trouble with finding rhymes in heaps of poems. Here, in my life, even I struggle with rhymes in poetry. But you have to put a lot of thought into making rhymes as flowing as can be.
I wouldn't really read this to relax, but it appears to be a very peaceful poem, which I think was the message you were aiming for. |
Thankyou for this comment I will do what you said . |
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Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
And take you |
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lordgluzman
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435 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Chirantha wrote: |
I liked this poem. A lot. But I think you are living in the pre-historic age. People wouldn't think you are crazy if you were building something to fly. It would be great. Maybe you were thinking of time before the Wright brothers invented the flying machine. Well, apart from that it was great. And also, you slanted the poem, and it was unique. But you haven't used any punctuations, and that's an important fact for a poem. Try to work out where to put the commas and fullstops.
When I was just a boy
I had a vague dream
To fly and touch the white cream sky
Go even higher and high (I think it should be 'higher')
When I was just a teen
I still had that vague dream
To fly in the air
I had nothing else about to care
When I was just a man
My brain wasn't empty like a can (Maybe you can put 'empty like space')
I knew I could fly
My goal was to feel the sky
I had to make a plan
I started constructing a machine
People around me thought I was mad
Deep in my heart I was glad
One day I flew in the air (Should be 'flew through the air')
This dream I had was really rare
Come on my flying horse
We need to go high high and high (This should be 'We need to go higher and higher and higher')
Well, I liked this and it was good.
Good luck. |
Thankyou for your comment too. |
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Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
And take you |
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StarDuster
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: review |
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This poem was very good. I really really liked it. A lot. I love reading and seeing what is in every one's mind, exploring what they're all thinking about. This was particularly interesting. I'm glad I checked it out. Just a few things, so I can try to be a little helpful... (i hope) 
you seemed to use the word "can" too closely together in the poem, too soon right after the first one. Plus, you might want to watch out where you rhyme, although I loved how this poem flowed.
Great job!!!
StarDuster |
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Ember
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 8:43 pm Post subject: |
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| I thought this poem was very beautiful- you created this character, and you expressed his dream to fly so nicely. How he goes through different stages of his life reminds me of a camp song I know. I also expected him to die at the end, but that's just me (lol). |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 9:20 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not going to critique this poem, because I don't feel that I can. You know what's really cool about this?
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| But, I read it a second time ... Bottom to Top. And, I liked it. |
I read this comment, and I reread the poem, starting from the bottom to the top, and it works out really neatly! Everything still makes perfect sense, no matter what way you read it. I just thought that was really neat, and felt inclined that I should point that out. I don't know if that was your real intention, but it worked out nicely.
-Jared |
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olivia1987uk
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 2:27 pm Post subject: |
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Hey
There were strengths and weaknesses to this poem....one of the strengths was the way you set it out...very eye catching!! Well done...i love a bit of variation
However, although the contents were grammatically sound and so forth...I was bored by the topic...I do, however, feel that this would appeal to a certain type of audience, but unfortunately, I'm not part of it
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 4:49 am Post subject: |
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Strunk me, and sunk. Your best poem... so far
I liked It... I tried also reading it bottom to top, it worked like that as well. Of course there were some weaknesses, but then... everything does.
Good luck. I liked it.
LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE |
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lshryock2
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 5:06 pm Post subject: |
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i like this poem
but i dont get the messege
what is it? |
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