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The Wrath of the Createspace Guy: A YWS Fanfic
The Wrath of the Createspace Guy: A YWS Fanfic

by Clo in Scripts
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 4, 2008
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Love Can Be Blind

Love Ain't Easy Mac

Topic ID: 36826
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KailaMarie   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 12:07 am    Post subject: Love Ain't Easy Mac Reply with quote

The late summer sun filtered through the red checkered curtains as I played deli-meat-catch with my dog, Lucy. She was a skinny beagle. I thought she could use a little more protein in her diet. I sat on a kitchen chair with my legs crossed, eating a small piece of bologna before throwing a bigger piece to Lucy. She would catch it and chew it before looking back to me, expectantly.

“Sarah.” I heard my name called, and I looked up. There stood Brandon, my brother Ryan’s friend. He was my friend too, but secretly I’d always had a crush on him.

One time, I’d overheard him tell my brother he’d had a crush on me before he found out I was Ryan’s sister, but then he’d amended that by saying that would be too awkward.

Awkward schmawkward, I thought as I watched him walk inside towards me. I threw the last of the bologna I was holding to Lucy casually before I wiped my hands off on my jeans and unfolding my legs, touching my feet to the warm sticky ground. What a funny word. Schmawkward. I found myself smirking at the floor.

“Hey, uh, wanna go for a ride?” Brandon asked. I’d expected him to ask where Ryan was.

“Um, sure.” I quickly put the bologna back in the fridge, with nervous hands. Stop it. I thought to them. You’re giving me away!

But when I turned around, Brandon had left the kitchen and was already outside. “Bye, Lucy. Wish me luck,” I whispered to my dog. She cocked her head at me. “Yeah, me too, girl.” I quickly followed behind Brandon.

I saw him get into the cab of his black pick-up truck. I quietly got into the passenger side. He was being oddly quiet, I tried to start up conversation.

“So where are you takin’ me?”

“Out to the lake by my house. It’s usually quiet and really pretty down there around this time of day.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”

It was quiet for a little while after that. I just fiddled with my fingers. The silence was strange for him; I usually couldn’t get him to stop talking. When the car stopped, I looked up to see Brandon grinning impishly, showing his dimples. I couldn’t help but smile back. He was just too cute.

“C’mon,” he nodded towards the outside as he stepped out. The tail end of the truck was facing the lake, and no one was around, totally secluded.

Oh, the possibilities of being alone! I giggled quietly to myself thinking of stupid, fantastical, and romantic things that could happen here.

I followed Brandon to the back of the truck, and he put the tailgate down. He hopped up, and patted the area next to him. I sat where he’d patted obediently.

“Look over there.” He pointed over the lake. The sun was setting over it in oranges and pinks. It was beautiful.

“Wow. That’s really pretty.”

We both sat in silence for a little while, watching the sun make its way further past the horizon.

Suddenly, he kicked my shoe. I furrowed my eyebrows at him and pretended to be mad. I elbowed him kinda hard. I knew he could handle it. He chuckled.

“Ya know, Sarah…” he trailed off. I glanced up and he was staring off towards the lake, leaning back on his hands. “I actually kinda like you.”

I looked away, startled. I hadn’t been expecting a confession. Not at all.

“I like you too,” I muttered. I didn’t look over at him; I was afraid it was a stupid joke and I was making a fool of myself.

“Hmm… Well, what now?” He sounded really objective. I thought he was being weird.

“What do you mean?” I frowned at him, scrutinizing his expression, trying to find the meaning behind it.

“Well, we like each other but we can’t really date.”

“Why not?” I demanded. I was honestly a little insulted.

“Because of Ryan. He would hate it. Besides, I’m a couple years older, and I don’t think your dad would like that.” He just kept staring out at the sunset. I studied his face. His eyebrows were pulled together slightly, and his face was very somber, but his straight face always seemed sad, even when he wasn’t.

But his smile was the best thing in the world. When he grinned at me, it was like you put my heart in the microwave and put the timer on way too long.

“We don’t have to tell them,” I offered, feeling stupid just saying it. Like we were some forbidden love or something. I wasn’t sure what to expect from him.

His head whipped around and he grinned devilishly at me. It was different than his normal happy smile. It was a I-was-waiting-for-you-to-say-that-before-I-could-do-whatever-mischievous-thing-I-was-planning-on-doing-when-I-invited-you-to-go-for-a-ride kind of smile. I appraised him warily.

“What?”

“If you don’t mind not telling Ryan, than we can go out!”

I waited a couple minutes. He looked out at the lake again, and nudged closer to me. I frowned. “Well, aren’t you gonna ask me?”

He cocked his head at me, like Lucy had earlier. “Why would I do that? I know you want to. Don’t you?”

“Yes, but it’d be nice to be asked. ‘Cause then I can pretend to consider it, and make you sweat a little.”

He smiled his happy smile, and I beamed back.

He jumped off the tailgate and stood in front of me.

“Sarah, will you go out with me?” he tried to look serious, but it didn’t work so well. I don’t think I did a good job at that, either. I was gonna play this up, though.

“Why would I want to go out with you?”

He laughed. “Well.” He took a step closer, my knees were against his thighs. My breath caught in my throat. Such a simple thing, but it was driving me crazy. “I like you a lot. And I’ve heard that I’m not all that bad lookin’.”

“I don’t know. I’m still not convinced.” I wanted to see how far he would go.

“Not convinced?” he raised his dark eyebrows and smirked.

“Mhm.” I nodded to accentuate my point.

“Well I can cook a pretty mean bowl of Easy Mac. And if that doesn’t sway your decision, I don’t know what will.”

I stifled a laugh. “I can make Easy Mac too. You’re gonna have to do better than that, I think.”

“Clearly you haven’t tried my Easy Mac. It's fantastic,” he said as he took a step closer, and leaned down towards my face. He hesitated right before our lips touched. I guessed he was either waiting for me to meet him there, or he was still uncomfortable with kissing his best friend’s sister. I guess it didn’t really matter why, because I kissed him before he had a chance to say anything about it.

His lips were warm against mine, and his hands were at my back, pulling me closer. I arched my back towards him. He lowered me so that I was laying down in the bed of the truck. He was leaning on me.

This was my first kiss. I was almost panicking, but didn’t want it to stop either.

I was annoyingly disappointed when he pulled away, but he didn’t go far.

“Are you convinced now?” he asked, looking down at me. He still held on to me tightly. I felt myself blush, thinking that I’d probably just been the worst kiss he’d had. I tried to ignore that fact, though.

“Maybe. Ask again.”

He chuckled, “Sarah, will you go out with me, Please?”

“Only if you make me some Easy Mac,” I replied. I hesitated, but then kissed him sweetly on the lips twice.

He smiled with his dimples. “Promise.”


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Last edited by KailaMarie on Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:31 am; edited 3 times in total
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mizz-iceberg   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awee that's a very cute short story. Are you going to continue it? Is it part of a longer story?

Well, it was a nice story. I didn't catch any major mistakes. There were some missing comma's in someplaces.

Keep Wiriting
-Mizz

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey KailaMarie

Not too sure on this piece, although i do like your writing style...let me explain why...

Quote:
The late summer sun filtered through the red checkered curtains as I played deli-meat-catch with my dog, Lucy. She was a skinny beagle. I thought she could use a little more protein in her diet. I sat on a kitchen chair with my legs crossed, eating a small piece of bologna before throwing a bigger piece to Lucy. She would catch it and chew it before looking back to me, expectantly.


Nothing grips me in this opening paragraph and the description of e sun is slightly cliched....if I wasn't reading it with the purpose of reviewing it I would have got bored and stopped after this...

Quote:
He was my friend too, but secretly I’d always had a crush on him.


Again, very very stereotypical...we want things that stand apart from the crowd, not mingle in there!

I like the dialogue though, it was nice and colloquial and flowed quite well...its just the cliched soryline that bores me...you have anice writing style though; it isn't all bad!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi! I have been looking at this story and kind of reading it for the past few days but I finally have time to read the whole thing. Wink


Quote:
But his smile was the best thing in the world. When he grinned at me, it was like you put my heart in the microwave and put the timer on way too long.


What a cute thought!? Love this line! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

Oh, gosh, this story was absolutely adorable! Why can't there be guys like that at my school?! lol

But yes, this was beautifully written and your dialogue was extremely realistic. I could imagine everything very easily.

Wonderful job!

I think a gold star is in order Wink

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
It was quiet for a little while after that. I just fiddled with my fingers. The silence was strange for him; I usually couldn’t get him to stop talking. When the car stopped, I looked up to see Brandon grinning impishly, showing his dimples. I couldn’t help but smile back. He was just too cute.


This part really makes me smile, because it reminds me of when I had a crush on a cute boy. I really like the way you word it. I totally understand the main character's feelings. Very Happy

I do think the whole sunset, is kindof Cleshay.. (sorry no clue how to spell that) Instead, I would say, he came over to see her brother, but you wound up alone. Just an idea Very Happy

You come to the climax a little quick. Try leading up to it. You kindof just blurt it all out in the beginning.

Quote:
“Sarah.” I heard my name called, and I looked up. There stood Brandon, my brother Ryan’s friend. He was my friend too, but secretly I’d always had a crush on him.


Instead of just blurting it out, I would imply it by creating a scene, where maybe he comes over to your house to see your brother, and you discover you like him, or something like that. Smile

Quote:
“I actually kinda like you.” ...“Well, we like each other but we can’t really date.”


This whole part doesn't sound realistic to me. I think you need to work on your dialogue. The ideas are good but, the way they are said, I can't imagine someone really saying that.


Quote:
“We don’t have to tell them,” I offered, feeling stupid just saying it. Like we were some forbidden love or something. I wasn’t sure what to expect from him.


Love your wording here. Very Happy

Quote:
His head whipped around and he grinned devilishly at me. It was different than his normal happy smile. It was a I-was-waiting-for-you-to-say-that-before-I-could-do-whatever-mischievous-thing-I-was-planning-on-doing-when-I-invited-you-to-go-for-a-ride kind of smile. I appraised him warily.


That was really funny! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

Quote:
“If you don’t mind not telling Ryan, than we can go out!”


I don't think its neccisary for him to say that, and it doesn't sound realistic. Sad

Quote:
I waited a couple minutes. He looked out at the lake again. I frowned. “Well, aren’t you gonna ask me?”

He cocked his head at me, like Lucy had earlier. “Why would I do that? I know you want to. Don’t you?”

“Yes, but it’d be nice to be asked. ‘Cause then I can pretend to consider it, and make you sweat a little.”

He smiled his happy smile, and I beamed back.


This is really cute, and I can totally picture it.

The ending is really cute.

Quote:
Only if you make me some macaroni,” I replied. I hesitated, but then kissed him sweetly on the lips twice.

He smiled with his dimples. “Promise.”


I found this a little weird first of all, because you called it easy mac every time, up till this point, and because I think the girl's wording is really weird.
I think something like, "Well, I guess I can;t refuse" or something else, I don't really know, but I just don't like the underlined sentence. But if you do deside to keep it, I believe the , should be a .
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great story! I love your easy mac motif. It's really cute. Very Happy

Quote:
When he grinned at me, it was like you put my heart in the microwave and put the timer on way too long.

Quote:
Well I can cook a pretty mean bowl of Easy Mac. And if that doesn’t sway your decision, I don’t know what will.


Quote:
What a funny word. Schmawkward. I found myself smirking at the floor.
I really like this, because it gives a sense of randomness in the character's mind.

Quote:
She cocked her head at me. “Yeah, me too, girl.”
I was kind of confused about this part. Why did the dog cock her head?

Also, the first paragraph needs more snap to it that immediately gets the reader interested.


And maybe I just think this because of my limited boyfriend experience, but it seems a little unrealistic that they would kiss so early.

But overall, it's a really good story. Great job! Very Happy
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KailaMarie   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 1:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Also, the first paragraph needs more snap to it that immediately gets the reader interested.
Yeah, someone else said that too. I'll work on that when I get more time.


Quote:
And maybe I just think this because of my limited boyfriend experience, but it seems a little unrealistic that they would kiss so early.

and I they kissed so early here, because they'd both liked each other for a long time, so once it was out in the open, they were like eager I guess? maybe that's not realistic enough. I'm not sure.

and thanks for all the coments everyone! I'll edit it where needed when I have time.

-kaila

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