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Already Won Me
Already Won Me

by lilymoore in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 4, 2008
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The Quest
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The Quest

Topic ID: 36819
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VampireBloodrace   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 10:04 pm    Post subject: The Quest Reply with quote

I sighed, completely exhausted as I locked up the store for the night. I twisted the key to the left and then out of the keyhole. I put the key into my denim jeans pocket and faced Demeter and Osoroshii.

“Let’s go”, I breathed.

The three of us began our walk to the park where we ‘lived’. We have been homeless for two years now, and we're only able to survive on the little money we could work for.

I had long sleek, black hair and deep blue eyes. My face was flawless, my height resembling that of a 20 year old, even though I was only seventeen. The three of us were all homeless and we worked our butts off searching for jobs. I went from store to store looking for an aspiring position as any type of employee, but to no avail.

Demeter, a beautiful girl with blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, was a DJ and singer. She'd perform wherever she was asked for, for a specified amount of money of course. She was my best friend since I can remember and I always envied her beauty.

Osoroshii, who had medium grayish colored hair and brown eyes, never even tried looking for a job. Instead, she'd just sit and play her guitar on the street for ongoing pedestrians with hopes for a few generous offers. We had met her a few years ago. Demeter and I were already homeless and we had found her in one of the allies. She was all alone and she hasn't told either of us about her past- or about her.

When we were lucky enough to earn money, we had to spend it on school. Whatever was left -if anything- we spent it on food. Sometimes I wondered what we'd do in the future. We couldn't possibly go on like this for the rest of our lives and sleep on park benches. I wanted more from our pathetic life; we deserved more.

“I’m really tired tonight”, Demeter yawned as she looked down the darkened street. The only light that shone was the light from the full moon. Our community was so poor that it couldn't even afford to line the streets with light posts.

“I bet you are”, I said, dragging my feet on the sidewalk. “It’s almost sunrise and I don’t even have the energy to speak.” As I finished, I tripped on one of the cracks in the concrete. I caught myself just before I was about to fall flat on my face. I didn't mind the falling more about the worry of falling asleep if I did end up on the ground.

“I still don’t see why we had to stay up so long”, Oroshii sighed, annoyed. “Dem here was the only one that had to work.”

“It’s okay. I’ll even be paid for the overtime”, I managed to whisper before letting my eyes droop into slits and my head sag so low it almost hit the ground.

Demeter puckered up the last bit of energy still left inside her and scoffed. “Well at least I work! You're so lazy that you won’t even go looking for a job!”

Before Oroshii could protest, a honk made us all jump. We spun around only to see a red pickup speeding down the empty road.

“Oh no”, Demeter whispered. “Aren’t they the guys from school? The ones that always get themselves drunk?”

“Yes, it’s them”, Oroshii agreed. “And, if I’m correct, didn’t they try to rape a girl one night?”

I hesitated. “Oroshii, please don’t get any of those thoughts into my mind. If we’re lucky, maybe they won’t see us in the dark!”

“And why would they have honked if there wasn’t anyone on the street?!”

“Because they’re drunk!” I shouted, just as the pickup passed us.

It screeched to a halt a few feet away. It stayed there for a while before starting to move in reverse.

“Great, now you’ve done it,” Oroshii blamed me.

As the front window came into view, our eyes met with the drunken ones of the driver and five passengers.

“Hello girls. Want to join us?” the driver asked. It was Blaine, the quarterback on the football team. His eyes were glossy and I could smell alcohol in his breath.

“Shouldn’t you six be in bed right now? If I’m correct, you guys have a game tomorrow”, I said, while noticing the other passengers were football players as well.

“Now you sound like their mother”, Demeter whispered into my ear.

“Hey, aren’t you guys from school?” Phoenix, the captain of the team, pointed out.

“Better, at least we know they’re our age”, Blaine half said half giggled, while smiling a drunken smile.

They started to get out of the car, laughing and hiccuping the entire time. The three of us all sighed, knowing that we were going to have to fight these drunken lunatics. It wasn’t the first time we had met drunken men early morning. By now, we had made a living off of it.

We began with our first strategy. Before any of them had a chance to get anywhere near us, we dashed down the street, hoping the teenage boys were too drunk to follow us or would just give up. Unfortunately, that train of thought was immediately abolished. The guys jumped into the pickup and sped toward us, with no seeming intent to slow down.

“Crap! Are they planning on running us over?!” Demeter yelled. “I’ve fought men, but I’ve never confronted a car. Of course…” She took a look back at the car, now only feet away. “I’m pretty sure I know who’d win!”

“Run into that alley!” Oroshii shouted, pointing to an opening in between the humongous buildings.

We turned just in time as the truck dashed beside us. In the alley, we stopped and looked over our shoulders, to see if they were going to try to run us over again. As we breathed hard, trying to catch our breath, we could hear car doors slamming shut from the street.

“Man, they never let go do they?” Demeter sighed, turning around to face the oncoming battle.

Suddenly, a harsh, icy voice none of us had ever heard before pierced the air.

“What would you guys be doing out so late?” the voice said. The person to whom it belonged was male.

Whoever it was astoundingly scared the football players, who were known to never be afraid of anything. Each one stuttered uncontrollably until screaming set in. A sound like flesh being torn apart was heard.

“Oh my gosh……what the heck is that man doing?!” Demeter whisper-shouted.

Cries of ‘help me’ were heard from each one of the guys, but no one seemed to hear them, except for the three of us of course.

“I say we get out of here”, I whispered.

“Agreed”, the other two nodded.

Just as we were about to turn around, I was grabbed by two strong arms, holding me by my neck and waist.

“Let go!” I screamed while flailing my body around.

I kicked the person in between his legs and his face, making him bend to the ground and let me go. But, I wasn’t finished. I kicked him in the stomach and punched his face, sending him sprawling on the cold ground. The boy was about my age with black hair. His eyes were black; a beautiful black so deep someone could get lost in them. His nose was bleeding and he had a few bruises on his face where I had hit him.

“Serves you right!” Demeter shouted at the guy.

“Neeco?” the man who was talking to the football geeks called down the alley.

We looked towards the opening of the alley to see two guys, again about our age, standing there.

“You guys ready to fight, too?” Oroshii growled at them.

The boy, Neeco, looked intently and somewhat astonished at Oroshii.

“Humans? You let yourself be beaten by humans?” the other guy sneered, as if disgusted.

“Ahem. I’d like to point out that only ONE human beat him!” I objected.

I froze. *Did I just say…..human?!* I looked back at Demeter, same expression implanted on her now pale face. Oroshii, instead, still had a fierce expression, but with a little fright and anger mixed in.

“Carzyl! Demeter! Don’t let them scare you. It didn’t seem like it was hard kicking Neeco’s ass. Why should these two be any different?” Oroshii shouted.

The two guys growled low deep growls. Oroshii moved into her fighting stance and the battle was on. Both boys bolted towards Oroshii and reached her with incredible speed. Suddenly, the two stopped dead in their tracks, both a punch aimed at her, both punches cradled in one of her strong hands. The two looked at her smiling expression unbelievably.

“I knew it was you Oroshii”, Neeco’s voice chuckled. He had gotten to his feet and was watching with a wide smile on his face. Almost evil.

“You know her?” one of the boys asked as he jumped away from her, followed by the second boy.

“He knows you?” Demeter joined in.

Suddenly, police sirens filled the air and red and blue lights danced across the street.

“I think it’s time to leave”, one of the boys pointed out.

As the two boys jumped into the air and from one building to another, Neeco smiled at Oroshii. “We’ll be back”, he said before following his friends.

“Oroshii…” Demeter began.

“Here are the bodies! Search for the killers!” shouted a policeman.

“We better get out of here”, I said, grabbing both friends by their wrists and pulling them away.



Last edited by VampireBloodrace on Thu Oct 09, 2008 3:36 am; edited 2 times in total
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artistpersona   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Jan 2007
Posts: 48
Reviews: 13
Country: Cheeseville, Moon.
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:32 pm    Post subject: Re: The Quest Reply with quote

This is pretty much my first review of a story, so hopefully it isn't that bad. >P

VampireBloodrace wrote:
I had long black hair and deep blue eyes and I went from store to store looking for an aspiring position as any type of employee, but to no avail. Demeter, who had long blonde hair and blue eyes, was a DJ and singer. She'd perform wherever she was asked for, for a specified amount of money of course. Osoroshii, who had medium grayish colored hair and brown eyes, never even tried looking for a job. Instead, she'd just sit and play her guitar on the street for ongoing pedestrians with hopes for a few generous offers.

This reads like an info dump. Instead of listing what eye and hair color all the girls have right here, maybe you could ease the info in somewhere else.

VampireBloodrace wrote:
“I bet you are”, I barely managed to get out. “It’s almost sunrise and I don’t even have the energy to speak.”

You don't need to have both the 'I barely managed to get out' and 'I don't have the energy to speak' lines. Just make it 'I said', since the MC is already telling us she's tired.

VampireBloodrace wrote:
“Oh no”, Demeter whispered. “Aren’t they the guys from school? The ones that always get themselves drunk?”

“Yes, it’s them”, Oroshii agreed. “And, if I’m correct, didn’t they try to rape a girl one night?”

I hesitated. “Oroshii, please don’t get any of those thoughts into my mind. If we’re lucky, maybe they won’t see us in the dark!”

“And why would they have honked if there wasn’t anyone on the street?!”

“Because they’re drunk!” I shouted, just as the pickup passed us.

I would work on this part, it could sound more realistic.

VampireBloodrace wrote:
They started to get out of the car, laughing and hiccuping hiccupping the entire time.

Your only spelling mistake. ;D

VampireBloodrace wrote:
Unfortunately, the problem was that Dem, Oroshii, and I were extremely tired and completely out of energy.

You've mentioned that the girls where really tired quite a lot already. Consider deleting this. Smile

VampireBloodrace wrote:
Suddenly, a harsh, icy voice none of us had ever heard before pierced the air.

Try changing that to something like, 'Suddenly an unfamiliar, icy voice pierced the air.'



The rest tends to get a bit hectic... I got a little mixed up with who all the boys where.

The first half is over emphasized on the girls being tired the football dudes being drunk. Try to take out some of that stuff.
I also noticed that you tend to replace said a lot. Sometimes it's better to use said and let the characters words show what they are feeling.

Very interesting so far. And I really like your character names. Keep writing! Very Happy

_________________
The princes among us are those who forget themselves and serve mankind.

When the power of love is greater than the love of power, the world will know. Peace.

Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow.
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Searria H.   View This User's Portfolio
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Age: 13
Joined: 03 Feb 2006
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Reviews: 97

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 2:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have been trying to review this all week, but school has pushed me away from doing anything fun. Confused

Very gripping, intriguing, and interesting start.

As artistpersona has already mentioned, you probably should list character's physical appearances, especially three characters in one paragraph. Sometimes, it's better to wait for a reason to slip in information. For example, "Demeter's long blonde hair hung over her back, seeming to be equally exhausted." I don't know, but you get my point.

Quote:
I sighed partially exhausted as I locked up the store for the night.

This was a good start, but there needs to be a comma between partially and exhausted. Also you use the words "partially exhausted" here, but later, say that your characters are "extremely tired and completely out of energy." Don't contradict yourself. Very Happy

Quote:
Of course, the we still attended school in the meantime.

It should either be "...then we still attended..." or " Of course, we still attended school..." That's your choice.

Quote:
“Great, now you’ve done it”, Oroshii blamed me.

comma should be inside quotations.

Quote:
His eyes were black, a beautiful black so deep someone could get lost in them.

I think you need a hyphen instead of a comma.

Quote:
“Serves you right!” Demeter shouted at the guy.

You don't really need "at the guy" here, because we already know who she's shouting at.

Other than that, I didn't find any typos or anything.

I'm interested in seeing what these creatures are. Let me know when you post more!
Hope this helped. Very Happy

-Sea-

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As Jaquie's Teacher's deaf realatives said, "I can't hear you when it's dark."
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Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
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Reviews: 32
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“Oh no”, Demeter whispered. “Aren’t they the guys from school? The ones that always get themselves drunk?”


I don't know how it's from where yu comefrom, but here we have to pay schoolfees to go to school, and if the characters don't have any money, how could they go to school?

Quote:
Suddenly, a harsh, icy voice none of us had ever heard before pierced the air.

“What would you guys be doing out so late?” the voice said.


You should put the description of the vioce after the words spoken.


Quote:
Just as we were about to turn around, I was grabbed by two strong arms, holding me by my neck and waist.

“Let go!” I screamed while flailing my body around.


Firstly, I think that it is quite impossible to 'fail' your body around. You would use fail more in times where for example, if your character is falling. Find another word to replace fail. Secondly,it would be hard for you to turn while you are being held by two strong arms, but being tired as you are, I think it would be rather impossible aswell.


Quote:
Oroshii moved into her...


Unless I missed a sentace or two, you never mention that Oroshii is a girl. I sudjest mentioning it.

Right through the story, you never tell the reader what your name is. You make the reader thirsty for more. I'm just critting. Now, I'm off to chapter 2!!

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Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
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Reviews: 32
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123 Points

PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“Oh no”, Demeter whispered. “Aren’t they the guys from school? The ones that always get themselves drunk?”


I don't know how it's from where you come from, but here we have to pay school fees to go to school, and if the characters don't have any money, how could they go to school?

Quote:
Suddenly, a harsh, icy voice none of us had ever heard before pierced the air.

“What would you guys be doing out so late?” the voice said.


You should put the description of the voice after the words spoken.


Quote:
Just as we were about to turn around, I was grabbed by two strong arms, holding me by my neck and waist.

“Let go!” I screamed while flailing my body around.


Firstly, I think that it is quite impossible to 'fail' your body around. You would use fail more in times where for example, if your character is falling. Find another word to replace fail. Secondly,it would be hard for you to turn while you are being held by two strong arms, but being tired as you are, I think it would be rather impossible as well.


Quote:
Oroshii moved into her...


Unless I missed a sentence or two, you never mention that Oroshii is a girl. I suggest mentioning it.

Right through the story, you never tell the reader what your name is. You make the reader thirsty for more. I'm just critting. Now, I'm off to chapter 2!!

_________________
Don't juge a book by it's cover.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37432.html
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VampireBloodrace   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 3:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, so i edited what I needed to edit! I hope it's better now! Please keep critiquing me! Very Happy

I have a note for artistpersona.

VampireBloodrace wrote:
“Oh no”, Demeter whispered. “Aren’t they the guys from school? The ones that always get themselves drunk?”

“Yes, it’s them”, Oroshii agreed. “And, if I’m correct, didn’t they try to rape a girl one night?”

I hesitated. “Oroshii, please don’t get any of those thoughts into my mind. If we’re lucky, maybe they won’t see us in the dark!”

“And why would they have honked if there wasn’t anyone on the street?!”

“Because they’re drunk!” I shouted, just as the pickup passed us.

I would work on this part, it could sound more realistic.


This is what you had told me. I was wondering how I could make this more realistic. Thanks!

Other replies welcome because I really don't know how I would make this sound more realistic!

_________________
I am Carzyl.
Fear me and hate me, for I am a bloodthirsty vampire craving for human blood. My deep crimson eyes will burn away everything you hold dear to your heart. My black hair will chew away your empty soul.

My fangs will steal your life.
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