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The Big Brother Story For Which I Apologize In Advance
The Big Brother Story For Which I Apologize In Advance

by Nate in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 4, 2008
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Mr. Perfect
Mr. Perfect, Chapter 2
Mr. Perfect, Chapter 3

Mr.Perfect, Chapter 4

Topic ID: 36815
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omsvmars22   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 9:24 pm    Post subject: Mr.Perfect, Chapter 4 Reply with quote

Hello everyone! Sorry it took me so long to get this next chapter up. Along with Internet troubles I have also been amazingly busy with all my classes and sports. My apologies!

Well here is chapter 4...I hope you enjoy it! As always all reviews are welcome and I always learn from harsh crits. Thanks!

*To those who posted on chapter 3 about the cliche of my last line I have started this chapter with the new last line of that...if that makes sense. Thanks again!

****************************************************

I finally reached the Starbucks and sitting at an iron table, looking more like Raphael painted angel then man, was Leo.

My brain went fuzzy, my vision blurred around the edges until the only thing in focus was Leo’s face. I think my knees started to shake, I was also aware of someone shouting in my ear; loudly.

Subconsciously I knew that it was Jordan but that fact was still not registering with me.

The only thing that existed for me in the moment was Leo.

My cheek stung. Ouch. The thought reverberated through my head with the throb. I blinked several times and looked around. Jordan was standing next to me looking exasperated.

“Sorry I had to slap you, I was just afraid you were going to start drooling.” Jordan told me as she pushed a cold coffee into my hand.

“Would you really blame me?” I murmured to her. All my previous anger had been washed out of me at the sight of Leo’s face. Jordan rolled her eyes in response. I wasn’t aware of anything else after that because Leo had just caught sight of us and smiled.

My heart stuttered. Without breaking eye contact he walked over to us with superb grace. I had never in my life seen something so beautiful, both inside and out. The expression he wore looked like he thought something similar to me, not the revile creature I was; how odd. When he finally reached us (it seemed to take a very long time to me) his smile got wider.

“Hello Amanda. Pleasure actually meeting you.” His words were magical. His English was perfectly accented; he put a silent caress on every word; it was a voice that I would know even in a room of millions.

“Hi,” I managed breathless. With that he slipped his hand in mine and leaned in to give me two quick pecks on both cheeks. I think my heart stopped beating. My entire body turned hot, my cheeks were spots of raging inferno.

My reaction must have been extremely obvious.

“I’m sorry! What did I do wrong?” He asked anxious, he placed both of his hands lightly on my shoulders.

“Fine.” I huffed; my problem now was getting air to my lungs. A small line appeared between his eyebrows. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing; when I finally remembered how to do this simple action I opened my eyes. Leo was still watching me anxiously. Now I know this is going to sound cliché but you know those moments in time when it seems to last for hours rather then just the second it was? When you have just a slight instant of insight? Well I had one of those moments as I looked into Leo’s sky blue eyes. I could see everything.

“She’s fine Leo, you can both chill now.” Jordan’s voice cut through the moment more effectively then razor blades. Leo started then took a step back from me; I could tell by his shocked face that he had also been in on the moment.

“Right,” I said, looking away from Leo’s inquisitive gaze.

“Jordan, where is James?” I asked automatically looking around.

“He is in Starbucks, yelling at them for not making strawberry frapacinos here, where else?” she said perfectly cheerful. This brought me back down to earth, although my vision was still slightly blurry. I drank my coffee, glad to have something to stare at rather then just Leo. The coffee helped my nerves; ah coffee, more affective then a perkiest.

“How hard can it be to make a simple effing cup of coffee?” James growled. He had just joined us, keeping the silence from becoming awkward. Even though James was French I could only hear a hint of an accent, I wondered if this was from mastering so many languages.

“It is not the end of the world.” Jordan said dismissively. James’s violet eyes flashed.

For the first time since seeing me Leo turned his attention away.

“What was that? It would be impossible for the world to survive without coffee!” Leo said with indubitable sincerity straining his ideal voice.

“Cheers to that,” I said smiling and raising my coffee cup to him. Our group broke out into a laugh and Jordan muttered “psychopaths” under her breath.

“Yes,” I laughed as I swung my free arm around her petite shoulders;

“But were your psychopaths!” Jordan shook her head but smiled at the same time.

Our small group went through the mall looking at everything and laughing; I tried my best not to stare at Leo. I failed absolutely. I was comforted by the small fact that as many times Leo caught me staring, later I would catch him staring at me. A security guard finally had to tell us it was closing time.

As we walked slowly to the parking lot I pulled out my cell phone absent mindedly.

“What are you doing?” Leo whispered to me. His voice was so soft it could have been one with the wind but the way it tickled my neck sent goose bumps to my skin.

“Calling my mom.” I tried to answer as normally as possible.

“If you prefer, I can give you a ride.” He said, his voice still at a whisper. Yes, I would like a ride, I wanted to scream at him. Instead I controlled myself and said,

“I have to check with my mom first.” He nodded his consent and I quickly dialed. Mom said it was fine and I was focusing on the conversation so I didn’t immediately realize what sat in front us. James and

Jordan were already there; James in the driver’s seat of a shiny red convertible. James smiled up at Leo,

“You didn’t get here fast enough so I stole your driving role. You drive too slow anyway.” he said.

I gaped down at the car.

“You rented this?” I gasped. Leo’s brow furrowed.

“Well, yes. They were out of Mercedes.” He stated matter of factly. It took me a second to realized but there was only the very small backseat left. Leo had already climbed in while I still stood gaping like a goldfish out of water. Leo held out his hand to me and without a thought; I took it. He pulled me gently into the backseat next to him.

It was impossible not to touch in the cramp backseat, especially at the speeds James drove at. The wind that whipped in my hair and whistled in my ears seemed to keep my head clear at least. It felt so good to let the hash winds slap against my face, it stung my eyes. I finally submitted to the windstorm and hid my face behind my arm. I focused on how Leo’s body and mine rested together, how it felt right, too right.

He has a girlfriend! The reason and desire wrested together, it seemed like that match was going to take a while. When the car finally came to my house it was both painful to leave Leo and a relief. I watched them drive away until the shadows claimed them. I turned slowly back toward my home, thinking hard.


_________________
It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea
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sokool15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 3:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there! Thanks for the pm - could you pm me with the next one too? I really like these stories, but when you don't post for awhile I forget about them, even though I love following them.

Soooo overall I thought it was - pretty good. I mean, don't get me wrong, but it didn't move the story forward that much. It was just an obsessive, I'm-attracted-to-this-super-hot-guy chapter that didn't go anywhere. I think you should combine it with something exciting that could be pertinent to a more involved storyline later on... just a little hint or something to liven it up.

Besides the flat storyline of the chapter, though, it was very well written. I would NOT ditch it - not at all! There was an exciting tension between the two main characters that kept my interest, and we got to see just how completely awesome this dude is. Very well written - it just needs a little spice.

Quote:
The expression he wore looked like he thought something similar to me, not the revile creature I was; how odd.


That was a very confusing and poorly-written sentence. First of all, "revile" should be "vile," and why should she think that she is a vile creature anyway? Unless she has a super-low self confidence.

As for the rest of it, I'd rewrite like this:

Quote:
His expression mirrored mine - he looked at me like I was some heavenly vision instead of the vile creature I was. How odd.


Or something like that, anyway.

Besides that, you had a couple of typos - but those you can pick up yourself. Very nicely done, pm me with chapter five, keep writing, live long and prosper, farewell, auch veidersein, etc, goodbye.

Yours ever,
Kool Cool

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~Albert Einstein
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Mars! Thanks for PMing me about this! Very Happy

Quote:
“Sorry I had to slap you, I was just afraid you were going to start drooling.” Jordan told me as she pushed a cold coffee into my hand.


Wow, you got slapped?! That's really extreme...

Quote:
“Hello comma Amanda. Pleasure actually meeting you.”



Quote:
“I’m sorry! What did I do wrong?” He he asked anxious, he placed both of his hands lightly on my shoulders.


Remember, with dialogue, if you have a tag, whatever is after is in lowercase. like the "he" in this sentence.

Quote:
“She’s fine comma Leo, you can both chill now.”


Quote:
I failed absolutely.


This is an odd way of putting it. Maybe try "miserably" or something instead.

Quote:
I was comforted by the small fact that as many times Leo caught me staring, later I would catch him staring at me. A security guard finally had to tell us it was closing time.


Why would he half to tell you that it was closing time? Try to explain that more.


Quote:
As we walked slowly to the parking lot I pulled out my cell phone absent mindedly.


“Absentmindedly” is one word.

Quote:
He has a girlfriend!


What?! He has a girlfriend? Since when? I would try to explain the more.

This was another good chapter, Mars! Very Happy I’m loving this story the more and more you write.

PM me when you post more!

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-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
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fun4eva   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi!
I am genuinely sorry I took so long for you review.
Anyways, here we go!

In your writing style, I do not have any problems. It’s still like in your previous chapters, which isn’t bad. The way you describe the M.C’s feelings and Leo completely seems natural. You make Leo seem perfect, which is once again a plus point because girls usually tend to avoid the imperfections of the guy they are crushing on or attracted to or whatever. Though, I think you could use with a bit more characterization for James and Jordan.
Other than that, it was interesting and enjoyable.

I noticed a few nitpicks.

Quote:
Jordan’s voice cut through the moment more effectively then razor blades.

Use “than” instead of “then”.

Quote:
“How hard can it be to make a simple effing cup of coffee?” James growled.


Quote:
“It is not the end of the world.” Jordan said dismissively. James’s violet eyes flashed.


The part bolded seems kinda irrelevant there. I think you could merge it with the previous line like this:

Quote:
“How hard can it be to make a simple effing cup of coffee?” James growled, flashing his blue eyes in anger.


Quote:
For the first time since seeing me, Leo turned his attention away.


Use a comma there

Quote:
“But were your psychopaths!” Jordan shook her head but smiled at the same time.


Replace the “were” with “we’re”.

Quote:
“Well, yes. They were out of Mercedes.” He stated matter of factly. It took me a second to realized but there was only the very small backseat left.


Umm….Shouldn’t that be realised?
Quote:
“I have to check with my mom first.” He nodded his consent and I quickly dialed.


Ooh! Typo! It should be “dialled”.

Yeah, that’s pretty much it…Once again sorry for the delay.
The same request, PM me when your next chapter is posted.
All the best!
Fun4eva!
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This thread was created on October 4, 2008

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