Topic ID: 36810
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
thevoiceinside
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 39
Reviews: 20
Country: Land of the free; Home of the brave
201 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:36 pm Post subject: Just A Memory |
 |
|
Hello Everyone!
I wrote this song in two hours, so be nice on the critque. I hope you enjoy it 
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Just a Memory
Three years have come and gone
Yet the pain remains so strong
Why did you have to go so young?
The water wasn’t that deep
But still, you began to sink
I couldn’t grasp you, I couldn’t revive you
Why didn’t I realize the words that couldn’t be sung?
For now, the pain has only begun
At last, I tried to say I was “sorry”
But the words can’t escape my tongue
You’re just a memory
Gone so young
Some don’t understand
But you’re still clear
Always in my heart
I just want you here
Don’t you see?
You’re still a part of me
Are you in heaven? It’s been too long
Seven years have come and gone
Yet the pain remains so strong
Why did you have to go so young?
All I want is just one more night
I promise you, I will hold you tight
No more pain to pull you away
Why does it have to happen this way?
No one will ever take your place
I close my eyes and all I see…
Goodbye my little honey bee
You were there; your face so dear
No chance to say goodbye
It was your turn to fly
You’re just a memory
Gone so young
Some don’t understand
But you’re still clear
Always in my heart
I just want you here
Don’t you see?
You’re still a part of me
Tonight I’ll sit, tonight I’ll wait
Here I am; I promise I won’t be late
Sixty years have come and gone
Yet the pain remains so strong
Why did you have to go so young?
Our journey has just begun
Just a few more days…
A couple more months…
One more year…
That’s all it takes
I can’t wait to see you my dear
You’d be so proud…
Your grandson just turned eight
So strong, so true to his faith
Four more years and she’ll graduate
Your granddaughter,
She went on her first date
Me? I’m doing alright
Another wrinkle won’t bother me
You’re just a memory
Gone so young
Some don’t understand
But you’re still clear
Always in my heart
I just want you here
Don’t you see?
You’re still a part of me
My years have come and gone
Yet the pain remains so strong
Why did you have to go so young?
But I’m ready now, my little honey bee
Together forever…
Just you and me
We’re just a memory
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Cheers!!
-thevoiceinside |
_________________
"Life isn't about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself." |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Kiss of life
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Posts: 42
Reviews: 15
Country: in your shoe!p.s. it stinks in here!
0 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 12:50 am Post subject: |
|
|
| t is good but why is it about someone drowning? Why is it about death? That is my only question! you can pm me the answer because that isn't really a problem it is justa question! The words fit well together and i like it! Good job! |
_________________
"Darth Vader is my kind of man...he is tall, dark, and handsom"
*room falls silent then everyone turns to look at me*
"What?"
~This happend in art class to me. |
|
| Back to top |
|
thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Oct 2007
Posts: 1825
Reviews: 40
Country: That one on the left...
627 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:28 am Post subject: |
|
|
*sniff*
...
WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Gasp*
Nice work *sniff*.
This is a great song. You really hit the nail on the head in terms of how much pain is felt when a loved one, especially a spouse, dies. The pain does last for a very long time.
I can't shake the feeling that you recieved some sort of inspiration from a friend or family member, because you captured the emotions so well.
One last praise: the end of the song.
As I read through this, it was a good song. It reminded me of Just a Dream, by Carrie Underwood.
Then I reached the end.
One thing I always stress is that the end has to have some sort of resolution. And this:
| Quote: |
But I’m ready now, my little honey bee
Together forever…
Just you and me
We’re just a memory |
Counts as a resolution, because she can pass on and join her husband in heaven.
Nice job.
...
Ooh! Almost forgot!
*Stars* |
_________________
A good friends lets you come under their umbrella.
A best friend makes you run for cover, screaming, "Run, loser, run!" |
|
| Back to top |
|
lordgluzman
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 121
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
435 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 3:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ow my Lord.
THAT WAS AWSOME!!!!!!!!!!!
I dont know how to correct you. Your song just hit the spot. I could even sing this out loud if I wanted to. This is the best lyrics I have read on this website yet.
But why death of a little girl 
well if you have an answer PM me |
_________________
Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
And take you |
|
| Back to top |
|
imaginationgurl14
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 15 May 2008
Posts: 21
Reviews: 3
Country: United States.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 4:25 am Post subject: |
|
|
Wow.
Just...wow.
You did an amazing job on this! And in only two hours. Dang! You really do hit the nail on the head on how it feels to lose a loved one. I just lost my grandpa a year and a half ago and this reminds me so much of how I felt. As I said, amazing job. Keep on writing!
10/10
 |
_________________
"Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever... it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything.” -Aaron Siskind. |
|
| Back to top |
|
cogito_ergo_sum
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 03 Sep 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 4
Country: UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 9:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
this is really touching and emotional
I like it
well done
=)
Sarah
xxxx |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
HTML_d00d
Novice
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 03 Nov 2008
Posts: 13
Reviews: 4
Country: A Mystical village near a river that flows gold in a little world called my mind.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 12:11 am Post subject: W0075 |
|
|
I LOVE IT im not into the whole dramatic lyrics thing because i like rock and metal (go SlipKnot) but overall i liked it. =D
I like how you where able to like 'feel' it i would totally love to use this song if i had a band it would be TOTALLY AWESOME
My advice is keep on writing and if you get lucky maybe one day you can get some1 to take some of those lyrics and use them (with your permission of course) =D |
_________________
To write my poems I... Rip out my heart melt it into a glistening liquid to which i pour into molds made from the purest metals and reach in to find these... Hows that for a reason? |
|
| Back to top |
|
time_fox
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 15 Feb 2008
Posts: 72
Reviews: 20
Country: United States
343 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 8:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This is very pretty.
It's really well done. =) |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
