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Scars That Never Heal
Scars That Never Heal

by niccy_v in Advanced Critiques
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on October 4, 2008
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Planned Insanity

Planned Insanity Chapter 1

Topic ID: 36800
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 3:28 pm    Post subject: Planned Insanity Chapter 1 Reply with quote

Note: To those who know me, I'm not good at finishing a book because I always come up with new ideas but I kinda need a break from my current novel The Jane Effect and this just popped up in my head. Its going to be different from what I write and it may get gory and morbid and depressing after a while, so beware. Also I'm using mostly flashbacks and things here so bear with me. Right now, the chapters are going to take place a long time before the Intro. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Oh and before I forget, the Intro is up. So you might want to read it before you go on.

Here's the link:http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36644.html

Again, thanks for reading. Enjoy!!

~Angel

Planned Insanity

By Angel of Death

Chapter 1

Diane

The sun beat down on us, matting my hair to my shoulders. I had told Joanna not to pick a spot in the sun, but because she wanted to flirt with her sister's ex-boyfriend Todd, we were left with the table that sat the farthest away from the door. Pulling her long bronze mane back into a ponytail, Joanna stole a glance at Todd and winked. He was sitting to the left of us, with a couple of his buds on the Football team. Amongst them was Marcus Bryant. If he wasn't Todd's cousin, he'd be sitting by himself instead of with the jocks. Though he was sports material, with his brawny muscles and his tall frame, he was more of a loner than a quarterback. As I followed Joanna's gaze, his eyes caught mine. I wasn't the type to flirt, but I did smile. At first I thought his lips were going to pull up at the corners, but they only molded into a straight line under his nose. A ray of light shone down on Todd's table, illuminating Marcus's eyes. They were blue and green at the same time. Their beauty was so harsh that I found myself turning my head away from them. Joanna happened to be looking at me. She giggled once she figured out who I was staring at.

"Oh my God! You like Marc?" she said, playfully covering her mouth.

"Keep it down," I scolded " I don't like him."

"You were so checking him out. I saw you." she teased, picking up her can of Sprite.

Rolling my eyes, I took a bite of my sandwich and perused the rest of the grounds. The crowds were interlaced with freshman and juniors alike. There were so many ninth graders that you couldn't even make out the sophomores anymore. We became a dying breed when the new kids moved in. If you looked around, you could tell what class people belonged to. The kids that hung out by the wall were the Rebels. They usually wore black and way too many piercings. Then their were the Geeks, they were pushed into the outskirts of the eating area. Their glasses were pushed up to their noses, and every now and then, they'd slide down. It was quite amusing to watch, especially since I remembered wearing them. Joanna and I were apart of the popular crowd. We weren't cheerleaders but we made sure we dated Football players. It was the golden ticket to becoming famous around here.

"You won't believe what Chelsea Sumner did the other day!" Joanna exclaimed, her eyes widening.

"What?" I asked, uninterestedly.

"She slept with Peter Graham. You know, that boy that lives down the street from you." she continued.

"Jo, I really don't care. If Chelsea wants to do that then she can. No prob." I said, shaking my head.

"But a pimply-faced dweeb who picks his nose! How could a girl sink so low?"

A shadow fell over us, making me look to the sky. It was dark gray and there wasn't a drop of blue in sight. Something cold touched my shoulder. Before I could tell Joanna to run, the rain came down in sheets. It slammed against the tables, creating a gray veil. I grabbed my tray and I held it over my head. Joanna was already up, sprinting towards the door. The heals on her shoe were making her stumble as she ran. There was a crowd at the door so she practically had to push her way through. Not being as brave as she was, I waited patiently for the crowd to disperse. My legs were drenched and I felt hot and sticky. A growl resonated in the pit of my stomach, making me wish I would've ate faster.

"Get under!" a voice said.

I looked over to find Marcus standing beside me. His black hair was dripping in front of his eyes. His eyes looked gray under the umbrella that he was holding in his hand. It was orange and blue and it was big enough for two people. I nodded, and retreated to safety.

"I'll take that," he said, pointing at the tray.

Marcus thrust the umbrella in my hand and jogged towards the trash can. After dumping my soggy half-eaten sandwich in the garbage, he placed the tray on the cart and jogged back over. His blue shirt was sticking to his chest, accentuating every muscle. I handed him back the umbrella, my cheeks getting hot.

"Thanks." I said.

"You're welcome, but you should have watched to news this morning."

"Yeah I should have."

John

"Turn that damn music down. I'm tryna sleep," he roared, banging on the door.

"Yeah, sure Dad." I said, reaching over and turning the radio off. I hated Mondays. This was the only day of the week the old bloke was in a bad mood. Even though I didn't dear cross paths with him, I could see his face. Those black eyes of his would be furrowed to match that angry expression he always wore. The receding hair line would be reaching farther back, exposing a mass of shiny pale skin. Sometimes I don't know know where I got my dashing good looks. Must be from my mother, whoever that is.

I heard his heavy footsteps retreat down the hallway and then a door slammed shut. It was always noisy around here. If it wasn't the rain dancing across the roof, then it was doors slamming. If it wasn't that, then it would be the heated conversations of Mary and my father. She's the new wife, so he has to break her in. At least that's what he said.

Not a day goes by when she comes up to my room, looking for solace. I let her in sometimes, but then again, its funny to see somebody other than me get hurt. He used to do me in real good, until I fought back that one time. Now he finds women that are beautiful and turn them into ugly statues of his abuse.

"They're my muses." he says. If you can call purple-faced, bloodied lipped women muses, then gray skies should make you happy. And right now, I'm not feeling so great. Today, instead of asking the beautiful Barbra Sweeney out, I freaked. She thought I was some idiot psycho and ran away. I can still see her golden hair flowing behind her. It matched perfectly with her huge brown eyes. And then those legs of hers are magnificent. They're long and slender, and each time she walks, she has this grace about her. If only I could muster up enough courage to talk to her. Then she'd see that we need to be together forever. There'd be no more running away when that time comes.

I stared up at my ceiling, listening as the rain started to fall down. At first it was slow and then its pace quickened. I closed my eyes and hummed along to the sky's symphony. Amongst the music, I could hear a door opening and closing. It was my father, he was marching down the hallway and then his feet were pounding down the stairs.

"Where have you been?" he screamed. There was a pause, and then a smaller voice uttered something incoherent. This made my father mad, because a scream broke out, before there was another deadly silence.

This was what usually happened when a wife didn't obey the rules. So I wasn't surprised when I heard running water. To drown out the noise my father was making, I thought of Barbra. I could see us holding hands, walking down a beach somewhere. Far away from London, far away from here. We'd have little golden-haired children and we'd grow old together and I'd be nothing like my father. Life would be perfect if Barbra was mine.

Oh Barbra. How I long to make you mine.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The sun beat down on us, matting my hair to my shoulders.

I'm not sure sun alone could do that. Maybe integrating sweat as a factor would make this better.

Quote:
"Turn that damn music down. I'm tryna sleep," he roared, banging on the door.

Who's 'he'? Since this is a beginning to a new section you should use this person's name.

Other than those two things this was a pretty good story. Your descriptions were good, it flowed well, and it was an easy read for me. The only real problem I can see with this is that I'm still not sure what this is supposed to be about. We learned a bit about two people that seemingly have nothing in common but the fact they like someone. Other than that, though, it was really enjoyable. Good work.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Even though I didn't dear cross paths with him, I could see his face.

Other than this and the two things Mike B pointed out I didn't find anything that needed fixing.

I really liked the story because it was interesting to read and it definitely makes me want to read the next Chapter. The vibe I got from the father was that he wasn't the smartest person in the world but not necessarily dumb so maybe you should replace muses with something else. But that is your call and I might be wrong. Please write the next chapter quickly so I can find out what the story is actually about.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Diane

The rain had stopped coming down after sixth period. When everyone was inside, the tears from the sky fell steadily until it disappeared into the blistering sun. As we walked across the muddy field, Joanna moaned incessantly. She was wearing short shorts that showcased her wiry tanned legs. It was required that for gym, your pants had to not rise above your knees. But Jo was always a lawbreaker.
A volleyball net was posted in the grass up ahead. The whole class consisted of girls, who all crowded around the net talking and looking innocently over at the boys, who were playing football in the field over.
"My good heals are ruined," Joanna said.
"Buy some new ones. We can go to the mall after school," I suggested, rolling my eyes. It was always shoes with her, when I could care less about what was on my feet. As long as they were dry, I hated wet feet. Me and Jo were polar opposites. She liked parties and I was more of a stay at home and read a book type girl. Fashion was her language, while I didn't mine Algebra or Science. The only thing we had in common was our love of boys and Heroes. She had an extreme crush on Isaac Mendez and she wore black the day he was killed off the show.
"Maybe we can ask Marcus and Todd if they want to come to the mall with us," she teased, wiping sweat off the side of her face.
"Its not cool to date your sister's ex-boyfriend. Besides, I've got something to do after school." I replied, looking over towards where the boys were playing. Joanna followed my gaze. They were passing the ball back and forth, not really playing at all. The coach was standing off to the side-lines, shaking his head and marking something on his clipboard. Some boys weren't even participating, Marcus was amongst that crowd. He was staring down at something in his hands. I couldn't tell what it was, until the coach screamed his name and he hopped up. His muscles flexed in and out as he pulled the drawstring bag off of his back and pulled it open. Slipping what he had in his hand inside, he tossed the bag on the ground and ran over to where the coach was standing. It was a book he was reading. Marc was several things, smart, quiet, but I never deemed him to be a reader. Guys were bullied here if they read anything other than school books. I felt Joanna staring at me and turned back to face her. She was smiling, which made my cheeks flush.
"Just because I find him interesting doesn't mean I like him," I muttered.
"Oh yeah? How did you manage to stay so dry?" she asked, punching me in the shoulder.
I hit her back, and stuck out my tongue, hoping she'd just drop the conversation. Coach Caroll picked two girls to be captains. One was Vanessa Hardy, a girl who hardly picked anyone she didn't know. And the other girl was Georgie Waters, a quiet girl who always snorted when she laughed.
I ended up being on Vanessa's team only because I helped her with her Algebra homework. She didn't like Joanna so she picked, Bess, a short chubby girl who always cried.
"Its on girl," Jo said, as she crossed to the other side.
"Bring it on," I said, and the games began.

John

Mary was a mess. After she had got done taking a bath, she limped out of the bathroom, her hands covering her face. I had creaked my door open, letting her know that I'd let her come in, but she just walked by. Crazy lass she is. When my father was in one of his moods, it was best to stay clear of him, and here she was, heading towards his bedroom for the night.
"Close the door behind you," I heard my father say.
"Yes sir," Mary said, obeying. I caught a glimpse of her face before she was completely hidden from my view. It was red and a gash was gushing blood above her right eye. She must've been hit with a vase or something. I had many scars identical to hers. Those were the days when my father just threw things, so all you had to do was duck for cover.
It was a Friday, which usually meant it was my turn to clean. Well I had to clean everyday. My father was always painting, always sculpting so he didn't care how he left the house. Maids always quit after they experienced his rages, so I was left to deal with his rubbish. Pulling on a black shirt, I opened the door and headed for the staircase. There was drops of blood on the carpet. A red hand was painted on the wall. These pictures were all too familiar. All of my father's wives went through this and they did it only to have a roof over their heads and expensive clothes on their backs.
Muses he called them. But they were more than that. I remember the first time I saw my father beat one of his wives. It was Sandra, and he left all but her arms in mint-condition. I was ten back then and everything wasn't as dark and depressing as it was now. We went out to play cricket and took strolls in the park. There was even a couple of pets that he allowed me to have. Until one day he was tired of their existence and sent them to be put down. Sandra was a quiet soul but she was much like a mother to me than any other woman my father brought here. She had dark brown hair and huge green eyes that lit up each time she was happy. Which was rare because she had to deal with my father's rage. No one knew what caused him to tick but when he did, a huge blue vein throbbed in his forehead and his deep voice would always raise an octave. Usually he'd tell me to leave the room when he beat his wives but at the time he didn't care. He just thrashed her head across the wall, his huge hands positioned comfortably around her neck. Our mansion was far from civilization so Sandra's screams were never heard. I knew the number for the police but I just stood there, amazed. Amazed that my father could abuse anyone other than me, especially a woman. He loved the creatures. The way they talked, how they thought of simple things. All of his artwork portrayed the essence of the female species. Living and breathing, until his work started capturing their death. One of his bestsellers was his version of Juliette's demise. Only this time, Romeo was alive, standing over her mangled body, Rose by his side. A dagger getting to fly into her chest. To me it was a morbid picture but after a while you start to get used to the screams and the punching and the abuse. Its like second-nature. Somehow what my father does to women, isn't all that barbaric and cruel.
I walked past the broken vases and stepped over the plants, making my way into the kitchen. Dishes were strewn across the room. Some were in the sinks, others decorated the counter tops and the tables.
Sighing, I pushed up my sleeves and started towards the sink. The water smacked against the porcelain plates and saucers, making a sound that mirrored rain. I looked out the window to find that the sky was white, and there was no cloud in sight. Trees weren't swaying and birds were absent from the sky. Everything was quiet and still. It seemed as if there was no life about the Earth.
As I moved the sponge across each dish, I started to think back to the day Sandra left. My young mind didn't comprehend much back then and that was mainly because I spent my time watching cartoons and reading books. I was home-schooled so I didn't learn much, because my father sent the teacher away from time to time. It was a day much like this one, but there was a slight difference. She was wearing her finest clothes and her hair and nails were done beautifully. She was all smiles when she came home, until my father spoiled her parade. From what I heard, when I took the closet, he thought that she was cheating on him and beat her silly each time she denied. He kept calling her Maria for some reason, that I didn't know and when she asked him who that was, he threw her to the ground. When he came back, I closed the door, not wanting to hear or see anymore. A strong smell tickled my nose and then screams filled my ears. The back door opened and closed, until there was silence.
Pain surged through my hand. I broke from the memory and looked down. Blood was flowing down the drain, dousing the dishes in its red splendor. I winced as the pain became more prominent. Grabbing the dish towel, I wrapped it over the wound and turned to go into the bathroom off the kitchen. I was met with another window, which made me stop dead in my tracks.
After mustering up the courage to leave the closet, I headed towards the kitchen and stared out the window. Outside, flames were dancing across the field and muffled screams danced with the wind. Moments passed before my father came back in, his clothes dirty and his hands soaked in red.
"Where's mommy?" I had asked, frowning.
"Who?" he asked, his anger flaring.
"Sandra, where's Sandra daddy?" I asked, stepping back.
"Oh she left and she's not coming back. Now go to your room and...don't come out until I say so." he replied.
My father had killed Sandra that day and he got away with it just like all the others.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Diane

"How was school today?" I was sitting at my desk, doing the little bit of homework I had, when my mom suddenly appeared in the doorway. Her red hair was pulled up into a bun and her glasses were sliding down her nose. I smiled, loving the casual look on her. Usually she wore a suit and expensive heels. She was a psychiatrist and thought it was important that she looked presentable for her clients. My father was the same way, except he never wore jeans or T-shirts unless it was a football jersey. I put my pencil down and turned to face her.
"It was okay. My team beat Jo's in gym today. She owes me an ice cream." I replied, thinking back to the game of volleyball. Joanna was so confident that her team was going to win, that she got all the adrenaline she could to flow through her veins. But when it was time for our team to serve, her teammates didn't 'bring it on', instead they dived to the ground, missing the ball completely.
"That's nice. It rained pretty bad earlier. Did your clothes get too wet? Do I need to throw them in the wash?" she asked, her eyes widening. My mom was always this was on a Friday. There was nothing for her to do except do housework and that wasn't even enough. She would ask question upon question, hardly able to keep up with one topic in a conversation. I guess that's what being a psychiatrist did to a person.
My cheeks flushed, and they've been doing that a lot lately. Every time I think of how Jo teased me about liking Marc and him sharing his umbrella, color washes over my face. Mom saw the pink tinge and cocked her head to the side, like she always did when she was curious.
"No mom. I don't need my clothes washed." I said, looking away. She came farther into the room, and took a seat on the edge of my bed. After moving a strand of hair from her eyes, she pushed up her glasses and gazed intently at me. Waiting for me to spill whatever it was on my mind out.
"There's this boy..." I started, sighing.
"Really? What's his name?" she asked, interestedly.
"No...its not like I like him...its just he's so...different." I said, defensively.
"How so?"
"I don't know how to explain it. He reads and he's quiet and he's just unlike every other guy in the school. It bothers me, really."
"Hmm?" My mom smiled brightly which made me return the gesture. I never really knew that Marcus bothered me because it didn't occur to me that a nice guy could. There was just something about him that made me want to spill the truth out and then more. That was what bothered me.
"His name is Marcus Bryant." I said, breaking the sudden silence.

Present day

I woke up the next morning, curled up on the couch. The last thing I remembered doing before I passed out, was throwing up. The taste of bile and blood lingered on my tongue. My mouth was dry and a pain so unbearable throbbed behind my head.
A pale light shone into the living room, making me squint my eyes. It was morning, a new day. But the worse wasn't over yet. I sat up, my head so heavy that I almost fell back.
When you feel like you're going to lose control of yourself. Close your eyes and count to five. You need to tell that other side of you, that Diane West is still there. John Fuller is not torturing you any longer.
Dr. Penn's words played over and over in my mind. She told me that all I had to do was find myself but where was I? He took everything I had away, leaving me with his face and voice still running through my thoughts. Tears slid down my face, as I struggled to contain myself. I felt like screaming and the fact that I saw him yesterday didn't help. His eyes and his handsome features were still with me. Sometimes its like this never happened. And if I could, I'd turn back the hands of time and meet him again. Run across the beach with my sun-kissed hair flowing in the wind. The pink bikini I had on would still fit perfectly on my body and he'd be there watching me, smiling.
I'm watching you
There was a knock at the door. It was Marc. Judging by his arrival, it had to be noon. This was another bad thing about my condition. Time was wasted sleeping. Before I couldn't stand to close my eyes, and now I'm either going to sleep to see him or crying myself into the land of darkness.
"Coming," I called, my voice hoarse.
The knob turned and the door pushed open, revealing a man with a brown jacket and jeans on. His black hair ruffled and his eyes dark and troubled. I don't know how Marcus got in but I didn't recall giving him a key. This wasn't the time for him to be here. My appearance probably screamed tears and nightmares. He stared at me, a grocery bag was in his hands. As he walked over towards the counter and placed the bag down, his gaze didn't break from me.
"Your mother made this for me," he said, sensing my confusion.
Mom. I should have known. She was always here, analyzing my thoughts and my actions. It got so bad that when she visited, a clipboard was always on her person. I could tell she was in pain, because she hardly smiled anymore. The wrinkles that should have came long ago, were plastered on her face. Bags and frown lines were her personal make-up. Dad stayed away always. He'd make up some excuse and he only called me once a week. Things got so depressing that I decided not to go out anymore. Life wasn't worth experiencing if people were just going to pity you. And that's when my mom sought out Marcus. After High school we stayed close, but Marc wanted to be more. I refused millions of times but he stuck around. He's been here so much that I'm starting to think he lives here. Now that he has the key he can come and go as he pleases.
"I hope I got everything you need. I'm planning on making dinner tonight so don't expect me to be out of your hair any time soon." I heard him say, as he put away the food.
"Fine," I muttered, sinking into the couch. After he was done, Marc came to sit beside me. He was closer than I usually allowed, so I slowly inched away, hoping he wouldn't notice. I was still in the white shirt and jeans I wore yesterday. The sleeves were longer than my arms, so instead of looking at Marc I pulled innocently at the ends.
"How are you?" he asked. I could feel him watching me, which made me think of him for a second. How his gaze made my skin crawl. It made feelings that I never knew I had rise from the dead. He had an influence over me. One that I couldn't shake, no matter how hard I tried.
I'm watching you
"Fine," I replied, pulling my legs up under me.
"Don't give me that, Di." he said, firmly.
Heat climbed up my neck, making the tears come easier now. I was angry and scared all at the same time. I wanted him here and then I just wanted Marc to hold me. There was no reason for me to cry but there was nowhere for me to escape. Gently, he turned my head to face him, forcing me to swim in his eyes.
"What did you do?" he asked, softly.
"I went to go see him yesterday," I replied, crashing into Marc's chest.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Present Day

John

These four walls are driving me crazy. I need the ocean and her face. That beautiful, innocent face. She has a smile that could light up my world and a neck pulsing with a life that I felt under my hands. If only she were dead, things would be better. Her beauty would shame the gods, as her corpse was lowered into the ground and I'd be with her. We'd be together forever, like I planned we'd be.
How I long for you to be mine. I love you, Barbra
Yes, she was my sweet Barbra in every way. She had the same yellow hair and the same dimples that appeared whether she was crying or frowning. Diane was my heaven and my hell. Everyday I saw her I was reminded of how I strangled the life out of my beloved. So for that, she must pay. But yet, I couldn't leave her. I couldn't. I'd follow after her in the darkness, but now its too late. I'm confined to these four walls.
Pedro, the young convict in the cell over was looking at me, his brows furrowed. I was a hero here. They looked up to me and worshiped me like the king I was here. I stared back and smiled, making him nod his head. Soon I'd be free to roam the Earth. To find my mortal beloved. My followers were ready to spring me.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would have enjoyed this a lot more if you had put more description in, made more comparisons to help give a better overall image (make it easier to vizualize everything that's happening) and added more thoughts and feelings so as to give the characters whose perspectives your taking the story from more life.

Sorry if I sounded harsh, that's just what I personally thought would make it better.

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