Topic ID: 36797
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
StarDuster
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 61
Reviews: 33
Country: Someone's Imagination
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 2:12 pm Post subject: The music |
 |
|
The music,
A simple vibration
Of string
Like wind
Cutting through earth
And mountains
Rising tall;
A caress around
My ears
And a grip around
My neck.
The voice,
A simple vibration
Of cord
Like honey
Melting on a
Warm sunny day
And sugar
Dissolving in tea.
The dance,
A simple vibration
Of feet
Like thunder
On a stormy day
And leaves
Floating off trees.
The feeling,
A strong vibration
Of heart
Like a bright light
After dark;
Falling into love.
The music
Of the world...
**StarDuster** |
_________________
"With every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains." |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Kaylyn
Southern Girl
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 15 Aug 2008
Posts: 762
Reviews: 166
Country: Forests of Raiyne
420 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 12:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
Amazing! One of my friends also wrote on the sound of music. I liked the flow of your poem. But of course eberyone had different opinions...
Keep up the poetry. I am still trying to write a decent one ...
Anyways good luck and keep writing!! |
_________________
The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece. 
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
|
| Back to top |
|
lordgluzman
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 121
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
435 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I really enjoyed you song.That was the true meaning of music. That could even become a song its self.If you play on an instrument make a melody for this poem. Godd job |
_________________
Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
And take you |
|
| Back to top |
|
chichi
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 62
Reviews: 57
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:15 am Post subject: |
|
|
This is very good. It is simple but not lacking. I'm not sure about this line, though:
| Quote: |
| Cutting through earth |
Most musical sounds cannot do this. Almost all cannot do this. Yeah, yeah, it's poetic license, but this seems a little too... dramatic for any musical sounds. I realise you're focusing on vibrations, but I think this is a little overboard.
I love this especially because I am a musical person myself! It's really great. |
_________________
Smart signatures are all off Google. |
|
| Back to top |
|
StarDuster
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 61
Reviews: 33
Country: Someone's Imagination
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I actually had a different line there... it was "cutting through trees" but then I used trees further down in the poem. I had no idea what to change that line to, so if you have any ideas, I'd appreciate it. I, too, didn't like "cutting through earth" but I had to put something there and that was the first thing that popped into my mind.
Thanks for all the comments! I really appreciate it!  |
_________________
"With every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains." |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kiss of life
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Posts: 42
Reviews: 15
Country: in your shoe!p.s. it stinks in here!
0 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:01 am Post subject: |
|
|
| This is pretty good I like the way that you tried to make us hear the "music". Also it was very interesting. The way that you made it almost alive and the way that you used similies and metaphors and the way you compared and contrasted it was very good. Also it was like almost one whole stansa but short sentences, but not really sentences. Do you see what I am saying? Very good. Keep working! |
_________________
"Darth Vader is my kind of man...he is tall, dark, and handsom"
*room falls silent then everyone turns to look at me*
"What?"
~This happend in art class to me. |
|
| Back to top |
|
StolenHearts.
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 125
Reviews: 25
Country: Oahu
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 7:46 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hello there StarDuster,
I'd like to say well done on this piece, it speaks to me. I love how you describe it, every sense detailed. I love music and found this to be true, it is like a vibration. Making you want to dance and sing, I always get feeling from music i listen to. The poem had a good rhythm and flowed smoothly.
Glad i took my time to read your superb piece, i look forward to seeing other works you come up with.
With all due respect,
Mackenzie |
_________________
Breath.beat, beat.
blink. breath.
beat. blink, blink.
gone. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
