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Silvery Whispers - Part Two
Silvery Whispers - Part Two

by Inksplatter in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on October 4, 2008
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The One I've Been Missing

Topic ID: 36791
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chichi   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:32 am    Post subject: The One I've Been Missing Reply with quote

This is my first story here, I hope you like it! Reviews are most welcome and enjoy!

The music plays just the way I like it – loud. I spin, dance, do moves I learned from old music videos, all in my frumpy pyjamas, pretending to be a famous actress turn singer who models in her spare time and who everyone loves. Hey, if you’re going to have a fantasy, you had better go all-out, right? Starting to sing along with the music, I don’t notice as my brother steps inside my door, quiet as a mouse. I’m too busy dancing and singing until I take one too many steps back and knock both of us onto the polished mahogany floor. I realise who I’m sitting on and jump off him, backing away until I trip over an ottoman and land on the floor myself – again. I get up, my cheeks in competition with lava, smooth out my hair and begin to speak.

“Hey Tom. Look, I’m just about to have a shower, so…?” I motion towards the door. Any excuse to get him to leave.

“No such luck. You go have your shower, I’ll make pancakes,” Tom replies.

“I haven’t got the ingredients,” I tell him.

“Then I’ll make cereal.”

I bite my lip. Tom knows me too well to not know that I always have at least seven boxes of cereal at all times.

“Fine. You can stay. But not for too long.”

“Yeah, yeah. You go have your shower.”

I don’t actually want a shower. I had already had one. I turn the tap in the bathroom on, silently apologizing to the planet, and change into a top and jeans. Just for fun, I slip on a black waistcoat, even though it’s just asking for trouble. Hoping that it had been on enough to make it seem like I’d had a shower, I wet my hair and hands, wipe my hands on my face and then half-wipe it with a towel. Then I slip on my new sandals and walk into the kitchen, where my brother has succeeded in mixing all ten types of cereal I had this morning in one bowl.

“This is pretty good,” he says; his mouth full.

“Tom, you are disgusting.”

“What?”

“You forgot milk.”

I make myself a similar bowl, fill both of our bowls with milk and sit down to eat. I finish in two minutes; Tom finds it more interesting to balance Cheerios on his spoon.

“Come on, Tom. I have to leave in twenty minutes. I’m not leaving you here.”

“Need I remind you that I am the older sibling here?” He replies, struggling to get his tongue out of a B-ring.

“Then act like it. Just eat the stupid cereal.”

“Okay, okay! I’m eating, I’m eating.”

Annoyed at having to babysit my older brother, I trudge into my bedroom and check my email. There is a whole bunch of work I should be doing. Good, nothing important. When I return the cereal bowl is half empty. Tom sees me and shovels the rest into his mouth. He stands up and salutes. I pull a face and wash the bowls. Tom sits on the chair and watches TV, blaring away to the tune of some cartoon theme.

“Turn that thing down!” I say.

“No way!” He calls back, scraping earwax from his right ear. I cringe.

I storm over and turn it down myself.

“Do you know how loud your CD was when I came in?” Tom asks. He flicks his wax onto my newly polished floor.

“Don’t know, don’t care. This is my place, my rules,” I turn my back on him, bending over the sink. Tom responds in his usual elegant manner. A grunt.

After I had finally finished the dishes and shoved Tom out the door, I lean against it and breathe a sigh of relief. Usually Tom isn’t that easy to get rid of. I glance at the clock. Two minutes. I dash to my bedroom, pick a handbag (an oversized silver one), give my hair a quick brush, decide it’s too flat, tease it, shove my house and car keys into my bag and race down to the car park.

On the road, most of the stress is gone. The closer I get to the airport, the more excited I get. Butterflies start up in my stomach. Then they get bigger. Pretty soon I’m wondering if they’re actually butterflies. A couple of minutes before the turnoff to the airport I’m convinced they’re bullfrogs – and big ones at that. I switch the radio on and off, needing company, then hating the song selection. Finally the big blue sign comes into view: “AIRPORT – NEXT LEFT”. Turning smoothly, finding a pay booth, swearing at the price, forking it over and searching for what seems like hours. Finally finding a spot, right in the sun, but not caring. Checking my phone and running into the terminal. There's only a small crowd at the bag pickup, and he's waiting there.

I stop running. Just seeing Luke again melts me. He’s looking around, arms folded, obviously annoyed at waiting so long. He looks straight at me and his arms drop to his sides. I run to him and we embrace. He kisses the top of my head, my forehead, my nose, my lips. It feels so right to be with him again. After eighteen months overseas Luke is back. I am whole again.

“Come on, we have to get home,” he says and lets go. I do the same.

We find the car, get burned inside the baked piece of metal and make our way home. I don’t stop smiling.


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Last edited by chichi on Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:15 am; edited 3 times in total
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chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 9:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey.

This was pretty good. Are you sure this is your first story? Surely you've written others before this? Usually first stories make you want to cringe, but if you really are a beginning writer, then this is pretty good.

I can't say I liked the title very much. I clicked this because I saw that it had no reviews and thought you'd probably appreciate one so quickly after posting, but at first I thought I was just doing you a good deed. Now as I've read the story, I have to say I quite enjoyed it. The moral of that story: change the title, it's boring and doesn't make people want to read this.

I think you should say that Tom is her brother as soon as you introduce him, because I wasn't sure whether he was her brother or boyfriend until you confirmed it.

I liked the dialogue. I have a younger brother and sister myself, so I know how natural this is. You did a really good job with it (I'm guessing you're not an only child?)

I'm quite intrigued by your characters, and I definitely wan to know more.

The only real criticism I have s the lack of emotion. You rush through everything quite quickly, and don't give us a chance to really get to know the characters or what they're feeling. I especially want to know at the end, at the airport.

Quote:
I check my phone and run into the terminal. He’s the only one still there, waiting with his bags.


I get the feeling that you don't go to airports very much. It's been a while for me, but this would never happen. Trust me, there would be a lot of people there.

Good luck, and let me know if you post more of this.

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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
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olivia1987uk   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 9:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey!

I kind of agree wth my fellow instructor and friend on this one Wink

If it's your first story then I can't wait to see what you come outwith when you've written a few more! Honestly, I'm holding my breathe with anticipation so don't keep me waiting too long...

I do have a few suggestons however, so here goes....

Quote:
The music plays just the way I like it – loud. I spin, I dance, I do moves I learned from old music videos, all in my frumpy pyjamas, pretending to be a famous actress turn singer who models in her spare time and who everyone loves. Hey, if you’re going to have a fantasy, you had better go all-out, right? I start to sing along with the music. I don’t notice as Tom steps inside my door, quiet as a mouse. I’m too busy dancing. I dance and sing and dance until I take one too many steps back and knock both of us onto the floor. I realise who I’m sitting on and jump off him, backing away until I trip over an ottoman and land on the floor myself – again. I get up, my cheeks in competition with lava, smooth out my hair and begin to speak.


There are too many sentences here that start with "I"...The bit about spinning and dancing is quite effective, but toher than that, it gets a bit monotonous...I know this is aporblem I suffer with when writing in the first person as well... Smile

The point of the story is the return of Luke, yet the focus seems to be on how annoying Tom is as her older brother...

This is easily rectified mind you...I'm just craving details, emotion and description in the latter half...

If you want any help give me a PM!

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fun4eva   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hii chichi!
Welcome to YWS! hope you like it here..

Now for your piece..
Hmm....Interesting story!
Although you could use bit more descriptions.
for eg.
Quote:
I dance and sing and dance until I take one too many steps back and knock both of us onto the floor.

You could try this instead:
I dance and sing until I take one too many steps back and knock both of us onto the pink, furry rug on my marble floor.

Quote:

“Do you know how loud your CD was when I came in?” Tom asks.

try:
“Do you know how loud your CD was when I came in?” Tom asks, shamelessly picking his nose. I am disgusted at the sight and turn my back at him. (I know its gross but tom sounds like the person who would do such a thing.)


So, you get what I am trying to say?? describe the scene and actions a bit more.

And yeah, I also agree olivia....You start most of your sentences with "I"...So try something else...

Othr than that, I didn't find any other gramatical mistakes..Sorry If I couldn't me of much help...

xxx
Fun4eva!!
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Stella Thomas   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 1:17 pm    Post subject: Re: My Favourite Morning Reply with quote

Hey chichi, and welcome to YWS! I love your avatar. I'm Stella, and I shall be you crtiquer for today Very Happy.

Okay so this is how it works. I'm going to do Nitpicks first, then specifics.

I. NITPICKS

This is where all us YWSers like to obsess over the little details. All of them.

Quote:
pretending to be a famous actress turn singer


famous actress-turned-singer, mayhap?

Quote:
I get up, my cheeks in competition with lava, smooth out my hair and begin to speak.


It's just... if he's her brother surely he sees her doing this, well, all the time?

Quote:
“No such luck. You go have your shower, I’ll make pancakes.” Tom replies.


Since your grammar is generally good I'll just use this one as an example. It should be:

"No such luck. You go have your shower, I'll make pancakes," Tom replies.

But more on that later.

Quote:

After I had finally finished the dishes and shoved Tom out the door, I leaned against it and breathed a sigh of relief.


You've slipped into the past tense. Don't worry, I do this all the time. Just remember to proofread is all.

Quote:
He’s the only one still there, waiting with his bags.


I guess if this is a local airport that would make sense, but from what you said about carparking I'm guessing it's a big place, so there will have to be some people around.

Okay.

II. OH, THAT PUNCTUATION WILL DRIVE US MAD SOMEDAY.

It really will.

Let's look at a few examples.

"Sir. I would rather be strung off the battlements by my ankles in my petticoat than attend another dress fitting." She said defiantly.

That isn't right. But:

"Sir. I would rather be strung off the battlements by my ankles in my petticoat than attend another dress fitting," she said defiantly.

That is right.

A speech tag (he said, she said, Tom said, he shouted, she whispered etc.) follows speech very often. When it does, it's like your sentece doesn't really finish. I can't say "fitting." because my sentence isn't finished, there's still a speech tag. Think of the speech tag as simply a continuation of the sentence outside of inverted commas than a different entity. Does that make sense or not? So you can't put a full stop in, it's always a comma. However, exclamation marks, question marks and ellipses are perfectly acceptable, but a speech tag never begins with a capital letter (Unless it's a name).

Understand me or confused?

III. CHARACTERS

They seemed well-developed enough, but is it just me or does she not have a name? I know I don't like naming characters but it must be done! She seemed alright. Tom and Luke however, could use a bit more depth. Not a whole lot, just a bit.

IV. PLOT

Um... it was quite unconnected. Put more in about her going to meet Luke. Why bother with Tom at all, he doesn't seem to have much to do with the story.

Is this a beginning? If so, fine. But if not... it's just, there wasn't very much to it. If it's the beginning of a story then I suppose it's fine, you could just connect the two parts a bit more. But if it's a short story, you need to stick with one theme or one main event.

V. OVERALL

It was good. For a novice, you're good, I actually read the whole thing!

Hope I've helped, and feel free to PM me should you want to ask me anything at all about anything!

-Stella.

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