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Autumn Trees (my first sonnet)
Autumn Trees (my first sonnet)

by teenweirdo in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 3, 2008
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ProjeKt Oath prologue
ProjeKt Oath chap 1

ProjeKt Oath Chap 2 (unfinished)

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grimy89098   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 1:29 am    Post subject: ProjeKt Oath Chap 2 (unfinished) Reply with quote

its unfinished but i figured i might post what ive already got, hope you like it.

ill post what i write when i can

ProjeKt Oath chap 2

Sulos reflected on the last couple of weeks and his current choices to make as he watched the cart he had hitched a ride on slowly roll away from the crossroad under the starry skies. He could easily catch up with the cart and continue to the capitol Silverhaven or he could continue walking towards Valburn, a noble homestead according to the owner of the cart, he suggested getting a job there. The boy later calculated how long he had to go towards the capitol compared to Valburn, and if he continued on the cart he would be waiting for five days compared to a few hours walking, tempting considering the bleeding state of his feet, but he decided to take the man’s advice, so pain would have to be endured.

And so Sulos started limping down the dark dirt track leading from the road in his green tattered pyjamas.

***

He reached Valburn at daybreak after walking one point two four three leagues according to his quick calculation, he was proud of himself because he had not forgotten to include the factor of his limping foot.

Sulos wasn’t a normal boy, so said whoever had the surprise of seeing his unique gift, not very fair if you asked him. It wasn’t his fault he was extremely talented with numbers, not his fault if he saw the world differently. But whenever he tried to elaborate how his numbers helped him in life, he was shunned as a lackwit.

Maybe that’s why his mother died giving birth to him, maybe that’s why he was never adopted from the torture of his life? For the hundredth and twenty-first time he asks these questions to the only person who would listen to the ramblings of an accused lackwit orphan, for the uncounted time his numbers fail him.

‘Need more factors,’ he mumbles to himself as a tear flows down his dirt-stained cheek, ‘some other day.’

Feeling subdued for the uncountable time he limps toward Valenwood.

---

‘But… but I need a job, please.’

‘Sorry kid, but if you want a job you’ll have to petition the count for one,’ announced the young scholar in what Sulos’s numbers hinted was an overly-confident voice. That was confirmed when the scholar bent down and whispered into his ear; ‘follow me.’

And so he did as the young scholar walked swiftly into the darkening sunlight. The wind tugged at his pale green pyjamas and made him shiver, a quick reflex calculation told him the wind wasn’t bad enough to make him sick, with anything he didn’t already have, anyway. Though he still felt uneasy, something pulled on him, like a nagging number in the back of his mind; something that demanded his attention, some stray factor. But he hadn’t the time or concentration to deal with it at the moment, he was busy following the scholar through the slowly increasing crowd, as well as committing the streets to memory, numbers helped him with this too.

They passed through an abundance of streets, his mind automatically counting in the far back of his mind; it was up to nineteen streets, three hundred and seventy-three paces, and seven hundred and fifty-eight people; He liked counting.

He now saw why the man with the cart named the place noble. It was huge, he hadn’t enough data to calculate the exact area, but the simple number of merchants in this district alone screamed wealthy, he imagined the people here seldom went hungry.

He was lead through twenty-two streets and three districts before the page stepped into a tall building that looked distinctively like an orphanage. Sulos hung back until he realized that the page couldn’t have known that certain piece of his history.

So he stepped across the threshold breathing in the musty air and observing his new surroundings, the place was flooded with the rays of the morning sun. The rug under his bare feet was intertwined with light and darker colors that complimented each other in ways he marvelled at.

‘Stay here for a moment.’ He heard the scholar mumble as the sound of footsteps started up the nearby staircase.

He was left in silence pondering on how far he had come, and once again considering his choices. He was beginning to wonder where the scholar had gone when he sound of footsteps could be heard again, and slowly he become visible leading an older scholar with similar but slightly grander attire; gold stripes could be seen on the robe coming down from her shoulders, this and the way she carried herself indicated superiority.

‘And who might this be?’ she asked as she reached the bottom of the stairs.

‘M-my name is Sulos, my lady.’ stammered Sulos.

‘My lady? Ha! You need not call me by that title, my name will suffice. Call me Marlissa; I’m head scholar in the count’s retinue.’ She explained as she came closer to Sulos.

Sulos stood there for a few seconds before his numbers connected and he realised she was expecting an answer.

‘O-ok, my la- uh, Marlissa,’ Spilled out Sulos nervously.

Marlissa smiled and asked; ‘Where are you from?’

‘Murndas.’ Confessed Sulos.

‘Murndas? I’ve heard of it, there was a bit of an incident there, if I remember correctly, though probably too long ago for you to know of it.’

‘Truly, I wouldn’t know of it even if it had happened after I was born.’

Both scholars frowned at this, and the younger scholar who had led him here went so far as to ask, ‘Why would you not know?’

‘Not much news ever reached me where I was.’ Murmured Sulos.

‘And why not?’ demanded Marlissa.

‘I’d rather not say.’

There frowns increased but they didn’t press the point. Sulos stood there figeting for a long time under the stare of the scholars, finally Marlissa sighed and sat on a bench in the middle of the room, and gestured for him to do the same on the bench opposite.

‘Now, BenJee here tells me you want a job, is this correct?’ asked the older scholar once Sulos had sat.

‘Yes, ma’am,’ answered Sulos. ‘I’m good with numbers.’

‘Are you now?’ she quiried with a quirk of the lips.

He was used to being doubted, but he had hoped the scholar wouldn’t have.

‘Yes, they help me sometimes too.’


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 5:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Sulos reflected on the last couple of weeks and his current choices to make as he watched the cart he had hitched a ride on slowly roll away from the crossroad under the starry skies. He could easily catch up with the cart and continue to the capitol Silverhaven or he could continue walking towards Valburn, a noble homestead according to the owner of the cart, he suggested getting a job there. The boy later calculated how long he had to go towards the capitol compared to Valburn, and if he continued on the cart he would be waiting for five days compared to a few hours walking. Tempting considering the bleeding state of his feet, but he decided to take the man’s advice, so pain would have to be endured.


Okay so the first sentence didn’t flow that well for me. The bold part doesn’t flow that smoothly and I wasn’t sure what you were trying to say exactly, so maybe change it to something like, “and the current choices he had to make” or “and the current choices he had made”. The first is present tense and the second one is past tense, I just am not sure if he is deciding something now, or reflecting on a past choice.

Quote:
Sentence 1)Sulos reflected on the last couple of weeks and the current choices he had to make.(Sentence 2) Turning, he watched the cart he had hitched a ride on slowly roll away from the crossroad under the starry skies.(Sentence 3 He could easily catch up with the cart and continue to the capitol Silverhaven or he could continue walking towards Valburn, a noble homestead according to the owner of the cart.(the catch a job part didn’t really fit into this, maybe put it somewhere else).(Sentence 4) He had calculated how long he had to go until he reached the capitol compared to Valburn, and if he continued on the cart he would be waiting for five more days compared to a few hours of walking.(Sentence 5) It was tempting considering the bleeding state of his feet, but he decided to take the man’s advice, so the pain would have to be endured.


Okay so I edited the paragraph, it’s a bit confusing so let me explain. Commas are fun but periods are also your friends! I’m not trying to be rude, but this whole paragraph is composed of only three sentences, so I edited it and broke it down to five so it flows a bit more smoothly. Also all the bold words I added in to make it flow a bit better. I tried to keep your stuff and just add a few little things, all of the above is of course my opinion, but I would at least look over it!

Quote:
(Sentence 1)He reached Valburn at daybreak after walking one point two four three leagues according to his quick calculation.(Sentence 2) He was proud of himself because he had not forgotten to include the factor of his limping foot.


Once again you could easily make the above two sentences like I did. It helps the whole thing flow a lot better and makes it easier to read.

Quote:
Sulos wasn’t a normal boy, so said whoever had the surprise of seeing his unique gift, not very fair if you asked him. It wasn’t his fault he was extremely talented with numbers, not his fault if he saw the world differently. But whenever he tried to elaborate how his numbers helped him in life, he was shunned as a lackwit.


The first sentence was hard to understand and I wasn’t sure if his “gift” was actually a tangible thing. So I would try to reword the first sentence, maybe “Sulos wasn’t a normal boy, at least that was what people said when they heard of his unique gift, which wasn’t very fair if you asked him.” Just an idea, but think about it and if you do change it make it your own, I am just offering suggestions.

Also there is no word such as lackwit, there is such a thing as lack of wit, maybe that was what you were trying to say, not sure though.

Quote:
Maybe that’s why his mother died giving birth to him, maybe that’s why he was never adopted from the torture of his life? It was the hundredth and twenty-first time he had asked these questions to the only person who would listen to the rambling of an accused lackwit orphan, and for the uncounted time his numbers failed him.


Okay so “torture” makes no sense in this sentence. I understand what you are trying to say but it is the wrong word choice. And since you said “adopted from...” their implies he was at a place, maybe an orphanage or whatever. So maybe you should say that was why he have never been adopted from the orphanage or something to that sort. All the other bold were things I suggest adding to make it flow smoother, also there is no such word as “ramblings” so I made it rambling, and as I mentioned before lackwit is not a word either.

Quote:
‘Need more factors,’ he mumbled to himself as a tear fell down his dirt-stained cheek, ‘some other day.’


Okay so I peeked down further and usually you have him talk in third person, with the above you did something different. So to make this whole piece flow you would probably want it as the above. Once again these are all suggestions, and the first part is all I have time to correct, so using some of the suggestions and things I have shown I would suggest going through the rest of the story and making corrections as needed. Use more periods, use spell check, and read things aloud to see how they flow, and if something feels odd then try writing it a couple different ways to see which one you like the best. Good job, and keep writing.
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 2:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks for the review, you've pointed out alot of what i know needs fixing already, but alot of it is new to me

im pretty sure lackwit is more of a term than it is a word, but its definetly one of them

thanks again for the review, when i go over this part and start editing, ill certainly take this into account

thanks Very Happy

-grimy

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