Topic ID: 36781
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Kaylyn
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 Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 9:34 pm Post subject: Choices |
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It would be nice for once
To have a good friend- and they
Could stay that way
Either way I lose
Losing a friend to refuse
Or accepting and whose
Friendship will never be the same
To say yes would
Be an unknown
To tell the truth
I'd rather be your friend
Could we please
Start this relationship
Over again? |
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Last edited by Kaylyn on Sat Oct 04, 2008 1:02 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
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| Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: Re: Choices |
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| Kaylyn wrote: |
I wish that I could
Have a friend that
Wouldn't ask me out.
It would be nice for once
To have a good friend and they
Could stay that way
Either way I lose
Losing a friend to refuse
Or accepting and whose
Friendship will never be the same
To say yes would
Be an unknown
To tell the truth
I'd rather be your friend
Could we please
Start this relationship
Over again? |
This is in desperate need of punctuation! The flow is ruined without it. I suggest reading this aloud to yourself and marking wherever you make pauses, then later on filling in the punctuation correctly and effectively.
Also, that first stanza isn't great. I think the poem would work better without it, actually. The second stanza is a better intro. And the second stanza happens to be the best one in my opinion.
Nice topic, I like it. But you need add some spice to make it a whole lot better. Something that makes me see this situation in whole different light, cause this has been out there already.
Will I be seeing more of you?
~LIF |
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adriangarcia
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:33 am Post subject: |
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Hmmmm ... I don't know how I feel about this. Which is either a good or bad thing.
Before I read it, I thought I'd hate it.
While reading it, I thought I might like it.
After reading it, I thought nothing.
So, I would say edit more. Make me want to read it. Make me keep reading it. And, make me understand it! |
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chichi
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:28 am Post subject: |
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I'm glad that, instead of going into a giant sonnet of self-pity about losing your friend, you kept the balance between the MC and their friend near mutual. You saved my eyes and brain from whining and whinging which are never welcome in poetry, unless it's for a good reason.
| Quote: |
To say yes would
Be an unknown |
Not too sure what you're trying to say here. I don't have any suggestions, because I very barely get it. Maybe you could express it differently, like saying that you don't know if you want to say yes (if that is what you mean)? You really lost me here.
Other than than, nice work! |
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Kiss of life
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:07 am Post subject: |
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Okay....ummm it had a nice flow to it I guess. You do need to edit it more though. Also the fact that it was basically something that happens a lot made it realistic and therefore made it good. I have to say that you seriously need to work on it more. Also it is in some serious need of punctuation like the first person to comment on this peice said. Well just keep working on it.  |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 5:16 am Post subject: |
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*Sniff*
I LOVED IT.....
It has emotion. And it is not booring. I liked it truly.
The start though was a bit confusing.
Try working on it a little.
LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE  |
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Teddybear22
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 5:12 pm Post subject: |
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this one was really good. it says so much with so few words. anyway i really like this one b/c i could relate to it.  this has happened to me so many times. but anyway  , it really does need punctuation, and once agian keep on writing!  |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 9:14 pm Post subject: |
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| lol, yes I know teddybear22. It happens all the time. Thanks everyone for the reviews. It helps! See you monday teddybear22. Can I use your name? |
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Stop saying you're perfect...
It's extremely annoying to those who are.
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
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