Topic ID: 36768
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CoolCatElly
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 Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:05 am Post subject: Sixty Miles |
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Sixty miles
Sixty miles down the road
They tell me that I’m almost there now
I laugh to hide the inner shudder
As their words bring back the old memory
Again
She stares, slowly, softly
Begging in a tongue not of this world
Pleading. Take me with you she says
I look away, again, as I did then
Pretending that her golden tresses
Are temptation not treasure
I shake my head
In less than another sixty miles
I shall know peace at last |
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CoolCatElly
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| Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:43 am Post subject: |
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Hey there everyone, just in case you didn't understand this:
The poem's about an old man who is, you guessed it, 60 years old. He just thinks back
to this girl he knew in his youth who wanted him to run away with her. He denied her and now every day is torture in a way, and he feels tha only when he died will he know peace.
thanks for reading and PLEASE review |
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thevoiceinside
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 1:24 am Post subject: |
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Hey CoolCatElly!
First of all, I really liked reading this. At first I didn't understand it. I then understood when I read your description. But, poetry needs to speak on its own. Obviously, you felt that people wouldn't understand it because you wrote a description for it after you posted it. A piece of music, a novel, a poem, no matter what it is, it needs to speak on its own. You shouldn't have to explain and give a description so people will understand it. If you put more explanation to the story in the poem, then it would be really great!  The way it is now, it does have nice flow. And remember, not all poems have to rhyme
Good Luck and Nice Job!!
-thevoiceinside |
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chichi
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 4:26 am Post subject: |
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A great start! I don't believe this was your first poem. There are only a couple of things I can say.
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| Pleading. Take me with you she says |
That needs a comma after "you" and "says". If it had the comma after "you", it would seem more like speech and less like a sudden switch to first person and back again.
As with all writing, if you have to include an explanation (as you did) the writing is not stable enough. You need to convey the meaning a bit more. I didn't get the "wanted him to run away with her" thing until I read the description. It sounded more like a daughter he was abandoning or something.
I think right now it's very light, airy and delicate, which is good for some poems, but not for this one. You are attempting to show very deep, strong and raw emotions, so that's what it should be made up of: deep, strong, raw words. The whole poem is sounding like a faded memory. I know, part of it is a memory, but it is not strong enough. You need stronger words, more feeling.
The idea behind it is fantastic. But your execution needs work. |
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StolenHearts.
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 6:22 am Post subject: |
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Good day CoolCatElly,
I must agree with everyone else poetry is a must for being able to describe itself. When i first read it i was really lost and didn't really understand it. You do not want your readers to end up having to read an explanation, then they'll probably think they wasted their time.
All I'm saying is you could have elaborated on it, put in as much details in as little words as possible. It makes it more thriving and pulls them in, I liked it and as chichi said I really can't believe this was your first poem. But, you should have used powerful words not simple ones. I mean simple ones are great for some poetry but, things like this need to be amazing words that pop at the reader.
Well I'm sorry if i seem a bit harsh but I truly like the whole idea behind it.
With all respect,
Mackenzie |
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