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why i supported, and still do, Barack Obama
why i supported, and still do, Barack Obama

by lukas8u in Other
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Non-Fiction

This thread was created on October 2, 2008
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Like a circus

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playerj09   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 11:49 pm    Post subject: Like a circus Reply with quote

It was mid September, too hot for jackets and too cold for t-shirts. My dad and I were going to the local super-mart to pick up fishing supplies for the weekend camping trip. He was talking about something I half listened to so I could give him a half intelligent answer to any questions he might ask. I mostly stared out the window the whole ride. I really hated the place we were heading for. It was like a circus that never left town and switched performers every couple hours.

Upon our arrival to the Big Top I saw the first group of performers (low lives) standing at the corner of the building smoking and drinking from brown bags. What was so fascinating about being drunk at 11:00 in the morning I guess I'll never know. As we walked past the lot of them toothless smiles were flashed our way. I gave them a hateful look and I'm sure that my dad did the same. He has less tolerance for people than even I do.

As the automated doors opened I gazed upon two pairs of children no older than six climbing on one of the small cheap rides that are all over these kinds of places. We walked through the lobby and turned left down towards the outdoors section. If this place is a circus then we were in the rings now. A lady of about forty walked past and I almost choked on the perfume she had bathed in. The selection of the new fishing gear went by smoothly and we headed towards the front to pay and get out of there. A fat man with a pink and black button up shirt and what can only be described as a fedora hat was walking and laughing with two other feminine looking men. At this I had to laugh the outfit was just too weird. I laughed loud enough so they could hear me and continued walking.

My dad detoured to buy chicken from the deli area. In line ahead of us was a short lady around fifty, clothed in a black shirt and pants with bleached out frizzy hair. She kept pointing at the meat she wanted but the deli worker couldn't understand what was going on. "Hard salami". The lady repeated. The worker finally grabbed what the lady wanted and slowly started slicing. Another more able worker came and my dad got whatever it was that he wanted. We walked to the cashiers desk to pay and leave. Of course they had an old lady with a trainee badge on working this one and every other one was too filled so we reluctantly walked up and put down our items. She would have been better off sewing somewhere instead of elongating our day. After about ten tries to scan the same item another worker came and showed her how to work the scanner. Finally we were off to our car. The drunks were still there but I paid no attention to them. We were driving home and my dad was talking to me about something I was half listening to......

This is a revised edition of an old story with a new title. Please review me and enjoy


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Last edited by playerj09 on Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:32 pm; edited 5 times in total
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seeminglymeaningless   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 2:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Playerj09

Sorry for the harsh review before - I guess I was a tad angry at seeing such unedited mess littered in the forum I was exploring.

Thank you for fixing this up and making it easier to read for the casual viewer.

I found a few more things that you missed:

"What was so fascinating about being drunk at 11:00 in the morning I guess ill never know." ----- I think you mean "I'll"

"The selection of the new fishing gear went by smoothly and we headed towards the front to pay and get out of their." ------------- "there"

"My dad detoured to buy chicken from the deli area. In line ahead of us was a short lady around fifty with a black shirt and pants on and bleached out frizzy hair." ------------ "and pants on" lol, sorry, but I'm sure you mean, "around fifty, clothed in a black shit and pants, with bleached fizzy hair."

"The lady was as my dog Rex would say a "loony bird"." ----------- confused. Your dog can speak?

"She would have been better off sowing somewhere instead of elongating our day." ------------- Ouch - that's a bit harsh to farmers *hides giggle*

---------------------------------------

I hope that helped a little. And sorry again for the harsh review.

Cheers, Jai

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playerj09   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I updated the story and fixed a few errors I found. Please tell me what you think!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, but I don't get what this story is about. At the beginning it sounds like there will be an actual camping trip in the story, but apparently it's just their trip to a store told by an extremely cynical persona. Anywho, on with the show.

Quote:
It was mid September too hot for jackets and too cold for t-shirts.


You need a comma or a dash between September and too. There has to be a pause. Heck, you could even put in a full stop!

Quote:
At this I had to laugh the outfit was just too weird.


Same thing. It sounds like two phrases just pushed together whether they like it or not. You need a dash, comma or even full stop between laugh and the.

Quote:
My dad detoured to buy chicken from the deli area.


A detour is a noun, not a verb. You can make a detour, but you cannot detour.

Quote:
But those were too many words for the dimwitted worker to comprehend.


I'm pretty sure no one is that dumb, it's unbelievable to me.

Quote:
The lady was as my dog Rex would say a "loony bird".


I have never seen a real dog that could talk. If you wanted to add a talking dog, you have to actually introduce it as a character first. If not, then what are you talking about?

Quote:
She would have been better off sowing somewhere instead of elongating our day.


First of all, it's sewing. Sowing is with seeds. Unless you mean she owned a farm? And second, I know this guy is cynical, but that's just plain mean.

Quote:
We were driving home and my dad was talking to me about something I was half listening to......


But ya gotta love the ending. It's not often you get to repeat like this and make it work. I see that you've rewritten it, but right now it's sounding like a sulky teenager recounting his day.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 7:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the review chichi I went through and changed a few things to protect the

innocent. The ending with the beginning thing was a spur of the moment thing that I

hadn't written on the original paper version and I'm glad you liked it. I don't know what I

was even thinking with the my dog Rex thing, people would think I'm crazy if they found

out about us.

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