Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Enigmus Ch. #1
Enigmus Ch. #1

by Enigmatic_Penguin in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on October 2, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Midnight Blue; Preface
Midnight Blue; Two
Midnight Blue; Three
Midnight Blue; Four
Midnight Blue; Five

Midnight Blue; One Goto page 1, 2  Next

Topic ID: 36738
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum

693
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points

PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:17 pm    Post subject: Midnight Blue; One Reply with quote

All right, this part is way longer than the preface so hopefully more entertaining. Let me know whenever you feel like it is moving too fast or the characters are unrealistic.

Happy Reading! Very Happy

______________________

Part One

Veronica

I moved quickly through the halls, my eyes targeted on something some twenty paces in front of me. Before my hand could even outstretch to touch the dial, someone intercepted me. “Veronica!” Grinding my teeth, I forced a smile, turning to face Monica. “Hey, girl!” she shouted enthusiastically in that go-team-cheerleader voice she seemed to expel from her mouth every chance she got. She was dressed in our yellow and white uniforms with the words Randal Yellow Jackets printed in a neat font across the front.

“Hey, Monica,” I intoned; she frowned immediately in concern. Spinning away from her, I hoped to hide my expression but it seemed nothing escaped Monica’s intuitive nature.

“What’s up, Nia, girl?” Her dark brown locks swung coyly on the top of her head, trapped within the hair binder.

“Nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.” Shoving my books into the locker with a bit of exaggerated force, I slammed the locker behind me.

Monica narrowed her eyes at me. “If this is about Mike—“

“No, please, don’t even mention his name,” I growled, his name stinging my eardrums like an outspoken curse.

Monica groaned in annoyance. “Seriously, next time I see that boy, I’m punching his lights out.” I had to laugh at this piece of information. Monica was barely five-feet-tall with scrawny arms and a none-existent waist. She didn’t stand a chance against six-foot-four basketball captain Mike Putnam. “He is such a jerk,” Monica voiced loudly, gathering the attention of a few freshmen.

“It’s all right, Moe, I handled it.”

“I’m sorry, Nia, but knowing you, taking care of it means you just completely ignored him.”

“What else was I suppose to do?” I asked, a hint of desperation entering my voice. I needed help, I needed answers, and Moe was the only one that I could think of who would help.

“Are you asking me for relationship advice?” Her eyebrow raised in a sly expression, making me smile.

“If you want to call it that, than yes.”

“Well, hon, first, you have to kick that boy to the curb. You’re too good for him.”

“This wasn’t the advice I wanted, Moe,” I mumbled under my breath, rolling my eyes.

“You mean, you still want to keep dating that idiot?”

“Yeah,” I mumbled, hurrying down the stairs in hopes to ditch Monica in all the crowds.

No such luck.

“Nia, please don’t stay with him. All he does is put you down all the time. What did he say today?”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it,” I said firmly, making a crease form between my friend’s eyes.

“What did he say?” she repeated, eyes like daggers. Though Monica was small in stature, she had a supernatural ability that allowed her to get anything out of anybody.

I caved pretty easily. “That I was looking a little chubby and that I should go on a diet.” As I spoke, I look self-consciously down at my waist, tugging on the waistband of my jeans.

Monica looked furious. “Where is this ass, Mike Putnam? Where is that little fu—“

“No! Please, Monica, keep this between the two of us. I’ll talk to Mike, I promise.”

Monica sighed. “All right. I gotta get to class. You stay out of trouble,” she teased, lightening the mood before sauntering off, skirt of her cheerleader uniform swaying around her sticks for legs.

Watching her leave, I spun back and headed up the stairs towards my fourth hour: Chemistry.

As I was walking in, I caught the eye of my Chem partner. He was seated at the edge of his seat, wiggling his foot anxiously. His eyes pierced me like those of a laser’s and, as normal, I quickly adverted my own. Something about those eyes made me think that he could read my thoughts, see all my secrets and desires. It made me slightly uncomfortable…

“Hey, Veronica!” he chimed like an eager five-year-old before a bowl of chocolate fudge ice cream.

“Hey, Will.”

William

Gosh, she was gorgeous. Entering the Chem class with her hair done in a low bun, loose tendrils curling around her defined face, she made my whole mind go completely blank for a moment. Her soft-golden orbs were lined in insanely long lashes coated in a thin layer of mascara, batting coyly at me, making my stomach flop uneasily inside of me.

But she looked sad. Too sad for someone so perfect to look. Her lids were drooping, her mouth weak when she smiled, her shoulders hunched. I could just guess who was behind it and it made me clench my hands into fists.

“Hey, Veronica!” But I put on a happy face for her, hoping that it will cheer her up.

“Hey, Will.” Her voice was nothing short of pathetic, sounding weak, even to me.

I sighed and looked at her closely. “What’s up?”

Her eyes shot to mine for only a second before looking back to her desk. Shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly, she answered, “Nothing. Why?”

“I don’t know… You just seem sad.”

“Sad? No! Of course not!” She played it off with a laugh that sounded sickly to my ears. Deciding not to act on it, I changed the subject, moving on to class work. We were doing a lab on atoms and the different light spectrums each particle could create. We were at the hydrogen lamp and as the lights were shut off, she glided past me as if carried by an invisible wind.

Her scent was mingled with her perfume, making my heart patter weakly inside of me. “You want to measure?” she asks me, shaking me out of my fantasies.

“Umm, yeah, sure,” I mumbled, thankful that the lights were shut off as to hide the furious blush snaking up my neck. I caught myself glancing at her legs as she bent down to look at the light. They were hidden behind a pair of tight-fitted jeans that molded to her shape, showing off her toned thighs from hours of volleyball practice. “Hey, earth to Will!” she shouted over, smiling for real this time. “You wanna give me the measure?”

“Yeah, sorry,” I mumbled, running a hand through my unruly hair, feeling the blush deepen, spreading to my cheeks. Thank god that she couldn’t see. “Umm…45 centimeters.”

“Got it,” she reported scribbling down the data. I caught myself staring at her legs again and forced some sense into me. She has a boyfriend. She doesn’t think anything of me. I’m just a science geek!

Or, that’s what she thinks…


_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
KJ   View This User's Portfolio
She moves in mysterious ways...
Speaker of the Forum

466
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 644
Reviews: 466
Country: USA
170 Points

PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 5:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mental note, KJ - get back to this. Ash, PM me if I forget?

_________________
I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html

An author in his book must be like God in the universe, present everywhere and visible nowhere ~Gustave Flaubert
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
lucyy   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

76
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Jul 2008
Posts: 216
Reviews: 76
Country: UK
746 Points

PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I managed to read this today - my homework is now not playing havoc on my conscience, so I can read this, yayy *dances* Anyway,..

I enjoyed this and William's character intrigues me hugely - I immediately want to know more about him, especially with that ending sentence. Why do you always have to leave me in suspense?? *sighs* Very Happy
I really love how you've split the story into two character's perspectives - I've read a book like that before (Noughts & Crosses - awesome book) and I just love the layout and skill behind it, which you have definitely mastered!!
I couldn't see anything which you needed to improve on (you put my nit-picky reviews to shame d: ) as you're just such a damn good writer ashley (:
I can't wait for more of this (or Poisoned Roses - hint, hint Wink ) so please PM me when you post more,
Lucyy xx

_________________
Want an Awesomely Happy Lucyy Review? Click here for your AHLR =P
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
tnme22   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

80
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Posts: 303
Reviews: 80
Country: USA
1057 Points

PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 7:12 pm    Post subject: Re: Midnight Blue; One Reply with quote

ashleylee wrote:

I moved quickly through the halls, my eyes targeted on something some twenty paces in front of me. Before my hand could even outstretch to touch the dial, someone intercepted me. “Veronica!” Grinding my teeth, I forced a smile, turning to face Monica. “Hey, girl!” she shouted enthusiastically in that go-team-cheerleader voice she seemed to expel from her mouth every chance she got. She was dressed in our yellow and white uniforms with the words Randal Yellow Jackets printed in a neat font across the front.

Nice first paragraph! You introduce Monica well and I like the MC's voice. Very Happy

ashleylee wrote:
“What’s up, Nia, girl?” Her dark brown locks swung coyly on the top of her head, trapped within the hair binder.

What's a hair binder?

ashleylee wrote:
Monica groaned in annoyance. “Seriously, next time I see that boy, I’m punching his lights out.” I had to laugh at this piece of information. Monica was barely five-feet-tall with scrawny arms and a none-existent waist. She didn’t stand a chance against six-foot-four basketball captain Mike Putnam. “He is such a jerk,” Monica voiced loudly, gathering the attention of a few freshmen.

I feel really connected with Monica already. She is a very strong character and easy to associate with.

I really liked this first part. You write very well. I see no real major spelling or grammar errors and the tone and style of it is great. Very Happy


ashleylee wrote:
Gosh, she was gorgeous. Entering the Chem class with her hair done in a low bun, loose tendrils curling around her defined face, she made my whole mind go completely blank for a moment. Her soft-golden orbs ((say eyes...no guy would refer to a girl's eyes as orbs Smile))were lined in insanely long lashes coated in a thin layer of mascara, batting coyly at me, making my stomach flop uneasily inside of me.



I really like this a lot. Smile
The characters are great and it is wonderfully written. I love your word choice and use of detail!
Please let me know if you update this! Very Happy

-Carly

_________________
Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting. From the grave You've risen. Victoriously! Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross You are the truth, You are the light, You are the way.
~Proud Christian~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum

693
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points

PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

KJ

I might just have to PM you Wink lol

lucyy:

Thanks, luc! Very Happy

You always give the nicest reviews!

tnme22:

I'm glad you liked this! Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. And the thing about the orbs, very true. I sometimes get so caught up in telling the story that I forget it's a guy...which is kind of bad Embarassed

But yeah, thanks for reading this and I will PM you when I post more Very Happy

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
endless_secrets   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

20
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 03 Jun 2008
Posts: 39
Reviews: 20
Country: Canada
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 10:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great first chapter, i just wish it was longer. You have great use of characterization, and your characters most definately seem real. Great job with the male perspective, i could never go there. It is moving at a good pace. i enjoy how he adors her and she thinks nothing of him, but that he's a little off.

Please tell me he's not human! Surprised

Anyways great start once again, i hope you continue with this.

PM me please!

I'll let you know if I spot anything off in the future, but so far so good!

_________________
Always and forever an endless secret...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum

693
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points

PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 12:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

endless_secrets:

Yeah, he isn't human Wink But I won't tell you exactly what he is. You'll find out later...

But yeah, I really am struggling with the male perspective so if anybody, including you, spots anything that sounds too girly, please just let me know! Very Happy

And thanks, endless, for reading this!

I'm glad you liked it!

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Angel of Death   View This User's Portfolio
I love you. I swear I do.
Speaker of the Forum

409
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 872
Reviews: 409
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1533 Points

PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ash,

I read this yesterday on my phone because I wasn't home. This was great and William did kinda seem not human but now that you've confirmed that he wasn't, I'm going to be wondering what he is until you decide to tell us. I like the way this is written. Its in two different perspectives, and I like stories like that because it gives the reader the chance to know every character personally he he. I think its sweet that William cares for Veronica. And Mike or whatever her boyfriends name was is a jerk. I just don't like him and I do hope that Will tears him to shreds!

Can't wait for more. Great as always,
~Angel

_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum

693
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points

PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 3:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Angel of Death:

Thanks! Very Happy

Two chapters from now, you should officially figure out what Will is Wink But I won't give it away until then.

Well, thanks again for taking the time to read this!

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Night Mistress   View This User's Portfolio
a lover of vampires
Speaker of the Forum

197
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 860
Reviews: 197
Country: USA
1963 Points

PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OH,

i like this. it's a cute pairing. a geek with a popular. is that what you are going for?

I like Will and veronica's character. you alll most feel like being them.


Veronica's boyfriend needs to take a hike somewhere esle.

off to check out the part two.

_________________
"you are a Friend. nothing more, nothing less,"

Elizabeth Gray of Poison Love.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
jasmine12   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

109
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Aug 2008
Posts: 217
Reviews: 109
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:03 pm    Post subject: Re: Midnight Blue; One Reply with quote

Quote:
I needed help, I needed answers, and Moe was the only one that I could think of who would help.

You kinda switched things around here. First she was all "Damn, here comes Moe" and now shes asking for advice? Either you want her to be two faced-esce or what? I got confused.
~~~~~~~
Quote:
“That I was looking a little chubby and that I should go on a diet.”

*rolls eyes* typical jerk-face thing to do.
~~~~~~~
Quote:
It made me slightly uncomfortable…

I dont really see a need for the elipse.
~~~~~~~
Quote:
he chimed like an eager five-year-old before a bowl of chocolate fudge ice cream.

HAhahaha! this is funny!
~~~~~~~
Quote:
William

*melts again*
~~~~~~~
Quote:
Too sad for someone so perfect to look.

This sentence is kind of awkward when read out loud. maybe you could reword it.
~~~~~~~
Quote:
I caught myself glancing at her legs as she bent down to look at the light. They were hidden behind a pair of tight-fitted jeans that molded to her shape, showing off her toned thighs from hours of volleyball practice

I thought this was kind of weird. Of all things to look at, why her legs? Is it just because they are toned? I dont see how that could be....whats the word im looking for...erotic? Thats a weird thing to like if ya ask me. But feel free to ignore that.
~~~~~~~


I like William. He seems sweet yet over protective of Veroncia.
Maybe you might want to throw in why Veronica stays with her boyfriend even if he says abusive things to her like "Your chubby" Like, why doesnt she just end it?

Hope i Could be some help.
On i read.

_________________
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum

693
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Night Mistress:

Kind of but not really. You'll see what I mean in further installments Wink

Thanks for reading!

jasmine12:

Yeah, you are being a lot of help, jazz! Very Happy

Thanks so much!

I'll keep all that you said in mind Wink

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
AllyyyAlwayyys   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

5
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 05 Oct 2008
Posts: 23
Reviews: 5

300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh!
my gosh
this story is awesome
I love the charactors
they seem so well thought out
and as for Will
I have 5000000 ideas what i think he is
some of my ideas are kind of out there too
haha
but I'm off to read the next part
XD

_________________
"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting. Could it be that we have been this way before"
-Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
FreakyDoo12   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

11

Age: 16
Joined: 03 Oct 2008
Posts: 60
Reviews: 11
Country: Darkness
323 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 12:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, another brilliant story once again!!
Good job on describing your characters, I spotted something you said about a preface. Where is it?
Anyway, I don't really comment kindly since I go staright to the point but I have to say this is good.

_________________
Scared are you?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum

693
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

AllyyyAlwayyys:

Thanks, Ally Very Happy I'm glad you liked it!

FreakyDoo12:

Umm, it's like the prologue of this story. It's up on top in related items if you want to look at it.

But thanks so much for reading Very Happy

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on October 2, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on October 2, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, The important thing is never to stop questioning. - Albert Einstein
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society