Topic ID: 36731
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
parisanmilo
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 7
300 Points
|
 Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 12:27 pm Post subject: The Name Is Carmen. |
 |
|
Cigarettes and Men alike, easily does she discard them
After bewitching, seducing, fatale est la femme
Reels them in, spits them out, falls for another
Madly one fell, sacrificing, he – a passionate lover
Escamillo, she left him for, José’s obsession tired her
Now he pleads, she refuses; he reacts, passionately, violently, in anger |
_________________
teach my soul to soar |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8729
Reviews: 2140
Country: USA
2148 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ooh! This is actually quite cool. 
The "M" and "E" lines weren't as good, mostly because they were jumbled around a bit a little too much. You should try to straighten them out, maybe make them more grammatical, and it should be okay. |
_________________
"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh
Video Critiques by Yours Truly.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
esteria
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 02 Oct 2008
Posts: 25
Reviews: 11
Country: Tanzania
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 9:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I have to agree with Snoink above, when i saw the C-A-R-M-E-N i thought ... but it came across really good. I think the E-line was good as opposed to the M-line which was a little confusing. What if it went like- Madly one fell, sacrificing a passionate lover. hope i was helpful  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
playerj09
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Oct 2008
Posts: 71
Reviews: 26
Country: United States
200 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 10:07 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I liked it alot! very put together and orderly. I remember my teacher making us do these in grade school mine really sucked compared to yours. |
_________________
The Killers are the pie and I guess [my] looks are the cherry.” - Brandon Flowers |
|
| Back to top |
|
parisanmilo
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 7
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
heyy(: thanks guys 
how's this:
Cigarettes and Men alike, easily does she discard them
After bewitching, seducing, fatale est la femme
Reels them in, and spits them out, then falls for another
Madly one fell, he – a self-sacrificial, passionate lover
Escamillo, she left him for; José’s obsession tired her
Now he pleads, she refuses; he reacts, passionately, violently, in anger
i should put this under performance poetry or something... |
_________________
teach my soul to soar |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
