Topic ID: 36730
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parisanmilo
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 Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 12:24 pm Post subject: Surrender. |
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It blasted all her hurt, and her heartache,
She stopped helping herself, wishing someone else did,
And turned the volume up, her sorrow awake,
Tears filling the brim of her eyelids.
Thinking of all the things she’d strived to complete,
All the effort put in, by her, alone,
No “Thanks”, no credit, yet she remained sweet,
But her face, once radiant, no longer shone.
Dark circles highlighting her gorgeous eyes,
She was gone, missing, hidden, buried inside,
No one would ever hear her desperate cries,
All emotion pushed aside, and masked with pride.
She was lost in her now completely tangled,
Mess of a world, her heart and soul, crippled. |
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Chirantha
The boy genius.
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 1:06 pm Post subject: |
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Well, your poem was good. Only, I couldn't understand of what you were writing about. Well, it must be your use of serious metaphors and lines.
It blasted all her hurt, and her heartache, (I think you meant 'pain')
She stopped helping herself, wishing someone else did, (It should be 'someone else would')
And turned the volume up, her sorrow awake,
Tears filling the brim of her eyelids.
Thinking of all the things she’d strived to complete, (Cut the 'had' part, it not necessary)
All the effort put in, by her, alone,
No “Thanks”, no credit, yet she remained sweet, (It should be 'no credits')
But her face, once radiant, no longer shone.
Dark circles highlighting her gorgeous eyes, (It should be 'Highlighted')
She was gone, missing, hidden, buried inside,
No one would ever hear her desperate cries,
All emotion pushed aside, and masked with pride.
She was lost in her now completely tangled, (A comma should be there after 'her')
Mess of a world, her heart and soul, crippled.
Well, now I can understand. She was talking about herself. Why was she talking like that. Some kind of torturing or something? Well, all the same, it was a good poem.
Good luck.  |
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olivia1987uk
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 1:19 pm Post subject: |
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I like this poem....you can tell its very heartfelt and anything with obviously strong emotions draws me in straight away...especially when it is this well written...
Cirantha's advice is absolutely sound and if I were you I would take it all on bored as I would have been saying the same things if he hadn't already beaten me to it...
I think the fact you can't tell for definite what the poem is about adds to its appeal...it means it can strike a chord with anyone who feels undervalued and worthless...it happens to us all at some point in this grand old scheme of things!
Might have a look at something else of yours now...I'm in the mood  |
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wombat
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Great poem. Couldn't find anything wrong with it =) |
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happybear
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:19 am Post subject: |
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| Whoa! This is powerful! I don’t know, maybe its just me! But I thought the message for one was grand, and the writing was superb! Yet, it annoyed me that the beginning did not rhyme, (I can see you tried! Believe me! But though it seems like it should work the endings on most of the words at the beginning were just slightly off. But then again maybe I’m just reading it with my county slang... thus messing them up, you might want to get a second opinion from someone with better vocabulary!) All in all this is a great piece of literature, and furthermore has a lot of potential! Please keep writing! I want to see more of your work!!! =D |
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adriangarcia
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:25 am Post subject: |
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It was a good start.
Based on what you wrote, it has true potential. Lines flowed well and had meaning.
However, I have no idea what you're talking about. Elaborate more and the subject.
Edit more. |
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Kiss of life
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:33 am Post subject: |
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It blasted all her hurt, and her heartache,
She stopped helping herself, wishing someone else did,
And turned the volume up, her sorrow awake,
Tears filling the brim of her eyelids. |
This one and the one below were my favorite stansas!
| Quote: |
Dark circles highlighting her gorgeous eyes,
She was gone, missing, hidden, buried inside,
No one would ever hear her desperate cries,
All emotion pushed aside, and masked with pride. |
They are my favorite because they just go with the whole poem! To me they basically are the poem.
This was really good. Are you going to work more on it? I really hope so because if you could do this
then imagine what you could do with a longer one and how many people it can reach out and touch.
This one had some big words in it that I am surprised that you could fit in this. For example: Gorgeous, desperate, and radiant. Again very good. Please add more to it! |
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