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Cry of The fallen swords
Cry of The fallen swords
by Lord Anzius in Storybooks
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This thread was created on October 2, 2008
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Toothpaste

Topic ID: 36728
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Light_Devil   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 10:58 am    Post subject: Toothpaste Reply with quote

Paul screamed. Janet screamed in response and nearly jumped off the lounge in fright. "For f**k's sake, Paul!"

He looked sheepishly at her and let out a nervous chuckle in a breath, "What?"

She replied, "You do that every single time! It's a toothpaste commercial for crying out loud!"

Paul looked at her, offended, "Well, sorry! The friggin' thing was scary!"

"A tube of toothpaste and a blue toothbrush was scary?"

He stared at her, a pained look echoing in his eyes, "You know I have issues with toothbrushes . . . ever since that boy rammed a toothbrush where the light don't shine."

Janet recoiled; she had forgot about Jimmy, "Just tone it down, the movie's going to start."

Paul screamed and Janet screamed in response, nearly falling of the lounge once again. She stared at him, "There's something seriously wrong with you, isn't there?"

Paul looked at her and pouted, "Not seriously . . "

"Yes, seriously. You are-"

"SHH! The movie's started!" Paul stated, cutting her off.

Janet gazed and watched transfixed.

A man in white walked past their room and glanced through the bullet proof glass. He saw two people staring at a blank wall.

He ticked off a few boxes on the sheet covering his clipboard, shook his head sadly and moved onto the next observatory room.

Janet shifted in her straight-jacket and smiled.

Paul screamed . . .

Just a note, seeminglymeaningless and I wrote this together, sentence by sentence.

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Last edited by Light_Devil on Thu Oct 02, 2008 3:33 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Fye   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 11:31 am    Post subject: Re: Toothpaste Reply with quote
Hmm. Hah, I find it interesting that you two wrote this together.

Light_Devil wrote:
Janet screamed in response and nearly jumped off the lounge in fright, "For f**k's sake, Paul!"

I suggest a period after "fright", so the dialogue is another sentence. Also, it's okay to write the f-word in your works (as long as it's rated R of course) but even though that I think the grammar here is wrong. At least, I've never heard it used like that. Probably, "Pete's sake" as an example?

Light_Devil wrote:
"Well, sorry! The friggin thing was scary!"

Use italics instead of bold. That should be the way. Add an apostrophe after "friggin".

Light_Devil wrote:
"A tube of toothpaste and a blue tooth brush was scary?"

Light_Devil wrote:
"You know I have issues with tooth brushes . . .

Toothbrush. No space. =)

Light_Devil wrote:
'Just tone it down, the movies going to start."

Open quote mark - " not ' And it's "movie's".

Light_Devil wrote:
shook his had sadly and moved onto the next observatory room.

Head.

Alright, I found this quite enjoyable for the way it started and how you twisted it in the end. However, you could make this clearer because in the beginning I thought they were in a cinema - home videos don't usually have commercials in the beginning, do they? So when it came to the part where the doctor passed their room, I got confused; not wondering and questioning, but confused. Only when I read on I could understand where they were.

There're quite a number of spelling/typing errors I'm sure you could've fixed, so just make sure you check everything before posting, k?

A fair short piece on my part. ^^

Cheers!
Fye

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 3:32 pm    Post subject: Re: Toothpaste Reply with quote
Fye wrote:
Hmm. Hah, I find it interesting that you two wrote this together.

Light_Devil wrote:
Janet screamed in response and nearly jumped off the lounge in fright, "For f**k's sake, Paul!"

I suggest a period after "fright", so the dialogue is another sentence. Also, it's okay to write the f-word in your works (as long as it's rated R of course) but even though that I think the grammar here is wrong. At least, I've never heard it used like that. Probably, "Pete's sake" as an example?

Light_Devil wrote:
"Well, sorry! The friggin thing was scary!"

Use italics instead of bold. That should be the way. Add an apostrophe after "friggin".

Light_Devil wrote:
"A tube of toothpaste and a blue tooth brush was scary?"

Light_Devil wrote:
"You know I have issues with tooth brushes . . .

Toothbrush. No space. =)

Light_Devil wrote:
'Just tone it down, the movies going to start."

Open quote mark - " not ' And it's "movie's".

Light_Devil wrote:
shook his had sadly and moved onto the next observatory room.

Head.

Alright, I found this quite enjoyable for the way it started and how you twisted it in the end. However, you could make this clearer because in the beginning I thought they were in a cinema - home videos don't usually have commercials in the beginning, do they? So when it came to the part where the doctor passed their room, I got confused; not wondering and questioning, but confused. Only when I read on I could understand where they were.

There're quite a number of spelling/typing errors I'm sure you could've fixed, so just make sure you check everything before posting, k?

A fair short piece on my part. ^^

Cheers!
Fye



Thanks for that! I didn't realize how many things were wrong with it! ^^

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
This was weird and confusing, but very funny at the same time. There was something very appealing about the title, who wouldn't want to read a story named Toothpaste? It's got to be about the best title in the world!

There's not a lot for me to say because it was pretty short, but I laughed a lot. Unfortunately, I didn't really get it. Are they in a mental institution and there's no movie or something? Or were you just feeling random?

*Goes to re-read it*

*Comes back*

Okay, my eyes must not a have read the last bit. So the are in a mental institution. Still... it's pretty random.

I think the beginning is very abrupt. I'd extend it. It'd probably be more comical that way.

Good luck!

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 1:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Well I think this is slightly funny so good job.
Dont be afraid to cuss just put it as pg 13 believe me it will be better than f&*k throughout the website.
I dont understand why they are so cool about everything if they are crazy they should be freaking out more. I dont think people would place two loonies in a room in straight jackets. Whats the point of putting them together if they cant fight it out.

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 1:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
I like the twist at the end, where they're in a mental institution.

In the beginning, you make it sound like a cinema, but if they are screaming in a cinema, there usually would be some reaction by the other people or the cinema staff. You need to make it clearer where you want us to think they are.

Quote:
He looked sheepishly at her and let out a nervous chuckle in a breath, "What?"


The comma should be a period. Pouting is not a form of speaking and therefore doesn't relate to the speech. If you had used a word like 'screamed' or 'said', then a comma would be in order. The same goes for when the speech comes first and then the action. If it's a speaking word, there should be a comma at the end of the speech. If it's an action, there should be a period. You did this many times in this story, just follow that rule and you'll fix it.

Quote:
"SHH! The movie's started!" Paul stated, cutting her off.


I don't think you need the whole "SHH!" to be in capitals. Just the first letter. Also, when someone states something, it is usually quite monotonous and said without much feeling. Paul has just yelled something, so I don't think he's going to be lacking emotion in the very next sentence.

Quote:
Janet gazed and watched transfixed.


You need a comma after "watched", because "transfixed" describes the way she was watching it.

Quote:
A man in white walked past their room and glanced through the bullet proof glass.


Bulletproof is one word.

I always have trouble writing with other people, so great job on it, you two!

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