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Secrets of the Unfaithful {3}
Secrets of the Unfaithful {3}

by Angel of Death in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on October 2, 2008
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On A Day Like This

Topic ID: 36725
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dreamintechnicolour   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 9:22 am    Post subject: On A Day Like This Reply with quote

She had wasted her life away on phone psychics and daytime television; anything to pass the time.

With still no child to fill her life, she had spent every day waiting for him to get home. She dreaded the day when he wouldn’t, though she knew it would come. He wouldn’t live forever and life in the force guaranteed that even further. Every day people shot at him for doing his job, trying to take away the most important part of her world. The only part of her world.

She felt sicker and sicker with every minute that he was late.

Why hadn’t he called?

What would she be without him?

How could she stop everything from collapsing around her?

How could she go on?

She needed him. She needed to feel his protecting embrace. She needed him to kiss her fears away. She needed to fall asleep in his arms…

She heard a knock at the door. She remembered that he had forgotten his key.

She stood up and ran across the room like a child on Christmas morning. She threw open the door and was faced by two officers with solemn faces and the red and blue lights flashing on their car in her driveway.

“Mrs. Everett, I’m sorry to inform you…There’s been an accident.”

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.

.

.

.

I know it's short, where should I expand...?


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olivia1987uk   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 10:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey dreamintechnicolour!

Short but sweet I think is a very good way to describe this! I hope to God you're carrying it on as it has made me want to read more! Just a few brief comments anyway...

Quote:
She had wasted her life away on phone psychics and daytime television; anything to pass the time.


I would replace "phone" with "telephone"...I think it makes the sentence more readable and it flows better this way in my humble opinion Smile

Quote:
She felt sicker and sicker with every minute that he was late.


Not fond othe word "sicker"....I understand you've used to twice for emphasis but may change it to something more emotive...

Quote:
Why hadn’t he called?
What would she be without him?
How could she stop everything from collapsing around her?
How could she go on?


I like the use of these questions...really gives you a sense of the desperation the MC's feeling

Let me know if you're carrying on with this was I'm very interested to read more

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This thread was created on October 2, 2008

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