Topic ID: 36715
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
wisemann210
♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 507
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
482 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: Goodbye |
 |
|
Where you've gone,
I don't know.
Gone by dawn,
By sunset brings sorrow.
The freedom we had,
Turned into slavery.
Now an invisible clad,
makes pain everyday for me.
To rewind time,
Even if time permitted.
Would be a crime,
Against my heart hidden.
Hidden heart,
Or just heart hidden.
I'll do my part,
And say, "Good riddance." |
_________________
Got YWS?
@(V_V)@
www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic32853.html
Last edited by wisemann210 on Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:23 pm; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
wisemann210
♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 507
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
482 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I don't want to bump this but i need/wan at least one review please?
I will review your poetry too.
---Jon---
 |
_________________
Got YWS?
@(V_V)@
www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic32853.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
StolenHearts.
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 125
Reviews: 25
Country: Oahu
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hello there wisemann210,
I am sick so I'm sorry if this isn't as good of a review as you'd like.
I found this poem really moving it seems like a letting go kind of thing :] For doing this while you were sick it's really good and i have to give you props for that.
| Quote: |
Hidden heart,
Or just heart hidden.
I'll do my part,
And say, "good riddance." |
This was my favorite part, it was a great ending. You could capitalize the g in good riddance. I love the line "Hidden heart, or just heart hidden." It makes the reader think and it flows with the poem To make this better you could use more powerful words like soul instead of heart or words that give the reader new vocabulary. Another thing is that you could make it longer, a lot of people find short poems irritating. I'm not saying that from my perspective...I love short poems any length works for me.
Well any-who I'm so happy i took my time to read this good luck on future pieces.
With all due respect,
Mackenzie |
_________________
Breath.beat, beat.
blink. breath.
beat. blink, blink.
gone. |
|
| Back to top |
|
wisemann210
♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 507
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
482 Points
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Princess
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 267
Reviews: 70
Country: Candyland
593 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 4:04 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This poem is good, and is a good idea for a poem, but it needs a little work.. The rhymes are really off, try making the last three letters in one word the same. and "Hidden" and "Riddance" dont really rhyme.. you should try to replace those words with somethng else... This poem will be great once you revise it.. Sorry for being a little harsh.. Hope i helped!
*Emily* |
_________________
Got YWS?
I say "Lol" merely because I have no idea what you're talking about. |
|
| Back to top |
|
wisemann210
♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼♫☼
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 507
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
482 Points
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
