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The Timekeeper - Prologue
The Timekeeper - Prologue

by cocoboy in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 1, 2008
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Chapter 2
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Down the Drain - Chapter 5

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Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 4:06 pm    Post subject: Down the Drain - Chapter 5 Reply with quote

I advise reading the first few chapters before you read this.

“Again my lord, I am so sorry.” Fatina said again and applied more soggy leaves around Will’s nose.

“Don’t call me lord. I am neither a king nor a god.” Will said miserably.

“But you do have powers.” Fatina said.

“Well, at least treat me as if I am normal.” At that exact moment, Fatina’s husband, Aknak burst into the room.

“You!” he shouted. Will half expected him to be pointing at him, but he was pointing towards Fatina. He then walked over to Fatina, who was still bending over Will applying another leaf, and grabbed her by her collar and pulled her away, half strangling her. She now stood face to face with Aknak, who stood head and shoulders over Fatina. Then, with his backhand, he hit her. She staggered back, and fell on the bed next to Will.

“You never talk to me like that again!” Aknak shouted, and slapped the defenceless Fatina again. Already there was a red finger marks on her cheeks. Will jumped up, out of the bed.

“Hey! You’re not supposed to hit a woman!” Will cried, letting a leaf or two drop from his nose. Will was about to hit Aknak, which would’ve been very stupidly brave, when he hit Fatina again. Then Will thought of an idea. He had stopped Fatina’s hand from moving, but could he make a hand move? Then, he pictured Aknak hitting himself and grinned. Then, he looked at Aknak. He wanted to control that hand. Will blinked. When he opened his eyes, he was two centimetres away from Fatina’s beautiful face. But, her face was massive. Her face alone was probably two times bigger than him. He looked to the right, and to his surprise, he saw five massive fingers. Will didn’t take long to figure it out. Somehow he had been shrunk, and now he was on Aknak’s palm! Will spun around, but to his surprise, he didn’t see the Aknak’s palm, he saw himself lying face down where he was. Then Will heard a cry full of pain. Then, once again, he looked to his right. There, was Aknak’s five fingers. He wasn’t on Aknak’s hand, he was it. And he had just broken Aknak’s wrist by turning around. Will turned back again. He was still close to Fatina's bewildered eyes. Slowly, Will started walking back. The entire arm went with him. Then, Will turned to Aknak’s face. There it was. On it there was a look of pure agony. Will then ran towards the face. Will bashed solidly into Aknak’s face. Then, once again, Will blinked, and instead of looking at Aknak's face, he was looking at the dusty wooden boards of the floor. Will stood up. He was himself once again. Aknak thundered out of the room.

* * *

After the ordeal with Aknak, Fatina had thanked Will a thousand times, and each time with a menacing grin. Then, she raced out of the room, and fetched some bread loafs.

“What are you going to do with that?” Will had asked.

“Food for our trip to the city.”

Right now, they were out on the endless dusty plains of the dessert.

“You said that you came from another world…tell me a bit about it.” Fatina said, breaking the endless silence that had been hanging over them for an hour or two.

“Come from, not came from. But first I have two questions for you. How did I get to your house in the first place. Because all I know is that you stormed away, then Wel choked me and then I was in the bed in your house. And my second question is, how did you know I am not Wel?”

“First I will answer your second question, then your first. You didn’t fit the legends. And in one of the legends it says that when Wel comes, a vibration shall go through the whole Cuento. It happened while I was going to Aknak. And, I don’t know how you got to my house.”

“But if a vibration went through cento-” “Cuento.” Fatina interrupted.

“Ok, Cuento, why didn’t I feel it?”

“I don’t know…you’re from another world, maybe only Cuentoions felt it.” Will thought about it for a while. This entire world was different from his. Talking red birds, gods walking the planet, strange foods and creatures.

“I must’ve teleported!” Will cried out.

“What?”

“I must've teleported, While Wel was strangling me, I must've teleported to your house!”

“What’s teleported?” Fatina asked wide mouthed.

“Wait.” Will said, looking at the horizon. Then, he closed his eyes, and imagined himself there. He wanted to be there. He opened his eyes.

* * *

Molly was being led out of the carriage by the great big scarred man. Then, a plain and easy Idea came to mind. Apparently she was a witch. She could so magic. Why didn’t she just blast off the cuffs right now? Then she closed her eyes, and thought about all the poor innocent people these men have burnt. Then, she focused all her energy on the cuffs binding her.

“Don’t even try.” Crossante next to her whispered, bringing Molly out of her thoughts. “The shackles are Amethyst. Sucks yer magic away.” Just then, they reached a sand stone building, looking much like the one all the slaves were held in. It was just much bigger. A lot bigger.

* * *

Will was standing, to his surprise, alone. He was still standing on the road though, but he was alone. He looked around. In all directions there was nothing but the endless expanse of dessert. Finally he looked behind him. There in the distance, he could swear he could see a figure standing there. He was sure of it that it was Fatina. He had just teleported! Now he closed his eyes, and imagined Fatina. He opened his eyes. He wasn’t standing alone anymore! He was standing next to an open mouthed Fatina. Will smiled. Now hopefully the trip was going to go a lot faster.

“Give me your hand.” Will said.

“No. I leave magic alone. Wizards great, Witches burn. I don’t want to burn.” Fatina replied sternly.

“O come on! I’ll tell them that I forced you to…please?” Fatina looked at those pleading eyes.

“Fine. But only till we reach the city.” She said and took Will’s hand. Will closed his eyes. Fatina did the same. Will imagined the spot on the road where he had stood only a minute earlier. He opened his eyes. He was standing there. With Fatina.

“You can open your eyes now.” Will told her. She opened her eyes.

“It worked!” She cried out in amazement. Will had a tendency to try and hide a lot of his emotions, but now he was practically jumping. He calmed himself.

“So, where is the city?” Will asked Fatina.

“North-east from here.” She answered. Will looked for the sun. It was almost dusk, so it would be in the west now. Finally he found it. Soon he figured that north would be straight in front of him. Then, east was to his right. Now he looked a the horizon roundabout in the middle of the two. Then, once again, he took Fatina’s hand, closed his eyes, and imagined them standing there. And as usual, when he opened his eyes, he was there. He repeated this cycle a few times, Till on the horizon, he could see a solid line of palm trees.

“Fatina, is the city inside that line of trees?”

“Yes…It’s name is Al-Sharm. It’s the capital.” Will then took them to the edge of the trees. Through the trees he could see a great sandstone wall. It was ten meters up into the air, with round corners and a great wooden door placed in the middle. There was nothing special about the walls, but the door! It had a massive eagle painted on it. Will and Fatina started to walk closer. As they walked, Will noticed that the eagle wasn’t painted on it, it was carved on the door.

“Gwin, the god of protection.” Fatina said when she saw Will’s eyes full of wonder. When they reached the gate, Will started to wonder. The gate was supposed to be open, shouldn’t it? There should’ve been rows and rows of merchants and traders going into the city, why wasn’t there?

“Please open the door!” Fatina called into the city. There was no response.

“Let me try.” Will said, and began in a loud deep voice: “My name is Wel…god of power.” Will allowed his words to sink into whoever was supposed to open the gates.

“I Order you to open this gate, or I will open it for you.” Will said. Fatina gaped at him.

“Are you out of your mind?” She whispered. “You’re not Wel! If they find out they will-” she was cut short as the gate hinges started creaking. It was opening. When there was a gap large enough to see through, Will and Fatina were greeted by an unexpected sight.

* * *

Molly had been pushed through the big double door of the great building. She was greeted by a big octagon shaped room. The room was beautifully decorated with portraits and beautiful tables and flowers. That was the beautiful side of the room. The other side was filled with portraits of women tied to a burning post, and had black walls and black crosses every where. Not the Christian cross, but the same kind of cross Crossante’s sisters had pointed towards Crossante. There were great big knives with serrated and bloodied edges. But there was one thing that the entire room had in common, on each of the eight walls there was a black door. Each door had a number on, ranging from one to eight.

“One is the worst witch in their eyes, and eight the best.” Crossante explained softly. “One is for serial killers and stuff like that. Two is for witches who killed more than one person. Three is for witches who killed someone. Four to seven is for witches who stole for example, or who mislead men. Eight is for witches who did nothing but good stuff with their powers. One to three you get fried slowly. Four to six you get burnt to death. seven they cut your throat with a sharp serrated edge. Eight they cut your head of with a sharp smooth edged silver sword. A fast death.” Molly swallowed. She was going to be put in two. She was going to be fried slowly. She suppressed a loud sob. One to four was on the ugly side of the room, and five to eight on the beautiful side. Suddenly an idea came to her mind.

“Don’t we get a fair trail?” Molly asked hopefully.

“Of course not! Does a devil get a fair trail? That’s what you are to them. A devil!” Crossante answered amazed.

“Move!” The man behind her shouted and kicked Molly towards two, and Crossante towards eight. Once inside, Molly couldn’t see anything. The cell was pitch black. To her surprise, she was alone.

* * *

Before Will and Fatina, stood about twenty spearmen, spears pointing towards them. The spearmen had large round helmets. They had chain mail underneath sheeted armour plates. The men stood a while, staring at them. Then, one by one, they bowed.

“What now?” Will whispered to Fatina. She glared at him.

“This was your idea.” She whispered back.

“Well, you know this world much better than I do! What must I do?”

“Tell them they may rise. Tell them to take you to the royal palace. You want to meet with a man called Paspio.” Fatina said at last.

“You may rise. Take me to the royal palace, I want to meet with Paspio.” Will said. The men stood, exchanged glances with one another, then said in unison

“Follow us.” The men started marching.

“Wait.” Will ordered. Fatina glared at him.

“What building is the palace…can we see it from here?” He asked. All the men pointed towards the centre of the city. It was an castle like structure with lots of windows and balconies.

“Thank you, you can go back to what ever you were doing before we came.” Will said.

“What now genius?” Fatina asked sarcastic.

“Take my hand.” Will ordered. She took it. He closed his eyes. Then he noticed that he hadn’t seen anyone but the soldiers in the city. Will opened his eyes.

“Fatina…where is everyone?” He asked.

“I don’t know. Holding my hand is a luxury, so just get us there.” She snapped. Will closed his eyes, and imagined them standing on one of those balconies. And, as usual, when he opened his eyes, they were there. He then looked down to the street below him. Closed his eyes, and imagined them there. They were now standing in front of another gate, an exact replica of the gate in the wall, just smaller. The gate swung open. Six men brandishing short swords came running out. Two men ran, and stood in front and behind Will. Another ran behind Will, and put his sword against Will’s throat. The same happened to Fatina.

“Who are you?” The man behind Will asked in a harsh voice.

“I am Wel, and this is Fatina.” Will replied, earning him another glare from Fatina.

“We are on our way to meet with Paspio.” Will said. The men then forced Will and Fatina through the gate. Once inside, Will had to give his eyes a few moments to adjust to the light. When he could see, he saw that he was standing in a throne room. The entire floor was filled with flagstones, all except a small route from the gate to the throne itself on which there was laid a red carpet with gold stripes on either side of it. The room was empty except for three great thrones on the furthest wall. The one on the far right was small, and was obviously meant for a child. The throne to the far left was of medium size. The middle throne was the largest, and obviously meant for the king. All the thrones were empty, and identical but for their size. All were made of gold, with a red cushion to sit on. Next to the platform raising the thrones, two men stood. The soldier in front of Will ordered him

“Go get the king and Paspio.” The men then sped off to a nearby door. After a few minutes, they returned with a young man who wore a long flowing red cloak. He wore a crown with rubies and emeralds. The man walked directly to the middle throne, and sat. He was the king. The man who had been holding his sword against Will’s neck now left him. Soon an old man dressed in torn rags walked in. He walked with a crutch. It was only when the old man walked to in front of the thrones’ platform, that the man who had just had his sword to Will’s neck spoke.

“My lord…and Paspio, this boy, claims himself to be Wel. How do we know that it is Wel, and not some fool of an impostor?” First, the king spoke

“I wish that I could say that I know, but I do not. I don’t have the ‘inner sight’ that Paspio has. I say we leave it up to Paspio to decide.” Then, the old man spoke.

“I will say what I see. I warn you, although I have never been wrong, I can’t believe what I’m being shown.” Paspio, the old man said. One look at the man and Will knew what would be said. He wasn’t Wel.

“This boy is not Wel.”


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 9:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, I love this latest chapter, I wish you would get more of Molly in though...
You have as usual done a good job. I didn't see any grammar mistakes, but I really don;t look for them either. Please let me know when you get the next chapter out, I LOVE IT!!!! It always seems as if we are getting out the same chapters of our books around the same time. LOL.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 1:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've been reading, and I've just got one or two comments on plot and character development.

For the most part, your characters don't have motivations. Sure, Molly wants to NOT DIE, but as far as what she wants to actually happen, it isn't really clear. Will, the same. After Fatina finds out he's not Wel, why do they still go to the city? What are they trying to accomplish? Shouldn't they be trying to find a way back home? Or even just an explanation for why they're there?

I think you'll find if you flesh out your character's personalities more, that the plot begins to develop with them. Try playing to your characters instead of trying to make them fit into your idea of what happens next. It can be an interesting experience.
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 1:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Make us feel that The girl does not want to die... also I want you to tell us How doing magic feels like.


Otherwise very good

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