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The Timekeeper - Prologue
The Timekeeper - Prologue

by cocoboy in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on October 1, 2008
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Looking Glass Prologue
Looking Glass Ch.1
Looking Glass Ch. 2
Looking Glass Ch.3
Looking Glass Ch.4
Looking Glass

Looking Glass Ch. 5

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 1:21 pm    Post subject: Looking Glass Ch. 5 Reply with quote

~ Chapter Five ~

Raiyne led Fallyn towards the sunrise; the sky a blaze of colors. The multicolored leaves crunched under her feet, and the breeze blew softly through the trees. She had just finished giving Fallyn her lesson on the first of seven realms. Each day Raiyne was going to teach her daughter the lessons of one Realm, so it would take a week to get through them all.

At dusk they had camped around Raiyne’s conjured magical fire. Green flames licked out, trying to touch its creator, there were other images in the fire if Fallyn looked closely, but they were blurred. She had decided to keep this to herself because it wasn’t normal. Laughing she went over the new meaning. Fallyn was never going to be normal.

Yanking herself out of her thoughts, she realized that Raiyne had been going over the lesson. Tonight she was teaching her about the oldest Realm, Elvna.

“…This world has a population of mostly Elves and Faeries. There the land mass is mainly forest. Do not cut down any trees there, because if they catch you, you’re as good as dead. Elves are very closely related to trees. In fact, they have said to have evolved from the trees. There is still a close relation to them even today.

“Faeries main habitat is in the trees, that’s why you can see lights coming from them late at night sometimes. They are small and petite, they are the size of a young child and often disguise as one. Faeries are known tricksters; your legends get that much right at least…”

Zoning out again, Fallyn thought about Earth. Last night Raiyne had told her it was a world of technology and science. Most citizens there knew nothing of magic, their beasts could not talk, and their trees had gone into silence long ago. Science had taken over. Fallyn wanted to see how advanced they had gotten.

Her mother’s piercing voice cut through her thoughts of visiting Earth.

“Fallyn, are you paying attention? What I am telling you is for your own health, I already know this. I would hate to waste my breath on trying to teach you something you something you would need.”

“I’m paying attention, you were just talking about the Elves and Faeries,” Fallyn replied thinking of the last thing she had heard.

“That was ten minutes ago honey. Now listen, the information I am giving you can save your life. Back to the topic at hand…”

*****

That night Fallyn never heard the Raiders ride in on their horses. Raiders existed in every Realm, they were just called a different name; slave traders. It wasn’t until they had hauled her up by her hair that she had know they were there.

Fallyn yelped from the pain. Glancing up she saw yellow slitted eyes that glared at her. Looking away from the eyes she searched for her mother. The Raiders were having a harder time getting her. Fallyn was already tied up and bundled on a black stallion.

On the outskirts she saw their archers pulling out arrows. It registered in Fallyn that they were going to shoot Raiyne if she didn’t stop resisting.

“Mother!” Fallyn screamed in desperation, trying to yell over the shouting. Raiyne swiveled in her direction and in that moment of hesitation was pushed and bound. Fallyn saw her slammed on the back of another horse before a coarse black rucksack was forced over her head. A rope was tightened around her neck and she struggled. Fallyn kicked and fought for her life before she blacked out.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 2:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked Shocked It's 100% original...it's wonderful, and there's nothing I could find to crit. Brilliant! PM me when chapter 6 is ready!

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 4:17 pm    Post subject: Review Reply with quote

Hey. Amazing story... Really extraordinary! Now... the review:

Quote:
They are small and petite...

"small" and "petite" means the same thing. You`ve just changed the language.

Quote:
you something that you something you would need.”


Quote:
That night Fallyn never heard the Raiders ride in on their horses. Raiders existed in every Realm, they were just called a different name; slave traders. It wasn’t until they had hauled her up by her hair that she had know they were there.


Fallyn yelped from the pain. Glancing up she saw yellow slitted eyes that glared at her. Looking away from the eyes she searched for her mother. The Raiders were having a harder time getting her. Fallyn was already tied up and bundled on a black stallion.


Here you got the possibility to write more of that night. You can cut off the first paragraph and put something else like :
Fallyn moved in her sleep feeling the warm green light of the fires on her body. From her dreams she could sense that something was wrong, that something is going to happen in that night. A hand caught her hair and pulled her from the ground. She yelped from the pain and hitched her head trying to escape from the painful grasp. Glancing up she saw yellow slitted eyes that glared at her. She saw the hopeless movement of her mother that was trying to get at her.
A sound of drawing arrows and straining of bows cut trough the night."


- then you continue with you story.

Quote:
Fallyn kicked and fought for her life before she blacked out.

- She blacked out because? "Fallyn kicked and fought for her life ignoring the pain that was coming from her wrists as the rope was cutting trough flesh and tried to get free. One of the attackers dismounted his horse and meddle between the girl and freedom and punched her. The pain and the strength of the blow dashed her onto the ground. She saw the terror in her mother`s eyes and let her self fall numb in the very darkness of her mind. The man smiled satisfied of the silence as Fallyn blacked out."

- Its very much to describe and many actions to make.

Very original i must admit. Congrats. Luck!

-Akayl

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 3:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello

I just read all chapters up until this one, and I must say that they are all very origional and I enjoyed them all.

I particularily like the names and your use of descriptions.

The only thing I would recommend is lengthening it, at the beginning you mentioned that you knew it needed action but on the contrary I think everyhitng is happening too fast. If you were to transfer this to novel sized pages you would maybe get 20 pages max.

I just think you should have developed your characters a little bit more and maybe slowed things down a notch. Unless this is going to be a short story in which case it was amazing and I would love to read more!

PM me when chapter 6 is out.

By the way i loved your prologue, it was the perfect length and made me want to keep reading.

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 6:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“Faeries main habitat is in the trees, that’s why you can see lights coming from them late at night sometimes. They are small and petite, they are the size of a young child and often disguised as one. Faeries are known tricksters; your legends get that much right at least…”


Just a little thing, it should be disguised and not disguise.

Quote:
“Fallyn, are you paying attention? What I am telling you is for your own health, I already know all of this. I would hate to waste my breath on trying to teach you something you something you would need.”


If you say “I already know this” it makes it sound like she knows its for Fallyn’s health, when what I believe you are trying to imply is that she already knows the information. By adding “all of” it just helps to clarify it.

Quote:
“Mother!” Fallyn screamed in desperation, trying to yell over the shouting. Raiyne swivelled in her direction and in that moment of hesitation was pushed and bound. Fallyn saw her slammed on the back of another horse before a coarse black rucksack was forced over her head. A rope was tightened around her neck as she struggled to break free. Fallyn kicked and fought for her life before she blacked out.


Okay, this was good but you good definitely go into a lot more description with it all. For instance, in the first sentence I highlighted the word shouting, because you don’t mention anyone shouting before. Maybe describes the raiders as they yell or scream in rage at not being able to capture Raiyne so we know who Fallyn is trying to shout above. Also “Swivelled” was spelled wrong so I corrected it. I also added a couple of words in bold near the end, you said “A rope was tightened around her neck she struggled.” The sentence doesn’t flow super well or make a lot of sense, it sounds like two separate ideas in one sentence. So I connected that as a suggestion, saying that the rope was tightened as she struggled to break free. Just an idea.

Overall it was good, and like everyone else said original, but I agree that you could add a lot more. Specifically with this whole raider thing. You could really make it a long and exciting battle, describe Fallyn struggling until she gets bound and thrown on the horse, cause by reading it she just kind of appears there once she is lifted up by her hair. Maybe she could kick out, scream, and struggle. Also the Raiders are having a hard time catching Raiyne you said. Why are they having a hard time? Describe her fighting and what she is doing, use this to develop her fighting style a bit and maybe let her show off what she can do. All ideas, good job and keep writing!
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