| Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers |
|
This thread was created on September 30, 2008
  |
|
you
Topic ID: 36682
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
grapier
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Oct 2008
Posts: 1
Reviews: 0
300 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 1:59 am Post subject: you |
 |
|
I’ve always wanted you
As I often still do
Yet you still play me
Like a leaf on a tree
Hanging onto something
that ends up to be nothing
You always treat me kind
When you are in a bind
But as soon as life is Gay
You throw me away
I will be there again
can't learn from where I've been
To only be shot down
And stomped into the ground
All I want is the truth
So I can finnaly have some proof
About my jaded heart
That Cupid hit with his dart
And stuck it close you
Now I only feel blue |
Last edited by grapier on Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:00 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
parisanmilo
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 7
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 6:52 am Post subject: |
|
|
nice repitition in opening and closing rhyme
is the second stanza missing 2 lines?
| Quote: |
I always wanted you
As I often still do
|
try 'I've' instead of 'I'?
| Quote: |
Hanging onto something
That turns out to be nothing
|
'turns out' sounds pretty out of place
| Quote: |
You always treat me kind
When you are in a bind
But as soon as life is Gay
You throw me away
|
^ this is the stanza i'm talking about
| Quote: |
I will be there again
I can't learn from where I've been
|
try 'I'll'
line 12 doesn't need I.
| Quote: |
To only be shot down
And stomped into the ground
Hurt my heart once more
I'll show you the door
|
try 'Only to be'
lines 15,16 contradict 11,12
| Quote: |
And stuck it close you
Now I only feel blue
|
try 'on to' or 'on' instead of 'close' - emphasizes the immensity.
last line sounds a bit awkward.
overall, good poem (:
my comments are all just suggestions. |
_________________
teach my soul to soar |
|
| Back to top |
|
wombat
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 11
Country: UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:03 am Post subject: |
|
|
I thought this poem was good, especially for a first post. It was quite realistic and the meaning was quite clear.
One thing though:
| Quote: |
And stuck it close you
Now I only feel blue |
This line sounds a little awkward and I had to read it again to understand what you meant by 'And stuck it close you'. Close doesn't sound quite right.
But, I loved it =). Keep writing! |
_________________
Let's Dance to Joy Division
And celebrate the irony,
Everything is going wrong,
But we're so happy! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
|
|
| This thread was created on September 30, 2008 |
Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own. - Chinese proverb
|
