Topic ID: 36681
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moon_shifter143
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Aug 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 2
Country: United States
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 1:27 am Post subject: Death of My Monster |
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She walks in like the dead air
Musty and still, nothing there
She smiles, the light bursts…
Yet dies in an instant
She asks about the tree
Cut down last year
“When did they do that?”
So I tell her:
I tell her about
The man in uniform
His voice like paper birds
His saw like a lion
He explained how
He would do it; how he would
Systematically and mathematically
Sever the giant from limb to limb
I nodded and laughed
At his wet-mat jokes
And signed my approval
For my giant’s execution
I walk back inside
Then changed my mind
So, I sit on the fence
And watch the show
The screaming and crying
The pleading and dying
And bit-by-bit, stick-by-stick
The monster starts to falter
Then it seems, the giant saw me
It groaned as it turned, to watch me
Sitting on the fence, docile to its pain
“Et tu Brute?” Then it fell to its death…
I finish speaking
Raise my tired head
She’s asleep on the counter
Tired and dead
I sometimes wonder
How much she heard
Then I remember
She didn’t hear a word |
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StarDuster
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 61
Reviews: 33
Country: Someone's Imagination
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 10:10 pm Post subject: reply |
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Wow. Didn't know you could write like that (that's a compliment by the way).
How come you've never showed me anything like this before?
Although you probably won't take anything I say seriously.... I'll still tell you this was really good (at least, I thought so.)
Would you mind answering a few of my questions?
Like, the girl... what was with her? Why was she dead?
Yours truly,
Star |
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"With every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains." |
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NinjaRebel
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 16 Oct 2008
Posts: 47
Reviews: 10
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 7:56 am Post subject: Review |
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She walks in like the dead air.
Musty and still, nothing there.
She smiles, the light bursts…
Yet dies in an instant
She asks about the tree,
cut down last year
“When did they do that?”
So I tell her:
I tell her about
the man in uniform,
his voice like paper birds,
His saw like a lion.
He explained how
he would do it; how he would
systematically and mathematically
sever the giant from limb to limb.
I nodded and laughed,
at his wet-mat jokes
and signed my approval
for my giant’s execution
I walk back inside,
then changed my mind.
So, I sit on the fence
and watch the show
The screaming and crying
The pleading and dying
And bit-by-bit, stick-by-stick
The monster starts to falter
Then it seems, the giant saw me
It groaned as it turned, to watch me
Sitting on the fence, docile to its pain
“Et tu Brute?” Then it fell to its death…
I finish speaking .
Raise my tired head.
She’s asleep on the counter
Tired and dead.
I sometimes wonder
How much she heard
Then I remember
She didn’t hear a word
Some grammar mistakes that I corrected, on the poem, and the Poem is a little confusing, like with the girl... but other than that it is fine. Nice work. You are very, very talented |
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. |
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clueless
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 100
Reviews: 34
448 Points
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| Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 3:22 am Post subject: |
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can;t figure it out, sorry. I'm confused. Oh and b y the way it sorta turns people away when it's confusing and you say, "figure it out for yourself." =/ Just seems like you're not open to talking about it or explaining.
otheerwise good job. |
_________________
I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours. |
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