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ashleylee
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 Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 1:01 am Post subject: Midnight Blue; Preface |
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I know what you are thinking for those of you who follow my work. Not another new story! lol But this one I really do plan on continuing. I had a really kind of creepy yet cool dream and I decided to make a short story out of it. This is just the preface of a short piece.
I know this is really short so just tell me what I can do to expand it....if it needs to be expanded. Or if you think it's okay as it is, let me know  All kinds of reviews are welcome, harsh or not!
Hopefully you like it! 
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Preface
William
How could she think that I wouldn’t follow her? All those creeps out there now… I have no idea what to expect from these creatures around me.
Leaping agilely from treetop to treetop, I peeked through the foliage down below. I had to stop and admire her then as she paused to pick up spare trash that was inches from the garbage can. It always bugged her when people littered.
Smiling at this thought, I zeroed in on her frame as she continued on walking. She was so perfect in every way, her face shinning like a moon through the leaves. Her eyes like golden sunrises, her figure that of a dancer’s—lithe and graceful, her skin immaculate, her smile that brightened up my day. I sounded like such a lovesick kid, a hopeless romantic, but I couldn’t help it. I had heard all those stories about love, all of them so ridiculous and too obscene for me to take seriously. But now that it is happening to me, I can’t leave this girl alone in fear that something bad will happen to her...
Veronica
Swearing violently under my breathe, I dumped the trash in my hand into the nearest can while my bag hangs precariously off of one shoulder. Brushing my hands off on my jeans, I continued on down the road, clutching my bag closer to my chest. Thin silk shawls, ghostly in appearance concealed the moon. The night was light, the sky midnight-blue in color. Few stars dotted the sky, making it look like an endless sea of ink splattered above me. I sought out the North Star and found it winking coyly at me through the trees.
That’s when I heard the rustle. Freezing, I hesitantly looked up. Nothing. Goosebumps now forming on my arms, I moved on. A prickling sensation started in the middle of my spine and slowly moved up until I felt sharp pokes at the base of my neck. A rustle again, somewhere above my head.
Spinning, I went to face my attacker, face split into a look of pure fury. But there was no one. Feeling slightly idiotic, I pushed forward.
But I just couldn’t shake the feeling as though someone was watching me… |
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~William Wordsworth
Last edited by ashleylee on Wed Oct 01, 2008 4:19 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Anijumper
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 1:39 am Post subject: |
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I think this is good as it is, seeing as it is only a preface. It's best to leave the preface short anyway, without being too vague. I think you've accomplished this nicely.
Just a couple things I noticed:
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| But now that it is happening to me, that I can’t leave this girl alone in fear that something bad will happen to her, I just didn’t know what to think anymore…. |
You changed tenses at the end of this sentence. Try “I just don't know...”
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How could she not think that I wouldn’t follow her?
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This is a little awkward. Try removing the first “not.” It will make more sense and you won't have two negatives in the sentence. |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: |
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Wow another great story Ash. I can tell because there was a good last sentence, and though I hate cliffhangers I'll be sure to stay tuned in for more. Please continue this and don't give up on anything else. This was flawless and please be sure to PM when you post the next part. Oh and thanks again for critiquing The Jane Effect you're so awesome! I've already started editing and...I don't want to get off topic but this was suspenseful and amazing. Thumbs up!
Keep Writing,
~Angel |
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lucyy
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 3:28 pm Post subject: |
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I spied you had posted a new piece, which I just had to check it out *wink* but don't you go neglecting Poisoned Roses though ... d:
Anyways, onto a review ...
I thought this was really good & caught my interest (I immediately can't wait for more - you're good at that ) & I thought that this was just the right length, I don't think any more detail needed to be added and ... can't wait for more posts.
& please PM me when you post the next piece to this (& Poisoned Roses of course!)
Lucyy xx |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 3:59 pm Post subject: |
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Anijumper:
Thanks, Anji. I'm glad you liked this.
And thanks for pointing out those two things. I'll edited it
Angel of Death:
Gosh, Angel, you are too sweet!
No problem about The Jane Effect. Just let me know when you post more!
Thanks again, Angel!
lucyy:
Of course I will PM you when I post more of this and of Poisoned Roses.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, luc! |
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KJ
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 4:07 pm Post subject: |
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[
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i]William[/i]
How could she not think that I wouldn’t follow her? [This doesn't exactly make sense, since when we're in her point of view, she doesn't even seem to be aware of his existence] All those creeps out there now…[Should be space here]I have no idea what to expect from these creatures around me. [Start new paragraph here] Leaping agilely from treetop to treetop, I peeked through the foliage down below. I had to stop and admire her then as she paused to pick up spare trash that was inches from the garbage can [While I don't object to him admiring her, I have to object at the location She's next to a pile of garbage? Nice visual Ash, lol. Oh, she's so hot. And I love that rotting banana peel behind her...]. It always bugged her when people littered. [New paragraph here] Smiling at this thought, I zeroed in on her frame. She was so perfect in every way. Her eyes like golden sunrises, her figure that of a dancer’s—lithe and graceful, her skin immaculate, her smile that brightens [You reverted to present tense here] my day. I sounded like such a lovesick kid, a lost puppy dog [Don't like that comparison. Do lost puppy dogs shower love on women?], but I couldn’t help it. I had heard all those stories about love, all of them so ridiculous and too obscene for me to take seriously. But now that it is happening to me, that [Cut this 'that']I can’t leave this girl alone in fear that something bad will happen to her, [Why don't you just do a complete stop here?] I just didn’t know what to think anymore….
Veronica
Litter bugs! [If she finds it so offensive, I think a more heated insult is in order] I dumped the trash in my hand into the nearest can. Brushing my hands off on my jeans, I continued on down the road, clutching my bag closer to my chest. [Wait, where was the bag when she was brushing her hands off on her jeans?] Thin silk shawls, ghostly in appearance [Comma] concealed the moon. The night was light, the sky midnight-blue in color. Few stars dotted the sky, making it look like an endless sea of ink splattered above me. I sought out the North Star and found it winking coyly at me through the trees.
That’s when I heard the rustle. Freezing, I hesitantly [Why is she hesitant? If I hear a sound I jerk my head in the direction I think I heard it] looked up. Nothing. Goosebumps now forming on my arms [Slipped back into present again], I moved on. A prickling sensation started [I like 'began' better] in the middle of my spine and slowly moved up until I felt sharp pokes at the base of my neck. A rustle again, somewhere above my head.
Spinning, I went to face my attacker [Awkward. Can't explain why, but maybe it's the use of 'went'. USe a word more dramatic, more impacting and tense!] face split into a look of pure fury. But there was no one. Feeling slightly idiotic, I pushed forward [Pushed? How do you 'push' forward? Is she on a scooter?].
But I just couldn’t shake the feeling as though someone was watching me… |
Don't have time to say anything else, but I am interested. Keep writing. |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 4:13 pm Post subject: |
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KJ:
Helpful, as usual!
I am off to edit as we speak!
Thanks so much, kels! |
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endless_secrets
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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That was very interesting and i think it is fine at the length that it is, prefaces and prologues shouldn't be too long. But anyways, I found little to no mistakes gramatically or in spelling. I really enjoyed your use of sensatory descriptions here and your comparisons or similies or whatever they are called. I also liked how you took the same seen from both perpectives. You are talented in romances i see. Sorry that wasn't much help... but i found nothing wrong with it! Keep going and keep PMing me!
-Your loyal reader |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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endless_secrets:
Thanks so much, endless, for taking the time to read this!
Of course I will keep PMing you. About this (and about Poisoned Roses hehe)
Thanks again! |
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 5:56 pm Post subject: |
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| interesting. i will have to check out the others now. |
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pshhxhoney
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay, right of the bat I love this! You're a really good writer and I am off to read chapter one RIGHT NOW! Haha, I really like this! |
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jasmine12
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject: Re: Midnight Blue; Preface |
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William
*Melts* love that name!!!
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| I have no idea what to expect from these creatures around me. |
I realized this is only the prefrace but maybe you could elaborate without giving to much away about these "creatures" Why are they so dangerous? Why would they be around here?
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| It always bugged her when people littered. |
You could throw in that he maybe chuckled to himself, because it is funny to him? Or smiled to himself because of how 'green' (the whole save the planet thing) she is? If you get what im saying. Just give him like butterflys or something to go along with the admiration.
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| I can’t leave this girl alone in fear that something bad will happen to her... |
Maybe I'm just being impatient here, but could he maybe go into more detail about this 'danger'? Why would she even be in any danger? Maybe hint to what mischeif has been going on in a little more detail.
~~~~~
Another one of my favorite names!
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| That’s when I heard the rustle. Freezing, I hesitantly looked up. |
Wow. Im loving this!!
I'm deffinitly reading on!!!
Hope I helped a little weeee bit. =) |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:31 pm Post subject: |
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Night Mistress:
Thanks! Hope you like the others!
pshhxhoney:
Ah, thanks! I'm glad you liked it!
jasmine12:
Yeah, you helped! hehe
Thanks so much, jazz! |
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AllyyyAlwayyys
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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very intriguing
At first it was the title that captured me,
but as I began to read
I discovered that it was not only the title that I loved
but the whole prologue.
Right now though,
I am off to read the next part
(oh and I almost forgot,
I loved how there was barely any grammar errors and spelling errors)
XD |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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AllyyyAlwayyys:
Thanks!
Yeah, this is a brand new story for me so just be warned that it is more than a little rough.
Well, I'm glad you liked this! |
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