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lordgluzman
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 Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 10:50 pm Post subject: Somewhere Around Nothing |
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So many pity lives
Being shot and stabbed by knifes
Shouts and screams in the battle lines
But I mostly hear the explosions of mines
Sad to hear that lots of prayers die
Even though we pray to the heavens up high
But it doesn’t matter to me because I will see you
Don’t you quit on me baby
Cause I will return
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Somewhere around nothing
Men grab your guns its time to go
Sometimes my heart hangs low
Even though I know
If I will lie
My soul will to the heavens up high
Sad to hear that lots of prayers die
Even though we pray to the heavens up high
But it doesn’t matter to me because I will see you
Don’t you quit on me baby
Cause I will return
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Somewhere around nothing
I will see you
I swear I will fined you
Why are we born to die?
Fly to heaven higher and high
God!!!!!!!!!!!
Damn I can’t figure the question
I am full of frustration
Why we have to go
Don’t you quit on me baby
Cause I will return
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Somewhere around nothing
Don’t you quit on me baby
Cause I will return
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Somewhere around nothing
I will come to you
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Somewhere around nothing
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October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 11:58 pm Post subject: |
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I wasn't exactly sure what point you were trying to get across but I liked the lyric/poem thingie alot. I felt like I could actually sing it, but with my voice not so well lol. I love how you wored everything but I think you may need to slow down with the whole rhyme scene. Don't force it, most songs don't even rhyme the really good ones. Now I wasn't sure if it was suppose to be soft beacused you talked about seeing someone again and heaven or screamo because yopu talked about people dying. Anyways I loved this it was great and sorry I wasn't much help but hey, that's just me. Good luck and keep writing, PM me if you have any questions or comments.
-Max |
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I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 6:37 am Post subject: |
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Hey, I have to agree that it sounds more like a song.
About the first line "So many pity lives", were you going to mean "So many pitiful lives"?
Overall, this was not bad. It's sounds like a 'rap' to me.
Keep writing!
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wombat
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:15 am Post subject: |
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This seemed a lot like a mcr song and I really liked it. A few things, though:
| Quote: |
I will see you
I swear I will fined you
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Shouldn't 'fined' be 'find'?
And also the plural of 'knife' is 'knives'.
Yeah, I'm a nitpicker =).
Loved it, though, keep writing! |
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Galerius
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 5:48 pm Post subject: Re: Somewhere Around Nothing |
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| lordgluzman wrote: |
So many pity lives
Being shot and stabbed by knifes
Shouts and screams in the battle lines
But I mostly hear the explosions of mines
Sad to hear that lots of prayers die
Even though we pray to the heavens up high
But it doesn’t matter to me because I will see you |
Some spelling mistakes..."knifes" should be "knives". apart from that, this first part is pretty good. I did not like the last line, though, it sounded too much like a part of a conversation than a written piece. Maybe change it to "nothing else matters, because I will see you"
| Quote: |
Don’t you quit on me baby
Cause I will return
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Somewhere around nothing
Men grab your guns its time to go
Sometimes my heart hangs low
Even though I know
If I will lie
My soul will to the heavens up high
Sad to hear that lots of prayers die
Even though we pray to the heavens up high
But it doesn’t matter to me because I will see you |
Good repetition of heaven; i like that in the first stanza, the heavens was used as a positive hope and now its used negatively, almost as a smoky illusion - a delusion, almost, of the people in battle. the contrast between low and high is used well. again, the last line is choppy and needs to be changed.
| Quote: |
Don’t you quit on me baby
Cause I will return
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Somewhere around nothing |
I did not like the stark change from returning and being lost. if you think that you will return, then you need to be more certain of your words to your lover. saying that your soul is lost does not convey this.
| Quote: |
I will see you
I swear I will fined you
Why are we born to die?
Fly to heaven higher and high |
"fined" should be "find", otherwise the meaning is completely different. good repetition of heaven once more, now your thinking is postive again even though the third line is negative.
What?
| Quote: |
Damn I can’t figure the question
I am full of frustration
Why we have to go |
this stanza does not make sense. it sounds like your whining rather than pondering the deep question of life. if nothing else, i would change the way that you say it, although the idea is present and i can tell that the theme is very present too.
| Quote: |
Don’t you quit on me baby
Cause I will return
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Somewhere around nothing
Don’t you quit on me baby
Cause I will return
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Somewhere around nothing |
repetition of a whole stanza is unnecessary. i didn't really get an image in these two stanzas of...anything. it was like your just talking but not painting a picture of what's happening. the "somewhere...nothing" might have worked in providing a picture but youve said that too many times in the previous stanzas, so it loses its punch.
| Quote: |
I will come to you
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Sometimes I feel that my soul is lost
Somewhere around nothing |
hmm, okay. somehow i feel that you originally wrote this as a song, maybe a rap. if this is really supposed to be a poem, then dont repeat the full stanza so much, it gets uninteresting; however, it would work well for a song.
in general, i liked the idea though and i enjoyed reading about life as a big battle...haven't seen that metaphor in a while. |
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lordgluzman
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| Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Thankyou for all the comments guys. I am still trying to improve my writeing. |
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But Heaven is blue
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thevoiceinside
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 1:51 am Post subject: |
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Hello,
I REALLY liked this. It holds significant meaning. It could be sung, but most poems could be sung as well. Not that they would all sound good, but your poem would. To me, this piece sounds sorrowful and lonely, yet gorgous and full of thought; it's beautiful. It's like your looking for something...answers, maybe, to questions you've stressed over for a long while. It's really a beautiful piece 
More people out there should let their words speak to the hearts of others, like yours did to me.
Great work!! cheers!
-thevoiceinside
P.S. Keep writing! You're amazing |
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lordgluzman
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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| The reason why I wrote this poem it is that I want to know why do we have to die even when people beg THE LORD to save their loved ones. |
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Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
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1993vlad@gmail.com
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:46 pm Post subject: |
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dude this song was awsome-----these where my favorite lines
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((So many pity lives)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Being shot and stabbed by knifes
Shouts and screams in the battle lines
But I mostly hear the explosions of mines
Sad to hear that lots of prayers die
Even though we pray to the heavens up high
But it doesn’t matter to me because I will see you
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
this really did discribe war through a lil song i should say------i didn't like dou when you
changed the subject so fast, from war to coming back home to your wife, or GF, or
something ----still very nice |
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CarryOutJazzy
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:33 am Post subject: |
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| Reminds me of someone who is going off to war, and telling a loved one how they will come back for them. Also, how you're telling them to wait for you and not to give up on the hopes of your still being alive. I loved the poem/song, and will definatly read more of your work. The only thing wrong with it that I found is a few mispelled words. Other than that, it is fine ^^ |
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