Topic ID: 36638
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CJeanene13
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 14
Country: Where I live...
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: True Love |
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My spine
shivers,
my breath comes
in gasps.
My head
spins wildly.
My heart flutters
with the beat
of a hundred
drums.
My lips are
taken
in a
deep kiss.
My hands are
held in
iron tight
grasps.
My lips are
whispering
while his
whisper back.
Tender in love.
We're sweetly
together. |
Last edited by CJeanene13 on Wed Oct 08, 2008 9:08 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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grimy89098
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 05 Jul 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 15
Country: Australia
356 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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very nice, loved this one.
just a few things ill point out:
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My heart flutters
with the beat
of one hundred
drums.
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try loosen up the words a bit, try "... of a hundred drums."
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My lips are
taken
in a very
deep kiss |
same thing here: "... in a deep kiss."
it doesn't really need the very
| Quote: |
My lips are
whispering
while his
whisper back. |
i liked this one, though perhaps: "My lips whisper while his whisper back." i dunno, dont change this part on account of me, its very good.
it sounded a bit forced and theres a few cliches that i can pick up on, but whats poetry without the occasional cliche?
over all, very well done! 
keep writing! |
_________________
"practice makes perfect but no body's perfect so why bother practice?" -Jye Arbon (my friend)
"everybody's entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege." -people in my class |
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StarDuster
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 61
Reviews: 33
Country: Someone's Imagination
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 7:35 pm Post subject: reply |
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I loved this! It was so great and descriptive!
I can't think of anything that you should fix (that hasn't already been mentioned).. sorry I'm not much of a help. 
You are really great at writing poems. I can really feel the emotions you're trying to get across in each one of them. I really liked this one, especially in the beginning where you were said "my spine shivers". I liked that line. It caught my attention.
Keep writing and keep me updated!
-Tianna |
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"With every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains." |
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lshryock2
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 09 Oct 2008
Posts: 45
Reviews: 22
270 Points
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| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: Re: True Love |
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| CJeanene13 wrote: |
My spine
shivers,
my breath comes
in gasps.
My head
spins wildly.
My heart flutters
with the beat
of a hundred
drums. |
this part reminded me of an ex of mine.
it remind me of a late night i had in winter.
these are my favrite parts of the poem
great job |
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"isn't it supposed to be like this? the glory of first love, and all that. it's incredible, isn't it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?"---twilight |
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Ashton
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Oct 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 6
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:46 am Post subject: |
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| This a perfect discription of the tender moments we all have when we are in love. Great job capturing it! If I had you perfect way of describing happy things I would be complete, my poems are usually depressing. Just fix the things the other people said and keep writing! Message me when you post something new so I will be sure to read it! |
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Writing for love is a pas
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 254
Reviews: 79
Country: none ya (US)
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 2:23 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. That was really good.
I could feel your emotion running through the screen, and it was awesome. I don't think that you sounded cliche, but that's just me....
Anyways, keep writing, because you are really good. |
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Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
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