This is the first chapter, I'll be posting the second one in a few days so that you don't just look at the mass of words and be like "pft f that"

I'm trying to turn this into a novel so some feedback would be really nice, thanks for your time in advance.

What I Did For Love

Chapter 1: Exit Wound

The reflection stared back at me; rebelling. He glared at me with blue eyes I could never claim as my own. Their intensity began to smoulder away at me, punishing me for what I’d done. For what I had I put in jeopardy. It was double or nothing and I didn’t want to lose anything else, not again.

The feral eyes continued to scold me as something shifted up on the surface world. A small pair of beady eyes gawked at me through the liquid mirror; they drew my attention away from the water. When I peered back my reflection was tame and mimicking once again.

My hands began to feel the ache of resting on the stone. That ache rendezvoused with the one in my legs until I surrendered and stood up with a frustrated sigh, shoeing the pigeon into its flock of doppelgangers.

The pigeons covered every inch of paved space that made up this quaint town square. The intricately laid tan slabs created a simple stage for the pigeons to mingle, most of which were gliding, bobbing to the whimsical sound of cooing.

I couldn’t help but wonder if they were all so tolerant and at ease with each other that they could live happily together? Or were they secretly weaving their plots and brewing their resentment with each passing nod and glare? Was this a social utopia or high school for pigeons? I leant towards the latter.

My theorising was cut short when something changed among the flock. Their trafficking froze. Their heads turned away from me. Something was approaching, some threat they didn’t think wise to underestimate. I could see movement further down the square, coming from the alley between the towering buildings that made the square more like a box. My vision was obstructed by the fountain, thin flowing streams of shimmering beads held together with invisible thread making everything nothing but moving blobs of colour. The sight of several pairs of fluttering wings before me made me feel like I could hardly move.

I forced my head to the side; it felt like trying to pry myself from concrete just to move a few inches. I couldn’t see beyond the blurs and the back of my hands as they rose to protect me. When the bustle around me thinned and I could finally see more than a two foot radius again, I lowered my hands and then I saw him.

He strode towards me, his sandy brown hair swaying subtly along his crown as he approached. Blue eyes fixed on me, his bright red shirt bled through the remaining cyclone of pigeons. I could feel my chest tighten as my heart began to thump harder and harder until it hurt. His eyes rippled with intensity as I recognised them. As the pigeons finally began to swirl out of the square like a tornado, small feathers were left in their wake. They rained down upon us, gliding gracefully like snow.

I began to edge around the fountain. My index finger traced the cold marble rim as I paced. A euphoric shiver shot through my body as we finally met face to face. We stood in silence as the feathers began to stop falling and settle on the ground.

His lips spoke my name, making my heart jump. He stepped forward, closing the space between us. I could feel his warm breath on my skin, which responded with goose bumps. His hand slid up my cheek and continued to ascend until his finger tips reached my hair. I leaned into his warm touch, enjoying the heat he gave off. Then the heat faded and I opened my eyes, not even remembering closing them. I saw his hand before me, twirling a small feather between his index finger and thumb.

The side of his mouth rose into a half smile. He continued to spin the feather back and forth between his fingers, until he ran his fingers against each other fast enough to make the feather launch into the air and fluttered until it fell out of my sight.

“Hi.” I squeezed out of my lips.

“Hey.” He breathed through the smile, widening it. Another step closer, we were inches apart. His hands slid around my waist, making me feel as if I would melt any second. Our gaze became more intense as he extended his face towards mine. I closed my eyes as I waited for the dream to come true.

I felt his cheek graze mine, his stubble prickling like sandpaper. I felt his warm breath exhale into my ear, sending a cold shiver down my spine.

“I love you too,” he breathed, sending another shiver into me and sending my heart beat erratic. I hadn’t lost! I’d taken the gamble and I didn’t lose him! For once I wasn’t the unlucky player. As I sighed with relief I barely noticed his hands slide around to the front of my waist. Another shot of hot breath. “But I’ll never choose you.”

My eyes widened as I gasped for breath, my eyes began to sting as they began to swell. His hands grew firm against me as they sprung into me. My legs hit the low rim of the fountain, sweeping my feet out from under me. My arms grasped my head and I naturally assumed the foetal position, looking up at his cold face, watching me fall, watching me lose.

A scream tore through my throat as I sprung up, sending the light blanket across the bed and falling onto the floor into a heap. I tried to heave air into my lungs, but it didn’t calm the feeling of suffocation. It barely even touched it. My hand grasped my chest; my heart beat was so loud I could almost feel it pounding cracks into my ribs. Please just be a dream, a nightmare, a figment of my overactive imagination, I thought. Please don’t be a forewarning.

I sat motionless as the dream quickly became hazed and the vividness lost its sharp edges. “It’s only a dream,” I chanted to myself quietly, hoping to trick myself into believing it. I came back to reality when I heard a loud thump beside my bed. I dared not move. If I did, the dream would fade.

“It’s just a dream,” I huffed as I claimed victory. I leant over my bedside table, my ears following the sound of buzzing. I let my arms slump over the table to feel out the floor. My hands skimmed several items that I’d promised my mother I’d tidy up and then I found my phone. I reached for it as it attempted to evade me, vibrating in escape.

I gazed at it in terror. The phone read: ‘Incoming call! From Russ’

“Hello?” I answered, unable to screen him.

“It’s me,” he announced. I shrugged off the tingles that usually came with speaking to him. I stayed silent, unaware how to reply.

“Can we talk?” His soft voice caused a chill to run down my skull.

“We weren’t before?” I answered, hoping to spark a change of subject.

“About today, about what you… told me today.” I could feel my chest singe, I wished today could have been a dream.

“What? What is so important that you have to drag me out here?” Russ had whined. Unlike my dream, this hadn’t become fuzzy around the edges. Instead they were sharp, sharp enough to cut deep gashes into my mind.

“I can’t keep this inside anymore, it’s driving me insane!” He looked at me in bewilderment and concern. This had only sparked hope inside me.

“I’m listening.”

“Promise me that you won’t freak out?” I’d prompted.

“That depends on what it is you want to tell-”

“Just promise” I interrupted, regretting it instantly as trying to word it loomed over me.

“I promise. Now what is it?”

My mouth had quickly become dry and all literate thoughts had fled from me, traitors. I tried to avoid his stare, the stare that could reduce me to bubbling moron within seconds. I knew that I would not be able to put this eloquently or with any skill or grace, so I just came out with it.

“I’m in love with you,” I squeaked.

It took him a few seconds to process.

“Oh,” he had murmured. A stab of pain tortured the organs within my chest. He stared at me, blank in total silence. I just wanted him to speak; no ice breaker existed for this situation. After what felt like hours but could have been seconds, I saw his eyes flicker up at me.

“OK, then.” And that was the last we had spoken of it for the entire day. We just went to our next classes. They were not in the same room so I couldn’t even see how he had handled it. I was left to wonder and every moment of it felt like fire burning.

“Jon?” the phone beckoned for the third time. “Jon, are you there? Jon!”

“I’m here,” I replied, as normally as possible.

“Good. Can we just talk about this?” He sounded concerned, as though I had told him that I was holding several orphans bound and gagged at gun point.

“No,” I said firmly.

“What do you mean ‘No’?” The shock of having heard me tell him no for the first time made his voice high and fast paced.

“No. I won’t talk about this over the phone. This needs to be done face to face or not at all.” I couldn’t believe how firm I was being. I had lines drawn! I could hear his tut and then a sigh through the phone.

“Fine, tomorrow. Skip first and maybe second period.” It wasn’t a request.

“J Honey,” my mother called as light burst into the room. I almost dropped the phone, trying to shield my eyes from being blinded by the lack of an adjustment period. “Your friends are here.”

“Gotta go, bye!” I clicked the phone shut. My mother stared at me suspiciously.

“Would you like me to make your friends a snack?” She pulled at her powder blue tracksuit in boredom.

“What have you been doing?” My eyes narrowed in confusion. I couldn’t figure out if this was another one of her phases. First there was the overbearing mothering phase; where I would be bugged every second of every day to see if I needed anything, if I’d done my homework, if I needed help with my homework, if I was hungry, if I wanted a drink. After those questions had been repeated every hour on the hour for five days straight, it began to grate on my nerves.

Then came the new age parenting phase, which was the current fad. It hadn’t really begun to drive me insane yet, but all the herbal tea being forced down my throat was beginning to do it alone.

“Yoga... why? Never mind, your friends are here. Do you want me to make you guys a snack?” she asked again, fidgeting with the short hair she had managed to cram into a ponytail, knowing she had guests waiting down the hall.

“Erm, sure.” I grimaced, imagining the ‘food’ she might bring out. Kat and Drew would look horrified at half of the food she made for me. I swear I was the guinea pig for her lethal recipes.

“What are you thinking of making? Sandwiches?”

She furrowed her eyebrows in shock.“Lord no dear boy. I’ve wanted to test this recipe I found online.” She beamed as she vanished from the doorway.

“Oh god,” I muttered as I made my way to the door. I ruffled my flat bed hair in the mirror before I started down the stairs.

“Evening J,” Kat called, standing in place with her hands threaded into one another, her long multi-tonal blonde hair pulled into a pony tail, as always.

“Yeah, hi,” Drew muttered, distracted by chasing my mum’s cat. “Here, Kitty Kitty Kitty.” My cat looked up at him in horror as he tried to pick her up (the one thing she would maim someone for). She hissed and snarled but he took no notice. “I won’t hurt you,” he continued to approach her.

“Emmy,” I called. She perked up straight and then bounced through the V his hands made trying to hold her. She landed next to Kat and trotted up the stairs, flashing me an ‘I hate your friends’ stare.

“My mum is making us some snacks” I air quoted the last word. Terror washed over their faces.

“Hope you like my Green Bean casserole with stuffed cabbage rolls,” my mother called from the kitchen, her ability to hear through walls still as strong as ever.

“Yummy!” Drew muttered to himself, his face disgusted.

“That sounds lovely, Miss Farber,” Kat called back gracefully, nudging Drew in the gut.

“Looking forward to it Kelly!” he shouted at the wall.

I turned and began to make my way back up the stairs. Kat and Drew followed. “Sorry we took so long, Drew wouldn’t stop talking to my father,” Kat said as we came onto the landing. Emmy darted off into the spare room as soon as she saw Drew following Kat.

“What? I needed some tips for my science project and your dad watches all those sci-fi shows.” Kat made a ‘psh’ sound. I flicked the light switch of my room, almost being knocked over by Drew as he darted past me to dive onto my bed.

“So, heard anything from the Adonis?” Drew asked, straightening himself out so he was sitting on the edge of my bed.

“His name is Russ, k?” I corrected.

“But he has the body of a God! We are so sticking with the Adonis!” Drew called back, instantly making buff gestures with his hands. Kat rolled her eyes at him from my desk chair.

“Anyway,” I said, trying to hurry the conversation away from mental images of Russ’s shirtless body. “He called me just before you got here.”

“And?” Kat stood up and crossed the room to stand next to Drew so that I wouldn’t have to keep addressing them both from different angles.

I told them about our plans for tomorrow. Kat kept her concentration right through, nodding occasionally. Drew let his legs flow and back forth in complete boredom, probably hoping for something raunchy to miraculously come up.

“That’s good, right?” Kat asked her eyes still intensely on topic.

“I hope so, I mean I don’t know what he’s going to say,” I added, my words trailing as the possibilities played over and over in my head.

Kat bent down and began folding the heap of blanket as my door opened a crack. Drew’s eyes instantly locked onto the guest.

“Emmy!” he rejoiced. The cat spotted him and bolted from the room. A loud crash followed seconds after.

“Stupid cat!” my mother screamed in distress. All three of us made for the door at the same time, but I got out first. My mother was bent over a pile of broken china, cussing to the cat and the splattered mess resembling remains from some alien movie. My mother looked up at us with a disgruntled expression. “Sorry guys,” her eyes began to leak silently as she began to scoop up the mount of green and pastry.

I bent down beside her, picked up half a plate and began to sift some food onto it to help her. “Oh!” she squeaked happily as she eyed three small tortilla wraps that laid on the other half of a different plate, completely flawless. “These ones are fine; they didn’t come off the plate. Are these OK with you guys? I’m out of everything so I can’t make a fresh batch. We could order in I guess.” She looked up with large shimmering eyes. I pondered the possibility of getting take out, but I couldn’t do that to her.

“These are perfect; I doubt we’d have been able to eat all of the casserole anyways.” Kat smiled, leaning down to pick up the wraps. My mum beamed back with gratitude, then turned to go downstairs, I assumed to get a broom the sweep up the pieces. I began to scramble all of the large pieces of broken plates and food remains into a moveable pile. I picked it up and began to head down the stairs, seeing Kat shove a wrap into Drew’s cringing mouth out of the corner of my eye.

I dumped the mess into the waste bin and headed back upstairs to see the mess had completely gone. I could hear whines coming from my room.

“But she’s gone!” Drew whined, staring down at the wrap in his hands with one bite taken from it.

“It’s called manners, now eat it,” Kat huffed, taking a nibble at her own wrap, fighting to conceal a sour cringe. I stared at my tortilla on the plate and took a bite, regretting it immediately. The taste was foul, as if the cabbage alone was not enough to make me throw up, the added tastes of croutons and some kind of onion and garlic mayonnaise topped with cheese and green peppers made me retch.

“So what about you and Russ then?” Drew asked with his mouth full. Kat looked at me, interested, staying quiet until she’d swallowed her mouthful.

“Yes, what are you going to do? Or does it all depend on tomorrow?” she asked, spying something on the floor that she couldn’t ignore for more than three seconds.

“I don’t know if it all rides on tomorrow. If he accepts it we can move forward, if he rejects it we can either end our friendship,” I winced at the thought, “or just act as if this never happened.”

Kat lent down and picked up the blanket I’d kicked off the bed in the shock of my dream and began to fold it into a perfect rectangle, then into a perfect square then set down on my bed, smiling to herself. She looked at ease for the first time in a while.

“What if he reciprocates?” Kat asked calmly. This suddenly piqued Drew’s interest. He looked at me with intense concentration; he was imagining me and Russ as a couple. I could tell.

“I don’t want to be a fifth wheel!” he sighed to himself, stealing the spotlight from my actual issues. “You’ll have Russ and Kat has Luke. What will I do?”

“You don’t want to see me and Russ together because you’d still be single?” My eyes narrowed in annoyance.

“He didn’t mean that,” Kat defended.

“I did! I don’t want to be alone.”

“You’re not alone.” I sat down beside him. “You’ll have us, no matter how spinster-like you become.” I grinned.

“Oh, I need to email Zoe,” I recalled, shoeing Kat from my desk chair. I opened my laptop, clicked onto my e-mail service and began writing out an email. I could feel Kat hovering behind me.

“I don’t know why, it’s none of her business,” Kat spat. Zoe was one of the few people who could make Kat venomous.

“Zoe is my friend, Kat,” I squeaked, not wanting to endure the Wrath of Katharine.

“She is shallow enough to paddle in! She’s so false-”

“She’s not.”

“No one is that nice!”

“You are.”

“I am not! Take that back!”

“I think she’s legit, so….” I shrugged. I was instantly belittled by her glare as she muttered something under her breath. I could only assume it was ‘Fool’.

“I’ve got some nice French Lavender tea for everyone!” My mother burst into the room, carrying a tray of steaming cups. She cut right through the tension and began handing the ugly brown cups to my friends, leaving mine on top of the cabinet after I’d tried to say ‘No thank you’ not looking forward to the taste of herbal tea.

“Thank you,” Drew said, unprompted. My mother smiled at the room then left as quickly as she entered. I saw Kat take a sip of her tea, then put it down instantly.

“You have this every night?” Her question was interrupted by a series of harsh coughs. She coughed until she went a bright shade of red, then finally stopped. Her puffy red eyes were streaming with tears now, and she looked back at the cup with hate. “That stuff is going to make me ill. Luke will kill me tomorrow if I’m ill.”

“Hey! Stop that!” I shouted as I saw Drew pouring his tea into the Croton Plant my mother had bought me - the one I only started to like after I found out it was poisonous. Drew froze on the spot, tea still flowing into the leafy plant, then retracted the cup and sat down without a word.

I continued to type and eventually hit send. Kat sighed to herself. “I don’t trust her.”

“Good thing she doesn’t prepare your meals then.”

“Zoe, not your mother!”

“You’re paranoid.” I snapped.

“Anyway, I have a question. What if she finds out about what you told Russ?” Her tone shook as the sentence went on. I couldn’t think of an answer, mainly because ‘she’ was extremely unpredictable.

“I don’t know,” I muttered. I tried to drag my mind away from all the things she could do to me, because the list of things she wouldn’t do grew slimmer the more I thought about it.

And that scared me.