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Beginning of a story
Beginning of a story

by savetheoceans in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on September 29, 2008
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SITY: Sanchez's Intstitute for Troubled Youth
SITY: chapter three

SITY: chapter two

Topic ID: 36617
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laura claridge   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 9:24 am    Post subject: SITY: chapter two Reply with quote

Previous chapter: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36484.html

NOTE: This time, it's Derek's POV.

Learn the rules.

And then break them.

We found the kid sitting on his bed, eyes closed and looking extremely peaceful considering where he is. Jay-Jay walked in first, cautiously opening the door and stepping inside. Seriously, I never would've thought Jay-Jay would have problems with barging in on anyone. He seems to do it often enough.

The three of us just kind of stood there for a while, studying him. Olli was right; the kid is seriously bulimic. His shirt just hangs off him and it's a little kids top. I should know, I brought the same one for my little brother last Christmas. He has really defined cheekbones and his eyes are a little sunken in. His hair, a pale blond, just lies flat on his head and looks like it's in terrible condition.

"Guys, you in here?"

I turned my head to see Olli push his way into the room, stumbling a little as he unhooks the chains on his pants from the doorknob. He's wearing his tight jeans again, black, and worn through at the knees.

"Olli, you mess, keep it down." I scold, rolling my eyes and turning back to see that the new kid's opened his eyes and is now watching us thoughtfully. Man, does he have some killer eyes. Bright blue with a ring of black around them. They look at odds with the rest of his appearance.

"Who the fuck are you?" The kid asks, so damn politely I have to do a double-take on his actual words. I swear he could've just commented on the lovely weather. Stunned speechless, I'm not the first to answer.

"The welcoming committee." Lithium comments dryly. "We'd like to welcome you to hell. Population, how ever many imaginary friends you have."

Before he gets a chance to respond, Jay-Jay jumps in to save the day. "We're just here to say hi. I'm Jayden. The girl with the smart mouth is Lithium. The guy with the blue hair is Derek. And the one who looks like he's just walked out of a porn movie is Oliver."

I must give props to Jay-Jay. The look on the new kid's face was priceless at the rather correct judgement of Olli. Something along the lines of disgust, wanting to jump off a cliff, and, dare i say it, intrigue. Of course, Olli just grinned. Always the one to bask in the glory of freaking people out.

"But don't worry, he won't try to molest you. We've trained him to keep his hands to himself. Sort of. Sometimes he just can't help himself and he likes to... touch." Jay-Jay finished rather gracefully.

It was like the icing on the cake. The kid looked like he was about to vomit. "The fuck are you talking about?" He manages eventually.

"I thought he put it rather clearly." I drawled and he turned to me, eyebrow raised. I'm not sure why, but this pissed me off. So I did what anybody in my position would do. I reached back, grabbed Olli's sleeve and tugged him forward. I cocked my head in his direction. "Olli, would you even want to touch this little kid?"

There was a moment where I knew that Olli was seriously considering my question. Because that's just how he is. He'll act like a complete and utter jackass, but all the while be considering every possible outcome of everything he says. So why does he say stupid things? Because he likes to fuck around every now and again. He can normally save himself from getting slapped anyway. Or I have to save him. But I don't mind. He's my best friend. It's what I'm for.

"He's kinda cute in a 'I wanna rip your head off' sorta way, I guess." Olli mused. "It'd be interesting to see how he'd react if I really tried. But nah. He's just a kid and that's kinda creepy." He said with a shake of his head.

The kid at least had the decency to look offended. "And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

Olli shrugged. "Take it however you want to, JohnnyCake."

"The fuck?"

"Your name's Jonathan, right? Shorten it to Johnny and it's just like my favourite character from this book, 'cept his friends all called him JohnnyCake, 'cause his last name was Cade." Olli explained. I vaguely recalled hearing something about this Johnny Cade fella. Olli has this little obsession with that book, The Outsiders. I'm not too sure where it came from, considering Olli hates reading.

"If you say so." The kid, now affectionately dubbed JohnnyCake by Olli, dismissed, turning those freaky eyes of his back onto Jay-Jay. "You seem to be the only sane one here." Excuse me? "How long can I expect to be here?"

Jay-Jay glanced at each of us quickly. "Uh... It depends... They gave you a time, didn't they?"

"Eight months."

"That'll turn into eight years pretty damn fast." I muttered, earning a warning glance from Jay-Jay.

"What Derek means is that they can sometimes get the times wrong."

"Sometimes? All the time."

"Derek, you're not helping."

"I'm not trying to."

"Would someone please tell me what the fuck your problem is?" JohnnyCake butted in. ...Actually, I can't call him that. It's just too weird. Olli can. Johnny will do just fine.

"My problem is that you come in here, as skinny as fuck, and start acting like you're better than the rest of us." I replied hotly. "News flash Johnny-boy, but you've probably got the most screwed up head here."

"At least I don't dye my hair unnatural colours to try and get attention."

I gaped at him. Did he not hear himself?

"No, you starve yourself instead."

The room went silent. Olli stepped between me and the bed, blocking off my view of Johnny. "Dear, quit it, okay? You're beginning to sound like Jay when he's coming off a high." I vaguely heard Jay-Jay's undignified squeak in the background, but I was too busy studying Olli to notice. "Remember when you first got here? And what that guy, Jason or something, said to you?"

I remembered. It was kind of hard to forget, considering he was also drawing a knife across my stomach in the process. That cut hurt like a bitch, and Jason had made sure I'd never, ever forget him. And if it hadn't been for Olli, I never would've come to terms with it either.

"And what I told you this morning? You promised me you'd make an effort Dear."

My eyes flicked to the side, unable to hold his gaze. Just how is it that a guy like Olli can dress like a hooker, and still have the most innocent, pleading eyes? There should be some sort of law against it or something.

I knew everybody was watching me. It was just one of those things. They were all waiting to see what I'd say, what kind of brilliant master-piece would fall out of my mouth. It was sorta unnerving. "What you told me was nothing like it actually is." I said sourly, looking at the floor and feeling for everything like a moody child.

"Oh come on Dear. You're not that superficial. I know if you actually take a second to think about it, you'll know I was right."

I bit my lip, holding in a grin. I was meant to be a moody child dammit. I could not just break because Olli can be so damn predictable.

He flicked my forehead, right between the eyes. I looked up to see him smiling at me and couldn't help myself, breaking out in a grin. "Good boy. Now, apologise."

He stepped aside so I was able to see Johnny. The kid had this little smirk hidden on his face and my grin turned suddenly into a scowl. "I apologise for your being an ass. I'll try to make sure that you never act like that again."

Olli's hand collided rather sharply with the back of my head and I let him tug me towards the door. "That wasn't what I said to do." He said with a sigh, shoving me out the door as everyone watched. When I was safely in the corridor, he turned back into the room. "Sorry guys, I think Derek here needs a rest."

"And maybe some meds." I heard Lithium add sarcastically. Olli laughed before shutting the door and starting off down the empty corridor towards the stairs.

"Does it help if I say I'm sorry?" I asked meekly, jogging to catch up to him.

"Bit late for that, don't you think?" He replied as he reached the stairs. I stopped for a second, watching as he started up the first couple of steps.

"I didn't mean to say that shit, I just got carried away." I said quickly, going up after him. He didn't reply, just kept taking those stairs two at a time. I hurried up, grabbing the back of his shirt. He came to a stop, turning to face me in the empty stairwell.

"You don't get carried away Derek." I squirmed under his gaze. "You set things on fire and blow things up, but never once have I seen you get carried away because of what some idiot says to you."

My shoes were suddenly very interesting. "That's not true."

There was a brief silence. "That was a long time ago Dear. You're meant to be over it."

"Yeah, meant to be. And I'm trying Olli, I really am." I looked up at him. "It's just hard sometimes, ya know?"

He came back down the couple of steps between us. Standing just above me, he pulled me into a hug. "I know Dear. I'm sorry for snapping. I just thought you of all people would understand how you just made JohnnyCake feel."

"He's not some character from a book." I mumbled.

"And that's probably a good thing. JohnnyCake died in the end, after all."


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"Don't you know a rumble ain't a rumble without me?" -Dally


Last edited by laura claridge on Mon Sep 29, 2008 8:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Nutty   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 9:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Johnny cake! I finished the outsiders. You're right. It's the best book I've read in a long time.

Anyway, your story....
Haha, Olli is cool. And Derek has anger issues Wink.
I can't find anything wrong... though I noticed you didn't use the whole 'wanna fuck' thing you were talking about at school. I think this works better, makes Olli more human.

This new kid seems like he'll throw a spanner in the works...hurry up and write more ^_^

congrats on getting my 100th review lol!

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"Please never have a character laugh mischievously, or cry sadly, or I shall have to hit you with a wet fish." -Brigid Lowry

Need a review?- http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37478.html
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 8:26 pm    Post subject: thanks Reply with quote

[/quote]Johnny cake! I finished the outsiders. You're right. It's the best book I've read in a long time.[quote]
of course it is. And in tribute to it, Olli is obsessed ^__^

jeez... me and those damn anger issues... it really is getting to be a problem.

yeah... i don't know why. This just kind of spurted out of my fingers. I didn't really expect it to turn out the way it did. Derek wasnt meant to be so angry and Olli was meant to be more aloof... but this is what i wrote, so whatever.

yay 100th review. I officially feel special.

anyway, thanks for reviewing

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"Hate to tell you this buddy, but you have to wear clothes to work. There's a law or something." -Steve talking to Sodapop

"Don't you know a rumble ain't a rumble without me?" -Dally
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow. real wow. It's amazing how alive your characters are. One thing though: I can't follow your dialogue too well. It's kind of confusing. A very interesting plot, though. I read the Outsiders too. Amazing book. It's strange how the author combined all of the sad stuff/happy stuff like Johnny telling Pony boy to 'stay golden'. And it worked, too. You seem to be doing something similar here. I've got to say, I'm going to finish this story.

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If you can't write the music's notes, ride them and enjoy the flow, like the flow of a mountain stream, and hang on to the melody, because like breath in the winter air, it's there, and then gone.
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 6:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
One thing though: I can't follow your dialogue too well. It's kind of confusing.

thanks for your review. Any tips and/or ideas on how i could make the dialogue less confusing for you?

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"Hate to tell you this buddy, but you have to wear clothes to work. There's a law or something." -Steve talking to Sodapop

"Don't you know a rumble ain't a rumble without me?" -Dally
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 12:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, you could try using commas at the end of dialog.
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laura claridge   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kyte wrote:
Yeah, you could try using commas at the end of dialog.


ah yup, i get you. I'll try my best for the next chapter Smile

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"Don't you know a rumble ain't a rumble without me?" -Dally
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Amazing. I love the way you write, it's fun to read. Anyway, great job, because the only thing I could find wrong with it is this.

Quote:
and, dare i say it, intrigue.

Just capitilize the I.

I can't wait to read the next chapter. Hurry! Smile

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

NEXT CHAPTER IS UP

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post455047.html#455047

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"Don't you know a rumble ain't a rumble without me?" -Dally
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