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Getting Out
Getting Out

by Cat_910 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on September 28, 2008
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In the Land of Harmony Chapter 1 Part 2
The Jane Effect
The Jane Effect Part 2
The Jane Effect Part 3
The Jane Effect Part 4
The Jane Effect Part 5
We Will Not Listen Part 1 & 2
The Jane Effect Part 6
The Jane Effect Part 7
The Jane Effect Part 8.2
The Jane Effect Part 9

The Jane Effect Part 8

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:33 pm    Post subject: The Jane Effect Part 8 Reply with quote

Note: I don't know if I like this but it was hard to write because it is taking a while to put everything in. My this is stressful, so it would help a lot if people will comment and critique. Thank you if you are following the story. Enjoy!!!

~Angel

The Jane Effect

By Angel of Death

Part 8: Coveted

The candle had gave its last breath, and the moon had went in for the night, becoming only a faint yellow blemish soaring behind the clouds. Elizabeth's anger still boiled under her cheeks from her encounter with Sir Harvey. Having all sources of light disappear, didn't help her mood. As she took a turn about the room, to calm her nerves, her thoughts began to break free from the confines of her head.

"Oh why must he be so disagreeable? His brother is much kinder and civil than he is."

She began clutching bunches of her skirt. The fabric felt smooth in her hands. It was a wonder how she forgot to thank William for his gifts. It would be quite rude of her if she knew from whom she merited such models of gratitude and not express her knowledge. But she was so flustered. There was no way she could approach him without thinking of the words she exchanged with his unpleasant brother. Elizabeth could picture Sir Harvey now, laughing and shaking his head at her. He must think her the most daft girl in all of England. And yet he acted as if he himself was oblivious to his own arrogant nature.

Rain began to pelter against the window. It had poured all week, with only a bit of sunshine here and there. Elizabeth looked out of the drenched glass, to find that chaises were retreating from the manor.

A flash of light shot across the sky, thus illuminating the purple haze. The door was visible now that lightning looked innocently into the room. It wasn't far from where Elizabeth stood. Frightened, she hastened towards the door, and thrust it open. Music poured into the room and soft laughter ran joyously down the hallway. The party was once again dancing. She had missed her chance twice to join in the folly.

As she turned around, Elizabeth was alarmed to see a woman of lower height standing before her. From her plain attire and frivolous hair, Elizabeth could tell that she was a maid.

"Miss, I am sorry to have startled you," she said, pushing her glasses up.

"No, it is fine. I should have been more careful," Elizabeth countered.

"I'm Elaine Caldwell, by the way miss. You must be Mr. Greenly's sister. He's telling a great deal about you to my employer, Mr. Garrison."

"Andrew?"

"No, his father, Horace Garrison. He said that it would be delightful if he could meet you." Elaine said, looking down.

For a moment, Elizabeth's expression brightened. To know that someone wanted to meet her over Maxine was quite shocking. Her demeanor almost took a turn for the better, but it was stopped by Elaine's next remark.

"He was confused when you departed with Sir Harvey. Odd man he is, if I'm not to bold to say."

"Sir Harvey? Please, tell him that I didn't leave with that man on a..." she started, her brows furrowing.

"No...I know the meaning of your absence. You and Harvey exchanged quite a few awful words,"

"Have you been following me?" Elizabeth asked, stepping back.

"Well, I called on you before you left but you didn't answer. And to be honest, I was quite worried about you, Elizabeth. Sir Harvey is very..." Elaine started, sighing.

Elizabeth stared at the woman confusedly. She had no room to be angered by her hearing the quarrel. Besides, she was more interested in hearing something unpleasant about Edward Harvey. Just when she was about to ask her to go on, loud laughter filled the air. Elizabeth turned around to find that Maxine and William were rounding the corner, their arms eloped.

"Did you see her face, it was most...Oh Eliza, darling, there you are!" Maxine exclaimed, breaking free from William and waltzing towards her.

"Hello, Maxine ," Elizabeth said, softly.

"Oh, you look horrid. Whatever is the matter?"

"Nothing, Max. I'm fine."

Elizabeth turned to William, who looked exquisite in a white top hat and mask. His bronze hair shimmered and as he bowed his head, the hat fell to the floor, making Maxine giggle.

"Your sister has a very blithe spirit. She had too much to drink though, so much of her character is based on the lack of her sobriety." William teased, retrieving his hat.

"Nonsense, William. I'm as-oh Elizabeth I can't help but frown when I see your face this way. Please, do tell what is wrong."

"Has the dancing been agreeable?" Elizabeth asked, waving off the previous subject.

"Yes, it has. I danced with Will three times. Though he's desperately been wanting to dance with you," Maxine said, looking from her to William.

"Please come, my dear. Half the women have left and as a betrothed man I must dance with my wife," William said, firmly. He then took Elizabeth's hand into his and stared at Maxine with an unfathomable expression. All frowns, under her blond curls, she nodded and started to depart from the party of three.

"No, William. We aren't married yet and the night is still young. Seeing as my far too amiable sister is alone, please keep her entertained and have another round about the room with her." Elizabeth said, curtsying.

"Oh, my dear sister, you are the most lovely creature I've ever laid eyes on. Thank you."

William bowed and Maxine waved, and then they were off, towards the party. Elaine had watched the short greeting from a distance, trying hard not to intrude. She was fiddling with the bow on her apron, when Elizabeth turned towards her once more.

"Now, as you were saying."

"I really have to get this tea to young Mr. Garrison. He's come down with a..." she started, readying herself to leave.

Elizabeth hadn't seen Andrew since he left her earlier. Happy to finally have the chance to speak with him, she took the teapot from Elaine and told her that she wouldn't mind taking it Mr. Garrison.

"Take the left when you reach the top of the stairs. Its the room at the far end of the corridor," Elaine said, walking away.

With the tea warm in her hands, Elizabeth started down the hallway in the opposite direction towards the staircase. It was white and it twirled up towards the third floor. She caught a glimpse of the gala as she climbed. The party had indeed dispersed. She couldn't find the Petersons anywhere, which was good; Hatty wasn't exactly a pleasure to be around. The Pierces were also unaccounted for. Amongst the dancers, Elizabeth saw her sister and William perfecting the rituals of the joyous institution. When they passed clusters of unfamiliar girls, their eyes stared at Maxine enviously.

At the top of the stairs were two hallways. One that stretched to the right and the other to the left. It was extremely dark. The only light that was provided was that of the candles that lined the halls. Taking the left, she took in every painting and decorative piece. There were portraits of the moon and sculptures of beautiful creatures that resembled wolves. One was white with sapphires embedded in the eyes.

She was met by a window, when she reached the end. It was pouring down hard outside. There was another flash of lightning, but this time the sky began to shake and rumble. The dishes that Elizabeth held in her hands clanked, as she shook with fear. A yellow light shone under the door. She could hear a soft humming and then there was silence.

"Come in," Andrew said.

Slowly, she opened the door and peered shyly inside. There were several bookcases and a globe that was carved in gold. Candles were everywhere, making the room shine as if it were on the sun. Andrew was sitting at his desk, with a quill in his hand. Elizabeth could tell something was scribbled on the paper that sat in front of him. His perfect penmanship stared at her as she moved closer.

"Ah, Elizabeth!" he said, standing. His eyes widened, beckoning her into the room.

"I know you weren't expecting me, but I had to see you." Her cheeks flushed, and Andrew smiled. She didn't mean to come off too forward, but the remark was soon forgotten and the subject was changed.

"I am sorry about leaving so abruptly earlier." he said, coming towards her.

"Yes, what was that about?" Elizabeth asked.

"Please, come sit by the fire with me," Andrew said, motioning towards the fireplace behind them.

Nodding, Elizabeth retreated to a cushy green chair that stared comfortably at the flickering flame. There was another roar in the sky, which made her sink deeper into the cushions.

"Don't be frightened. It’s only the Angels quarreling. Tea?"

"Yes, thank you."

"How many lumps?"

"Three."

"Milk?"

"No thank you."

"As I was saying, I didn't mean to leave you with that disagreeable man but to tell you the truth, he frightens me," Andrew said, handing her the cup of tea.

She took a sip. The liquid trickled down her throat, sending warmth through her veins. It had a sweet smell to it, almost like a sunny day in Spring.

"Why does he frighten you, Andrew? He is but a mere man with too much pride." Elizabeth said, frowning.

Just thinking about Sir Harvey made her hands quiver. There was something about him that was both mysterious and frightening. What was Elaine going to tell her about him?

"Its nothing serious really. I'd appreciate if we don't talk about it anymore. Ah, I was supposed to paint your portrait. That is...if you'll still allow me. I understand if what I did is completely unforgivable." he replied, placing his tea on the table between their chairs.

Elizabeth beamed. She had almost forgotten their agreement. The paintings in the hallway must have been of his own accord. They were beautiful and yet plain. If he were to capture her beauty, then maybe she could actually be as amiable in appearance as Maxine.

"Yes, I will allow you. How shall I pose?" she said.

"Hmm...here..." Andrew walked across the room and picked an orchid out of its vase. He placed it in Elizabeth's hands and stepped back. Trying to help with his decision, she placed it behind her hair and folded her hands on her lap.

"Exquisite, but I need more light. Come, so that I can see you." He led her to the other side of the room which was occupied by a chandelair. Just above it was a railing to a staircase. There were more bookcases on this side of the room. Works from William Shakespeare and Ann Radcliffe lined the shelves. There were also more volumes but Elizabeth couldn't make out what they were.

Andrew pulled a huge book from its place and soon the bookcase moved aside, to reveal a passageway. He disappeared for a moment and then he was leaning over the railing next to the chandelair.

"Hello," he said, smiling.

"Please don't fall," Elizabeth said, chuckling.

He nodded, bringing the great contraption towards him by tugging on a chain. It squeaked and clanked until it was inches away from his face. Taking a candle, Andrew lit it, and blew fire all around the chandelair. The room was now bright and cheerful. Elizabeth could see every painting and every piece of furniture in the room.

"That's better," she said, softly.

"Indeed, it is." They gazed at each other for a moment and then he made his way back downstairs. The bookcase returned to the wall and Elizabeth was still amazed by what just happened.

"Don't tell anyone of what just happened. It'll spoil the effect if someone other than ourselves is to know," Andrew joked, smiling.

"Aye,"

Time went by. Andrew had donned his easel and Elizabeth had perfected a still posture. They were staring intently at each other, their eyes becoming mirrors as Andrew painted. It was when Elizabeth absently sighed that he decided to strike up a conversation.

"Do you like my other portraits?"

"Yes, they are quite beautiful. You have an eye for elegance."

"I can not take full credit for everything. Sometimes what I paint provides me all the beauty I need."

There was silence again and he smiled.

"I suppose we're supposed to talk about the weather and how the company was today." Elizabeth offered.

"We shall talk about those things. But they are such trivial topics, do not you agree?" he asked, focusing on his paper.

"How are they trivial?"

"Well, suppose you say that you enjoyed the party but the latter was disagreeable. And the weather hasn't been all that pleasant, so we're at a lost there.

Elizabeth stifled a chuckle.

"You must be a scholar in the art of conversation, Mr. Garrison. I don't think I'll speak any longer,"

"Please, I couldn't bare not to hear your voice."

It was strange how their moments were always marred by silence. Again, her cheeks flushed and then Andrew stopped painting. Elizabeth enjoyed being here with someone who didn't judge her so freely. As he put down his brush and sat back in his chair, she wondered what was going through his mind. Did he enjoy her company as well or was it the latter?

"I have run far too long from this. For once I want to stop and feel this life," he whispered, rising from his chair. Before she could ask what he meant, he was across the room, standing in front of her.

"You are too beautiful for your own good, Elizabeth."

There was another flash of lightning and then the sky roared. A wind passed through the room, blowing out the candles. In the darkness, all Elizabeth could see was Andrew's shadow and another form standing in the doorway. It was tall and stiff. As another bolt of lightning illuminated the room, she was able to see the harsh cerulean eyes of Sir Harvey. His gaze bore through her, reminding her of their previous encounter.

"Andrew," he said, firmly.

***To be continued***


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"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me


Last edited by Angel of Death on Sun Oct 12, 2008 3:31 pm; edited 4 times in total
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 11:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I couldn't resist reading all to the way to the end, Angel! Wink

Comments in bold, corrections in red.


The Jane Effect

By Angel of Death



Part 8: Coveted


The candle had gave its last breath, and the moon had went in for the night. Becoming only a faint yellow blemish, soaring behind the clouds. I would connect these two sentences like so: ...the moon had went in for the night, becoming only a faint yellow blemish soaring behind the clouds. Elizabeth's anger still boiled under her cheeks from her encounter with Sir Harvey. Having all sources of light disappear, didn't help her mood. As she took a turn about the room, to calm her nerves, her thoughts began to break free from the confines of her head.

"Oh why must he be so disagreeable? His brother is much kinder and civil than he is."

She began clutching bunches of her skirt. The fabric felt smooth in her hands. It was a wonder how she forgot to think thank William for his gifts. It would be quite rude of her if she knew from whom she merited such models of gratitude and not express her knowledge. But she was so flustered. There was no way she could approach him without thinking of the words she exchanged with his unpleasant brother. Elizabeth could picture Sir Harvey now, laughing and shaking his head at her. He must think her the most daft girl in all of England. And yet he acted as if he himself was oblivious to his own arrogant nature.

Rain began to pelter against the window. It had poured all week, with only a bit of sunshine here and there. Elizabeth looked out of the drenched glass, to find that chaises were retreating from the manor.

A flash of light shot across the sky, thus illuminating the purple haze. Frightened, Elizabeth hastened towards the door, which was visible now that lightning looked innocently into the room, and thrust it open. This sentence is oddly worded...I suggest a rewrite of it. Music poured into the room and soft laughter ran joyously down the hallway. The party was once again dancing. She had missed her chance twice to join in the folly.

As she turned around, Elizabeth was alarmed to see a woman of lower height standing before her. From her plain attire and frivolous hair, Elizabeth could tell that she was a maid.

"Miss, I am sorry to have startled you," she said, pushing her glasses up.

"No, it is fine. I should have been more careful," Elizabeth countered.

"I'm Elaine Caldwell, by the way miss. You must be Mr. Greenly's sister. He's telling a great deal about you to my employer, Mr. Garrison."

"Andrew?"

"No, his father, Horace Garrison. He said that it would be delightful if he could meet you." Elaine said, looking down.

For a moment, Elizabeth's expression brightened. To know that someone wanted to meet her over Maxine was quite shocking. Her demeanor almost took a turn for the better, but it was stopped by Elaine's next remark.

"He was confused when you departed with Sir Harvey. Odd man he is, if I'm not to bold to say."

"Sir Harvey? Please, tell him that I didn't leave with that man on a..." she started, her brows furrowing.

"No...I know the meaning of your absence. You and Harvey exchanged quite a few awful words,"

"Have you been following me?" Elizabeth asked, stepping back.

"Well, I called on you before you left but you didn't answer. And to be honest, I was quite worried about you comma Elizabeth. Sir Harvey is very..." Elaine started, sighing.

Elizabeth stared at the woman confusedly. She had no room to be angered by her hearing the quarrel. Besides, she was more interested in hearing something unpleasant about Edward Harvey. Just when she was about to ask her to go on, loud laughter filled the air. Elizabeth turned around to find that Maxine and William were rounding the corner, their arms eloped.

"Did you see her face, it was most...Oh Eliza, darling, there you are!" Maxine exclaimed, breaking free from William and waltzing towards her.

"Hello comma Maxine," Elizabeth said, softly.

"Oh comma you look horrid. Whatever is the matter?"

"Nothing, Max. I'm fine."

Elizabeth turned to William, who looked exquisite in a white top hat and mask. His bronze hair shimmered and as he bowed his head, the hat fell to floor, making Maxine giggle.

"Your sister is a very blithe spirit. She had too much to drink though, so much of her character is based on the lack of her sobriety." William teased, retrieving his hat.

"Nonsense, William. I'm as-oh Elizabeth I can't help but frown when I see your face this way. Please, do tell what is wrong."

"Has the dancing been agreeable?" Elizabeth asked, waving off the previous subject.

"Yes, it has. I danced with Will three times. Though he's desperately been wanting to dance with you," Maxine said, looking from her to William.

"Please come, my dear. Half the women have left and as a married man I must dance with my wife," William said, firmly. He then took Elizabeth's hand into his and stared at Maxine with an unfathomable expression. All frowns, under her blond curls, she nodded and started to depart from the party of three. Wait, they aren't married yet, are they?

"No, William. We aren't married yet and the night is still young. Seeing as my far too amiable sister is alone, please keep her entertained and have another round about the room with her." Elizabeth said, curtsying.

"Oh, my dear sister, you are the most lovely creature I've ever laid eyes on. Thank you."

William bowed and Maxine waved, and then they were off, towards the party. Elaine had watched the short greeting from a distance, trying hard not to intrude. She was fiddling with the bow on her apron, when Elizabeth turned towards her once more.

"Now, as you were saying."

"I really have to get this tea to young Mr. Garrison. He's come down with a..." she started, readying herself to leave.

Elizabeth hadn't seen Andrew since he left her earlier. Happy to finally have the chance to speak with him, she took the teapot from Elaine and told her that she wouldn't mind taking it Mr. Garrison.

"Take the left when you reach to of the stairs. Its the room at the far end of the corridor," Elaine said, walking away.

With the tea warm in her hands, Elizabeth started down the hallway in the opposite direction towards the staircase. It was white and it twirled up towards the second third floor. Second third floor? I would just use one or the other…or but “and” between them.] She caught a glimpse of the gala as she climbed it. No need to say “it”. We already know she is climbing the stairs. Just leave it at climb. The party had indeed dispersed. She couldn't find the Petersons anywhere comma which was good, Semi instead of a comma after “good” Hatty wasn't exactly a pleasure to be around. The Pierces were also unaccounted for. Amongst the dancers, Elizabeth saw her sister and William perfecting the rituals of the joyous institution. When they passed clusters of unfamiliar girls, their eyes stared at Maxine enviously.

At the top of the stairs, No need for the comma after “stairs” were two hallways. One that stretched to the right and the other to the left. It was extremely dark. The only light that was provided was that of the candles that lined the halls. Taking the left, she took in every painting and decorative piece. There were portraits of the moon and sculptures of beautiful creatures that resembled wolves. One was white with sapphires embedded in the eyes.

She was met by a window, when she reached the end. It was pouring down hard outside. There was another flash of lightning, but this time the sky began to shake and rumble. The dishes that Elizabeth held in her hands clanked, as she shook with fear. A yellow light shone under the door. She could hear a soft humming and then there was silence.

"Come in," Andrew said.

Slowly, she opened the door and peered shyly inside. There were several bookcases and a globe that was carved in gold. Candles were everywhere, making the room shine as if it were on the sun. Andrew was sitting at his desk, with a quill in his hand. Elizabeth could tell something was scribbled on the paper that sat in front of him. His perfect penmanship stared at her as she moved closer.

"Ah, Elizabeth." he said, standing. Wouldn’t he be surprised to see her since it is usually a servant that brings tea and stuff?

"I know you weren't expecting me, but I had to see you." Her cheeks flushed, and Andrew smiled. She didn't mean to come off too forward, but the remark was soon forgotten and the subject was changed.

"I am sorry about leaving so abruptly earlier." he said, coming towards her.

"Yes, what was that about?" Elizabeth asked.

"Please, come sit by the fire with me." Comma instead of a period after “me” Andrew said, motioning towards the fireplace behind them.

Nodding, Elizabeth retreated to a cushy green chair that stared comfortably at the flickering flame. There was another roar in the sky, which made her sink deeper into the cushions.

"Don't be frightened. Its It’s only the Angels quarreling. Tea?" That’s a cute thought….Angels quarreling…I like that, Angel! Very Happy

"Yes, thank you."

"How many lumps?"

"Three."

"Milk?"

"No thank you."

"As I was saying, I didn't mean to leave with that disagreeable man but to tell you the truth, he frightens me." Comma instead of a period after “me” Andrew said, handing her the cup of tea.

She took a sip. The liquid trickled down her throat, sending warmth through her veins. It had a sweet smell to it, almost like a sunny day in Spring.

"Why does he frighten you, Andrew? He is but a mere man with too much pride." Elizabeth said, frowning.

Just thinking about Sir Harvey made her hands quiver. There was something about him that was both mysterious and frightening about him at the same time. This is an odd sentence. I would try rewording it. What was Elaine going to tell her about him? Even though she was far from the man, she couldn't help but want to know why he acted in such ways.

"Its nothing serious really. I'd appreciate if we don't talk about it anymore. Ah, I was supposed to paint your portrait. That is...if you'll still allow me. I understand if what I did is completely unforgivable." he replied, placing his tea on the table between their chairs.

Elizabeth beamed. She had almost forgotten their agreement. The paintings in the hallway must have been of his own accord. They were beautiful and yet plain. If he were to capture her beauty, then maybe she could actually be as amiable in appearance as Maxine.

"Yes, I will allow you. How shall I pose?" she said.

"Hmm...here..." Andrew walked across the room and picked an orchid out of its vase. He placed it in Elizabeth's hands and stepped back. Trying to help with his decision, she placed it behind her hair and folded her hands on her lap.

"Exquisite, but I need more light. Come, so that I can see you." He led her to the other side of the room which was occupied by a chandelair. Just above it was a railing to a staircase. There were more bookcases on this side of the room. Works from William Shakespeare and Ann Radcliffe lined the shelves. There were also more volumes but Elizabeth couldn't make out what they were.

Andrew pulled a huge book from its place and soon the bookcase moved aside, to reveal a passageway. He disappeared for a moment and then he was leaning over the railing next to the chandelair.

"Hello," he said, smiling.

"Please don't fall," Elizabeth said, chuckling.

He nodded, bringing the great contraption towards him by tugging on a chain. It squeaked and clanked until it was inches away from his face. Taking a candle, Andrew lit it, and blew fire all around the chandelair. The room was now bright and cheerful. Elizabeth could see every painting and every piece of furniture in the room.

"That's better," she said, softly.

"Indeed, it is." They gazed at each other for a moment and then he made his way back downstairs. The bookcase returned to the wall and Elizabeth was still amazed by what just happened.

"Don't tell anyone of what just happened. It'll spoil the effect if someone other than ourselves is to know," Andrew joked, smiling.

"Aye,"

Time went by. Andrew had donned his easel and Elizabeth had perfected a still posture. They were staring intently at each other, their eyes becoming mirrors and Andrew painted. It was when Elizabeth absently sighed that he decided to strike up a conversation.

"Do you like my other portraits?"

"Yes, they are quite beautiful. You have an eye for elegance."

"I can not take full credit for everything. Sometimes what I paint provides me all the beauty I need."

There was silence again and he smiled.

"I suppose we're supposed to talk about the weather and how the company was today." Elizabeth offered.

"We shall talk about those things. But they are such trivial topics, do not you agree?" he asked, focusing on his paper.

"How are they trivial?"

"Well, suppose you say that you enjoyed the party but the latter was disagreeable. And the weather hasn't been all that pleasant, so we're at a lost there.

Elizabeth stifled a chuckle.

"You must be a scholar in the art of conversation, Mr. Garrison. I don't think I'll speak any longer,"

"Please, I couldn't bare not to hear your voice."

It was strange how their moments were always marred by silence. Again, her cheeks flushed and then Andrew stopped painting. Elizabeth enjoyed being here with someone who didn't judge her so freely. As he put down his brush and sat back in his chair, she wondered what was going through his mind. Did he enjoy her company as well or was it the latter?

"I have run far too long from this. For once I want to stop and feel this life," he whispered, rising from his chair. Before she could ask what he meant, he was across the room, standing in front of her.

"Come to me, my dear. I must confess something that will either harm your ears or flutter your heart. From the moment I saw you, I fell in love with you. Elizabeth, please be mine." Whoa!!!! Andrew, sure doesn’t beat around the bush, does he? All right, for this, Angel, I felt very forced. Instead of saying this, have something more romantic like: “I can’t bare to not kiss you here tonight!” or “Your are too beautiful for your own good, Elizabeth” and they share a kiss, or something like that. Love is too much at this point Wink

Her voice was pulled out of body and soon it floated around in the air, mocking her silence. This was a rather abrupt and awkward situation. A man didn't make his feelings known unless he was sure the lady felt the same way. Besides, they had only just met and Elizabeth, as Hatty said, was already coveted by another man.

I love Andrew! I’m not sure what it is about him but he is just so cute! Very Happy lol

Please don’t give up on this, Angel! I look forward to the future installments!

I have also wanted to say this for a long time, but your signature at the end of all your work is so cool! And you made that up yourself? Very sweet! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 2:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wonderful as always, Angel. Some small things, which I think Ashleylee took care of beautifully.

The major concern, for me, is that it seems like everything is happening so fast. Especially in terms of Elizabeth and her relationships. Love at first sight is much rarer than most of us would like to believe. Expanding her falling for Andrew and her relationship with Mr. Harvey would do wonders for this piece, I think.

It doesn't even have to be much, just a short summary of them meeting one or two times after the initial would suffice. I'd just like to see more body to the relationships, instead of simply falling in love over a single evening.

~Annie
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 6:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I decided to break Part 8 into two parts so I'm leaving the readers with a cliffhanger, so to speak.

~Edited~

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 9:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Angel-
What?! Is Edward and Andrew going to fight? Oh, now I remember who Andrew is. And he's the one who's painting Lizzie. Got it.
Uh, okay. Maxine is totally drunk, and it's hilarious. I laughed when I read that part.
For a second, I thought Andrew was going to lean down and kiss Lizzie. But that's my thoughts going crazy. Rolling Eyes
No!!! I don't want cliffhangers. I have to read more. Now. *off to read*
-Merry

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This thread was created on September 28, 2008

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