Topic ID: 36592
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| should i continue? |
| yes |
|
55% |
[ 5 ] |
| no |
|
22% |
[ 2 ] |
| maybe so? |
|
22% |
[ 2 ] |
|
| Total Votes : 9 |
|
| Author |
Message |
ATreeah
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 139
Reviews: 4
Country: wherever i want it to be
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: Destinies Entwined ch.1. The story of Neil |
 |
|
As a kid is biking down the sidewalk he is late as usual. As he bikes past “Big Ted’s Noodle explosion take out” an old fat man yelled at him “Dammit Neil stay stay off freaking sidewalk it’s for paying customers only not for crazy teen aged bum’s like you” as Neil rode off all he said was “sorry Ted I’m late for school” then Ted mumbled under his breath “your always late for something kid someday…it’ll catch up to you in a bad way”. So as Neil biked away not hearing you Ted’s warning so he could not heed his warning he rode off and out of the china town district the district he his called home he thought he would take a short cut to try to catch up on time by taking a short cut….
So as he rode his bike past an area where there were handfuls of Lord Zeffrins oppression police forces. So Neil being the genius that he is decided to spit on one of the posters of Lord Zeffrin so as a result as soon as he did that a police dagger cam flying by and just missed him but it did rattle him enough to jump of his bike and as soon as he did that he found himself surrounded by Zeffrins forces well Neil unlike other people has the potential to be a great hero… “Hey kid what the hell do you think you were doing?” said an officer as he punched Neil right in the face knocking him back on his butt then to more picked him up and held him still well the first one started punching him until the police forces received some sort of message from a 2 way radio and then the officers dropped him and left…
As I said Neil has the potential to be a great hero it’s just…he doesn't quite know it yet.So he picked up his bike and left his short cut had made him five minutes later. So then he started biking faster and faster he didn't even realize how fast he was going. He may have even made it on time until he saw a man in the gutter begging for food. Then Neil remembered his special lunch that he made because he wanted to give some to a girl her liked in a hope to impress her. But when he saw that man sitting in that gutter begging for food something deep inside told him to give that man food so that the bum could at least eat something. Some people would have called that human decency; some people would call that kindness, or empathy, but in this case it was a higher power then Neil, then that bum, or even their ruler Lord Zeffrin…it was destiny.
Because you see today was destined to happen since his birth, since his first steps, when his parents were killed and Mr. Bain took him in, since he fell in love with Abbey and after all that this was destined to happen. He was destined to meet this bum along with several other certain people…but I’ll get to those later. So anyways back to Neil…as Neil walked over to the bum destiny struck he was hit by another person biking he was knocked down next to the man in the gutter and his lunch flew out of his hands and into a sewer drain it was ruined then Neil being one of a calm nature handed this with grace and a cool head…He tweaked out then he heard someone standing next to him it was the biker and right when he was going to start yelling he saw her face and it was Abbey…You know the girl he loved...? Destiny is rarely gentle but even so it works very well.[u] |
_________________
ATreeah was here
Last edited by ATreeah on Mon Sep 29, 2008 5:57 pm; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 23 Sep 2006
Posts: 1993
Reviews: 178
Country: Where Love is Lost
3 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:03 am Post subject: |
|
|
| it was short, but what exactly did the title have to do with the story? Oh well carry on. |
_________________
My name is Max
I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead |
|
| Back to top |
|
ATreeah
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 139
Reviews: 4
Country: wherever i want it to be
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:32 pm Post subject: well |
|
|
| It is coming up ive only written out about 4 chapters and this is the only one ive found time to type up so far. |
_________________
ATreeah was here |
|
| Back to top |
|
BlnkErik
Novice
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 24 Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Reviews: 1
Country: Canada
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Interesting...
Very interesting... |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
ATreeah
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 139
Reviews: 4
Country: wherever i want it to be
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Uhh just puttin it out there but... YOU CAN CRITIQUE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! INFACT YOU ARE ENCOURAGED TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
_________________
ATreeah was here |
|
| Back to top |
|
xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 6:47 pm Post subject: :D |
|
|
Wow! i cant wait to see what happens... i think you needed to add some commas though cus if i tried to read it out load i would probably pass out!  and i think the beginning needs to be a bit clearer too, just some more descriptions, you know, what country he lives in
I loved it though, the last paragraph was great, i was hanging off my seat - it pulled the reader in
great work - loved it - write more!
gracey x |
_________________
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts |
|
| Back to top |
|
ATreeah
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 139
Reviews: 4
Country: wherever i want it to be
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 6:49 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| im working on my grammer, and i dont exactley know what country he lives in yet or the time frame for a matter of fact |
_________________
ATreeah was here |
|
| Back to top |
|
Nutty
The Red Dragon Druid
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 809
Reviews: 144
Country: Aotearoa New Zealand
927 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 3:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
Interesting.... Hmm...
| Quote: |
| As a kid is biking down the sidewalk he is late as usual. As he bikes past “Big Ted’s Noodle explosion take out” an old fat man yelled at him |
Okay, I don't particularly like how this starts. Try a more impacting sentence, "as a kid is biking...." Is a bit weak. Plus, two sentences next to each other starts with 'as'
Try- A kid is biking down a sidewalk. He is late as usual.
or - A kid is biking down a sidewalk; he is late as usual.
Still not great, but it flows better.
| Quote: |
| “Dammit Neil stay stay off freaking sidewalk it’s for paying customers only not for crazy teen aged bum’s like you” |
Try editing it to something like this-
"Dammit, Neil! Stay off the freaking sidewalk, it's for paying customers, not for crazy teen bums like you!"
See how punctuation breaks it up, makes it easy to read and improves the flow?
And also, you only use an apostrophe if a) it is separating the word from a shortened word, such as 'is' Eg The cat is= the cat's
Or it is a possessive= the cat is playing with the dogs toy= the cat's playing with the dog's toy.
The only exception is it, where the possessive rule does not a apply. Eg the cat is playing with its toy.
| Quote: |
| As he bikes past “Big Ted’s Noodle explosion take out” an old fat man yelled at him “Dammit Neil stay stay off freaking sidewalk it’s for paying customers only not for crazy teen aged bum’s like you” as Neil rode off all he said was “sorry Ted I’m late for school” then Ted mumbled under his breath “your always late for something kid someday…it’ll catch up to you in a bad way” |
That is one long sentence!
I would re write it like this-
As he bikes past “Big Ted’s Noodle explosion take out” an old fat man yelled at him "Dammit, Neil! Stay off the freaking sidewalk, it's for paying customers, not for crazy teen bums like you!"
Neil didn't stop, yelling “sorry Ted I’m late for school”
Ted mumbled under his breath “you're always late for something, kid... someday it’ll catch up to you in a bad way.”
| Quote: |
| So as Neil biked away not hearing you Ted’s warning so he could not heed his warning he rode off and out of the china town district the district he his called home he thought he would take a short cut to try to catch up on time by taking a short cut… |
Am I reading double? Try not to repeat yourself in the same sentence.
If you take out the double up on information, it reads like this:
So as (as again? wait, I'll change that...)
Not hearing Ted's warning, Neil biked away. He rode off and out of the china town district, his home district, thinking he would take a short cut to try and catch up on time.
Shorter, more direct, and easier to read, no?
One thing that is very good to remember- one idea, one sentence. Two ideas, two sentences.
| Quote: |
| So Neil being the genius that he is decided to spit on one of the posters of Lord Zeffrin so as a result as soon as he did that a police dagger cam flying by and just missed him but it did rattle him enough to jump of his bike and as soon as he did that he found himself surrounded by Zeffrins forces well Neil unlike other people has the potential to be a great hero |
Again, this should be a paragraph, not a sentence.
'So' again? 'So' is redundant. In almost every case, you could get rid of it, along with 'so as' and the sentence would be improved, and still make sense.
| Quote: |
“Hey kid what the hell do you think you were doing?” said an officer as he punched Neil right in the face knocking him back on his butt then to more picked him up and held him still well the first one started punching him until the police forces received some sort of message from a 2 way radio and then the officers dropped him and left…
|
"Hey, kid, what the hell do you think you are doing?" An officer punched Neil right in the face, knocking him back on his butt. Picking the kid up, he held him still while the other officer hit him repeatedly, knocking the breath out of Neil's lungs. The officer's radio beeped, and they dropped him and left.
| Quote: |
| As I said Neil has the potential to be a great hero it’s just…he doesn't quite know it yet. |
I'm not sure I like the personal quality of this. Just an opinion.
Overall, work on your grammar, experiment with punctuation, and break up your paragraphs.
Remember, 'so' and 'so as' are redundant, don't use them, especially at the start of a sentence! And
one idea, one sentence. More the one idea in a sentence? Then change it into two.
With tweaking, the plot seems fine, and this could be a interesting story. Keep working on it and keep writing!
PM me if you have any questions ^^ |
_________________
"Please never have a character laugh mischievously, or cry sadly, or I shall have to hit you with a wet fish." -Brigid Lowry
Need a review?- http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37478.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
ATreeah
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 139
Reviews: 4
Country: wherever i want it to be
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:03 am Post subject: |
|
|
| incase you curious LITs who stumbled apon this site the characters a based on a few of you lits i know stupid right?...but u cant blame me for being inspired by my friends. |
_________________
ATreeah was here |
|
| Back to top |
|
BlnkErik
Novice
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 24 Sep 2008
Posts: 13
Reviews: 1
Country: Canada
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 1:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Despite my shorter comment earlier, I believe I will now give some proper criticism.
The very first sentence "As a kid is biking down the sidewalk he is late as usual." is not described as distinct as it could be. Maybe you can try rearranging the sentence, to something like "A kid was biking down the sidewalk; he was late as usual." or adding setting to it by making it "As the blistering sun poured heat across the dry roads, a young boy, as tardy as he usually was, biked down the sidewalk towards the school."
Take this format and modify other sentences in your story. If you do this, and practice, you can eventually make a great story!
Good luck... if you need any assistance with spelling, grammar, or anything in the form of writing, ask me (be it through person, or over the forum). |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
ATreeah
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 139
Reviews: 4
Country: wherever i want it to be
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 1:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| im fine with spelling erik and with all due respect you kinda drowned the story in detail |
_________________
ATreeah was here |
|
| Back to top |
|
peanut19
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 16 Oct 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 14
494 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 3:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
it was a good story and i think Nutty got all the grammar mistakes. I'm just wondering why a teenage boy would stop on his way to school, when he was already late, and give a beggar his lunch that just doesn't seem very realistic. If i were him i wouldn't , but hey its your story not mine. your hero guy could even turn out to be another robin hood for all i know. Also about that poll at the top i think you should keep writing this story!
~peanut~ |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
JillardtheInvincible
New Member
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 16 Oct 2008
Posts: 2
Reviews: 0
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 10:34 pm Post subject: Review via me |
|
|
| Very interesting; it draws you in very well. I ecspecially like the last paragraph. Write more! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
ATreeah
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Posts: 139
Reviews: 4
Country: wherever i want it to be
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 2:11 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| ive got like the next 3 chapters made im just workin on somthin else right now |
_________________
ATreeah was here |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
KJ
She moves in mysterious ways...
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 644
Reviews: 466
Country: USA
170 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey ATreeah.
So I finally got around to taking a look at some of your work. While I do think the storyline is interesting, and it has a lot of potential, you're right - your grammar needs work.
Because I only have twetny minutes left before I have to get to my third hour, I'm just going to show you a BEFORE and AFTER with the first paragraph, the AFTER being my effect on the piece.
Here goes.
BEFORE:
| Quote: |
| As a kid is biking down the sidewalk he is late as usual. As he bikes past “Big Ted’s Noodle explosion take out” an old fat man yelled at him “Dammit Neil stay stay off freaking sidewalk it’s for paying customers only not for crazy teen aged bum’s like you” as Neil rode off all he said was “sorry Ted I’m late for school” then Ted mumbled under his breath “your always late for something kid someday…it’ll catch up to you in a bad way”. So as Neil biked away not hearing you Ted’s warning so he could not heed his warning he rode off and out of the china town district the district he his called home he thought he would take a short cut to try to catch up on time by taking a short cut…. |
AFTER:
| Quote: |
As a kid biked down the sidewalk, he glanced at his watch, knowing that he was late again. He passed Big Ted’s Noodle Explosion Take Out, and an old fat man yelled at him: “Dammit Neil, stay stay off freaking sidewalk! It’s for paying customers, not for teenage bum’s like you!”
Neil kept going. “Sorry Ted. I’m late for school.”
Ted mumbled under his breath, “You're always late for something, kid. Someday…it’ll catch up to you in a bad way."
Not having heard Ted's warning, Neil continued out of the china town district, the district he his called home.
I'll take a short cut, he thought wearily, turning the handlebars of his beat-up, old bike in the direction of a narrow alley. |
|
_________________
I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html
An author in his book must be like God in the universe, present everywhere and visible nowhere ~Gustave Flaubert |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
