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[Male/Bene]volence
[Male/Bene]volence

by Raimunda in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on September 28, 2008
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Related Items
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Untouched Ch 1
Untouched Ch. 2
Untouched Ch 3
Untouched Ch 4
Untouched Ch 5
Untouched Ch 6
Untouched Ch 7
Untouched Ch 8
Untouched ch 9
Untouched ch 10
Untouched ch 11
Untouched ch 12
Untouched ch 13
Untouched ch 14
Untouched ch 16
Untouched ch 17
Untouched ch 18
Untouched ch 19
Untouched ch 20
Untouched ch 22
Untouched ch 23
Untouched ch 24
Untouched Ch 25
Untouched-Epilogue

Untouched ch 15

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jasmine12   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:01 pm    Post subject: Untouched ch 15 Reply with quote

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm changing a few things. Heather's name is now Onyx and Damien is just Nigel...it was getting confusing to go back and forth all throughout the story...confuseing me. Okay, well on we go....

Chapter Fifteen

“So, who’s Sebastian?” I asked, forgetting that little detail.

I had sat back on the bed, but across from Jasper. I couldn’t be near him now, it was too awkward.

“He is the eldest in Nigel’s coven, the one who changed them all. Didn’t you hear what—”

I didn’t let him finish. “There are more?” I asked, skeptically. Damien had conveniently kept this from me.

Jasper looked down at his hands. “Yes, but I was hoping we could talk about us for a while. So much has been going on lately; we haven’t been able to talk about something I feel is important.”

“Oh,” I breathed. “What is that?”

He let out a sharp sigh. “I don’t want this to end, Genevieve. We have only just started to fall in love and now I may never see you again.” He threw himself back on my pillows and covered his face with his arm. “I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I’m not ready to say good-bye.” His voice grew softer and softer as he spoke. “It’s like I always have to say good-bye to the ones that I love. First Sue, now you.”

Which reminded me, “I’m not Sue,” I said, repeating what Damien had said.

He whipped his arm down and sat up on his elbows in one quick movement. “She was just a friend, Genevieve. She had never made me feel like this.” He moved toward me, but I didn’t protest. “You have woken something in me that has been buried deep for so long. Before you, my life was meaningless. Days went by in a dull blur. You have sparked the very essence of my being. I know this may sound a bit corny, but you have completed my life. I love you.”

My eyes teared then. I sat in his lap as he cradled me like a baby. With the crying, I probably looked like one. When I couldn’t see anymore, I hid my face in his chest. He didn’t say anything, he just let me sob.

I could see our future. He would turn into a monster and go away for a while. When it was good for him again, to be this close to me again, he would come back. I would have aged by then. I would be older. I shuddered at that thought and my mindset changed to something worse than age, being alone.

I burst into sobs again and just pulled Jasper closer to me. The space seemed to be growing, but that was just in my mind. Jasper didn’t question my behavior; he just held me on the bed and let me ruin his shirt with my running makeup.

It was to easy to see myself finishing school, going to college, living life completely alone. I’d age alone. I’d be a bitter old woman alone. All because I would be waiting for Jasper to come and rescue me. He is who I loved and after loving him, no one would compare. I’d be alone for him.

He went stiff for a moment, and then he lifted me easily and put me down in front of him. Everything in his eyes had changed. His face was serious, teeth clenched, eyebrows creased. “This isn’t working out, Genevieve. I don’t want to say good-bye but it’s something that has to be done. I’ve spent to long trapped in this god forsaken house. I can’t stand it anymore!” He brushed his finger across my cheek. “Good-bye, my love.”

Without another word, he stood up and walked out my bedroom door. He left me gazing at my wall with my mouth open looking completely dumbfounded.

Slowly I reached up to my cheek. “Bye,” I whispered.

I couldn’t understand how it happened, but it did. Sebastian came to my house late that night. Damien had let him in the door, which went against everything I knew about vampires. I thought vampires couldn’t come in another’s house unless invited. I shrugged it off and met them both in the foyer.

“Hello, Miss. Caine. I have heard so much about you.”

Sebastian was a wondrous creature. He was beautiful yet creepy at the same time. He had an English accent that made my mouth water. He was young, well, his body was young enough to pull off twenty five. He had short brown hair and pale features. Like Damien, he had luscious eyes that made you want to melt in the very spot you stood in. Sebastian was tall and robust, very robust.

My mind went fuzzy for a moment. He stared at me, questioning my sanity for I was staring. I shook my head. “Hi.” I managed to say


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"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched


Last edited by jasmine12 on Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:51 pm; edited 1 time in total
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
I want the friction...
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That is such a sad story, Jasmine. You did it was such intensity, such imagery that I was speechless. It was all so real and horrible. I feel so bad for Jessica. I just can't imagine what she was feeling at that point. And to have Jasper change her..wouldn't she lust for blood? You should go into more detail about that.

Also, you should show Genna's emotions more. There were too few of them. Have more gasps or comments from her throughout the telling.

The ending, too, was abrupt. I felt that you ended at an odd point. Maybe have Jessica answer it and then end it then, leave it at more a suspenseful moment...?

Well, this was a very passionate piece and I just can't wait to read chapter 16!

Keep on writing, jasmine! Very Happy

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Night Mistress   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jessica's story is indeed very harsh.

and setbstain was sweet enough to take care of her.

i agree with Ash that you should have more of genna's emotions in there.

i can't wait for the next chapter. post again soon.

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Elizabeth Gray of Poison Love.
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jessica's story is indeed very harsh.

and setbstain was sweet enough to take care of her.

i agree with Ash that you should have more of genna's emotions in there.

i can't wait for the next chapter. post again soon.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 11:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OMG I LOVE THIS STORY! You're such a good writer! Great imagination!

Well, in some of your sentences the begginng of your words the letters are capitalized. You might want to re-read it and fix it. You also have that in the two chapters before this one.

Otherwise this is rlly good! Please PM when you put up chapter 16!
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jasmine-
First off, I am so sorry that I'm so behind with your story Untouched.
Anyway, here I go...
I had no idea that Jessica and Heather were vampires. That totally shocked me. I was all like...whoa. No way.
The letter that Jasper wrote was really sweet and I felt like he expressed his feelings, enough.
The story behind Jessica was really depressing and sad. You just think things like that back then never happened but they did.
I do agree with Ashley and Bri that you could add emotions here and there from Genna. How does she feel about the story of Jessica? Did she pity her or felt revenge because of those men? Just adding little feelings and emotions through out the story would show how Genna feels about all of this.
I can't think of anything else. If I do I'll pm you.
I can't wait for the next chapters!! Very Happy
Remember to pm me when you do.
-Merry

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