Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
The Edge of the World; Prologue - Chapter 3
The Edge of the World; Prologue - Chapter 3

by Explosive_Pen in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on September 28, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


I l-o-v-e y-o-u {EDITED} Goto page 1, 2  Next

Topic ID: 36582
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
moon jumper   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

10
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Aug 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 10
Country: first star to the right and straight on til morning
697 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 2:31 pm    Post subject: I l-o-v-e y-o-u {EDITED} Reply with quote

{UNDER CONSTRUCTION}

~~~

Ella?

“Yes Barry?”

Remember the time I first saw you?

Ella laughed, “Yes Barry, I do,”

And I didn’t know how to talk to you, so I wrote on your hand?

“Yes, you were a shy little thing.”

And we became best friends, grew up, had families, but still kept in touch?

“Of course, Barry, but I don’t need a history lesson,” Ella smiled.

Well, are we still friends?

“Barry! You crazy old geezer! We’re still friends! We’ll always be best friends!”

Always?

“Yes,”

What if I said I accidentally let out Stripes, the cat your father gave to you on your ninth birthday, and she never came back?

“Even then, Barry,”

Well I did.

“I forgive you. Besides, I'm allergic to cats...”

What if we die tomorrow?

“Then I'll see you in heaven.”

What if I never asked you the question I've wanted to ask?

“Ask away,”

If you had your sight back, what would you want to see?

Ella thought for a second, leaned back in the rocker, and closed her eyes, “I would like to see your smile.”

There has to be something else! Like, Washington D.C.! Or, or, the Statue of Liberty!

“Nope, I would just want to see you.”

But your grandchildren, your children, and friends and family!

“My family is far away. And my friends are stuck in assisted living like us. No, I would want to see you and no one else.”

Why me?

“You’ve been my eyes ever since the first day we met , and I am eternally grateful.”

Thank you, Ella.

“No, thank you, Barry,”

They sat, rocking on a shaded porch, thinking and dreaming until Ella asked:

“Barry?”

Yes, Ella?

“If you could speak again, what would you say?”

I would say how I have loved you ever since I met you in second grade.

“Nothing else?”

Nothing.

“Why did you bring up all of this?”

I wanted to ask you something.

“Why didn’t you ask earlier silly?”

I was nervous.

“I understand, Barry, but, please ask,”

Would you marry me?

“Barry!” Ella turned in his direction.

Nevermind.

“No! I will marry you!”

Not just because I asked?

“No, Barry, I’ve waited for you to ask ever since we got out of college.”

I wasn’t sure.

“Are you sure now?”

With you, I am positively sure.

“Even if we are married one day?”

That one day would last a lifetime.

“I love you, Barry,”

I love you too, Ella.

They leaned towards each other, and hugged. And after Barry slipped the plain ring on Ella's finger, he spelled: Thank you for helping me find my voice, Ella; and you, the love of my life.


_________________
All days are nights to see till I see thee, And nights bright days when dreams do show thee to me.

William Shakespeare, "Sonnet XLIII"


Last edited by moon jumper on Fri Oct 31, 2008 8:29 pm; edited 4 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
olivia1987uk   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

164
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 21
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 164

392 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will review it, not that there's much to comment on, but usually we have a 2:1 review ratio so....start reviewing!!!!!!!!

I liked the way you spelt out the words and things, made thing seem all the more realy but I thought maybe it would be more emotive if you kept this a secret until the end....kept the audience guessing....just a thought

_________________
Olivia
xxx
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36697.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
bisquit   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

64
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

this was really beautifully written. Smile
the point you made is so clear and well thought out.
it was such a touching piece of writing.
sweet, lovely and delicate,
not much more to say really.
well done!
bisquit
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Suzanne   View This User's Portfolio
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend

1754
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7088
Reviews: 1754
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1160 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
W-h-a-t i-f I s-a-i-d I a-c-c-i-d-e-n-t-a-l-l-y l-e-t o-u-t S-t-r-i-p-e-s, a-n-d s-h-e n-e-v-e-r c-a-m-e b-a-c-k?


This is incredebly distracting and annoying. Instead, do it like this. Because the dashes are really annoying.

_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
miyaviloves   View This User's Portfolio
Love me less but love me a long time.
Speaker of the Forum

560
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 832
Reviews: 560
Country: England
352 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Please review two other pieces of work before you post your own stuff.

Anyway, like Suzanne said that writing got really annoying and towards the end I just skipped it, which well obviously took away from the story.

I don't know what to say really. It wasn't a story as such and ended suddenly. If it is a short piece then at least give it the thought and care you would a novel, I didn't really get anything from the characters, and yes its sad they died the day after the wedding, but nice they were happy I was a bit like...oh ok.

Sorry if that came off harsh but I generally found this difficult to read and well didn;t enjoy it. try to elaborte on it, and maybe add a little more depth, allow the reader to connect to the characters more.

Meevs

_________________
Je crains que pour tout ça tu doives entendre je t'aime.

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
silverSUNLIGHTx   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

13
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 09 Sep 2008
Posts: 478
Reviews: 13
Country: the land of the free and home of the brave.
496 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this. I thought it was really good and thoughtful. The love between two best friends that comes out when they're very old was touching. And how you explained everything at the end great.
Although the dash thing was a bit hard to read I think it was the best way to do it.
"W-h-a-t i-f I s-a-i-d I a-c-c-i-d-e-n-t-a-l-l-y l-e-t o-u-t S-t-r-i-p-e-s, a-n-d s-h-e n-e-v-e-r c-a-m-e b-a-c-k?

“Even then, Barry,”

W-e-l-l I d-i-d."
This part was a bit confusing, who is Stripes?
A cat, a bird, a zebra?
Either elaborate on that or just take it out, I don't think it really contributes to the story.
Hope I helped.
-jade.

_________________
A writer and nothing else: a man alone in a room with the English language, trying to get human feelings right. ~John K. Hutchens
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
tnme22   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

80
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Posts: 303
Reviews: 80
Country: USA
1057 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought this was a really sweet story. It's already been said but I would italicize what Barry says because that makes it a lot easier to read.
All in all it was cute but kind of confusing at parts.
Nice job! (Go review at least two things!) Very Happy

-Carly

_________________
Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting. From the grave You've risen. Victoriously! Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross You are the truth, You are the light, You are the way.
~Proud Christian~
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
JordanEmert   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

13
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 14 Sep 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 13
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

awe. That story was beautiful. I have tears in my eyes. But anyways, I like how you ended this, Ella and Barry taught us a lesson but I'll leave that for you to figure out. Very mysterious, I thought that was absolutely perfect. Keep Writing!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
dommy65   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

58
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 18 May 2008
Posts: 138
Reviews: 58
Country: USA
324 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awww this was so cute! I love the little part about the cat, it was sweet. Sorry this review is pretty much pointless!! Smile

~Dommy

_________________
I said your eyes, they say nothing
So you can't stop me
On summer days like these
I said words they mean nothing
So you can't hurt me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
October Girl   View This User's Portfolio
We're gonna do this October style
Master of the Forum

178
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 23 Sep 2006
Posts: 1993
Reviews: 178
Country: Where Love is Lost
3 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[quote="dommy65"]Awww this was so cute! I love the little part about the cat, it was sweet. Sorry this review is pretty much pointless!! Smile

~Dommy[/quote]

lol same here I loved it

_________________
My name is Max
I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
wombat   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

11
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 11
Country: UK
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Awww this was so cute! I love the little part about the cat, it was sweet. Sorry this review is pretty much pointless!!

~Dommy

lol same here I loved it


I third that =)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Aet Lindling   View This User's Portfolio
the Antitwilight.
Speaker of the Forum

141
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 100
Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 740
Reviews: 141
Country: Careful, if I come into contact with idiocy I'll cause annihilation!
0 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 10:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You need to write 2 reviews because of the 2:1 review:work rule. (Does anyone read the Rules before posting anymore?)

This was okay in the beginning and middle, but the last paragraphs:

Quote:
They leaned towards each other, and hugged. And after Barry slipped the plain ring on Ella's finger, he spelled: Thank you for helping me find my voice, Ella; and you, the love of my life.

Love can shy. Love can be crazy. But, in this case, Love is blind and mute, literally.

At the after-party of the couple’s wedding, Barry spelled to Ella, I could die tomorrow a happy man. Ella just nodded, she understood.

Ella and Barry died the day after their wedding from old age. Both were smiling.

They both were buried together, and on their gravestone said, In death we shall not part.

Though missed dearly, Ella and Barry have taught us a special lesson.

But, I’ll just leave it to you to figure it out…


were jolting and not all that good. Either phrase it all differently or take it out. I'd be in favor of taking it out, because it feels weird to suddenly jump from a dialog-only piece to a narrative piece. Besides, your narrating feels stilted and cliched.

In the same note,

Ella smiled

They sat, rocking on a shaded porch, thinking and dreaming until Ella asked:

Ella turned in his direction.

should all go. They aren't necessary to the story, and they cut into what should just be a dialog-only piece.

_________________
"His skin literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare."

'Nuff said, amirite? Twihater yay.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
chichi   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

57
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 62
Reviews: 57
Country: Australia
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now that you have edited it, I'm sure I must have much less to say.

Quote:
Love can shy.


Don't you mean love can be shy? Maybe you mean that it can shy as in the verb. You need to make it clearer.

That's the only grammatical mistake I found. I realise this is supposed to be a really heart-warming and beautiful poem, but you didn't pull it off to me. The bit about Stripes is a bit of what I mean, but the way she just dismisses it ruins it. You need to show the familiarity between the characters to us. Yes, you told us thy were in school together. But they need to become characters we care about. I can't care about two people I don't know the relationship between. I think the "I love you" part is rushed. You could have used descriptive language to show, or even hint at, how they feel about each other.

I'm sure you want to seem really meaningful without saying too much, but this is too little. Maybe this idea would be better in a poem?

_________________
Smart signatures are all off Google.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
wewinwelose   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

40
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 84
Reviews: 40

248 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 12:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

that was ...good...confusing...i didnt understand what was going on at first and i didnt understand if he was a figment of her imagination or if she was his or what but after the end note i understood a little better....it was still kinda iffy but it was good anyways nice work

_________________
<3 ~Keep it up! ~ <3
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger
Gee   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

24
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 18 Aug 2008
Posts: 42
Reviews: 24

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 7:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If i offend you with my comment, then sorry because i don't mean to!
This was OK- I liked the bit about how Ella couldn't see and Barry couldn't speak, that was interesting- but it was a bit plain.
It was just a piece of writing about a woman accepting a marriage proposal.
I know you've added a bit of a background about how they met and about the cat etc but I think you should add more detail- maybe about how they actually met or about how each of them lost their voice/sight?
Add more details of their life together in it, and make it a bit more interesting. Its a good idea, but not very interesting at the moment.

_________________
The pupil who is never required to do what he cannot do never does what he can do.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them as much.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on September 28, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on September 28, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. - Jules de Gaultier
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society