Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  
The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
  Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
What is this feeling?
What is this feeling?
by picklebuddy7 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 27, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic		 Digg It Del.icio.us


Heart in the Wind #1

Topic ID: 36542
 View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Blink   View This User's Portfolio
I think therefore I Blink.
Novelist

53
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 13 Jul 2008
Posts: 402
Reviews: 53
Country: Where the people dwell.
849 Points
PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 5:41 pm    Post subject: Heart in the Wind #1 Reply with quote

A Note: This is a start for my novel, a completely different narrative style. It's one of those things that I look back at and think... this is really bad. But other days, I kinda like it. Please be harsh, and this part is a flashback, so imagine it's italicised Wink Thanks in advance! Also, ignore the annoying names Razz

Chapter One: Part I

... oh my. Did I post this?

_________________
Check out my blog.

Beggar's Dystopia--4,000 words down!

Last edited by Blink on Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Maki-Chan   View This User's Portfolio
Ganbaru! I will do my best!
Master of the Forum

265
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Nov 2007
Posts: 2110
Reviews: 265
Country: USA
343 Points
PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
umm... Well I have to point out one thing. You are quite the artist with words; however I am not used to this kind of writting. The only thing I can think of that is similar to this is "The Oddessey". I had some trouble figureing out what was happening in the beginning, but i think it has to do something with a 'raid'? Or maybe... I am not too sure. I just think that something attacked that place and burned it to the ground and killed most of the poeple. I have to ask, is this a prologue or just some random thing you wanted to post? This (to me) seems like a prologue to an (Old world) book. Once again you like to paint with words (alot), but you have to keep it under control because I had a somewhat hard time understanding what was happening.

As far as I know there are not any spelling or grammar problems (But what the hell do I know I suck at grammar and spelling).

The plot seems interesting and I would not mind finding out more of what is happening, like...Who attacked the village (i think its a village), why did they attack it, and who is Dalumi? How does he fit into the plot? Stuff like that.

_________________
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
Robert Heinlein (1907 - 1988), "Job", 1984

http://maki121.deviantart.com/
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Blink   View This User's Portfolio
I think therefore I Blink.
Novelist

53
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 13 Jul 2008
Posts: 402
Reviews: 53
Country: Where the people dwell.
849 Points
PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Thanks Maki-Chan!

It's actually a forest, but what's fantastic about getting thoughts on other people is that is shows me how bad I indicate things. I had better make that clearer, so thanks again!

Oh and yes, it's the start of the book (Chapter One Smile )

_________________
Check out my blog.

Beggar's Dystopia--4,000 words down!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

32
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Aug 2008
Posts: 194
Reviews: 32
Country: South Africa
123 Points
PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Quote:
The lake before him glistened and the waves lashed upon the willows, but that was it.


You talk like you've mentioned the lake before, but you haven't. Rather mention it's name before, then after that you can refer to it as the lake.

Quote:
Even as he twisted to face Fingrolf’s’ empty face, the course of figures springing from he mist drew him to dismay


How do the figures look? Are they human?


Quote:
Panting, a shape appeared, a figure, a face, and now closing, raising, blurring, sword high—


Again, how does the face look, you don't have to describe it detailed, but just a form.

Also, you never tell us how the landscape looks except wooded, and ablaze. Was it grass, loose sand...leaves?

But I still do like it so far...

_________________
Don't juge a book by it's cover.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37432.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on September 27, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic		    Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on September 27, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society