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Beginning of a story
Beginning of a story

by savetheoceans in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on September 26, 2008
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Where it Hurts

Topic ID: 36514
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winie603   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 11
Joined: 04 Apr 2007
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 10:01 pm    Post subject: Where it Hurts Reply with quote

This is the prologue for Where it Hurts

“You have three minutes. Attention! Three minutes until the examination will be collected!” she was wearing a pink hat with some kind of feather sticking out and stilettos that went “click, click, click”.

I groaned. I had been sitting here for nearly two hours, like a dummy, yes, a dummy. Who sits on their butt, (that’s very cold by the way), on some ancient chair, to do a test? A very, super duper, boring, test.

One name comes in my mind: Natalie Goodman. Which is, by the way, me, and since the last time I checked, Natalie Goodman does not like sitting on ancient chairs, with her two butt cheeks being very, very cold, doing at test. A hard test that explodes peoples brains, and then puts the rest on fire (if there is any).

So, what the heck am I doing here? Yes, that’s the question I would like to be answered, but the thing is, it’s not. And, I am assuming, you’d like many questions to be answered, as well.

It all started out… two weeks ago. When my mom comes over, while I’m having a perfectly good breakfast with a banana, and a waffle (the ones with blueberries), and says, “Hey, you should start on those magnet program essays, okay?”

NO!! THAT IS NOT OKAY! YOU HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD ME ABOUT THIS THINGY, WHATEVER IT IS! “Sure. I’ll start after breakfast.” Done, finished, period. No more questions. My life. Yeah, my life’s pretty much a big period, a big THE END.

So… yeah. And that’s how I got to be here. In this room, doing this test. “Attention! Attention! The examination is over, please pass your papers to Mr. Reed, or myself."

I heard pencils furiously scribbling on papers, I heard ruffles of papers being collected, I heard people greeting their parents - one of them asked if they could now go to the movies. I sat. I looked at my papers.

What did I see? Questions, and answers. I didn't know why I did it, I could of just sat there, but something inside me just screamed “DO IT! DO THE TEST!”.

So, I did it. I did the freaking test. I passed mine in last, and went through the door, into the lobby, where most of the other kids and parents had already left.

“You okay?” my mom asked. I grinned, and thought…



Last edited by winie603 on Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:06 pm; edited 6 times in total
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running_with_the_devil   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 13 Sep 2008
Posts: 29
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300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 10:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh I really like this! There were a few little things I saw though...
Quote:
And, since the last time I checked, Natalie Goodman...

Mmmm I sometimes find myself starting sentences with "and" then my english teacher scolds me.

Quote:
A hard test., that explodes peoples brains, and then puts the rest on fire, (if there is any).

I think there was a bit of puncuation over usage. Hehe. No comma or period after "A hard test" and no comma after "peoples brains" and no comma after "on fire". The one more thing. It should say, "people's brains". I could be mistaken, I'm really not all that good with grammar and puncuation, so my apologies if I am incorrect about this.

But overall, good piece. I really liked it. :] We all know what thats like. Sitting there being consumed by monotony.

Keep writing, I would love to see more from you!

_________________
Trina.
Trina.
Trina.
TRINA!
XD
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Esmé   View This User's Portfolio
consider rephrasing
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

winnie603,

Hello! How’re you on this lovely, lovely day? Because, it’s a fantastic day. An awesome day. I think I’ll start singing ^^ La-la-la-laa la-la!

Anyway, first thing first: Your review count is one, and needs to be two. For every one piece of yours that you post, you have to review to others. It’s in the rules, it’s stickied in the forum. So, you go on and do that (:

As to your story - well, epilogue. Epilogue? Epilogue is after the actual story ends. This looks more like a beginning-introduction, so, prologue? Or am I wrong? But it does look like that to me.

Anyway, I liked how the story flowed, I liked the attitude of the MC and the MC’s narration. That was very cool.

What needs to be improved is dialogue punctuation. Now, I’m not good at explaining, but there’s a lot lot lot of articles on the subject. I’m not messing with your punctuation xD Example (well, among the others):


Quote:
“You have three minutes. Attention! Three minutes until the examination will be collected!”, she

“You have three minutes. Attention! Three minutes until the examination will be collected!” she
No comma.


Quote:
A hard test., that explodes peoples brains, and then puts the rest on fire, (if there is any).

A hard test that explodes peoples brains, and then puts the rest on fire (if there is any).


Quote:
It all starts out… two weeks ago.

Started.


Quote:
and a waffle, (the ones with blueberries),

and a waffle (the ones with blueberries),


Quote:
“Sure. I’ll start after breakfast”.

“Sure. I’ll start after breakfast.”


Quote:
The examination is over, please pass your papers to Mr. Reed, or I”.

“(…) to Mr. Reed or myself.”


Quote:
I heard people greeting their parents, (one of them asked if they could now go to the movies).

I heard people greeting their parents - one of them asked if they could now go to the movies. (Consider?)


Quote:
“You okay?”, my mom asked.

“You okay?” my mom asked.


***

Oooh, though what, hmm?

Fantastic!


Cheers,
Esme

_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy
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dommy65   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 2:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this. The sarcasm and humor were great. The others have caught the little mistakes so I won't repeat them. Smile I liked the way you went on a tangent about the cold seat and how you described little things that didn't really matter all that much, like the blueberry waffles.

Oh and as for the epilogue thing i was just thinking that it was referencing the MC's quote:

Quote:
Yeah, my life’s pretty much a big period, a big THE END


Like you were just adding more sarcasm through the title. But maybe I'm looking way too deeply....

Anywho this is a solid start. I'm very interested. PM me when you post more!

~Dommy Very Happy

_________________
I said your eyes, they say nothing
So you can't stop me
On summer days like these
I said words they mean nothing
So you can't hurt me
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winie603   View This User's Portfolio
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Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 11
Joined: 04 Apr 2007
Posts: 21
Reviews: 1
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 1:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thanks for the reviews Very Happy! I'm going to edit everything and post it again, also I'm going to work on the first chapter, so it'll be posted in a week or so
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This thread was created on September 26, 2008

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