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Kisses in the Rain, Sunsets on the Water
Kisses in the Rain, Sunsets on the Water

by guitargrl1323 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on September 26, 2008
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The Future

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:03 pm    Post subject: The Future Reply with quote

Last tuesday, my high school had a "future day". Naturally, a lot of people interpreted this as an excuse to walk around with tin foil on their heads. So, i wrote a short story to (lovingly) make fun of them. The humor is in the background; it is more an adventure story that happens to have some humor in it.

Any and all criticism (as long as it's constructive, let's not get too hasty. and i was lying about the "any and all") is appreciated.

The Future

“Quick!” Jean yelled to her brother. “Put on your tin foil hat!”

“Alright, alright…” John responded.

But it was too late. A flash of light engulfed the landscape for a tenth of a millionth of a second; everything was illuminated, everything visible. John collapsed, without any tin foil to protect him, and his pupils disappeared, along with any tendencies to not have seizures he may have had. Without thinking, Jean took off, sprinting across the countryside, hastily throwing the antennae, fake fairy wings, and blue face paint that were vital for her survival. A single scream emanated from John’s body as his body’s slowly converted itself from mass to energy. Jean cursed as she tripped and fell. She picked herself back up and pushed her two antennae together. The two antennae sparked, and her plastic wings slowly started to flap. She ran to the top of the nearest hill and took off.

Meanwhile, John writhed in agony his cells, one by one, ventured into the realm of non-existence, releasing energy that was harvested by some unknown being from above. He struggled valiantly, hoping against all hope that he would be able to save Jean from a fiery death. He managed to regain control of his body, and reached for his tin foil hat, only to see his hand disintegrate and explode, engulfing him and the rolling hills that surrounded him.

Jean struggled against a headwind, but she still managed to fly several times faster than she could run. She found herself losing altitude, and desperately pushed her two antennae together, but in vain. She touched down and resumed sprinting. She felt her back starting to heat up, quite rapidly, and turned around. A wall of fire was rushing towards her, incinerating everything in its path. Her plastic wings slowly started to melt, and her tin foil hat fell off. Suddenly, she found herself at the top of a cliff. Knowing that to stay behind meant certain death; she did the clichéd thing and leapt.

She thought about Jeff, and how she might never see him again. His dark blue eyes, always present and how they seemed to look into her very soul…Her reverie was snapped when her leg caught on a branch, flipping her over and setting her up so that, when she hit the sharp rocks on the bottom, she would land head first, killing her instantly.

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aszecsei   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 4:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all, capitalize the I!!!!!!!!!
Okay. Next up.
Quote:
“Alright, alright…” John responded.

All right? Maybe.
Quote:
everything was illuminated, everything visible

Everything was illuminated, everything was visible.
Quote:
hastily throwing the antennae

Hastily throwing on.
Quote:
as his body’s slowly

As his body slowly.
Quote:
only to see his hand disintegrate and explode, engulfing him and the rolling hills that surrounded him

Engulfing him in what? Smoke, fire, a rabbit?

Overall, it was pretty uninteresting for anyone who didn't know the whole story to begin with (i.e. how ridiculous everyone looked).

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 5:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Meanwhile, John writhed in agony his cells, one by one, ventured

put 'when' after 'agony'.

Wow, that was weird. This was probably the most randomly weird thing I've ever read. Not a great story, but entertaining nonetheless.

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 11:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was a very..weird story, no offense. I saw a few things that needed to be fixed, but those have already been pointed out. I'm very glad how you mentioned why you wrote this short story, or else I would have been completely and totally confused by this story.

-Venom
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I LOVED IT! Very Happy

The story's crazy creativeness made it really interesting. I think you could end the story somehow, like "SPLAT" or "Then the flames came and quickly consumed her." Or in just any way you want. I liked how the story started right away with the action and you didn't explain why they needed to wear their hats.

You're a really good writer! Keep writing and tell me if you come up with another story!

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

its goood!!!! But not a chance that that happened in your high school:P

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This thread was created on September 26, 2008

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