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ATreeah
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 Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:12 am Post subject: Destinies Entwined-prologue |
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Its a small prologue but i hope you enjoy it.
Destiny Entwines
Prologue
Once upon a time when the world was thought to be a utopia there were a select few who knew or thought otherwise. And they sought to reveal the truth that there peaceful utopia was a lie that there leader is a lie….He was made to seem like he was the perfect benevolent leader who gave them freedom to venture outside of the colonies that they lived in but he actually controlled them from the shadows the only man whoever knew how he controlled them subliminally was Alaster Bain who disappeared after the clan of "the ancients" failed uprising. Little is known about the uprising except for the ancients led it and we reinforced by the sky pirates and about 95% of the sky pirates were killed. And all of the ancients were wiped out so if Alaster Bain is still alive...he is the only ancient left and probably the only one who can teach the next generation of fighters how to fight back. So all the hope for the colonies freedom and saftey rests in the hands of Alaster's next apprentice...Who is a 16 year old boy named Neil. So lets get to it! |
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Last edited by ATreeah on Mon Sep 29, 2008 5:55 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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miyaviloves
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:51 am Post subject: |
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Ok that was short, wayyyy too short, I know it is a prologue, but prologues are supposed to give us some background information, this really didnt give me anything.
there peaceful utopia was a lie that there leader if a lie…. But
- did you mean leader is a lie?
I can't really say much else, there wasn't anything really there to comment on, sorry.
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ATreeah
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 12:28 pm Post subject: |
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ok sorry it was my first try ill try and edit it...when i get time  |
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Last edited by ATreeah on Fri Sep 26, 2008 12:39 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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BlnkErik
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 12:35 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it Mack, but yeah, miyaviloves had the right idea.
Just expand it a bit more, and it'll be wicked!
I'm looking forward to the full story in the future. |
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cherylkate
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 9:01 pm Post subject: Re: Destiny Entwines-prologue |
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Hey!
So I stumbled across this (obviously) and I really like the idea.
XD
I know it's a prologue and all, but there were just a few things I noticed that you could maybe tweak a little, just so that it all flowed.
| ATreeah wrote: |
Once upon a time when the world was thought to be a utopia there were a select few who knew or thought otherwise. And they sought to reveal the truth that there peaceful utopia was a lie that there leader is a lie…. |
Firstly, it's all a bit jumbled. There's so much to start off with. Maybe if it was like... "Once, the world was thought of as a utopia. Only a few knew it wasn't. This few sought to reveal the truth: that the peaceful world was a lie - a lie created by a leader."
| ATreeah wrote: |
| He was made to seem like he was the perfect benevolent leader who gave them freedom to venture outside of the colonies that they lived in but he actually controlled them from the shadows the only man whoever knew how he controlled them subliminally was Alaster Bain who disappeared after the clan of "the ancients" failed uprising. |
Again, it runs on. Maybe if you tried giving the information about the leader and then 'The Ancients', then the failed uprising, then Alaster Bain... I dunno. Also, I noticed a few grammar and spelling things.
For example: it would all run better if you put a comma between 'in' and 'but', so that it was "that they lived in, but he actually controlled them from the shadows. The only man..."
I also believe you need the full stop after shadows and between 'the only man'.
And also, I think that a comma would work between 'Alaster Bain' and 'who', to make it "was Alaster Bain, who disappeared..."
| ATreeah wrote: |
| Little is known about the uprising except for the ancients led it and we reinforced by the sky pirates and about 95% of the sky pirates were killed. |
Who were the Sky Pirates? Why were they killed? Why did they join forces with the Ancients?
Also, there were some spelling and grammar thingos here...
"Little is know about the uprising, except that it was led by the Ancients, who were reinforced by the Sky Pirates (ninety-five percent of whom were killed)."
| ATreeah wrote: |
| And all of the ancients were wiped out so if Alaster Bain is still alive...he is the only ancient left and probably the only one who can teach the next generation of fighters how to fight back. So all the hope for the colonies freedom and saftey rests in the hands of Alaster's next apprentice...Who is a 16 year old boy named Neil. So lets get to it! |
This whole last section is kinda confusing in the way it's worded.
I know this is just a prologue, and that I'm being picky, but this idea has potential, and I look forward to seeing what you do with it.
I hope I didn't come off as rude. 
If I did, I'm really sorry!
- Cheryl. |
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ATreeah
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| Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:20 pm Post subject: |
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| dont worry it didnt and i'll edit it later cause im publishing the first chapter right now. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: |
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Hello, ATreeah. Saw your profile and decided to read some of your work. Hopefully this helps 
Its a small prologue but i hope you enjoy it.
Destiny Entwines
Prologue
Once upon a time when the world was thought to be a utopia comma there were a select few who knew or thought otherwise. And they sought to reveal the truth that there their peaceful utopia was a lie comma or semicolon that there their leader is a lie….He was made to seem like he was the perfect benevolent leader who gave them freedom to venture outside of the colonies that they lived in comma but he actually controlled them from the shadows the only man whoever knew how he controlled them subliminally was Alaster Bain who disappeared after the clan of "the ancients" failed uprising. Wow, this is a SUPER long sentence. My advise would be to break it up. Maybe try: ...but he actually controlled them from teh shadows. The only man that ever new how he controlled them was subliminally Alaster Bain, who disappeared after the clan of "the anciens" failed in their uprising. You could even break it up even more if you like. Little is known about the uprising except for that the ancients led it and we "we" I would use "they" because you only refer to "we" once. reinforced by the sky pirates and about 95% of the sky pirates were killed. And all of the ancients were wiped out so if Alaster Bain is still alive...he is the only ancient left and probably the only one who can teach the next generation of fighters how to fight back. So all the hope for the colonies freedom and saftey rests in the hands of Alaster's next apprentice...Who is a 16 year old boy named Neil. So lets get to it! "So lets get to it!" sounds kind of corny no offense, of course! But I think you could use a better sentence to end this prologue.
Otherwise, I feel like you have a good story starter here. I do feel, however, that you gave the reader a lot of information in one little paragraph. Maybe, instead of it being this short, expand on it and try to describe more about what you are talking about. Make this paragraph into a page, or something. Or instead, cut stuff out. In a prologue, you don't have to give it all away. It doesn't even have to explain the past. Just something to get the reader's attention.
Well, good luck with this and if you have any other questions, just PM me |
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zankoku_na_tenshi
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 11:54 pm Post subject: |
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Hi there! You were asking for reviews of your story, so… well, here I am. ^_^
The first thing I want to say is that this is a great start. I’m really interested in your idea, the fake utopian society sounds fascinating. I’m looking forward to reading more! I felt pulled into the story, which is definitely a good thing—maybe one of the most important things. The prologue needs to pique our interest, after all, and this premise has got me interested. So nice job, there.
There are, however, a couple of relatively small problems:
The first negative thing I noticed about this prologue was that there are some grammar errors. Unfortunately, they’re really dragging this piece down despite your good ideas. Even the best of us make mistakes with this sort of thing—heck, I’ve been known to spell the names of my own characters wrong—but at some point they really become distracting for the reader. Like, really distracting. Below, I did my best to make some grammar edits to the piece (though I’m far from an expert), to at least give you an idea of the difference. (The stuff I changed is in bold)
| Quote: |
Destiny Entwines
Prologue
Once upon a time, when the world was thought to be a utopia, there were a select few who knew or thought otherwise. And they sought to reveal the truth: that their peaceful utopia was a lie, that their leader is a lie….He was made to seem like he was the perfect, benevolent leader who gave them freedom to venture outside of the colonies that they lived in, but he actually controlled them from the shadows. The only man who ever knew how he controlled them subliminally was Alaster Bain, who disappeared after the clan of "the ancients" failed uprising. Little is known about the uprising except that the ancients led it and were reinforced by the sky pirates, and that about 95% of the sky pirates were killed. And all of the ancients were wiped out, so if Alaster Bain is still alive...he is the only ancient left and probably the only one who can teach the next generation of fighters how to fight back. So all the hope for the colonies’ freedom and safety rests in the hands of Alaster's next apprentice...Who is a 16 year old boy named Neil. So lets get to it! |
Does that help at least a little bit?
I also spotted a lot of places where the verb tenses changed, which got me a little confused about whether this story is set in the past or present of the reader. I’m afraid I had a bit of trouble following the timeline because of it…
The second thing I noticed… well, the jury’s still out on whether it’s going to be a problem for you or not. But I noticed that this bit of the story was a lot more telling than showing. Simply put, it read less like a story, more like a bit out of a history book. I think this might be a much more gripping start if you could put us in the scene, show us the moment when Alaster realizes that his society has been living a lie, show us the chaos of the uprising, show us the despair of his failure. But.. .on the other hand, the prologue is here to provide background information, so there’s a reason for it to be written the way it is… I’ll wait and see what the first chapter’s like before making any snap judgments. ^_^
Sorry if I came off as a little harsh, just… y’know, some suggestions.
Anyway, despite a little rockiness here and there, fantastic start. I’ll try to get to the next chapter as soon as I can! |
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ATreeah
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| Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 11:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I am just ging to say this now im bad at grammer...but im working on it:D |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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I like the idea, but it sounds a little like the Giver. Have you ever read it? Its really good. Just stay away from that.
Great idea by the way, and I can't wait to seee more of it. |
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seeminglymeaningless
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| Posted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 2:45 am Post subject: |
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*pulls face*
You should edit this =p
Before someone attacks you for being sloppy.
I mean, you've had so many helpful reviews so far, and you haven't yet taken the advice of any of them.
- Jai
PS - though it does sound like an interesting story. I hope the rest of it is better written. |
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ATreeah
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| Posted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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| i havn't read the give...and im gonna edit it i just dont have time at the moment with NaNo and all |
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