Topic ID: 36472
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lilchoma
Junior Writer
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 Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject: Words |
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I read in a book once that Eskimos have about thirty different words for love, and that each one means something special, something
set apart from all the others. I think I'd like to live in a world where love is such an important thing, that is has thirty some odd
different words to its name. I think I'd like to be an Eskimo.
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Love doesn't seem like such an important thing in our culture today. Love has become synonymous with infatuation. Love is now a
state of being that you simply fall into, like a hole in the ground. Love is something momentary that can disappear as quickly as it
comes. Love is nothing special anymore.
* * *
I heard it said in a song once that I love you is no longer enough to say, that it is said too much. The sad part of it is that I know it's
true. I say it too much as well. We say it casually to our friends, and automatically to our parents. They are only words now, and
words are empty. |
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"I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree...Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree" |
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CrisCaraway
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:08 pm Post subject: |
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Cool I'm first to review!
Well damn, I hate you for writing that poem because it's amazing how true it is. I really, truly loved it. It was really good. It was a bit odd the way you typed it out though but that's about all I can say bad about it.
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| Love is now a, state of being that you simply fall into, like a hole in the ground. |
This was my favorite part, really effective. Well done. Keep writing.
C.C |
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aseka
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 6:17 pm Post subject: |
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wow it was cool  i loved it but there were 1 or 2 mistakes but it was great
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I know it's true. I say it too much as well. We say it casually to our friends, and automatically to our parents. They are only words now, and
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ok i hope you will keep writing poems ok good luck!!  |
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Galerius
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 6:27 pm Post subject: |
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| This isn't a poem. |
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lilchoma
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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thank you galerius...i did realize before i posted it that it didn't quite look like a poem, but it wasn't fiction, and i didn't feel like it belonged under nonfiction, so i guess i just though it fit best under "other poetry" which really doesn't say what it entails.
and by the way, i don't really think e.e.cumming's poems are poems, and i don't think half the things that are called poems today are actually poems. They're basically like this one, except they are broken up in smaller lines and such, so i guess a poem has to be in smaller lines now apparently.
but thank you for the critique anyhow, although i wish you would have added some other critique about the actual "non-poem". |
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Galerius
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 9:47 pm Post subject: Re: Words |
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very well. however, i still think this should be under Other Writing, as it does not have whats makes a poem in the first place...i could write a 2500-word story and submit it as a poem, according to your definition. but i dont, and thats because there are elements a poem must have that differentiates it from other writings. anyway...
[quote="lilchoma"]I read in a book once that Eskimos have about thirty different words for love, and that each one means something special, something
set apart from all the others. I think I'd like to live in a world where love is such an important thing, that is has thirty some odd
different words to its name. I think I'd like to be an Eskimo.[/quote[
you havent put very much in this paragraph. this is pretty much this paragraphs train of thought: "eskimos like love. I like love. I like Eskimos". in this paragraph, you need to talk about how eskimos value the concept of love and why they possibly have 30 words for it; there has to be a reason, right? and i'd guess that this reason is profound. show me that it is.
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* * *
Love doesn't seem like such an important thing in our culture today. Love has become synonymous with infatuation. Love is now a
state of being that you simply fall into, like a hole in the ground. Love is something momentary that can disappear as quickly as it
comes. Love is nothing special anymore.
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hmm, i dont say this often but i really did enjoy reading this paragraph...except for the first sentence. you were being very personal in the first paragraph, connotating others with your heart, and now you go on an essay-type sentence where you try to psychologicaly analyze our society. please dont mash those two things together in one paragraph like that.
the rest of this is fine - however, the part about love being momentary, you could use some analogies or metaphor because it sounds rather skeletal. put some meat on it.
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* * *
I heard it said in a song once that I love you is no longer enough to say, that it is said too much. The sad part of it is that I know it's
true. I say it too much as well. We say it casually to our friends, and automatically to our parents. They are only words now, and
words are empty. |
see, this is good because you brought yourself to the personal level again, unlike what you did with the second paragraph. but a major mistake you made was changing between you and "them" by altering between first-person singular and plural. this is not just a grammatical mistake but it also takes away from the internal, deep meaning of the poem by applying it to every old Joe. keep it personal.
in general: once again, let me emphasize that i do not think this is a poem. it belongs in non-fiction/essays section or other writing section because a poem needs to flow and what this piece is doing is simply telling us something. its not poetic (and i dont mean that in a bad way...but its more descriptive than poetic). |
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lilchoma
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 1:09 am Post subject: |
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thank you, that critique was much more helpful...even though there were some things that i didn't agree with.
i saw where you are coming from on the second paragraph, but the thing is that it was supposed to be more impersonal than the other two. its just that i thought if i'm talking about something so universal as love, that it can't be only personal, because i wanted to say something that applies to everyone. so yea, i guess that was just where i was coming from...
but thanks for writing back, i really appreciate it. |
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"I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree...Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree" |
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silverSUNLIGHTx
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:59 am Post subject: |
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I liked it, but somehow i didn't (no offense!)
but i felt like it was saying that you can have no hope in love anymore.
maybe it's just me |
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lilchoma
Junior Writer
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Age: 16
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: |
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oh, im sorry if it came across that way...no, that's not what i was trying to say. i was just trying to get out all my frustrations with the world's view of love today, i guess, and how it's not as important and cherished as it should be.
i suppose i should make a poem explaining what it think love should be, so it'd be more positive, so maybe i will someday.
but thanks for the feedback everyone! |
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"I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree...Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree" |
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