Topic ID: 36462
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CrazyBob
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 23
Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Posts: 29
Reviews: 11
Country: USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: Inevitable Dread |
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God give strength to this
sloppy-tongued git, this
avatar of awkward lying
semi-conscious in the purgated morning mud.
Here I stand,
shuffling, stumbling, and fumble footed
down these bleak angling corridors.
What ungainly interaction awaits?
What stupidity will tumble from my lips?
That uncanny,
indefinable terror will set in
when our bumbling words collide.
Or perhaps an old lady will spring
suddenly into my path and
after detangling our splayed and fallen limbs,
I’ll stand up,
face lit red, hating everything,
and see she’s dead. |
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Maki-Chan
Ganbaru! I will do my best!
Master of the Forum
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Joined: 07 Nov 2007
Posts: 2110
Reviews: 265
Country: USA
343 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:40 pm Post subject: |
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Nice word use, though I have no idea what this is eplaining. Perhaps its a troubled person possessed by untamable anger? Or a murder? I like the beginning the most ^_^ Also the end too.
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Or perhaps an old lady will spring
suddenly into my path and
after detangling our splayed and fallen limbs,
I’ll stand up,
face lit red, hating everything,
and see she’s dead. |
Nice I LOVE THIS PART! ^_^
Even though I suck at writting poetry I do know the ones I like when I see them ^_^
BRAVO!!!!! |
_________________
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
Robert Heinlein (1907 - 1988), "Job", 1984
http://maki121.deviantart.com/ |
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wombat
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 11
Country: UK
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 9:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Nice, though I don't really understand where you're coming from but I think I have an idea =). |
_________________
Let's Dance to Joy Division
And celebrate the irony,
Everything is going wrong,
But we're so happy! |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
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Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 646
Reviews: 314
Country: In a Dickens novel
500 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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Hello!
I love the way the two people above me weren't sure what you were trying to say. It means, in a round-a-bout way, that you're doing something right as a writer. I too didn't understand the images and concepts that you drew at first glance, but I went back and read and looked again. I'm glad I did,too. I felt rewarded. I felt like I'd learnt something important instead of reading a poem where the writer had shoved everything down my neck. That, in itself, is liable to cause a severe choking hazard too.
Loved this line:
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Here I stand,
shuffling, stumbling, and fumble footed
down these bleak angling corridors. |
The image of both the speaker and their surrounds is conveyed effectively in very little words. Good job in handling that.
This is probably my favourite line as it relates back to the title well:
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That uncanny,
indefinable terror will set in
when our bumbling words collide. |
And of course, the ending was both unexpected and incredibly fitting:
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I’ll stand up,
face lit red, hating everything,
and see she’s dead. |
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_________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
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BarrettBenedict
Writer
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Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Posts: 86
Reviews: 42
77 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 11:36 pm Post subject: |
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| Very rarely does reading something make me laugh out loud. Kudos. |
_________________
"...all life is only a set of pictures in the brain, among which there is no difference betwixt those born of real things and those born of inward dreamings, and no cause to value the one above the other.."
-H.P. Lovecraft |
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